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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Molly Clock
Nurse Laverne Roberts
When in the cafeteria, J.D. asks for some ketchup and Eliot nails him in the face with some packets. However, in a different episode on cheeseburger day, the show makes a big deal about how the whole cafeteria has to share only one bottle of ketchup.
The man in the horned helmet gets off J.D.'s scooter and goes onto the sidewalk. In the next shot, as J.D. rides away, the man has disappeared.
On the surgery board it says Dr. Grace Miller is still at the hospital.
J.D.: The best thing about this place is that when someone's really in trouble, all the pettiness melts away.
J.D.: The point is, we should... hang out outside the hospital sometime.
Elliot: J.D., I still need time. I know that's gonna be hard for you because you like to fix everything right away, but... you just do the best you can, okay?
J.D.: Is it fixed now?
J.D.'s Narration: Shoot!
J.D.'s Narration: Ultimately, conflict is resolved by remembering why you were friends in the first place.
Laverne: Don't hang up, Lester.
Molly: You should talk to her. You know her better.
J.D.'s Narration: Or by swallowing your pride.
Carla: I know what you're doing. But I'm okay with it.
Dr. Cox: He's coming. He's coming! Get your ass out here!
J.D.'s Narration: Or by uniting against a moment-stealing common enemy who took credit for your ingenious method of de-bulbing a patient's keister!
Dr. Cox: Turtlehead! You're gonna wanna get a piece of this! Come on.
Turk: Where'd you get the coat?
Janitor: I earned it. Let's get our moment.
Mr. Porter: Thanks for all the hard work, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Glad to do it. Oh, and, uh, Bart, I think Lyle might be ready for that rough-sex-play talk you had with your other boys.
Turk: Look, I wanna apologize for my wife. She'd never admit it to you, but she likes to be the person around here who tells everybody what to do. Apparently she can't get enough of it at home. Right? Right? Wrong. Look, if every once in a while you could let her be the one to give the advice? You guys might end up being friends.
Molly: I can do that. And tell Carla that you did well.
Turk: You truly underestimate how proud my wife is. If she knew I was here, she'd kill me.
Molly: All right.
She leaves and Carla comes to face Turk
Carla: What happened to the part about how much I help people around here?
Turk: Wait a second, she said I did well!
Turk: What are you doing?
Molly: Oh, um, I'm tired of trying to find my office, so I just set up shop here!
Turk: Oh! Okay, that's not weird.
Dr. Cox: All we need to do is thread an angioplasty balloon past the bulb, inflate it...
Dr. Cox/Turk: ...and then pull.
Janitor: ...Pull it. I concur.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. Do you realize if we could get a tight enough clamp around the bulb and then just-
Janitor: No, no, no, you'll break the thing! Look, here's the thing about lightbulbs, okay? They're structurally weak at the narrow end, but the round end is surprisingly strong.
Turk: So if we could get behind the bulb...
Janitor: I see where you're headed! We go down through the mouth!
Dr. Cox: Your turn's over.
Molly: It's funny, it's not about the argument anymore between you two - it's a competition about who can be stubborn the longest. If you think about it, the real winner is gonna be who has the guts to apologize first. Hm.
Turk/Dr. Cox: I GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry about the gallbladder thing this morning! Yes! I win!
Molly: How's it going in here?
Turk/Dr. Cox: GO AWAY!
Molly: Wow, you kinda harmonized on that. That was cool.
Molly: So... you're mad at me.
Carla: Excuse me?
Molly: Oh! You're not mad at me!
Carla: Why did you just close your eyes at me?
Molly: I've never been able to wink.
Elliot: Keep up, people! We got pre-rounds to do! Get the lead out, Elvis!
J.D.: Okay, she's gone. Now, I've heard some rumors there's been some fraternizing with some of Dr. Reid's residents. Now, I don't want to mention any names... but, Slobodan, enough of that crap!
Doug: Watch your ass.
Dr. Cox: What're you still doing here?
Janitor: What you have there is an A21 bulb on a E26 base. Running a hundred watts, putting out about a hundred and thirty volts.
Turk: Get over here, you're helping me.
Dr. Cox: Not so fast, cowboy. You're working with me, tall man.
Janitor: Mmmm, actually, no. If I had the time, maybe, but I've got a room to clean.
Molly: Hey! Are you Todd?
Todd: Oh, yeah.
Molly: Well, Carla said you're having a barbecue.
Todd: No, but stick around, I'll see if we can get something cooking.
Molly: Hey! I got like a two-hour break between patients, do you wanna grab lunch? Or dinner, I'm not really sure what time it is.
Molly: The way I see it, you guys can either get past it and talk like adults, or you can behave like petty children.
J.D.'s Narration: We decided to go petty.
Elliot: Yes, I'm happy! But I'd be happier if I didn't have to share the job with such a jerk!
J.D.: Elliot. I can hear you.
Molly: You know what I realized by doing this study? Some of the most interesting conflicts are when one of the parties doesn't even realize they're in a fight!
J.D.: Wait, so, if we're both gonna be chief residents, why didn't you just say that from the beginning?
Dr. Cox: What, and miss your hall of fame hissy? Not on your life.
Molly: Turk, I heard your conflict with Dr. Cox escalated? You know, he's already starting to look like the breakout character of my case study? The one that people love to hate?
Molly: Anyway, in my opinion, it is more effective to address the situation than it is to become self-destructive by over-indulging a sweet tooth.
Turk: She's right.
Carla: You don't have that cookie, we're getting a divorce.
Turk: But baby, I'm not hungry now.
Carla: Eat. It.
Carla: Whatever. It's fine, it's fine. It's not like all my friends are gonna go to Molly for advice.
Molly: Nurse Roberts, if you still wanna talk about that situation with your husband, we can go to my office now.
Laverne: 'Scuse me.
Dr. Cox: Mr. Roman, ga-reat news!
Mr. Roman: I don't need surgery! Yeah, Dr. Turk just told me!
Turk: Yeah, you shoulda seen him! He was so happy, he started dancing! Not standing up, but while lying in his bed. It was sort of like buh-buh-buh from like the waist up?
Dr. Cox: You stole my moment. And you will pay.
Molly: Anyway, this morning Dr. Kelso told me that since psychiatrists are the Wal-Mart greeters of medicine that I need to start publishing a paper to earn my keep. So I'm gonna do this study about conflict resolution between hospital personnel, and I was wondering if I could observe you?
Dr. Cox: Look, "Doctor," us real doctors are here to work, so there's not a whole lot of conflict. Now, my day is already bad enough on account of I gotta tell Mr. Roman that he- that... Oh, my God. Mr. Roman doesn't need to have surgery. I ne-hever get to give good news!
Molly: Subject elongates words when excited!
J.D.: What a jerk! Hey, when Elliot asked you if she could run for chief resident and you said "why not," that was just a goof, right?
Elliot: Dr. Cox. Ran all those tests on Mr. Landisman.
Dr. Cox: Top-notch work, there, Barbie! She's good! She's very, very, very good!
Lyle: Hey, do you have a magazine?
J.D.: Not in me - I mean, on me.
J.D.'s Narration: I just needed to talk to someone.
Mover: Tough break, J.D. You've dreamed of being chief resident ever since you were a little boy growing up in Trotwood, Ohio.
J.D.'s Narration: What? How does he know that?
J.D.: Thank you, Frank.
Elliot: Can I still be considered as a candidate for the chief residency?
J.D.: She asked, without a prayer.
Dr. Cox: Sure, why not.
Elliot: Raise it! Raise it! Uh-oh, uh-oh! And grind. Grind it, grind it!
Carla: You know, Elliot, I still think you'd make a good chief resident.
Elliot: Carla, for the five billionth time, I'm not interested.
Molly: I think you would be a great chief resident!
Elliot: You do?
Carla: I just said that.
Turk: I know!
Elliot: Well, I'm starting my endocrinology and metabolism fellowship. I'm really looking forward to cataloguing all of the genetic variations of-
J.D., Carla and Turk start snoring
Elliot: Oh, really? Well, excuse me for taking an interest in hormonal regulatory research and relate-
They fall over with more snoring.
J.D.'s Narration: I was a little nervous today. Maybe it was because I had no idea who this guy on the back of my bike was.
Guy: See ya tomorrow!
J.D.: Will do.
J.D.'s Narration: Or maybe I was nervous because at 3 o'clock, Dr. Cox was gonna name me the new chief resident. How do I know? Well, for one thing, I'm the only one who applied.
Todd: I'm sorry if I ever demeaned you, Carla. You see, my feelings about women were warped by a very unhealthy relationship with my mother. We made out once.
Molly: That's good, Todd. Keep going.
Todd: Monique! I owe you an apology...
Carla: You fixed the Todd?
Molly: Well, without regular therapy, it'll probably only last...a week?
J.D.: I'll take Doug.
Doug: YES! Suck on that! Thanks, J.D. First pick.
J.D.: Relax, Doug, you're the only one whose name I know.
Molly: You guys, the situation would be perfect for my study.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Molly: Don't worry, Johnny. Everyone's gonna be anonymous, I'm only using initials. You'll be "J.D."
J.D.: Great. Maybe we could make it permanent.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course not.
Turk: Hey! So whatta you say we yank out that gallbladder?
Mr. Silka: That's the way you tell me I need major surgery!?
Carla: I've told Elliot a million times that she would be a good chief resident, but she just ignored me.
Laverne: Maybe she's racist.
J.D.: I am a medical professional, and you are not gonna get me to compete with Elliot.
Dr. Cox: Well, Jo-Jo, right now she's winning.
J.D.: Let me know how to get back on top. I'll do anything, even if it means I have to kill somebody!
Dr. Cox: Well, you could start by getting the lightbulb out of this genius's pooper. Impress me.
Dr. Cox: I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm-
Elliot: Dr. Cox!
Dr. Cox: -ah, dammit!
Elliot: Dr. Cox is naming ass-face, here, at 3. It's too late.
Carla: Well maybe it's not too late.
Elliot: Yeah it is, Carla.
Molly: Maybe it's not.
Elliot: You know what, you're right, Molly. Maybe it isn't!
Carla: What the hell?
Turk: They're all against you!
J.D.'s Narration: Dr. Molly Clock, the new attending psychiatrist. Yes, she was HOT! But I wasn't a fan. For one thing, she's always calling me "Johnny." Also, she wasn't very nice.
Molly: Hey, sit with us. We'll make room, even if I have to stand.
J.D.'s Narration: What. A. Bitch.
Laverne: Doug wanted me to give this patient five hundred thousand milligrams of morphine. I thought I'd check with you before I kill a man.
Dr. Kelso: Last chance Perry, fix this kid. I've paged a surgical consult.
Dr. Cox: Of course you did.
Todd: I hear this guy's got a light bulb up his ass!
Dr. Cox: Are.. are you the surgical consult?
Todd: No. I'm not even working today! I just want to ask him four questions...
Dr. Kelso: Maybe I wasn't clear. This patient is important. Translation: Don't pass him off to dumb guy!
Doug: Sir, I take issue with that...
Dr. Kelso: Son, you were gathering a group of large orderlies to get the lightbulb out of the patient by doing what?
Doug: Shaking him like a beach towel... (shakes folder)
Elliot: Don't worry, I just came to check on my patients.
J.D.: Do whatever you want, just don't come over to my area.
Elliot: You couldn't pay me to come over to your area.
J.D.: Well, I wouldn't pay you.
Elliot: Well, you don't have enough money.
J.D.: It just so happens, I have a rich uncle who'd do anything for me, but I'd
never call in that favor just to pay you to come over to my area.
J.D.'s Narration Got her!
Dr. Cox: I really need a win, I did. And I finally got one and you, you stole it man!
Turk: I needed one too!
Janitor: Boohoo! Where's my win? Think anyone thanks me for cleaning bathrooms?
Turk: Janitor, the bathrooms are filthy.
Janitor: Well, no one was thanking me so I quit cleaning them.
Doug: Pick the hot chick!
J.D.: Shut up, Doug! - We'll take the hot chick.
Turk: (To Dr. Cox) Doctor!
Dr. Cox: (To Turk) Doctor! (To Janitor) Doctor!
Janitor: (To Dr. Cox) Doctor! (To Turk) Doctor!
Turk: (To Janitor) Doctor! (Puts hand out to shake)
Dr. Zeltzer: That's why my wife and I use candles.
Turk: Well sir, you are hands down the most disturbing man I have ever met in my life.
Dr. Zeltzer: Oh stop it. Hey, are you and your wife open minded?
Dr. Cox: That's it, I want everybody out who's not an expert on lightbulbs. Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!
Turk: (Talking about lightbulb) Why don't we just reach up there and tug that bad boy out?
Dr. Cox: It's not a rabbit in a hat, if you tug on it, its going to break, and if it breaks he's going to need surgury and if you preform it, then of course he's going to need a casket. So, why don't you just play quietly in your area until the crowd arrives.
Turk: What crowd? I thought nobody wanted to take the case.
Dr. Cox: At first, but now that it's become a bit of a hospital mystery every jackass in the joint is going to want to come in here and give their two cents worth.
Janitor: Cleaning time! (Bursts into J.D. and Elliot's office) Don't worry I'll go fast. (Starts spraying and cleaning desk, gets some in J.D.'s eye)
Janitor: Sorry, that one got away.
J.D.: It burns!
Janitor: Amonia burns? (To Elliot) Hmm. Write that down.
J.D.: I do have three questions though: Why do you hate me when I show you nothing but love? Who's gonna tell my mom? And what the hell am I supposed to do with 10,000 John Dorian, Chief Resident business cards (Throws the cards in the air, and falls to the floor)?!
Dr. Cox: Yeah, Scarlet, you're Chief Resident too.
J.D.: Ehh - what now?
Dr. Cox: Well, I figured with her being ridiculously booksmart to the point of where she has almost no interpersonal skills and you being as warm and cuddly as an unpotty trained Labra-doodle and about as useful in high-stress medical situations as an unpotty trained Labra-doodle, together the two of you make one barely-passable doctor...slash Labra-doodle.
Elliot: Oh my God! Now I know how Liza Minnelli felt! When she won the oscar, not when she married that gay, pan-faced alien.
Elliot: Doctor Cox! Could you come take a look at my patient's rash, it's really weird.
Dr. Cox: Oh I would love to come take a look at your patient's rash, but also, if time allows, maybe we could go over some preliminary ideas for your wedding dress.
Elliot: I have sketches in my locker.
Dr. Cox: Psst... Barbie, listen carefully because the policy remains unchanged, unless someone is dying, and pa-lease note dying, not dead, I'm not interested. And P.S., just a real strong showing for a chief resident candidate. God almighty!
Molly: Perry! You know I have a cousin named Perry. But actually not, he's not my cousin and his name isn't Perry, its Jeff.
Dr. Cox: That's so funny, I have an uncle named stop bothering me.
Dr. Kelso: That young man's father is very important.
Dr. Cox: Don't tell me, he donated a wing.
Dr. Kelso: He donated a wing, a thigh and a breast.
Dr. Kelso: Yes genius, in this metaphor the hospital is a chicken.
J.D.: Please, sir, I totally get that.
J.D.'s Narration: How could a hospital be a chicken?
Carla: So what are you guys gonna do now that your residencies are over?
Doug: (Excited) Oh I'm still a resident. Yeah, Doctor Kelso said I'm the first medical resident to repeat his third year in the entire history of the hospital.
Carla: That's a bad thing, Doug.
Doug: Oh, I'm stayin' positive.
Dr. Kelso: So what do ya think, Perry?
Dr. Cox: Well, I'll tell you there Bobo, either this kid has a lightbulb up his butt or his colon has a great idea.
Mr. Roberts (Laverne's husband) first name is Lester.
It's confirmed that J.D. was raised in Ohio.
Dr. Cox repeatedly calls J.D. a 'labradoodle', which is an engineered cross between a labrador and a standard poodle. The labradoodle was originally bred in Australia in an attempt to create a hypoallergenic breed, to allow disabled people with dog fur allergies to own an assistance dog. Results varied, and the labradoodle is not recognised as a breed with any major kennell club.
Elliot: Now I know how Liza Minelli felt! When she won the Oscar, not when she married that gay pan-faced alien.
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