Scrubs

J.D.: "Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower". Mrs. Tanner: Done. J.D.: Fine. "Go to the top of the Meiffel Tower". Mrs. Tanner: Oh, now you're making stuff up. J.D.: No, I'm not; it's right here, you can look at it!

J.D.: You didn't tell them, did you. Mrs. Tanner: It didn't come up. Look, they don't need that burden; besides, they'd just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind. J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life. Mrs. Tanner: Oh, no. J.D.: Okay. "Number One: Eat a sausage-and-pepper hoagie from Enrico's". Mrs. Tanner: Well, of course I've done that. J.D.: "Number Two: Go to Asia". Mrs. Tanner: (Something in Japanese) J.D.: I'm gonna take that as a yes, and I'll also check off "Learn a foreign language".

Elliot: Speaking of Heparin, have you slept with Turk yet? Carla: What!? Elliot: I'm sorry, I'm-no, I'm sorry...too personal. Carla: I like to wait. I like a guy to want it so bad he basically thinks he isn't gonna get it ever. Then when he's lost the will to live, that's when I jump him. Elliot: So, how long does that usually- Carla: A month, maybe two. What about you? Elliot: I like to use sex as an ice-breaker. Carla: Ah. And how's that working out for you? Elliot: I guess I don't have what you would call high self-esteem.

J.D.: Okay, enough of this. I don't think any of you realize how serious this is. Right now we need to be worried about your mother, your grandmother...your...I'm sorry, we-we haven't met, I'm Dr. Dorian.

Mrs. Tanner: Just until Samantha blows out her candles. What are you gonna wish for, honey? Uhhhhm....a bike? Samantha: Nope. Mrs. Tanner: A doll house? Samantha: Nope. J.D.: How about the ability to make quick decisions? Samantha: Umm...nope.

J.D.: Look, I don't know how it's been with your other doctors, but when you're under my care, you stay in the hospital until I say it's okay for you to leave. Mrs. Tanner: We saved you a plate. J.D.: I don't care about food right now! J.D.'s narration: Oh my God, are those s'mores?

J.D.: Dr. Kelso...hi. I wanted to get your opinion about a patient. She's uh...a seventy-four-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner. Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course! One of our frequent fliers - she's a neat lady. J.D.: That's what I said! Dr. Kelso: Nobody likes a brown-nose, son.

Elliot: I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse. So...no English, huh? I'm a chunky monkey from funky town. Carla: I'm gonna have a little trouble translating that.

David: Oh, see, this is embarrassing - you guys are wearing the same outfit. Don't sweat it, I'm not wearing pants.

J.D.: I'm...I'm...I'm the doctor. Guy: What are you, sixteen? Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable. Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma? Woman: I should-we should have gone to my doctor. Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor? J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.

David: Hey, come on man, it's the fourth quarter, you got a minute? Turk: Sure. David: Cool. Turk: David, right? David: Yeah. Turk: I'm Turk. David: What's up...you want some IV? Turk: No, I'm good.

Delivery guy: I've got a ton of bricks for Dr. Dorian. (Hands J.D. a pen and extends his clipboard. A pile of bricks falls on J.D.) Could I get that pen back?

Dr. Kelso: Spare me. Turk: (Laughs) Oh, that's good! (Dr. Kelso gives him a weird glare) You know 'cause...you're not joking, are you sir? Dr. Kelso: Not at the moment.

Dr. Cox: Well, if she refuses dialysis, then there really is no ethical dilemma, is there? J.D.: But what about our duty as doctors? Dr. Cox: (In mock crying voice) But what about our duty as doctors? (Back to normal voice) Look. This is not about Mrs. Tanner's dialysis, this is about you. You're scared of death, and you can't be; you're in medicine for chrissakes. Sooner or later, you're going to realize that everything we do around here, everything is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's all. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way.

J.D.: You have had an amazing life. Mrs. Tanner: Good, then we agree. Now, aren't there other patients you need to be seeing? J.D.: Me? No, no, I've been off for two hours.

J.D.: I admitted this really neat old lady today. Turk: "Neat?" Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back.

Mrs. Tanner: Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go. J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another...eighty or ninety years. Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational. J.D.: No I'm not. Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime. J.D.: No they don't.

Turk: Dude, the League of Women Voters called and they want to know where to send your membership info. J.D.: You're using that "somebody called" joke a lot. Turk: I know, I can't help it. I got a hernia patient to take care of. J.D.: What's his name? Turk: Well, his name is Hernia Patient, but we've gotten close so I like to call him "Hernia". J.D.: He must feel so safe and taken care of.

(J.D. and Death are playing Connect Four) Death: I win. J.D.: What? Where? Death: Here. (Points to the game) Death: Diagonally. J.D.: Pretty sneaky Death.

Dr. Kelso: Gosh, sport, I sure hope you're not using that phone to make a personal call. Turk: No. Actually that was David Morrison's father. He's a patient of mine. Dave's a good kid. Dr. Kelso: Well he sound's teriffic. You two becoming best pals? Turk: Yeah. Dr. Kelso: Well you know what we should do? The three of us should play a game of stick ball. Sure, all we need is a stick and a ball and a pocket full of dreams. Or we could take turns bowling your patient down the hallways of my hospital.