Scrubs

Lonnie: Yar. (The Janitor popsicles him) God! Why? Janitor: You combined "you" and "are". "Yar". It made no sense.

Carla: I swear Turk, sometimes I think you and J.D. are more of a couple than we are. J.D.: (Over the walkie talkie) Tell her I've known you longer.

Elliot: Later, I'm going to find some aloe and rub it wherever it hurts. Keith: Well it's just on my back, really. Elliot: Keith that was innuendo. You were going to work on this. Keith: Oh right, right, right. Ok um…it also hurts under my pants. In my pants! Damnit! I can't get this!

J.D.'s narration: People were starting to talk about Elliot and Keith but I decided to stay above the fray. Then I changed my mind. (J.D. joins a group of nurses in a circle) J.D.: Can you believe those two? Laverne: No I can't. All that carrying on in public. Nurse: It's way too much. J.D.: It's just too much. Sorry, I switched places so I could go again.

J.D.: Mrs. Levin has dementia, Rex. And I know she loves sweets, so take the pill, put it in some raspberry jam, put it on your finger, dip it in her mouth. Hello! J.D.'s narration: Rex would forever remember that morning as the time he lost his finger tip.

Patient: (To Turk) Young man, can you make sure they don't give me any black blood?

Dr. Cox: Listen up. Keith: You are! Dr. Cox: We're not doing that anymore.

Dr. Cox: Gandharoo, I need you to talk to a young pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom. Turk: Why would she listen to me? Dr. Cox: I may have told her you were Kanye West. Turk: I'm actually all right with that.

Elliot: First of all, the only woman in this hospital that I would even consider sleeping with is Jamie in Pediatrics. (All the women moan)

J.D.: Wow. Lisa: It's just so unfair! Gloria: So unfair. J.D.: It really is unfair you guys.

J.D.: Are you nude right now? Turk: Yeah! How'd you know? J.D.: Your voice is always higher when you're nude. Turk: That's true. Dr. Cox: It's not weird you know that at all.

Turk: (To someone off camera) Alright, look. I know I said I wanted to go by myself to get tested today. But I've been doing some thinking and…I'm scared. So it would mean a lot if you went with me. J.D.: Of course, buddy.

J.D.: (At a sterility clinic) Excuse me, are any of the reading materials in there available for those of us out here?

Janitor: (Over walkie-talkie) J.D., this is…black surgeon that you're always hanging out with. Come on outside to the ramp, dawg.

Lisa: Dr. Reid, we think it is lame that you give Keith preferential treatment. We're filing a complaint with Dr. Kelso. Elliot: Oh, ok sure well you know what? You guys can tell Dr. Kelso whatever you want cause all he's gonna hear are the facts. I'm sleeping with Keith, he gets his schedule shifted and he gets the most interesting cases. Who wants 20 bucks? (The interns raise their hands) Well, that's not gonna work. I don't have that much money.

(Talking about their respective men) Elliot: They are three manly men. Jordan: Perry gets his chest waxed. Elliot: Keith loves to knit throw pillows. Carla: Turk might be sterile. Jordan: We have a winner.

J.D.: ...you just gave me some good advice about how to deal about Elliot. Coocheecoochee coo! Dr. Kelso: Can I fire him? Dr. Cox: Sleep on it.

Turk: You know I'm not comfortable getting busy with myself? J.D.: Well, you are in luck. This happens to be my specialty. Here is a tip: If you can't get over the fact that you are doing it to yourself, sit on your arm until it falls asleep then pull it out and use that. I call it "The Stranger". Turk: If I ever have kids, you are NEVER allowed to baby-sit them.

J.D.: I'm having a rough morning Brown Bear. How are you doing with your sterility? Turk: Ahh... I can't really talk about that right now. I'm in an elevator. J.D.: Not reading you Brown Bear. I repeat, are you still sterile?! Laverne: This is so juicy that I feel dizzy.

Turk: I may be sterile. Carla: Oh honey, stay calm. Nobody knows but us. J.D.: (Over watchie-talkie) You firing blanks, buddy?

Dr. Cox: Why me? Dr. Kelso: I know it's a minor condition Perry but you know how things can turn. Dr. Cox: Why? You wanted me in there because I'm the best...what Bob? Dr. Kelso: No! Dr. Cox: Tell me Bob, or I'll go in there and tell her you're dying to be with her a lot more often. Dr. Kelso: (Babbling) A shabble adi frabble. Dr. Cox: Beg you pardon? Dr. Kelso: You're the best Doctor. Dr. Cox: (Moved to tears) Thank you Bob, means a lot to me!

Dr. Cox: As a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"

Carla: I can't do that. Turk is very sensitive about his masculinity. You remember what happened when I told him his backpack looked like a purse. Flashback... Carla: I'm sorry, Turk. I didn't mean it! Turk: I AM A MAN!!!! A MAN DOESN'T WEAR A PURSE!!!!