Scrubs

Dr. Cox: If you want to lose the nickname, you've gotta lose the beard. But then you'd be Doctor Face. Dr. Kelso: Hah! Doctor Face! Dr. Beardface: Damn you all!!

Janitor: Would you be interested in seeing a cognitive therapist? Because I know a guy, he's good. I'm gonna give you his card, then I'm gonna bash your head in. I'll see you in the morning. J.D.: I'm in at seven. Janitor: Wear a helmet.

J.D.: Who's named Lady? Janitor: She is! Got a brother named Him.

(To The Janitor) J.D.: Hello? Oh yes, he's here. It's the Truth calling. Wants to know why you never tell it.

J.D.: Big news, sports fans! I've decided to start calling everybody "sports fans".

Elliot: I care about you so much, I don't want to lose you from my life. Keith: Well you're going to, because from now on, Pig Whore, you're dead to me.

Dr. Kelso: Seriously - am I having a stroke, or is someone making an omelet?

J.D.: I have sabotaged every relationship I've ever been in. Look at this, Mole Butt, Tina Two-Kids, Rumble Fudly, Giftshop Girl... Turk: None of those girls were good for you anyway. Well, except for Mole Butt. I don't even know if Rumble Fudly was a girl. J.D.: Stop it! Fudz was awesome.

J.D.: See Turk, now we can save that Dad dying thing to go see the new panda baby at the zoo. Turk: Oh it's too late for that, she died. J.D.: Not Ming-Ming. Turk: Her mama sat on her and then ate her! J.D.: Stupid nature!

Kim: Come here, check out these big pregnant hippo feet!

Elliot: Screw it! I'm just gonna marry Keith, maybe he'll die young.

J.D.: Who are the flowers for? Janitor: My girlfriend. J.D.: You have a girlfriend? Janitor: Just because I'm a janitor means no woman could possibly be attracted to me? J.D.: No. J.D.'s thoughts: Yes! Janitor: There she is right down there. (J.D. turns around to see a woman at the far end of the hall, talking to a man) J.D.: Really? What's her name? Janitor: (pauses) Lady. J.D.: (stifles laugh) Lady? Janitor: You don't believe me? J.D.: Well, let's just say you've lied to me before. Janitor: Watch this. (yells) Hey lady! (The lady looks around at the Janitor) Janitor: (waves) Stay there! D-don't come down here. I'll give these to you later! (To J.D.) Your witness.

(Elliot comes into her home where Keith is packing his stuff away) Elliot: Hey Keith. Keith: You came to your house while I'm packing up my stuff even though you promised not to be here. Awesome. Elliot: Well, you know you can't take my word. I mean, I also promised you I'd marry you last Saturday, right? (laughs) Riiiight?! I know. Too soon. I'm sorry. But, c'mon, we love "too soon" jokes. Come on now. Let's see the chuckle. Huh? Here it comes. I think I see it bubbling up! (Keith looks stony faced) Elliot: Haha, do not make me start laughing because you know that if I start laughing, then you'll start laughing! Haha! Hahahaha! (abruptly stops laughing) Ok, ya know what? This is why it was so easy to walk out on you.

Elliot: Carla, what resident ordered a CAT scan on Mr. Hersh last night? Keith: That would be me, Pig Whore. It's all in the notes. (mock gasp) Aww, can't Pig Whore read?! Kelso: Hah! Pig Whore Reid! See, your last name's Reid so it works two ways.

Dr. Cox: Beardface! What do ya say? Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! Why do you people insist on calling me Beardface?! Joe: (clears throat) May I? Dr. Cox: Go for it. Joe: Well, I just got here, but if I had to guess, I would say it's because your face is like... five sixths beard. Dr. Beardfacé: Damn you!

(Bob Kelso sits down at Cox's table) Cox: Come on Bob, there's an empty table right there. Kelso: I'll leave for ten dollars. (Cox hands him ten dollars) Kelso: Pleasure doing business. (He gets up and sits on table behind) (Carla, Turk, Elliot and J.D. sit down at Cox's table) J.D.: Hey friend! Cox: (looks up) What? Are you bored up there?

Elliot: I'm sorry for barging in so late. I hope I didn't interrupt anything important. Carla: Um... Turk: (interrupts) Actually, since I'm diabetic, Carla only lets me eat one candy bar every six months and so she was helping me choose one to go with. (Carla mimes shooting herself in the head) Turk: First! We cut out all candy that sounds remotely racist, which includes all dark chocolate and I know this sounds weird, but Jujubes. (Elliot nods) Turk: Then Carla was like, "Well what about Junior Mints?" and I was like "Junior Mints?! Baby, if I want my candy to freshen my breath, I'll just slap some toothpaste on a whatchamacallit bar and go to TOWN on that bad boy, you know what I'm saying?!"

Dr. Cox: What is it, fun sized? Josephine: (Loud, high-pitched voice) I checked Mr. Hutnick all over, but I couldn't find a tick bite. J.D.: Oh...my god. (In response to her voice) Dr. Cox: I gotta go figure this out...I can't believe it... (turns back to Josephine) Oh, and by the way...you have a ridiculous speaking voice...it ju... (turns away grimacing)

J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What's wrong with me? Dr. Cox: You're an annoying, whiny manchild. J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you. Dr. Cox: What question?

Carla: That's it...it's over. Crowd: (Sadly) Awwww... J.D.: (Happily) Awwww! Carla: J.D.! J.D.: No, Snoop Dogg Attending finally told Josephine how he feels! Crowd: (Happily) Awwww! Turk: Hey everybody, look, a rainbow! Crowd: Oooooo!

Carla: (To Elliot) So, how's Keith? (Keith walks by) Keith: Carla. (To Elliot) Pig whore. Elliot: Better actually. Used to be "Stupid Pig Whore". It's only been a few days and he's already dropped an adjective.

J.D.: Keith?! Elliot: Keith?! J.D.'s thoughts: Keith?! Wait, I was already surprised out loud!