Scrubs Season 2 Episode 13

Ted: So, I hear they're making that office into the ladies' locker room, huh?
Dr. Kelso: Yes, Ted.
Ted: Bummer!

Elaine: It's fun to annoy him!
J.D.: It's what I do.

Elaine: I'm not afraid of death. I mean, if I got a heart, that would be great. Still, if they told me it was never gonna happen, I think that'd be okay, too. It's the waiting I can't take. I just wanna know one way or the other, you know?
Dr. Cox: I got an idea: Why don't we switch to a cheerier subject!
J.D.: What do you think death is like?
Elaine: I really hope it's like a big Broadway musical. Everyone's all dressed up and singing to the rafters, and you go out with a real flourish.

Elliot: Plus, according to county statue, all medical facilities in this region are required to provide single-sex bathrooms and change-rooms for their employees. Put that in your suggestion box and smoke it!
Dr. Kelso: Dammit. Where'd she learn all that legal mumbo-jumbo?

J.D.: Trust me, I wouldn't want to have to make this decision.
Mr. Larkin: I wish I could ask my wife. She'd be better at handling this than me.
J.D.: You know, you and I are a lot alike. We may seem like the kind of guy you can just, you know, throw in a head-lock and draw a mustache on... but, in crunch time, we always come through.

Janitor: Thanks for the pen.
Janitor has ink all over his fingers.
J.D.: Oh, no.
Janitor: Yeah.
He holds his uniform up, a large blue stain marks the front of his t-shirt
Janitor: That's my favorite t-shirt. And this was my favorite skin!

Dr. Kelso: This hospital has always had a co-ed locker room. Ahhh, back when I was a resident, I remember blah-blah-blah, nostalgic story. Now get the hell out of my office!... Not you, Ted... Ted, get the hell out of my office!
Ted: Oh, thank God.

Mr. Larkin: So, you're telling me if we don't deliver the baby now, my wife could die. And if we do, our child probably won't live.
J.D.'s Narration: Sometimes, as a doctor, I wish my life was more like my favorite TV show.
Fantasy
J.D.: Oh, come on, death isn't that bad. Especially if you're dying from laughter! You're on 'Candid Camera'!

J.D.: That Mrs. Larkin's an aggressive lady. She wouldn't even let her husband finish a sentence-
Dr. Cox: Oh, shut the hell up, would you please? At least she's ballsy, unlike that husband who's the overly thoughtful, sensitive type that drive me crazy.

Turk: All right, Ralphie, new tack: I want you to do what I do, okay? I want you to imagine that there are tiny men inside your booty, trying to push the dookie. Push the dookie out, Ralphie! Can you imagine that for me?

Turk: You've had six bran muffins, Ralphie; how is it that you don't have to go yet?

Dr. Cox: So, here's the deal Mrs. Larkin: You have a valvular defect in your heart.
Mr. Larkin: Oh, God!
Mrs. Larkin: Relax, Steve. He's a worrier.
J.D.: Me too. I'm a worrier.

Janitor: Makes me look smarter. Yeah. Off to scrub the crappers.

Elliot: Every woman here hates the fact that they've gotta get undressed in a co-ed locker room. Except for Naked Nancy, but, I mean, she's an exhibitionist and she's got a whole other set of problems.
Ted: We have a co-ed locker room? Hot damn!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, if you really feel the need to discuss it, just write it out on a piece of paper and slip it in my suggestion box.
Elliot: Really?
Dr. Kelso: Yeah! Ted! Show it to her.
Ted shows Elliot the trash can
Ted: Sorry.
Elliot: It's okay.
Ted: So, uh... this locker room... Do you have to be a doctor to change in there, or what?

Turk: Dude, why eat medical supplies when you've got pudding and tater-tots? It makes no sense!

Dr. Kelso: You know, Ted, I don't mean to sound insensitive, but a man's office is a reflection of who he is; don't you think?
A drop of water falls from a leak in the ceiling on Ted's head
Ted: Yeah.

J.D.: I'd say she's pregnant.
Dr. Cox: Just a terrific catch, there, Newbie. Listen to her heart, will ya? I heard mitral stenosis and I need an extra set of ears, let's go.
J.D.: It's kinda flattering that you'd choose me.
Dr. Cox: Ears, Newbie, ears! Not mouth.

J.D.'s Narration: Elaine's been on top of the heart transplant list so long, she's in and out of this hospital almost as much as I am.
J.D.: Hey, homeslice, we talked about this - you don't get into bed until I come here so I can see your bootay.
Elaine: If I finally get a damn heart, I'll let you eat ice cream off it!
J.D.: You are naughty!

Carla: So, anyway, Laverne, I have to fly out late for the funeral tonight, and I'm gonna need your help covering my shifts.
Laverne: Anything for you, honey.
Carla: Thanks, mama.
J.D.: Hey, Laverne, can I borrow a nickel so I can get a soda?
Laverne: Sorry, this window's closed!

J.D.: Congratulations! So, when are you gonna ask her?
Turk: Tonight. I'm gonna make her a nice dinner, then I'm gonna put the ring in her champagne glass.
J.D.: You might as well put it in her cham-lame glass.

Turk: Well...?
J.D.: Oh! It's beautiful! But my parents'll kill me if I marry a black guy.

Dr. Kelso: What are you doing, Ted!?
Ted: I'm trying to whistle...? You know, so you wouldn't think it was me.

Ralphie's Dad: You told my son there were little men inside him?! He barely sleeps as it is!
Turk: Sir, I'm sorry, I was wrong.
Ralphie's Dad: That was sick!
Turk: But still, if you could do this for me, I would greatly appreciate it: The next time your son has a bowel movement, take the dookie, put it in a ziplock bag, and just call me on my cell phone... It's for my girlfriend.

Janitor: Can I borrow a pen?
J.D.: Here! Take this one!
Janitor: Thanks.
J.D.: See? We don't always have to be like, "Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh." We could be like, "Hey! How ya doin'! I'm good, thanks!" This can work, you know? We can--can be there for each other.
Janitor: It's just a pen, Scooter, not a kidney.

Elliot: Dr. Kelso. I am through taking my clothes off in front of men!
Dr. Kelso: I think I can speak for all of us when I say: We'll live.

Dr. Kelso: Uh, Ted. Dr. Koppelman has notified me that he will be vacating the office next to mine. His deteriorating health has made it impossible for him to continue on with us.
Ted: Oh, dear. Should we send him a card?
Dr. Kelso: Absolutely! See if you can find one that says, "Crippling arthritis or not, I want you out of my hospital by sundown so I can knock down your wall and make myself a giant office!"
Ted: You're a wonderful man.

Elliot: Todd, you're overcompensating, you're gay, and you need to be okay with it.
Todd: Oh yeah? If I'm "gay," how come I work out so much?

Ted: Maybe the person over here won't stay long.
Doctor: Well I'm here doing a research fellowship so I'll be anywhere from 15-25 years!
Ted: That's a long time. (To Dr. Kelso) You'll probably be dead.

Dr. Kelso: Laverne, I'm going to pretend you're not wearing that.
Laverne: Don't you usually wait 'til you're at home to do that?

J.D.: (Talking about death) I think it's like a game of dodge ball. There's a lot of chaos and screaming and you know, eventually you get your glasses snapped in half by the big kid who already has underarm hair. But then you wake up in the hot nurse's office and when she leans in to put that bandage on your nose you get a sense that something could actually happen if you just took a chance and buried your face in her knockers.
Dr. Cox: Holy cow. I'm so sorry. I guess for my part, I think death is a whole lot like that story, quite frankly, but if there is a God, it'll be a lot quicker and half as painful.

Ted: I feel I'd be more productive if my phone dialed out.

Dr. Kelso: Once I knock down this wall, I'm gonna have more room than I know what to do with.
Ted: Sir, I'm so happy for you I could crap.

J.D.: I think the Larkins compliment each other; they're a good team. Kinda remind me of us.
Dr. Cox: Rosanne, now granted I was, as usual, only half-way listening to you, but I get the sinking feeling you just compared us to a married couple. And I know, I know, a girl can dream but this is never gonna happen.

J.D.: (To a patient) I honestly believe in hospitals, there's like this balance, you know? It's like when one person dies, another person gets a chance to live. I like to call it the circle of life.
Dr. Cox: Oh my God! You must stop watching "The Lion King".
J.D.: I like that baby lion cub. What's his name?
Dr. Cox: Simba.
J.D.: Trick question! You like it too!