Season 3 Episode 13

My Porcelain God

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Feb 17, 2004 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • This is the first episode where Snoop Dogg Intern has a speaking part.

    • The episode screenshots that display during the credits are all images of characters sitting on toilets.

    • Ted reads out a legal letter directed towards Sacred Heart Elementary School to change their name. This is to note the fact that the name for the hospital came from the Sacred Heart Catholic School in Manhattan that Christa Miller (Jordan Sullivan) from the show and wife of creator Bill Lawrence, attended when she was young.

    • Featured Music:
      "A Murder of One" by Counting Crows
      "Down Under" by Colin Hay
      "That's The Way I Like It" by Elliot's pager, Elliot and Kevin

    • Hector can only understand Spanish, so Dr. Cox asks Carla to let him know he can "stay just as long as he likes" after admitting him to Dr. Kelso's office. Yet in an earlier episode in Season 1, "My Old Lady", Dr. Cox demostrates that he can speak fluent Spanish.

    • When Dr. Kelso talks with Ted the clock behind him reads 12:15. When he switches tables to get away from Ted and runs into Carla, the clock behind him reads 8:05. The next time we see it, the clock changed to the appropriate time.

    • When Elliot and Dr. Casey are talking in the cafeteria, his sandwich alternates from being cut into two halves with a toothpick and being one whole piece. When Dr. Casey returns from the toilet, the white cap of the orange drink keeps appearing and disappearing.

  • Quotes

    • Dr. Cox: Well done, there, Barbie. You're now exactly where you were three years ago.

    • J.D.'s Narration: I think it's human nature to search for answers.
      Turk: Dude. Why is your tux gonna cost four thousand dollars?
      J.D.: No reason.

    • Elliot's Narration: Okay... So far no epiphanies. Except that outdoor toilet seats are like frickin' icicles!

    • Carla: You know, Hector told me he's worked for Dr. Kelso for twenty years. That's half his life. I mean, I know he looks 50, but that's what being in the sun all day does to your skin.
      Dr. Cox: Right, right.
      Carla: The point is, it doesn't seem like he hates Dr. Kelso.
      Dr. Cox: Say... Say, Bobbo... Is it possible that you're occasionally a decent human being in your life outside of this place?
      Dr. Kelso: Well, champ, seeing as you don't exist in my life outside this place, I doubt it's any of your damn business.

    • J.D.: Look, Turk, I heard the message that your brother left on the machine. I want you to know, if there's anything I can do to make your whole wedding go smoother, just tell me. Even if it's stepping down from being best man.
      Turk: The only reason I asked my brother to be best man was because I knew he couldn't come to the wedding. But now his plans have changed and he's all excited. Dude, it has to be you, you know that.
      J.D.'s Narration: It's always uncomfortable when two guys wanna say something each other.
      J.D.: Look, you've been my best friend for ten years, man; I've loved you since college, and you know I'd do anything for you.
      Turk: Dude, look, man, you're my friend and I frickin' love you; and no one's looked out for me like you have. Cool.
      J.D.: Solid... You know, if it makes it easier, I guess we could be co-best men.
      Turk: You have no idea how much stress that would relieve.
      J.D.: Even though... God said it's supposed to be one...

    • Turk: With Marbury, I really believe New York has a shot at the title, man.
      J.D.: Yeah, me too.
      Turk: Which sport are we talking about?
      J.D.: I wanna say tennis...

    • Dr. Kelso: Hector's wife just set my drapes on fire with her damn prayer candle!
      Carla: He's here!
      Dr. Kelso: I want them both out of my office!
      Carla: Sir, there's a ton of empty beds right here. All you have to do is flick the switch.
      Dr. Cox: You know how to do that, don't you, Bob? You just bend over... and flick.

    • Elliot: I need help.
      Dr. Cox: I know you do, sweetie, but here I'm plum out of hair scrunchies. Now scram, princess, we're waiting for somebody.

    • J.D.: But look, if you need help, I'm always here for you.
      Elliot: All right, see, with intubating... I can't seem to intubate patien-
      J.D.: There's Turk. I gotta go.

    • Elliot: Look, I don't wanna sound pathetic, but, he didn't even help me.
      J.D.: He didn't help a lot of people, Elliot. It was just me, and Turk, and Carla, and Dr. Cox, and Doug, and Dr. Mickhead-
      Elliot: Mickhead? No, Mickhead's in rehab.
      J.D.: Was in rehab, Elliot. Was. He'll never huff paint again.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Watching Kevin go, I wondered how gay I looked giving that two-handed handshake.

    • J.D.: Cool. I'll see you tomorrow.
      Dr. Casey: Uh, actually, no. I got a call - I have to go back to my hospital.
      J.D.: Why? Why do you have to do that?
      Dr. Casey: Well, look at it this way: Uh, I may be leaving here, but I will always be there. (points at J.D.'s heart)
      J.D.: I know.
      Dr. Casey: I am so messing with you!

    • J.D.: Dr. Casey! Have you seen Turk?
      Dr. Casey: Oh, yeah, nice guy... good surgeon... great dancer.
      J.D.: You should see us gettin' down when we try pants on together.
      Dr. Casey: Yeah-heh. I have to go.

    • Hector(Translated from Spanish): I hope I'm not causing Dr. Kelso any trouble.
      Carla(Translated from Spanish): Oh, screw him, he ate your sandwich.
      Ted: I forget. Is that "kill him" or "screw him"?
      Carla/Hector: "Screw him."
      Ted: Awwww.

    • Dr. Kelso: I can't even think straight with this incessant whispering. It's like a Spanish golf tournament in here!
      Carla: I'm sorry, Dr. Kelso, but I'm trying to get their lunch orders!
      Dr. Kelso: Oh, that reminds me. Hector, Enid made you a prosciutto and mozzarella sandwich, but I... uh... well, there was a misunderstanding and now it's gone.

    • Ted: "Furthermore, if Sacred Heart Elementary for Girls does not change its name posthaste" - I thought that was a nice touch - "legal action will be taken, posthaste." Wait, that's wrong.
      Dr. Kelso: Shocker.

    • Elliot: Look, um, that problem I was talking about before... I can't seem to intubate patients anymore. I mean, I used to do that better than anyone here. Now the only thing that sets me apart from the other doctors is that my beeper plays "That's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it! Mm-hm, mm-hmm!" I don't know what to do.
      Dr. Casey: It's just a piece of porcelain! I mean, there's no reason we both shouldn't be able to sit on it!
      Elliot: Yeah, um, about my career-ending problem...
      Dr. Casey: We must conquer the roof toilet.

    • J.D.'s Narration: You know what, it's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You're still best man. It's not like Turk's gonna take that away from you.
      Turk: J.D., can I talk to you?
      J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
      Turk: Have you seen Carla around?
      J.D.'s Narration: Phew! False alarm.
      Turk: 'Cause I need to, uh, talk to you in private? Sort of man to man?
      J.D.'s Narration: AGH!
      J.D.: I can't right now, Turk. I am completely swamped.
      Turk: You're drawing lightning bolts on your Nikes.
      J.D.: So I can get to my patients faster.

    • Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside for a moment the fact that I'm gonna make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling - let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof... There is not a toilet on the roof!
      Todd: But you just said there was.
      Janitor: No! Yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... uhh... that means... "God is watching us." You've heard this, "There's a toilet on the roof." Right? People?
      Laverne: That's right, ain't nothing up there.
      Todd: Cool.

    • Janitor: Oh, man. Tell me you're not waiting to use my roof toilet!
      Laverne: Well, I would use Dr. Kelso's like I normally do, but I don't wanna wake up Hector.

    • Dr. Kelso: This is completely unacceptable!
      Carla: Well, you said find him a room!
      Dr. Kelso: Not my office, dammit!
      Dr. Cox: He's your gardener, for God's sake!
      Dr. Kelso: I could have both of you suspended...
      Dr. Cox: You made your own bed, now your underpaid gardener's gotta sleep in it!

    • Elliot: Oh, it's just that I'm a little more comfortable with the setup that I have at home, you know. Like... extra locks.
      Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've only gone outside my house twice. Once on an airplane, and once at the White House.
      Elliot: How are the bathrooms at the White House?
      Dr. Casey: I have no idea, but the fountains are nice. And security? Quick as bunnies.

    • Elliot: So tell me, is it harder being a surgeon or a doctor?
      Dr. Casey: Oh, definitely a surgeon. 'Cause when you tell people that a loved one died, you have to do that thing where you pull your surgical mask down and you shake your head. If you do it too fast, it says, you know, I knew he was gonna die. And if you take too long and pause with it, it gives 'em false hope. So you have to do it perfectly.

    • Carla: Just tell me why would you make such a big deal about something we both know you don't even care about?
      Turk: I don't know...
      J.D.: Well, I better get to work before all the good patients are taken.

    • Carla: I wanted those red cummerbunds because that's the theme!
      Turk: Red is a theme?
      Carla: Love is the theme! We're in love, you idiot!

    • J.D.'s Narration: Sure I was hurt when I found out I was Turk's second choice for best man. But I'm not gonna be petty... I mean, when the tux guy called to confirm Turk's measurements, I gave them to him.
      Turk: Dude! I look like I'm going to Ferrakhan day-camp!
      J.D.: Just paint your legs black, you'll be fine.

    • Janitor: Did you tell anybody about my epiphany toilet?
      J.D.: No, why?
      Janitor: Where're you coming from?
      Ted: Uhhh...
      Over the Janitor's shoulder, J.D. shakes his head
      Ted: ...No!

    • Dr. Kelso: Hey, ace! I want you to find my gardener, Hector, a room. He has a mild case of cellulitis, and I need him in tip-top shape by the weekend. I'm having my annual lawn-bowling tournament, and if anyone but Hector cuts my grass, my game goes to heck in a hand-basket.
      Dr. Cox: Dammit all, Bob, you know we don't have an extra bed in this dump!
      Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

    • Dr. Cox: I swear to God, Carla, if one more annoying thing comes my way, please just go ahead and extract some of that extra air out of Barbie's head and inject it right into my veins!

    • Tailor: Where I grew up, they didn't allow two men to marry.
      J.D.: Well, we grew up in...
      Turk: Well, shoot, I grew up in the 'hood...
      J.D.: ...There you gotta do things like test suits out...
      Turk: ...That's right... I'ma go change.

    • J.D.: Can I practice my toast on you?
      Dr. Cox: No.
      J.D.: I'm opening with a quote from 'Spartacus'.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Even if you've done a procedure five thousand times, there's no guarantee you won't screw up number five thousand, one.
      Dr. Cox: A few more seconds, we would have been coding this guy. Take that. Barbie, as hard as it is to remember, but air goes in the lungs.

    • Dr. Cox: All right, then. Mr. Tanaka here is fatiguing and he needs to be intubated. Any questions?
      J.D.: Yeah, Turk has asked me to be his best man. You got any advice?

    • J.D.'s Narration: It's weird how much Dr. Casey has influenced me in such a short time.
      J.D.: Bink!
      Laverne: Hey! Bink you!

    • Dr. Casey: Who would use this thing?
      Janitor: You kiddin'? Oh, man! Just picture yourself, you're standing out here, in the open air, then you sit down and you take stock of your life. I've had some major epiphanies on this old girl. See, you can't do any soul-searching down there on those germ-infested crappers.
      J.D.'s Narration: Damn him. He's right.

    • Dr. Casey: Do you plunder?
      J.D.: I have been known to plunder.

    • Dr. Kelso: Now. Your patients on this wing have all been complaining about odd noises.
      Dr. Casey: Oh, if it's a "bink" I can explain.
      Dr. Kelso: It isn't "bink"! Stop saying "bink"!
      J.D.: Was it "I come from the land down under! Where women glow and men plunder!" That wasn't me.

    • Carla: Turk wants to ask you something, and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you said yes.
      J.D.'s Narration: Oh, my God. Would I have a threesome with Turk and Carla? Well, it's certainly flattering, and I don't think they'd tell anyone...
      Turk: Will you be my best man?
      J.D.: ...Oh.

    • (J.D. has agreed to be Turk's best man.)
      Elliot: So is this, like, the best moment you guys have ever had?
      J.D.: (Pouring himself cereal. A small clink is heard.) A decoder ring...huh. (Keeps pouring. Another clink is heard.) TURK!
      Turk: (Entering) What?
      J.D.: (Holds up both rings) It finally happened!
      Turk: A double-prizer?!
      (They yell and jump together. End Flashback.)
      Turk: (Wistfully) That was awesome.
      Carla: You guys realize you're doctors, right?
      J.D.: Double-secret-decoder-ring wearing doctors.
      J.D. & Turk: (Touching their ring-clad fists together) Activate!
      J.D.: Form of an ice menorah!

    • (Dr. Cox whistles and no one moves.)
      Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry. Does (whistles) mean 'stare at me like jackasses' or 'get the hell over here'!?

    • Dr. Casey: (touching Dr. Kelso's nose) Bink!
      Dr. Kelso: Oh, okay. I guess that's how they say hello in Crazyland.

    • Carla: You ever think there's more to Dr. Kelso than we know?
      Dr. Cox: Sure, is he in fact a latex-encased robot with real human hair and a circuit board where his heart should be? I can't...I can't rule that out.

    • Elliot: If one of my loved ones ever dies... I hope it's because of you.
      Dr. Casey: Hey, me too.
      Elliot: Are we, uh, flirting?
      Dr. Casey: A little bit.
      Elliot: Awesome!
      Dr. Casey: Have you seen the roof toilet?
      Elliot: No. But I'm a nervous pooer.
      Dr. Casey: Okay, now we're definitely not flirting.

    • Janitor: If I find out you told anybody, I'm gonna beat you with poppy's old nickel sock.
      J.D.: First of all, why would I tell anyone? And secondly, no one has epiphanies on the john!

    • Dr. Cox: Oh, that's just dandy. I got a billion patients and no rooms, and I got Newbie pestering me for advice on how to be the best woman at Turtlehead's wedding, and I got a resident who can't do a simple procedure even though she learned it the first week she was here.

    • Dr. Cox: Newbie! It turns out I, uh, I do have some best man advice. Go easy on the mascara in case you cry during your toast. And if you're gonna chase after the bouquet with all of the other girls, make sure you kick off your pumps so you don't snap one of those chicken ankles of yours.
      J.D.: Thanks. Thanks for coming back.

    • Turk: Todd, surgeon is spelled "-g-e-o-n"? And, uh...there are two Ds in "Todd".

    • Carla: Dr. Kelso! Where are we gonna fit these people? They're all sick!
      Dr. Kelso: It's not my job to take care of sick people.

    • J.D.: And get this: He calls it his "epiphany toilet"!
      Elliot: Yeah, you couldn't pay me to poop on the roof.
      Turk: No one's offering.

    • Janitor: That, my friends, is a roof toilet.
      Dr. Casey: I'm sorry, you said that like it's a normal thing.
      J.D.: Be careful with this guy, he's uh...
      Janitor: Hey! You're the guy that's been using up all my soap!
      Dr. Casey: Yeah, I've got OCD.
      Janitor: Really!? My grandpa had that. Every morning he'd take a gym sock, fill it up with nickels, and just beat us! That's OCD, right?
      J.D.: The bad kind.

    • Dr. Casey: That toilet on the roof's got my number.
      Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
      Dr. Casey: God, no. I can't even sit on it.

    • Dr. Casey: Why can't I sit on you!? Why??

    • Elliot: Kevin left. He didn't even say goodbye.
      J.D.: Elliot... he didn't say goodbye to a lot of people, just me, Dr. Cox, Carla, Doug, Snoop Dog intern.
      Snoop Dog Intern: Where are my hoes at?
      J.D.: I haven't seen them.

    • Dr. Kelso: Perry, what has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso! I thought we'd met.

    • J.D.'s Narration: The reason I'm gurney-surfing, besides the fact that it's bitchin'...

    • J.D.: I'm your best friend and your best man, what else can I be best at?
      Turk: How about best at being quiet?
      J.D.'s narration: One one thousand, two one thousand, and now I'm best at that...

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • J.D. & Turk: (Touching their ring-clad fists together) Activate!
      J.D.: Form of an ice menorah!

      This exchange is a reference to the Wonder Twins, a pair of superheroes that first appeared on Super Friends. They said, "Wonder Twins, Activate!" to access their powers. J.D. is more specifically making a reference to Zan, who could change into any form of water by saying, "Form of a..." Elliot also references the Wonder Twins in the episode 'My Sex Buddy' from season two.