Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Nurse Laverne Roberts
when J.D takes his interns outside the hospital to talk as evens, the camera is on J.D and Gloria is not in the background, but after Rex asks him "shouldn't we wait for Gloria", she appears behind him.
In the beginning of the cafeteria scene, the clock is on 12.05, but several minutes later, the clock's pointer still hasn't moved at all.
When J.D. is going to give Rex ketchup, he takes the lid off, but when Elliot calls for it and J.D. throws it to her, the ketchuplid is on again.
"Sooner or Later" by Michael Tolcher/Emotion Project
"The Zoom Zoom Jingle"
In this episode, J.D. explains that on burger day, there is only one bottle of ketchup for 75 employees. However, in other episodes (including 5.1, "My Intern's Eyes"), you can clearly see plain red plastic ketchup bottles on tables in the cafeteria. Why would there suddenly be only one bottle of ketchup, and why would it be a name brand bottle and not one of those plastic ones?
The bottle of ketchup thrown between characters in the cafeteria reads "Heine" on the label. This is a play on "Heinz" tomato ketchup, and all of the labeling mimicks that used by Heinz on their ketchup bottles.
However, nobody uses any sauce in the episode, they either open it or just hold it.
In the previous episode, the intern character whose point of view we get to follow's name is Keith, and has long bangs that J.D pulls in front of his eyes. However in this episode the intern Keith has short hair, most likely he must have cut his hair in the time between episodes or perhaps it isn't the same Keith?
When Perry takes a bite of the "heroin sandwich" he is holding it with he's bare hand but when the camera angle changes, he is holding the sandwich with a napkin in his hand.
Jason: Did we do something wrong, Dr. Dorian?
J.D.: No, you guys are fine. You're doing a good job.
J.D.'s Narration: Still, good guy or not, there's no reason why you shouldn't enjoy the perks.
J.D.: You know what, I want the laughter back!
Dr. Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
Jordan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
Dr. Cox: No, no. No no no no no no no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!
Carla: So, Jordan, I heard Sam got you. Don't worry, he totally suckered me once.
Laverne: When I first started, I lent my car to a patient to go pick up her kids? Last time I ever saw that hotrod.
Turk: Dude, get up - I gotta go to the bathroom.
J.D.'s Narration: As I went to the men's room with Turk, praying he only had to go onesies...
J.D.: We were gonna do Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor Has a Fresca, but then Turk started getting on my case about my interns!
Turk: He's mad because they're sucking up to him. And I was sayin', Dude, that's the exact same thing you did with Dr. Cox.
J.D.: You know what? Put our right hand in front of your face... Now talk to it!
Mr. Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
Dr. Kelso: Jordan. Uh, this is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
Mr. Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before-
Mr. Thompson: Hey, dude!
Dr. Kelso: Why didn't you tell her?
Turk: 'Cause he told me not to!
Dr. Cox: This is gonna cost you.
Turk: Oh my God, you got that little bit of saliva on your lip that says you know something juicy!
Carla: No, I don't.
Turk: Here it comes... YES!
Carla: Oh, okay, here's the scoop!
Elliot: Seriously, if you tell, I will never trust you again with anything.
Dr. Kelso: Where've you been?
Dr. Mickhead: What're you doing?
Janitor: How's Blonde Doctor?
Laverne: What's the dish?
Carla: I gotta go!
Carla: No hablo Inglés!
J.D.: Hey! Why don't you guys go upstairs and do some work? And for God's sakes, will somebody wake up Gloria?
Jordan: I'm not sure how people go about doing these things...(pulls out some cash) but here. You should be there for your daughter's birthday.
Mr. Thompson: I can't take that.
Jordan: Come on... I can't even Botox an ear with this.
Fellowship Director: Hey, Bankfarter, did you hear? Charlie found a successful gene therapy for O.I. He basically cured the disease.
Elliot: How did he have any time to work when he was always torturing me!?
Fellowship Director: Jealousy's an ugly color, Bankfarter. Anyway, we're discontinuing your fellowship.
Elliot: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because... well... Look, there's so much great about you - you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
Carla: Elliot? Bring it.
Elliot: You're a bit of a gossip.
Carla: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
Elliot: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
Carla: "Bankfarter"'s not so bad. It sounds German!
Keith: Look! Your jokes kind of suck, and when I laugh you pick me to do procedures!
J.D.: Unbelievable. From now on, there is absolutely no laughing at my jokes unless they're particularly hysterical. Talk about your Mission Impossibles.
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, be cool. They're just kids... Except Gloria. What is her deal?
J.D.'s Narration: As for me, I already knew exactly what the truth was. Plus, my best friend was always around to back me up.
J.D.: How funny is this joke: "That patient's tumor is so big, it's starting to look like a 'threemor'!" Heh heh heh...
Keith: "Threemor"! You are hilarious, Dr. D.!
Turk: Awful. Awful. Awful!
Elliot: Why did you come here, Carla?
Carla: You're mad at me? Why didn't you want me to come to your job?
Nurse: Hey, Bankfarter! If you want, we're all going down for lunch?
Elliot: You tell me.
Mr. Thompson: Tell me about your kid.
Jordan: Oh, how'd you know I was a mom?
Mr. Thompson: As a parent myself, I can read the signs, you know? And let us not forget the understated coffee mug we're carrying.
(Jordan looks at her mug, which has a photo of Jack and the words "Jack's Mom.")
Cafeteria Worker: I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough!
Bum: Heh heh, funny! You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was fowl!
Laverne: I was gonna be a doctor, but I didn't have the patients.
Dr. Johnson: I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-Freud.
J.D.: Okay, gang, I'll meet you up in Radiology to talk about Mr. Heath's CAT scan. His tumor's getting so big, it's starting to look like a "threemor"!
Elliot: I knew I shouldn't have had that chimichanga! I have to... you know...
Elliot: "Ffft ffft."
Carla: Ohh. Well, go for it. There's mostly guys here - they'll never think it was you.
(Elliot emits a high-pitched sound)
Guy: I think that blonde girl just farted.
J.D.: That's a lotta boys. Rex gets first dibs because I opened his chest with a buzz saw.
Jordan: I am your new friend, so suck it!
J.D.: I gotta go talk to my boys!
Carla: Oh, and I have to go talk to Elliot.
Turk: No, wait, don't leave me!
Dr. Kelso: Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
Dr. Kelso: You seem to be developing quite the rapport with your interns.
J.D.: We even spent this weekend building a house for the homeless.
J.D.: Hey, Turk, I'm gonna go across the street and get some coffee. You want one?
Turk: Get me a small one-pump mocha.
J.D.'s Narration: The perfect set-up to a joke, but no one's around to hear!
J.D.: Sir, I'd love to chat but it's already 8. I've got to rock and roll.
Dr. Cox: I beg your pardon?
(J.D.'s in the corner with Dr. Cox's interns.)
J.D.: I'm an attending!
Dr. Cox: Tell it to the wall, Newbie.
J.D.: That dog just laughed at a pun.
Dr. Cox: Maybe he's from the International Pretentious Association and he's here to remove your goatee.
J.D.: Ok guys, let's talk for a second as equals, alright? Seriously, I'm taking off my stethoscope and my little name tag. (He does so) I'm not a doctor right now.
Lisa: You're still wearing scrubs.
(He rips his scrubs off)
Rex: We are in a hospital, man.
(Cuts to them in front of the hospital parking lot)
J.D.: Ok, we're off the property. Let's talk.
Cabbage: Shouldn't we wait for Gloria?
Gloria: (Still walking from the parking lot) Coming!
Dr. Kelso: (About the drug patient) Turkelton, you've dealt with him before. Why didn't you tell her?
Turk: Because he told me not to. (Points to Dr. Cox)
Dr. Cox: This is going to cost you.
Turk: Get off my back I'm not in the mood.
Dr. Cox: I wasn't sure if you wanted to give him more money or cut out the middle-man and just give him narcotics, so I brought your ATM card and a heroin sandwich. (Takes a bite of the sandwich) It's not heroin. It's smoked turkey.
Turk: Remember that meningitis patient who stole your identity?
J.D.: Darryl! He's cool - from now on, he's only gonna use my credit card for emergencies!
Elliot: Okay, I'm sure you know about it - go ahead, take your shots.
Turk: You've got bug eyes.
J.D.: Just because you dye your mustache blonde doesn't mean it's gone.
Dr. Kelso: There it is, just like I said. I can feel your hatred like a cool spring breeze. Ahhh.
Dr. Cox: Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
Turk: I can't watch this.
Laverne: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
J.D.: What is it with you and the costumes today!?
Janitor: I borrowed it from my brother. He's a stripper.
Dr. Kelso: I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
J.D.: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher - I'm not prepared to operate on anyone!
J.D.: Whatever. If it wasn't funny, why did they all laugh?
Janitor: Wake up and smell the third floor urinal I haven't cleaned in four years!
Mr. Thompson: Hey! If you feel like talking, I've got a dandy conversation starter: I have had someone else's fingers in four - count 'em, four - different orifices today.
Jordan: Oh! Must be your birthday.
Ted: Those two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
Todd: Hey! They have names! (Pointing at each breast): Tina, Marge; Sloppy, and Mr. Snuggles.
Laverne: Sloppy's bigger than Mr. Snuggles.
Jordan: So I hear you and the wife are trying for a boy. Little tip: The night that Perry and I conceived Jack, he was on top, it was about three days before my ovulation...yeah. Oh, and he was choking me. Gagh! Ah, it was good.
Carla: Or that stupid Siamese twin thing you do?
Turk: You mean Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor?
J.D.'s Narration: I had to skedaddle because today was burger day in the Caf. And that meant one thing - seventy-five hungry employees, and one bottle of ketchup.
J.D.: The answer's two.
J.D.: "How many janitors does it take to change a lightbulb?" "Two."
Janitor: Okay, that doesn't make any sense. Hank's an electrician. And you are not funny.
J.D.: I'm very funny. Earlier, I made a killer "one-pump mocha" joke. Everybody laughed.
Janitor: I bet that nobody laughed, but you didn't notice that 'cause you were busy doing that cocky self-laugh thing you do when you think you're being funny.
Dr. Kelso: Son, when you're an intern, you get treated like crap; and then when you're in a position of power, you do the same thing to them. It's inevitable! Like the tide, or the awkward toast I'm going to have to give some day at my son's big gay wedding. Mark my words: Eventually you'll treat them like dirt like the rest of us do.
Elliot: Charlie, I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told you yesterday when you popped out of that haz-mat bin: I work alone, and you have somebody's else's blood on your neck. Take a shower, man.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, now that you work here every day, if the carpool torturing persists -
Dr. Cox: ... I'm gonna put a plexiglass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy. You can't, you can't, you can't! Heh. Unfortunately, your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash, you won't be able to get out. However, that's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
J.D.: So what did you want me to get you?
Turk: A small one-pump mocha?
J.D.: Wasn't that your nickname in high school? Helloooooooooo!
J.D.: Have you guys been fake-laughing at my jokes? Be honest, I promise: absolutely no ramifications!
Keith: Well, we've been kinda fake-laughing!
J.D.: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse!
Patient: See, a few years ago I had some business problems..
Jordan: What was your business?
Patient: Import/Export. Yeah, I would import heroin in my bloodstream, I would export vomit and urine in whatever alley would have me as a guest. (laughs)
Jordan: Oh, sorry.. that's the little smile I get when I'm silently judging someone.
Turk: How do I know this guy?
Dr. Cox Maybe.. you used to date him!
Turk: Oh, that's so clever! I'm gay! Wow! It's good!
Dr. Cox: I'm tired!
Dr. Cox: For the love of G-d, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else!
Jordan: Yeah.. I usually pretend we're doing something else!
Turk: How would we embarrass her?
Carla: Oh.. maybe by diagnosing all your female patients with "Turk Fever"!
Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that!
J.D.: That's true! I even had it!
J.D.: (to his interns) Kick some ass today, guys! Except for Mr. Woodsen in 302.. he's got a rectal tear!
Dr. Cox: I have been waiting for an hour!
Jordan: I know.. I was leafing through a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite is when you said "screw her!", then you stormed out, but then you came back, cause you realized that I have the keys!
Dr. Cox: I believe in team-building too, Newbie, and I'd make my interns agree with me but they're on a time out because one of them used the phrase "Let's rock and roll".
Turk: Get off my back. I'm not in the mood.
J.D.: That's what she said.
J.D.: His tumor is looking so big, it's starting to look like a three-mor!
Elliot says "och, verdammt nochmal, nimm meine Leute nich' auf den Arm, Carla." The translation in the subtitle is correct except they should have added "oh dammit" at the beginning.
Alexander Gaberman, one of the stars of Bill Lawrence's previous show Spin City makes his second guest appearance on Scrubs as Sam Thompson.
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