Season 3 Episode 10

My Rule of Thumb

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Jan 22, 2004 on NBC
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Episode Summary

Carla and Elliot try to help Maggie, a dying patient, to lose her virginity as she prepares to die.
Walking in on her sister and Dr. Cox prompts Danni to move in with J.D. Dr. Cox attempts to convince Turk to do a liver transplant for a patient he has "moved up" the list. But a personal grudge seems to stand in the way and may decide whether the patient lives or dies.moreless

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Donald Faison

Donald Faison

Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk

John C. McGinley

John C. McGinley

Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox

Judy Reyes

Judy Reyes

Nurse Carla Espinosa

Ken Jenkins

Ken Jenkins

Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso

Neil Flynn

Neil Flynn

The Janitor

Sarah Chalke

Sarah Chalke

Dr. Elliot Reid

Joel Huggins

Joel Huggins


Guest Star

Joe Sabatino

Joe Sabatino


Guest Star

Mike Starr

Mike Starr

Kyle Iverson

Guest Star

Martin Klebba

Martin Klebba

Randall Winston

Recurring Role

Tara Reid

Tara Reid

Danni Sullivan

Recurring Role

Christa Miller-Lawrence

Christa Miller-Lawrence

Jordan Sullivan

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (6)

    • Elliot has previously said that she has never had an orgasm, yet she tells a patient about the time when her friend's brother told everyone what her orgasm face looked like.

    • Carla told Dr. Cox that he never told her what he thinks about Turk. But Cox did tell her what he thought about Turk back in episode My Brother, My Keeper (episode 2-14.)

    • When Carla and Elliot are in the back of the police car the shot shows the headrest of the front passenger seat but when it cuts to the cop there is a metal barrier between them and the seat that wasn't there before. When it cuts back to the two girls the metal barrier is again missing.

    • In the beginning when Dr. Cox's good mood is flowing out, lifting everyone's spirits, the only regular or semiregular cast members not included were Doug, Todd and Nurse Laverne Roberts. The only person whose spirit Dr. Cox's cool breeze doesn't lift up is Dr. Kelso, who is disappointed by the fact that Ted, now in high spirits, does not jump off the roof. Dr. Kelso then scowls and mutters "chicken" under his breath.

    • Featured Music:
      "Happy Go Lucky Me" by Paul Evans
      "It's Raining Men" by The Weather Girls

    • Elliot says she had her orgasm face made fun of in high school, but in My Balancing Act , she says she has never had one.

  • QUOTES (48)

    • J.D.'s Narration: Of course, some rules are just plain silly.
      Dr. Cox: Ya got big plans for tonight?
      Carla: Oh... It's Turk's stupid rule, I don't wanna talk about it. Hey! You never told me what you really think of Turk.
      Dr. Cox: He is a complete tool... But I suppose you could do a lot worse.

    • Ted: You are so beautiful.
      Maggie: That was worth the wait! You are a stallion!

    • Carla: Uh, she's sleeping, sir.
      Dr. Kelso: So?
      Elliot: You know, there's cupcakes down in Pediatrics!
      Dr. Kelso: Ooh!

    • Dr. Cox: I see, so what, that's... that's it? You say she gets the liver and that's the way it goes?
      Turk: No, she gets the liver because she followed the rules.
      Dr. Cox: Ah-ha.
      Turk: Dr. Cox, I know it's really hard on you medical guys, because you spend most of your time with your patients and you get emotionally attached. But as a surgeon, the person I'm closest to is the guy who's giving us the liver, because it's a gift, and I think it's important that it goes to the person that's proven they're up to the responsibility.
      Dr. Cox: Holy cow, I get it. I gotta collect myself for a moment, here. That's very touching.

    • Turk: That's Stephanie, our new transplant patient.
      Dr. Cox: Oh. And you picked her, so I'm quite sure she is so very nice.
      Turk: No, actually she's alienated every member of my surgical team.
      Dr. Cox: Sweetheart, you're not even on the surgical team.
      Turk: I am a very important part of the team that!... I am a very important part of the team, thankyouverymuch.

    • Elliot: Hm! Can't believe Chuck gave up stripping to become a city councilman!
      Carla: Same job, different outfit.
      Elliot: Pff! True dat!
      Carla: Elliot! You ain't as ghetto as ya think y'are, 'kay?

    • Todd: Don't worry, sweetheart, this'll all be over in a second.
      Larry: Please stop.
      Todd: Oh! It's the hips that fool me.

    • Turk(muffled): You know, I'm really getting sick of this-
      Dr. Cox: Oh! I'm sorry! Are you talking? Because I've decided to keep my finger on the button, so I actually can't hear anything that's going on in there. But, for fairness' sake, I've decided to do your end of the conversation. It goes a little something like this: "Blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, cool hip-hop lingo, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah."

    • Dr. Cox: Oh, hello, and welcome to McSurgeon's. May I take your order? "Yeah, I was thinking about getting a simple operation with no unexpected complications, please?" Oh, gosh, here I'm sorry, we're fresh out of those. But! If you have a child, maybe you'd like to try one of our Infection Meals! That'll be seven thousand dollars, please pay at the second window.

    • Danni: I love how much you guys care about your patients.
      J.D.'s Narration: Wow. Danni is so sweet. What am I worried about?
      Danni: You know, Jordan and I are from around here, and our friend Chuck's a stripper? I'm sure he knows tons of guys that would love to have sex with your patient.
      J.D.'s Narration: What the hell!? What's it gonna be like when she's at my place!?

    • Elliot: Mm, it's so nice to have real food again.
      Carla: Elliot, they didn't even feed us.

    • Dr. Cox: Ohhh, hey Dr. Turk, you old turtle-headed pain in the ass. Aw! Dammit all, Perry, that is so not what you came down here to say! Now you're better than that!

    • Elliot: Slim, what are you in for?
      Criminal: Robbery.
      Elliot: Mm. Prostitution!
      Carla: Would you please stop enjoying this so much?

    • Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's a... he's a great guy.
      Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking... unless Cox says you're a great guy

    • Turk: Now, even though I won't be performing the transplant, I am a key member of the surgical team. It's too complicated to explain what it is I do, but in layman's terms I... I guess you'd call it "watching."

    • Elliot: Ha! What a rush! I mean, I have never slept with a prostitute before, but if it is half as much fun as buying one, sign me up!
      Cop: Hey! Quiet down back there!

    • Elliot: This is so exciting! The closest I've ever come to breaking the law was in sixth grade, when Alex Peterson sold his mom's Virginia Slims out of his guest house.
      Carla: Wow! Was he a Blood or a Crip?
      Elliot: He was Lutheran.

    • Dr. Cox: Lookit, here's the rule, there, porn-star: The moment her toothbrush hits your sink, you've got yourself a permanent roomie.
      J.D.: There'll be toilet paper everywhere!

    • J.D.: Hey, Laverne, my girlfriend's coming by; would you mind giving her the keys to my apartment?
      Laverne: You know, I shacked up with a man before I was married, too. His name was Jesus.
      Elliot: Our generation has the exact same morals and values as yours.
      Carla: Come on, Elliot. Let's go find ourselves a man-whore!

    • J.D.: Well, your kidneys healed up enough to release you, but no sparring in karate class for two months.
      Randall: Two months!? That's a real punch in the crotch!
      J.D.: Randall, could you stop using that expression? Because I can't get it out of my head.

    • Dr. Cox: I'm gonna go ahead and pass, and here's why: You're a typical surgeon, and as a rule you guys are insensitive and egotistical and you have the sense of humor of about a fourth grader.
      Turk: That's just not true.
      Todd: Who wants to touch my giant balls?

    • Turk: How was the liquor store, big guy?
      Dr. Cox: What're you talking about?
      Turk: Your six-pack. Much love!
      Dr. Cox: I don't know what you're talking about, there, butch. I don't know if you're sucking up to me or making a pass at me, but I say you skip it and we continue in our state of mutual disdain.
      Turk: Dr. Cox, you got it all wrong, man! I don't disdain you! It's quite the opposite - I "dain" you. Yeah. I think if you get to know me better, you just might "dain" me, too.
      Dr. Cox: Here that's interesting. Of course, it's gibberish, but it's-it's interesting nonetheless.

    • J.D.: Isn't it great being so comfortable with someone, you don't have to talk?
      Danni: Hmm.
      J.D.: Anyway, the point is, silence is awesome.

    • J.D.: Powerful tiny fists...

    • Maggie: I guess I was just waiting for someone special, and now I feel like I've missed out on one of the fundamental experiences of life for no good reason, you know?
      Carla: Is there anything we can do?
      Maggie: Don't people sometimes pay for sex?
      Elliot: Oh, boy, do they. I slept with Jenny Johnson's older brother in high school, and then he decided to tell all of his friends what my orgasm face looked like. Then three of them posed like that for their yearbook photos! Paid for that one for years.
      Carla: Elliot, I think she means pay money for sex.
      Elliot: Oh, I got a story about that, too - not about me, though, my mom... She gets lonely.

    • Elliot: Maggie, you seem so at peace with everything.
      Maggie: There's really only one thing I'll regret... I'm thirty-eight years old and I'm a virgin.
      Elliot: Me too.
      Carla: Elliot!
      Elliot: Sorry, sorry. It's just a reflex from college when I used to play the tambourine in a Christian rock band. Which was bull because everyone was sleeping with everyone. Sorry.

    • Maggie: Stop it, Ted. You're a great lawyer.
      Ted: Ohh, I love her.

    • Turk: Look, if it makes it easier, you can just pretend I'm Carla.
      Dr. Cox: I can totally do this. Carla.
      Turk: Wha-at?
      Dr. Cox: I think that your fiancé is a self-involved, bobble-headed jock itch who is not good enough for you. Not now, not ever.

    • Dr. Cox: Um, I think that-
      Carla: Oh, hold that thought.
      Turk: I would love to hear what you have to say.
      Dr. Cox: I don't think so, there, bowling ball.
      Turk: Well, you might as well spill it - Carla tells me everything. Except, of course, about that curling iron you have in your locker. It slipped!

    • Carla: You know, you're always taking shots at Turk, but you've never really told me what you think of him as a person.
      Dr. Cox: Me-me-me-me, me-me-me-me-meeee. Ah, there's the right pitch.

    • Ted is about to jump off the roof
      Ted: Not today! Life's too good!
      Dr. Kelso: Chicken.

    • J.D.'s Narration: And the janitor will think of new ways to torture me.
      Janitor: Hey. Don't open your locker for the next couple of days.

    • Todd: Nurse, I know you're new here, so I wanted to offer you the chance to assist me in a bypass later. And by that I mean we'd bypass the kissing and go straight to the....
      (The nurse removes the mask)
      Todd: Oh, my God, you're a dude?
      Turk: Sorry, Larry.
      (Larry goes off to clean up)
      Todd: Aw, I feel so bad. Look, I'll make it up to him. I will hook him up with...(scans room)...that chick!
      Turk: Dude, that's Larry again.
      Todd: Ohhh!

    • Dr. Cox: About a year ago, Jordan said she wanted to "crash for a while." Now my office is a nursery, my closet is my office, my clothes are in the entertainment center, and my TV is in the john, which I guess is kind of nice...I don't even know anymore.
      Ted: Same thing happened to me. After my divorce, I told Mariana I was going to crash at her place for a few weeks, and we've been sharing a bed for eight years.
      J.D.: Isn't Mariana your mother?
      Ted: Hey, who are we talking about here, you or me?

    • Carla: Ted's helping Maggie with her will.
      Maggie: Thanks again, Ted. How'd you get through sixty pages so quickly?
      Ted: Well, Miss Hibersol, it helps to not really know what you're doing.

    • J.D.'s Narration: God, I'm horrible at giving bad news! Wait a sec, I'm a doctor, I give bad news all the time. Just like I did with Mr. Clark this morning. Who does his daughter always remind me of?... Molly Ringwald! Heh. Man, she was good in 'The Breakfast Club'. I should rent that again. Come on! Focus! You have to tell her! God, I need something to get me out of it! Anything!
      The phone rings
      J.D.: Hello?... Yes, this is J.D.!... I'd love to pick you up at jail!

    • Dr. Kelso: Ladies, explain to me why you are so concerned with my policy on patients having sex in the hospital.
      Carla: No reason!
      Elliot: Just curious!
      Carla: Trying to learn.
      Elliot: I love you... sir.
      Dr. Kelso: Well, why don't we make it the same as my sex policy with my wife: Absolutely not! Now make me a sandwich.

    • Turk: How'd you get Dr. Cox to like you?
      J.D.: Dr. Cox said he liked me!?
      Turk: No, you're missing the point-
      J.D.: I need to know three things immediately: Where was he when he said it, what inflection did he use, and had he been drinking? You know what, I don't care about the third one; sometimes when you've been drinking you're the most truthful.
      Turk: Okay, look, I know Carla's gonna have her little pre-wedding panic attack, and what if she has her good ol' buddy Dr. Cox there to tell her what a jackass I am, huh? Then what?
      J.D.: You know what? I'm glad he was drunk.

    • Danni: I gotta get out of there. You think maybe I could crash at your house?
      J.D.: Sure. Just bring your own toilet paper. It's...kind of a little rule we have with our guests. Preferably something two-ply!
      Turk: How's it going, Danni?
      Danni: Great. I'm crashing at your place tonight.
      Turk: Oh, cool... Bring toilet paper.
      J.D.: I already told her.

    • Dr. Cox: Carla, cut the guy some slack. Surgery is not as easy as it looks. I mean, he's gotta make the incision, cut the wrong artery, panic, collapse into a ball of tears in the corner, and after all that he's gotta go wash up, check the board, and find out who he'll be killing after lunch. It's... a grind.

    • Turk: I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
      Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!

    • Dr. Kelso: Oh, Ted. I meant to tell you eight months ago, all those days of vacation you saved up expire!
      Ted: But sir! I was going to visit The Alamo with the guys from my public sp-speaking class!

    • J.D.: There'll be banana hammocks everywhere!

    • Turk: Who ordered the liver?
      Dr. Cox: Jackass
      Turk: Bite me. (To the patient) Great guy!

    • Dr. Cox: (Honestly sincere) Really Ted, I'm sorry about the mother situation.
      Ted: She has cold feet!
      Dr. Cox: Oh don't be that guy!
      Ted: What guy?
      (Dr. Cox leaves)
      What guy?!

    • Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony is going to be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?
      Carla: Because all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
      Elliot: Really? Oh God I wish I was ethnic!

    • Dr. Kelso: See this is why you shouldn't get emotionally invested in your patients.
      Dr. Cox: Hey Bobo, now when the dark prince does finally call you home, please promise me that you'll donate your body to science, and I don't mean medical science. I mean NASA, 'cause when those buzzcuts have all but given up on trying to figure out just exactly what a black hole is, and they get one look at that space where your heart was supposed to be, well by-gum you know they're gonna say, 'Aww shucks! That's what it is!'

    • Dr. Kelso: Hey champ. What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso. How ya doin'?

  • NOTES (1)


    • Martin Klebbas Character "Randall Winston" is an allusion to the Spin City character "Mayor Randall Winston".

    • J.D.: (to Carla and Elliot) So who wants to tell me what happened? Lucy? Ethel?

      J.D. is referencing Lucy and Ethel of "I Love Lucy" fame. The two women were always getting into trouble on the show, just like Carla and Elliot got into trouble in this episode.