Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. John Michael "J.D." Dorian
Special Guest Star
Nurse Laverne Roberts
J.D.'s female name for this episode is Belinda.
This episode features a group of doctors as patients of Sacred Heart Hospital. The doctors are played by Ed Begley Jr., Eric Laneuville, William Daniels and Stephen Furst. All four actors had recurring roles as doctors on the show St. Elsewhere.
In Latin America, during the entire episode, Dr. Cox's name was subtitled as "Dr. Kox".
When J.D. asks Dr. Cox for his patient back in the locker room, Dr. Cox puts on his lab coat and they start walking down the hall way. However, when the scene switches back and forth you can notice that the collar on Dr. Cox's lab coat changes continuously.
"All In My Head" by Shawn Mullins.
"Upside Down" by Jackpot.
Dr. Cox: Don't be embarrassed about looking at my ass, you're only human and everybody does it!
Carla: (Pokes Turk in the stomach) Boink! Who's your new friend?
J.D.: (Puts a letter on Turk's stomach) Look, he got a letter!
J.D.: I want my meningitis patient back.
Dr. Cox: No. Hey, do you know any women who hate themselves enough to actually date me?
J.D.: Why did you let me switch patients with you?
Dr. Cox: Because you asked me to. Oh, and because of your puppy-dog eyes.
J.D.: No, see, you're full of it - you knew I was scared, why didn't you just tell me to go in there and deal with it?
Dr. Cox: Well, gosh, Newbie, I don't know what it was about that day. Maybe I hadn't had enough sleep. Maybe my mind was on other things. Maybe I didn't have enough fiber in my diet, and I failed to do my morning business. I don't know what the hell it was, but the bottom line is I didn't feel like spelling it out for you. And I know, I know, you want your little speech, and that's fine because here it is: You're a doctor. You might get sick. Get over it.
J.D.: Thank you. Now, can I have my patient back?
Dr. Cox: No. Because, aside from his weird Judy Bloom obsession, I like him. You will be de-lousing Mr. Schaffer - guy's like fly-paper!
J.D.: What's your problem?
Elliot: This stuff doesn't come as easy to me as it does for you, okay? I study every night, and you know what else I have to do to try and remember all this crap? I tape-record myself saying it, and then I listen to myself over and over. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to hear myself go on and on and on...and on...and on...?
J.D.: No. Oh, come on, I have problems, too!
J.D.: I traded my meningitis patient - just traded him, like a baseball card. And you wanna know why? Because I was afraid of him! I'm a doctor who's afraid of sick people! You wanna take a picture with me?
J.D.: Dr. Cox., heh. Is there any way I can get you to cover Mr. Winston? He's my meningitis patient. Little bit of a personality difference - I mean, he says "tom-ay-to" and I say..."tom-ah-to".
Dr. Cox: Sure.
Dr. Cox: I'll take him. You just gotta grab my three gomers in 408.
J.D.: What's wrong with them?
Dr. Cox: I don't know, Newbie, I'm assuming they're sick.
Elliot: What are you doing here?
Sean: I...I bought you some extra scrubs to keep in your locker, so you never have to work topless again - unless you start dancing, which, you know, I thought about...and I'm okay with it!
Elliot: Great, so he's thoughtful, too!
Sean: Are you mad at me?
Sean: Oh, 'cause the yelling thing makes it seem like you're mad at me.
Elliot: Oh...you would know. I mean, you're so thoughtful, and handsome, and you would never forget your scrubs!
Sean: No, see, I don't wear scrubs. Although, one time I did lock my car keys in my car, uh, you know, while it was running...on a-on a bridge.
J.D.'s Narration: It really wasn't that hard for me to avoid my contagious guy.
J.D.: Carla, can you recheck Kernig and Brudzinski signs on Mr. Winston?
Carla: And why can't you do it?
J.D.: I would, but I don't got no mojo workin'. Right-with the mojo- I, um, you know, I have to go lecture some med students on myocardial infarction...
Carla: Oh, right...I think I saw them waiting for you in the "You're full of crap" ward.
Carla: Baby! I've been looking all over for you!
Dr. Cox: You didn't happen to bring his leash, did you?
Carla: What are you doing down here?
Turk: I'm gonna go for a little run with Dr. Cox.
Carla: But I haven't seen you in forever! We're supposed to go to the park...sorta let you tell me how pretty I am.
Dr. Cox: See ya, chubby.
Turk: Son of a-! Baby! You're prettier, like, every day!
He runs off after Dr. Cox.
Carla: I'm prettier in the park...
Dr. Kelso Why don't you attempt to crawl out of your little shame hole, Dr. Reid, and tell me the etiology of hypercalcemia in sarcoidosis... Gutter ball! Dr. Reid, yesterday you were running around my hospital half naked-
Dr. Simotes: Yeah, baby.
Dr. Kelso: -today, you're mucking up my rounds! Is your ponytail too tight? Perhaps you have a mild case of the boogie-woogie flu?
Dr. Kelso: Let's see who's on their game today and start off with a simple case of Pheochromocytoma. What is the initial test of choice, Dr. Reid?
Elliot: 24-hour urinary metanephrine?
Dr. Kelso: Right-o! And what is your pre-operative treatment?
Elliot: ACE inhibitors!
Dr. Kelso: Wrong-o!
Elliot: I have not been this happy since...well...ever! Don't you think Sean and I are such a great couple?
Dr. Simotes: I don't know who Sean is, and you've never spoken to me before.
Elliot: We just...we just click on every level, you know? God, and the sex! Oh!
Dr. Simotes: Hi, my name is V.J.!
Janitor: We've secretly replaced this doctor's blood with Hepatitis blood. Let's see if he notices!
J.D.: You know, I could be really sick here! Could you be nice for once in your life?
Janitor gives him an exaggerated grin and thumbs up.
Janitor: How's that?
J.D.: Good news, friend. The doctor is in!
Mr. Winston: I asked for a newspaper, and they gave me a bunch of Judy Bloom books from Pediatrics.
J.D.: I don't know anything about those... You have to read "Tales of the Fourth Grade Nothing" - completely turned high school around for me!
Turk: So, how do you do it, man? How do you stay in shape?
Dr. Cox: It's called discipline. Some of us work on our appearance.
Turk: Well, you think it's possible that I could work out with you sometime?
Dr. Cox: I don't know about that, stay-puff. I'm not particularly fond of you. Although, it might be fun to see you flail about for a couple of days.
Sean: You know, Freud said that ninety percent of all human behavior is motivated by sexual impulses? But, come on. You know, give me some credit. I'd say at least thirty percent of my behavior is motivated by advertising, and the rest by violence in film!
Elliot: For me it's ninety-eight percent getting my dad to love me, two percent chocolate.
Elliot: I'm sorry, we cannot have intercourse tonight.
Sean: You've gotta stop calling it that.
Elliot: It's just I'm falling so behind in my reading, and I really-
Sean: Elliot, don't always assume that I want to be fooling around. Sometimes I'm-I'm perfectly happy just being with you and thinking about fooling around.
Man 1: So, junior, what's with the antecubital veinal puncture?
J.D.: Oh, I got hit with the business end of one of my Hep-B patients' syringes last night.
Man 1: I once had a colleague who got bit by a patient with rabies.
J.D.: He's okay, right?
Man 1: No, he died.
Man 3: A friend of mine from med school contracted leprosy. They had to amputate one if his toes - just popped it right off!
Man 2: Oh, but Hepatitis! Scary stuff.
J.D.: Well, I'll-I'll be okay.
Man 4: Ohhh...maybe!
J.D.: I, uh, I have to go check on a...thing.
Man 1: To interns!
J.D.: All righty. What do we have here?
Man 1: What you've got here, young man, are four cases of Legionnaires' Pneumonia.
Man 2: So I would start us out on I.V. aminoglycosides.
Man 3: And make sure you check for urinary Legionella antigen.
Man 4: I don't know...it could be viral, considering my gastro-intestinal situation.
Man 3: Here comes the fart joke!
Man 4: No, no, no, really! I think I may have Strep pneumo!
Man 1: All four of us are doctors.
J.D.: Let me guess - golf cart accident?
Carla: You know I'm crazy in love with you! Don't tell me you're still obsessing over some stupid joke I made!
Turk: No, I'm not obsessing.
Carla: Good. Beso.
She leans in for a kiss
Turk: No, careful. I just might eat you.
Dr. Kelso walks in on Elliot changing in the break room
Elliot: Oh! Um... Good morning, sir!
Dr. Kelso: And yet another proud day for Dr. Reid. I'd say it can only get better, but we both know that isn't true, right sweetheart?
Elliot puts her top on, accidentally getting it on backwards.
J.D.'s Narration: The curse of the scrubs machine - one of the hospital's most annoying money savers. The only way to get clean scrubs out is to put dirty ones in.
J.D.: How can I help?
Elliot: Give me your shirt.
J.D.: How else can I help?
Elliot: Just go!
J.D.'s Narration: Ahhh, the Walk of Shame. All you can really hope for is a supportive friend to help you get through it.
J.D.: Elliot got some booty! Some booty! Some what? What? Elliot got some-
Elliot: Stop it!
J.D.: What? It's my "Elliot Got Some Booty" dance... Oh, come on! Elliot, it's not like anybody else knows.
Dr. Cox: What's up, porn star?
Laverne: Somebody toasted that marshmallow!
J.D.: Somebody got some a-action! She got some aaaction!
Ted: Um, I'm-I'm sure you'll be fine.
J.D.: Hey, here's your pen.
Ted: Uhhh...keep it.
Carla: Bambi, these tests are gonna come back negative. Believe me, everybody who works in a hospital eventually gets stuck.
J.D.: Thanks for being so nice to me.
Carla: Who wouldn't be nice to you right now?
Sean: Do you know what I wanna do to you tonight?
He leans over to whisper in her ear.
Elliot: You...didn't say anything.
Sean: Yeah, I know. It was gonna be really kinky, and I got embarrassed.
Elliot: Really kinky? Was I...a bad girl?
Sean: Very bad. You had to go to the principal's office.
Elliot: Ohhh. Mmm...I have an early shift tomorrow morning - I've gotta get some sleep.
Sean: You want me to take you home?
Elliot: No. But, if we're gonna pick up a school girl outfit and have sex, we have to leave this minute.
Janitor: (Hums the death march)
Janitor holds up puppet made from biohazard hood and bandaids for eyes
Janitor: (In high squeaky puppet voice) Gee! Is he gonna make it?
Janitor: (Normal voice) Ah, it doesn't look good.
Janitor: (In high squeaky puppet voice) Yaaaaaaaay!!!
Dr. Kelso: Hello! Dr. Dorian I understand you might need a refresher course in hospital safety. This is a syringe. When filled with infected blood where is the last place you might want to stick it?
J.D.: In my arm.
Dr. Kelso: Very good Dr Dorian!
Ted: Ooo, Mr. Sarcastic strikes again. (Upon seeing the look he gets from Dr. Kelso) For God's sake sir just fire me!
Laverne: Can we get a move on Q-tip? I got tickets to Bring in the Noise, Bring in the Funk and I don't wanna miss the noise.
Dr. Cox: There is only one rule to my workout plan. I hate my body.
Todd: Dude! Way to get your burger on!
Dr. Cox: Now, just exactly what in the hell is this?
Turk: I need to talk to you about something.
Todd: So, Dr. Cox, I haven't had the chance to tell you this yet: Your. Name. Rocks! Come on!
Dr. Cox: This conversation stops until cabana boy, here, goes.
Turk: How many nights a week are you in here?
Dr. Cox: A few.
Todd: Aw, he's being modest. The Big Dog's down here polishing his guns like every night!
Dr. Cox: That doesn't mean I don't have a life.
Todd: A couple times we even went out for a beer after!
Dr. Cox: Dude.
Dr. Cox: Dumb-ass says what.
Dr. Cox: I said, "A dumb-ass says what".
Janitor: Hey, I, uh, thought about what you said before and, um, you're right - I haven't been that nice.
Janitor: That's it. What, you wanna, uh, go to a ball game tonight and...share a big tub of popcorn?
J.D. walks off in a huff
Janitor: Well, that's the last time I reach out!
Dr. Kelso: Wrap it up for me, Ned.
Ted: It's Ted.
J.D.: I know.
Ted: I know a guy who can take care of him for us. One phone call.
J.D.: What's this?
Ted: If you should develop any symptoms that suggest you may have contracted Hepatitis B, this form simply states the hospital is not responsible.
J.D.: Thanks. That's, uh, that's comforting.
Dr. Cox: Do you understand that the second you look in the mirror and you're happy with what you see, baby you just lost the battle!
Turk: You should give speeches to teenage girls.
Janitor: We've secretely replaced this doctor's blood with Hepatitis blood. Let's see if he notices.
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: January 14, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My Sacrificial Clam" has had many guesses on the title. The most obvious one would be that J.D. learns that Doctors have to make sacrifices because they might get sick.
The song featured in this originally broadcast show, "All In My Head" by Shawn Mullins was replaced by the song "Upside Down" by Jackpot on the DVD release of this show.
The group of four doctors who have Legionnaire's Pneumonia are all played by actors who were in the hospital drama St. Elsewhere; their diagnosis is quite fitting, given that it was the first TV medical drama to tackle that mysterious ailment.
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