Season 3 Episode 21

My Self-Examination

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Apr 27, 2004 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • Featured Music:
      "Follow Through" by Gavin DeGraw

    • J.D. tells Elliot that he wants to order Chinese food and stay in tonight, and she agrees. However, they both know that tonight is the rehearsal dinner for Turk and Carla's wedding. Why would they make alternate plans?

    • When J.D. and Elliot are getting ready for the rehearsal dinner, the clock behind them says that it is 9:30. However, it's light outside the window meaning it can't be 9:30PM, and they've already put in a full day of work so it isn't 9:30AM. The clock obviously wasn't changed to coincide with the action of the scene.

    • Carla called Turk "Christopher", even the fact that he said in "His Story II", that she only call him that way if she's mad and/or if they're having sex.

    • Jordan is 5 years younger than Dr. Cox.

    • Carla and Dr. Cox are having a conversation in the patients' room about his and Jordan's problem with no-longer arguing. Watch as Carla stands and walks to the door. She makes it all the way to the door but when the camera switches she is back by her chair!

  • Quotes

    • (Marco arrives to the hospital in the back of a truck along with a sheep)
      Turk: Marco! The invite says no dates, man! NO dates!

    • Turk: Anyway, uh... I may not ever be able to tell you how much you mean to me, but I promise I will try to show you... for the rest of my life. I love you.
      Carla: I love you.
      Elliot: Aren't they amazing?
      J.D.: I don't love you.
      Elliot: What?
      J.D.: Please don't cry.
      Elliot: Oh, I won't.
      She angrily shoves him and throws him over the table
      J.D.: Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1!
      Elliot: Oh, could I get a little more wine, please?

    • Jordan: Why didn't you tell me you felt that way, you dumbass?
      Dr. Cox: Because you're so much like your mother, you wouldn'ta listened anyway.
      Jordan slaps him then kisses him
      Dr. Cox: No biting.
      Jordan: Just take it, you girl.

    • Turk: You're making a big mistake.
      J.D.: Come on, man. Elliot and I are like best friends. We love hanging out with each other. Maybe that's love. I mean, who-who knows what love really is?
      Turk: I do. J.D., when I look at Carla, I see the future. I see kids, I see minivans, I see a beer gut - on me, of course, not her.
      J.D.: I hope so.

    • Turk: So I take it you haven't broken up with her yet.
      J.D.: Yeah, I decided to stay with her forever.
      Turk: That's great, dude. I know you think you're being nice, but I'm pretty sure Elliot doesn't want to spend her life with someone who doesn't love her.
      J.D.: Oh, you know what? If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go ahead and take relationship advice from someone whose fiancee is currently speaking to him. Ohhhh!
      Turk: Ohhhh-ho!
      J.D.: Gimme some champagne! I need a victory sip!

    • Turk: Oh, my God. My future brother-in-law is an evil genius!
      Elliot: I'm gonna go, uh, check on "Sally"! Ha!... Okay, not funny yet.

    • Jordan: What else you got?
      Dr. Cox: Well, when it's my turn to listen to the baby monitor, I just wait till you're asleep and I turn it off!
      Jordan: Perry, give it up. There's nothing you can say!
      Dr. Cox: Oh... You and your mother are basically the same person.
      Jordan: What did you say!? I'm gonna kill you!

    • Dr. Cox: Those pants make your ass look giant.
      Jordan: Stop doing this.
      Dr. Cox: I'm doing it for us. You suck at Scrabble.
      Jordan: Do I look mad?
      Dr. Cox: You got so much Botox in your expressionless face, I can't tell.

    • Turk: I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. Yeah, like you got right now! Just like that one! I love that you're the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.
      J.D.: Turk!
      Turk: Dude, I'm workin' here. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's our rehearsal dinner. I came here tonight because, when you realize you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
      Carla: Turk.
      Turk: Yeah, baby?
      Carla: That's the speech from 'When Harry Met Sally'.

    • Carla: Well, you have to do something.
      Dr. Cox: No I don't, you jackass!
      Carla: Ha ha! Sweetie, you ain't getting any here. I'm getting married tomorrow.
      Dr. Cox: Please?

    • Elliot: God, I can't remember the last time I saw you in this suit and tie.
      J.D.: How can you not remember that time we were with those-
      Elliot: Oh, God! With the two guys!
      J.D.: -the two guys, and their mom was trying to sing that song!
      Elliot: It was so funny!
      J.D.: So funny... Till they had to... put their horse down.
      Elliot: Oh, yeah...
      Elliot/J.D.: Poor Cinnamon.
      Elliot: He could run like the wind, but his tail couldn't put out that fire.

    • Turk: You know what, tell her I couldn't come up with anything, so I guess I don't love her.
      Marko: Gimme that.
      Turk: For what?
      Marko: I'm gonna write your vows for you... Ooh! A clicky top!

    • Turk: Baby, you mean so much to me. That's why you my baby. And, yeah, there were babies before you, but I promise you, baby, you will be my baby forever, baby... Stop saying "baby"!

    • Dr. Kelso: You just bought yourself four weekends on call! Damn twisty bottoms!
      Carla: You just said you didn't care. Why are you fighting?
      Dr. Cox: I can't stop!

    • J.D.'s Narration: Once you embrace a relationship and decide that you're really in, everything becomes easier. And I am in, baby!
      Elliot: So, my parents are coming to town next week.
      J.D.: We must eat with them!
      Elliot: Oh. All right.

    • Turk: Dude, I would love to help right now, but I'm in the middle of writing my vows. And all I've got so far is, "Let's give it up for the caterers! WOO! Good chicken!"
      J.D.: So now that you're gettin' married, it's all about you.
      Turk: No, now that I'm getting married tomorrow, it's about me.
      Marko: Ooh, still seems that you can take a minute for a friend.
      J.D.: I know!
      Turk: Shut up, Marko!

    • J.D.: Turk, I need your help, man. It's about Elliot.
      Marko: Why, did you sleep with her again?
      J.D.: How does everybody know about this?

    • Dr. Cox: Tell me, did ya happen to come across any pamphlets on people who only work eight days a year and then spend the other 357 whining about it?
      Jordan: What part of "I'm not fighting with you anymore" do you not get? If you want someone to fight with, you have to find someone else. Mm-hmm.
      Dr. Cox: Oh, good. Here you're wetting down the floor for the older folks.
      Janitor: Please say that you're talking to me.
      Dr. Cox: I don't see anybody else around, soap jockey.

    • J.D.'s Narration I guess the Soup Nazi was right, it is the little things that are important. Like when Elliot blows the bangs out of her face. Or how she's the only person I know who sneezes with her eyes open.
      Elliot: Atchoo. Ahem. 'Scuse me.
      J.D.'s Narration: And that's when I realized that I really liked all those things about Elliot, but I didn't love them... and I didn't love her.

    • Elliot: Catch me, stud!... You know, most guys woulda caught me. I love that you didn't!

    • Jordan: I refuse to be judged by a grown man wearing a hockey jersey. Which reminds me - Jimmy's mom called, and if you guys win the big game today, she's gonna take everybody to Chuck E. Cheese!
      Dr. Cox: Say the word and I'll go out and buy a whole new wardrobe; and to pay for it we'll just sell one of your shoes!

    • J.D.: Morning!
      Janitor: Is it? Is it really?
      J.D.: No, I was-I was kidding.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Oh, he is so the Soup Nazi! Trick him!
      J.D.: What is it again? It's like, you're out of luck in the soup department?
      Larry: NO SOUP FOR YOU!
      J.D.: Ha! Rad.

    • Larry: Look, kid, you're just confused. All you need to do is focus on the little things you love about her. Like... the way she puts out a cigarette... or how when she finishes a beer, she looks inside the can just to check if there's any left.
      J.D.: Hm?
      Danni: Sweetie, it's 5 to 9, and my Denver omelet's not gonna make itself.

    • J.D.: Look, Danni, the reason I'm here is - well, first of all I wanted to give you back your skull lighter. Secondly, you always seem to have some insight in to why I'm so messed up. I mean here I-I chase after Elliot for three years, now I don't want her!
      Danni: Well maybe it's 'cause you idealize women and no one can live up to your standards.
      J.D.: Why would I idealize women?
      Danni: What's your mom like?
      J.D.'s Mom: I love you, honey. You're the smartest, handsomest, sweetest boy in the whole world. And no matter how hard you look, you will never find a woman who'll love you as much as I do.
      Little J.D.: I know, Mommy.
      End Flashback
      J.D.: My mom is perfect.

    • Carla: Turk, when I asked you if you wanted to write your own vows, you said yes.
      Turk: Baby, I'm on top of it, all right? I promise you this weekend'll go off without a hitch!
      Carla: Oh, hey, how did it go picking up my brother at the airport this morning?
      Turk: I'm sorry, what?
      Carla: How could you forget him!? You two have enough trouble getting along as it is!
      Turk: Baby, I'm joking!

    • Carla: Have you been working on your vows?
      Turk: Define "work."
      Carla: It's the difference between special birthday sex and no sex on our wedding night.
      Turk: Yeah, I do like the special birthday sex.

    • Carla: Turk! We're getting married tomorrow!
      Turk: Yeah....
      Carla: Why aren't you excited?
      Turk: 'Cause, baby, we've been here for an hour and you've already said it like thirteen times.
      Carla: But we're getting married tomorrow!!!

    • J.D.'s Narration: I knew I needed to talk this over with someone who understood me. Someone I had recently been intimate with.
      Larry: Yeah?
      J.D.'s Narration: Okay, not him.
      Danni: J.D., this is Larry. Larry, this is J.D.
      Larry: I think I'll go put on some underwear.
      J.D.: Please, Larry!

    • Carla: Why is your mouth red?
      Dr. Cox: Duct-taped two hours in a morgue drawer; don't piss off the Janitor; end of story.
      Carla: ...'Kay... I'm ordering more pens. Do you like twisty bottoms or clicky tops?
      Dr. Cox: I can't imagine anything I care less about.
      Dr. Kelso: Damn these twisty bottoms. We need some more clicky tops.
      Dr. Cox: Not gonna happen, Bob. Here I just told Carla to order a hundred thousand twisty bottoms.
      Dr. Kelso: Nice face. But can't you just order a box of clicky tops for me?
      Dr. Cox: No, Bob. Everybody gets the same.
      Dr. Kelso: Fine. I'll just take these.

    • Carla: What's going on with you?
      Dr. Cox: Let's see, Jordan and I aren't, uh...we're not fighting anymore.
      Carla: Oh, no. How long has this been going on?
      Dr. Cox: Since the baby came along we've been fighting less and less.
      Carla: Why don't you get a hotel room? Pour some nice champagne, get in a tub, and rip each other new ones. You know, make it special.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Unfortunately for me, I wasn't in love with Elliot. But I'm a man, and even though it was gonna be tough, I knew exactly what I had to do.
      J.D.: Ready to go? I say we pick up some Chinese and hang at home tonight.
      Elliot: Awesome!
      J.D.'s Narration: I was going to stay with her for the rest of my life.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Maybe Elliot's just not the right fit for me. I mean, I'm the kinda guy who likes stupid movies.
      Elliot: Hey, let's rent "Kangaroo Jack" tonight!
      J.D.'s Narration: And I have uncontrollable hostility towards small rodents.
      Elliot: Or we could just go shoot rats at the dump!
      J.D.'s Narration: Dammit! She is perfect in theory.

    • Carla: Now, if you two can stop your petty crap for just one second, maybe we can focus on what this wedding weekend is supposed to be about.
      Marco/Turk: Love.
      Carla: No! ME!

    • Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that new agey crap. One time I saw my mom knock my father unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? I kept right on going with my birthday party.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Maybe I just don't feel I deserve someone as great as Elliot because I have low self-esteem.
      Elliot: Do you know that you have really nice hands?
      J.D.: "Nice"? Elliot, these are the hands of a god!
      Elliot: Heh!
      J.D.'s Narration: Fine, so it's not the self-esteem thing.

    • J.D.: What the hell you doing with that guy?
      Danni: I don't know. I thought it'd be cool to date a celebrity.
      J.D.: He's not a celebrity!
      J.D.'s Narration: Wait a second!
      J.D.: Are you the Soup Nazi from 'Seinfeld'?
      Larry: No.
      J.D.: Say the soup thing.
      Larry: No!
      J.D.: Dammit!

    • J.D.: I can only assume you're saying "Let me out or I'm gonna kill ya"...not gonna happen. Listen, I'm in a rare position of power here, okay? So I'm only gonna let you out if you admit that you're my mentor. I know! I know that makes you angry, but-- Uh-oh! Okay! Okay! You know, I'm fine the other way! However you wanna do--

    • Dr. Cox: Jordan, you are an unpredictable passionate person and you challenge me each and every day and honestly, that's the reason I can imagine being with you when I'm seventy and your sixty-five and your face is forty and your boobs are twenty-nine.
      Jordan: My face will never look forty.
      Dr. Cox: You're right, my bad.

    • Jordan: Oh my God that board meeting went on forever! It was so dull I had to read pamphlets just to stay awake. Good news is, don't have testicular cancer.

    • Marko: Aw come on man! That was "When Harry Met Sally" - it was a classic!
      Turk: Aww yeah dude, you know I was gonna rent that the other night but then I remembered I was a heterosexual.

    • Dr. Cox: Tell me this, how do you not scare him when you go in there? Do you wear a nanny mask or do you just slap on a name tag that says "Hi I'm your Mommy?"

  • Notes

  • Allusions