Scrubs Season 2 Episode 18

Jamie: ...Kiss me.
J.D.: I could do that.
Jamie: Mm! You went left! Very cool.
J.D.'s Narration: Thank you, Rowdy!

Jamie: Thank you so much for dinner.
J.D.: You're welcome.
Jamie: But what was the deal with tipping twenty dollars on a thirty dollar bill?
J.D.: Ah, nothing. I just-I love Chinese food... and... the Asian people!

Carla: I can't believe you, Bambi!
Turk: She is so right, man.
Elliot: What are you thinking!?
Dr. Cox: Oh, Rin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin-Tin!

J.D.: I decided to take Jamie out on a date.
Carla: Who?
Turk: You know - Tasty Coma Wife?
Elliot: No way!
Dr. Cox: Nice job, there, Hooch. I'll tell you what - you give me a little prep time, and I'll rig it so that the husband can come with ya. Honest to God, I'll have him sittin' up right next to ya, no problemo. Whatta you say?

Jamie: Hey, stranger!
Ralphie: Hot!

J.D.: Good work, buddy. Here's your twenty bucks. So you can really throw up whenever you want to?
Ralphie: Hell, yeah!
J.D.: We should probably look into that... You know, right after you blow chunks in the elevator.

Dr. Kelso: What?
Janitor: Oh, nothing, sir. I just-I thought of something funny.
Dr. Kelso: Well, maybe what you should do instead is saddle up your mop and head upstairs - someone has vomited in the second, third, and fifth floor hallways.

Dr. Kelso: Son, a hospital staff is like a melting pot! We all need to respect each other. Now, if you think that a specific ethnic group is loud or lazy or sneaky...
J.D.: Or ridiculously closed-minded and inappropriate...
Dr. Kelso: Exactly!... Just keep it to yourself, dammit!

Turk: Well, there it is - all cleaned up for you; enjoy.
Carla: Well, why don't you keep it... in case you get hungry later.
(Ralphie laughs.)
Turk: Ohh, you think that's funny, huh, Ralphie? Pay me my ten dollars!

Paul: Is that a straw in your pocket?
J.D.: No, this is just a... pen. "Pink scrubs"...

Elliot: J.D., you'd trust me on something that was important to me, right?
J.D.: 'Course.
Elliot: See? That's what I'm looking for! Huh?
Paul: Elliot! We're talking about dried meat, here! Why would you get in the middle of this?
J.D.: I don't know what I was thinking.

Dr. Cox: What is with these mothers doting on their children? My God! It's like... it's like nobody else even exists in the world anymore! But I tell you one thing - and you damn sure take it to the bank - my mother never paid that much attention to me.
J.D.: It doesn't show.

Dr. Cox: Okay, Mrs. Brady, we're gonna try to break up your kidney stone with Lithotripsy. In the meantime, we're gonna put you on Percocet for the pain.
Mrs. Brady: I can't take pain-killers - Justin's still breast-feeding.
Dr. Cox: Ohh, you like milk, do ya? Hah. Why don't you get on your bike and go down to the store and get some.

(J.D. comes out of a daydream screaming.)
Laverne: What?
J.D.: Cold chart. Brrrrr! Heh.
J.D.'s Narration: Good cover!

Jamie: So, you still haven't asked me why I called the hospital, pretended to be your sister, got your home address, and showed up in the middle of the night.
J.D.: Jamie, you've got a lot going on right now. I'm sure you're...a little confused...
Jamie: It's time for me to start my life over. And I would love to take you out to dinner, if you would be interested.
J.D.'s Narration: Holy crap!
Jamie: Jack wouldn't want my life to be over.
J.D.: Jack?
Jamie: My husband.
J.D.: Mr. Moyer!
Jamie: Call him Jack.
J.D.: I'd rather not.

(Jamie crouches next to Rowdy.)
J.D.: He likes you!
Jamie: He must smell my dead dog.

Dr. Cox: Oh, ho, ho, ho, Scooby! A married woman whose husband is still in a coma? Hoo, hoo! Can't tell you how many happy couples I know who got started just that way.
J.D.: Oh, will you relax... we just got a beer. Whatta you got there?
Dr. Cox: One hundred free booger suckers - and you'll say nothing. Oh, and Toto, please, oh please, keep hanging out with her. Because I'm really gonna enjoy watching this one bite ya right on the ass. And I good & guarantee you - she will.

Carla: Would you wear this!?
Turk: Baby! Please! Look, I've had this steam-cleaned, like, three times! Not only would I wear it, I'll put it in my mouth.
(He puts the ring in his mouth then looks terrified)
Carla: What?
Ralphie: It's fun to eat things!

Carla: Is this true!?
Turk: Ralphie, I paid you ten dollars!
Carla: This is disgusting!
Turk: Why is it disgusting?
Ralphie: Because it was in my butt!
Turk: Ralphie, I'm dead serious: I want you to shut up! And you shut your mouth, now!

Jamie tries to help set J.D. up with someone
Jamie: Hey, baby! Would you like some of this?
J.D.: All right.
Jamie: Look at that - mmm.
J.D.: No, no, Jamie. A little-
Jamie: Yeah?
J.D.: A little aggressive!

Jamie: So, how does this whole wing-man thing work?
J.D.: Okay, essentially, you have to think of yourself as chum, okay?
Jamie: Okay.
J.D.: And your job as chum is to lure attractive women closer to the boat.
J.D.'s Narration: Mental note: "The Boat" could be a very cool new nickname.

J.D.: Nice day, huh?
Janitor: You always gotta have something to say, don't ya? Old nosy nelly, always gotta throw his two cents in.
J.D.: O...kay, I'm-I'm sorry about the "nice day" thing. How can I make this right?
Janitor: What's it, uh, biscuit and gravy day?
J.D.: Yeah.
Janitor: Just give me one of them biscuits.
(J.D. tosses a biscuits and it bonks him in the face.)
J.D.: I thought you were ready.

Paul: Please don't do this.
Elliot: Do what?
Paul: The whole drama queen thing.
Elliot: The jerky incident is exactly what is wrong with our relationship, Paul!
Paul: Thank you.

Dr. Cox: Seriously, Jordan, I had this one patient-
Jordan: He's got a boodgie the size of a grape in his nose. Would you run back to the hospital and get me one of those suctiony thingies?
Dr. Cox: If I'm not back in twenty minutes, I don't want you to worry because it simply means I drove by a prostitute on the way home.
Jordan: Oh, make sure it's a girl.

Dr. Cox: Oh, my God. I gotta tell you about that day.
Jordan: I can't believe I haven't named him yet. I've been calling him Monkey Face all day - I think they would tease him at school.

Turk: Sorry, buddy, can't swing it tonight.
J.D.: Oh, come on, player, just a few beers! And if we accidentally run into some skanky hos, then so be it!
Jamie: I'll go. I totally need to blow off some steam. Plus, the best way to meet skanky hos is to already have a girl with you.
J.D.: Not that I need any help.

J.D.'s Narration: Okay, the problem is that I'm in a rut. I just need someone to go out and get a beer with me.
Elliot: I can't tonight!
Ted: If I have more than one beer, I'll most likely kill myself.
(Dr. Cox does a spit take with his coffee and erupts in laughter.)
Carla: Can't. You seen Turk?
Dr. Kelso: Married!

J.D.'s Narration: Luckily, I'm a competent enough doctor that I'm not gonna let myself get distracted thinking about Jamie.
Patient: Can you really hear my heart if it-if it isn't in your ears?
Indeed, the ear piece is still just hanging around J.D.'s neck.
J.D.: Did you go to med school?
Patient: No, I... I-I-No, I mean...
J.D.: No, you didn't. Thank you.

Paul: What are you eating?
Elliot: Turkey jerky. Protein, baby! Go for it.
Paul: Uh, no thanks.
Elliot: You don't like jerky?
Paul: I've never tried jerky.
Turk: You've never tried jerky?
Elliot: Well, jerky rocks.
Paul: I won't like it.
Elliot: You'll love it - have one bite.
Paul: Elliot, I've put a lot of thought into this, and I'm gonna have to pass.
Elliot: Uh! Oh, so, eight stitches, and now you don't trust me.
Paul: Elliot!
Elliot: And you wanted above-the-covers sex!

Elliot: Ohhhh...
Turk: Elliot! A blindfold! Way to step it up, Miss Nasty!
Elliot: Hm. You told him what happened.
Paul: We were bonding.

Ralphie: I had that inside of me.
Laverne: What, now?
Carla: He's just making stuff up. Come on.
Ralphie: I swallowed that ring, and my dad had to wait for me to go Number Two. And the black doctor gave me ten bucks to keep my mouth shut.
Laverne: Mm. Good show today.

Dr. Cox: Hey, Carla, would you be good enough to take this young gentleman back to his room in Pediatrics? Apparently as a form of social protest, he chewed on and subsequently swallowed part of a Rolling Stones CD. I'll tell you what, there, Ralphie: They sold out for good once they started doing Ford commercials, you know what I'm saying?
Ralphie: Hm?
Carla: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: We-we'll talk later.

J.D.: You know...he's-he's the same. How are you doing?
Jamie: Actually, I was just calculating how much time I need to spend here so I don't feel guilty all week... And now I need to double it, because I can't believe I just said that.

Turk: Dude! T.C.W.'s back.
J.D.'s Narration: T.C.W. is a horrible story. She was married for three weeks before her husband got in a car accident and became a total vegetable. He's been on life support for the last two years; and since he was transferred to our hospital a month ago, she's visited every Wednesday. Very, very sad. Oh, yeah, and she's a babe! We call her "Tasty Coma Wife" - or "T.C.W." for short.

J.D.'s Narration: Honestly, it all makes me glad I'm on my own. I really don't think I'd have it any other...
J.D.: Hello, ladies. Just window shopping, or would you like to try something on?
Nurse: Uh, aren't you the guy that makes out with dogs?
J.D.: Carla... a quick word?

Elliot: Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.
Paul: You know, Elliot, I would be happy just to have sex _above_ the covers once.
Elliot: Yeah... never gonna happen.

(J.D. runs kissing drills with Rowdy)
J.D.: How's that?
Turk: You close your eyes way too early. And you always go in right; you should try going in left - the girls'll dig that.
J.D.: Okay. Fo'shizzle. What's up, girl.
Carla: Aw, there's nothing in life that dog could have done to deserve that.
Turk: What you talking about? My man's single, he's just running drills to keep his stuff sharp. That's all.
Carla: Ohhh.
J.D.: Also, it would be super fantastic if you never mention this to anyone, ever.
Turk: Are you crazy? You know she's gonna say something. We're talking about Carla, here!
Carla: So now I'm a gossip?
Turk: Yeah, you're a gossip! You gossip all the time!
Carla: Since when?
Turk: Since ever-forever!

J.D.: Shut up! shut up! shut up! shut up and shut up! Okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do, is just bitch about your relationships, all day long! (To Dr. Cox) And you know what? Glare all you want big dog, okay? 'Cause I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby!' That must be so hard for Doctor 'look at me!' isn't it? 'Look at me!' (To Carla and Turk) And you two, what you're arguing since you got engaged, wow you must be the first couple that's ever done that ever. It can't be that you're just scared. Is it? (To Elliot) And you, you know what? Let's just- let's just forget for one second that a month ago, you told me that you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys, is while I'm sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are! UGHH!!
Laverne: Did I miss something good?

Jamie: Did you like her?
J.D.: No, no, no, her ass was way too perfect.

Jamie: So, "Tasty Coma Wife," huh?
J.D.: Oh, yeah, I'm sorry; I've heard some idiots call you that.
Jamie: I kinda like it.
J.D.: I thought it up.

Turk: [To Carla] Baby, you've always known about my sleep touts, Hell, you used to imitate the sound they make, remember? `Pffhuee...`
Laverne: I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
Turk: Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it. Okay? So just ehm shehm ehm!

Dr. Cox: Word to the wise there, Astro. Sarcasm does not sit well with the big dog, so consider this a warning, because the next time I hear you mumble some snarky little, passive-aggressive snide, I'm going to look into your heart, pick out your biggest insecurity, and shine the world's largest spotlight on it for the remainder of your natural-born days. Now riddle me this Fido, just exactly why does every Asian person that's passing us by in the hallway here keep giving you the old stink eye?
J.D.: Ohh, you're imagining things.

Janitor: Five letters. Showing vulnerability, a blank in one's armor.
J.D.: Chink.
Janitor: What?
J.D.: Chink! (Asian doctor behind Janitor) Oh no no no Franklyn we, umm, we were doing a crossword puzzle and...
Franklyn: I've always suspected.
Janitor: We all did.
J.D.: Franklyn, no!

Dr. Kelso: How we doing today?
J.D.: We're excellent sir. No one going to hell in here.
Dr. Kelso: Super.

Dr. Cox: In response to the beastiality rumor circulating about you, I've decided to forego calling you by the usual girl's name and instead I'm going to be referring to you by whatever famous dog I can think of. I've gone with Lassie because of course that satisfies the critera of being both a girl and a dog's name, thus helping you ease into the transition.
J.D.: I was just running kissing drills.
Dr. Cox: That's completely normal then.

Dr. Kelso: Ted, have you noticed how happy the minions are lately?
Ted: I wish I was dead.
Dr. Kelso: Yep. People love working here.