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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. Grace Miller
"Rock Your Body (Mic Check 1, 2)" by Stagga Lee
"I'm With You" by Avril Lavigne
"Here Comes the Hammer" by MC Hammer (sung by Turk)
Although we hear much about Dr. Kelso's wife Enid (nicknamed Bunny), she is seen only once, from behind and in a flashback, in this episode. His son, who (as of Season 3) resides in the Portland Subway System and is strongly implied to have homosexual tendencies, remains an unseen character.
Dr. Cox: You know, honey, I'm-I'm here now, if you-if you want your friends to leave.
Jordan: We're getting chemical peels tomorrow.
Dr. Cox: Oh. Okay.
Todd: Gotta grab those.
Dr. Kelso: No!
Dr. Kelso: Remember, we look... but we don't touch.
Jordan: Oh, would you turn off the lights? The baby doesn't know I'm here. Doesn't matter. Likes the nanny better than me anyway.
Dr. Cox: My point is that in this tight-ass PC culture, it is damn hard to know what's kosher!
Carla: Well, then you should try stepping into our shoes! Even the strongest women walk around with this thick coat of armor all day long, because God forbid we should show the slightest sign of weakness. So just squeeze those smelly, oversized feet into the shoes of someone you really care about; and trust me, in a heartbeat you will know the right thing to do.
Elliot: I love her! Turk, do you know what I would give to have a female attending like her pushing me not to let the fact that I'm a woman hold me back? I mean... you have no idea how hard it is.
Turk: I have no idea?
Elliot: Look, I'm not gonna fight about whether in medicine it's harder being black or a woman.
A black female doctor passes them.
Turk: Much prop, Dr. Rhodes.
Turk: Go get 'em.
Elliot: I hate to quote my mother, but Dr. Miller is so uptight she could use a pitcher of martinis and an afternoon on top of a smooth-chested pool-boy.
Dr. Cox: Fine. You want some straight shootin'? I'm glad that you're dealing with Ben's death so well. The fact is I'm strugglin'. And having those two harpies nesting in our home is not helping. For the life of me, Jordan, I cannot figure out why they're still here. It is beyond me!
J.D.: You okay?
Jordan: Why don't you grow a pair, Sally!
J.D.: Oh, oka-that's going in the box. Girl's names are out. That's why we have a box.
Dr. Cox: Spill.
J.D.: Dr. Cox had nothing to do with me going to see your scary friends. I did it all on my own.
Jordan: I love how adult our relationship is!
Dr. Cox is chasing J.D. around the hospital
J.D.'s Narration: Yes! He fell! I'm gonna get away!... You know who I haven't seen today?
The Janitor pokes his head out a doorway clotheslines J.D.
J.D.: Ook! Waaagh!
Janitor: You lookin' for that?
Dr. Cox: Like you read about.
Dr. Miller: Dr. Reid! I've seen you strutting around this place with your can-do attitude, and I know that you think because you're a female doctor, you're part of the solution. But you're not. Everything about you screams, "What does the cutie in Radiology think about me?" And yes, your friend Dr. Turk, he may ask you relationship advice or where to get his unfortunate girlfriend some naughty lingerie - because we both know that when it comes to gifts, women all crave a nice leather push-up bra with tassels that go around and around and around like this - but still, I ask you, is that respect?... Uh, don't answer. I don't care!
Elliot: Look, Dr. Turk is a really good friend of mine, and he is not a sexist. And I know sexist. I mean, when my dad's not asking the maid for a neck-rub, he's telling me if I'm going to get emotional, I should do it in a closet because no one likes to see a hysterical woman.
Dr. Miller: There's a closet right there!
Elliot: I know, it's one of my favorites...
Elliot: Dr. Miller, hi! You, uh, look very nice today.
Dr. Miller: Thanks! My patient just died, but if I'm looking good, I'm psyched!
Elliot: No, no. It's just that you work in a very tough specialty, and you manage to maintain your femininity and I find that very... um... sexy.
Dr. Miller: Are you asking me out on a date?
Elliot: Please! We just met!... Not that it would make a difference if we hadn't...
Dr. Cox: Well done, there, Bobbo. When my patients ask me where I was all afternoon, I'll just tell them I was too busy attending this ridiculous chat-fest with you and Dr. What's-He-Over-Compensating-For? here.
Carla: Did I say any of you boys could talk? No, I did not. Now, this part is especially important, so I need everyone's full attention.
J.D. passes the window.
Dr. Cox: You come here, you rat-bastard!
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest, giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
Dr. Cox: Huh!
J.D.: Now, if you don't want my help, then fine, I'll back off... But only because I feel a little bit guilty.
Dr. Cox: About what?
Ted: Dr. Cox, you received four complaints about calling male residents by girl's names.
Dr. Cox: Oh-ho. JUDY!
Dr. Cox: May I ask you something, there, Judy? Do you have any idea what it's like to have three angry, under-fed women tear you several new ones for a full hour?
J.D.: Actually, yes. I caught the matinee of that show; definitely not for the whole family.
Dr. Miller: Dr. Turk? I asked you to apologize.
Turk: I have nothing to apologize for.
Dr. Miller: Then get out of my O.R... Awww... Are you gonna cry like a little boy? See how I flipped it?
Carla: Thirty four, thirty five, thirty six... Todd, you have thirty seven complaints of sexual harassment!
J.D.: I think we should all be happy with the bras God gave us! I really should go.
Maddie: Oh, it's all right. We were going to go to the gym, but I could just as easily throw up instead.
Maddie: Of course, we will leave, but before we go, Allie could really use a man's opinion.
Allison: Does this bra make my boobs look real?
J.D.: Ohh, yes.
Allison: Damn. Let's switch.
Turk: Agility exercises?
Todd: No. I'm air-fondling Dr. Miller's boobies. Who's with me?
Todd: She just talked to me like I'm an idiot.
Turk: Hot chick, 12 o'clock.
Todd's eyes fly up to the ceiling.
Turk: I know.
Todd: Hot Doc, 3 o'clock!... I mean 5 o'clock!... Over there!
Maddie: Where can one get a nice gin and tonic?
J.D.: You know, down the street on the right, they'll make an appletini that'll knock your socks off.
Maddie: Right! Let's go and get drunk before pilates!
Allison: Hey, I've been sharing a guest room with razor-knees, here, for the last two weeks. Do you have a queen bed?
J.D.: Well, it would be "queen" if I took my "cwothes" off it.
Maddie: Ooh, he's quick. What's he like in the sack?
Jordan: Okay, why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting.
Dr. Cox: Love to. Newbie? I've got a job for you.
Jordan: No, no. No pawning them off on Radar. They want the big-boy tour.
Jordan: Aren't you a little dolled up for the movies?
Allison: If little miss co-dependent here doesn't get "shagged" every two days, she gets the shakes.
Maddie: It's true. Look.
Dr. Cox: 'Course, that could be 'cause you're sober for a change.
Jordan: Sweetie, are you gonna lie around on the couch all day again today?
Dr. Cox: What am I supposed to do?
Jordan: You know what might be fun? Cleaning yourself.
Dr. Cox: I'd wash up, but I'm afraid to go in our bathroom.
J.D.'s Narration: Jordan's best friends came to town for the funeral, and unfortunately for Dr. Cox, they still haven't left.
Maddie: Since Perry won't stop using the loo without lifting the seat, I've started to use his sink.
Female Patient: You Know, Doctor, I'm getting a little tired of the sexual innuendo.
Todd: In your end-o.
Carla: Nooooooo, Todd. The term "melons" is just as bad as "sweater meat."
Todd: Well then I am thoroughly confused!
Turk: Elliot, this woman doesn't like me. It could keep me from becoming the youngest chief of surgery in history, which could keep me from curing paralysis, which could keep me from having my birthday be a national holiday! And everyone knows I hate to work on my birthday!
Turk: Dr. Miller accused me of being sexist. Me! I'm marrying Carla - who do you think wears the pants? And the shirts...and the shoes...and sometimes my underwear.
Turk: I said nothing.
Laverne: Mr. Roberts likes to wear my brassieres.
Dr. Kelso: See! It's working! Well, good luck with the seminar.
Carla: Oh! Dr. Kelso, you have five.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, I know! I put those in myself to prove a point. If you'll notice, all the "Kelso"s are written with a lower-case "k".
Carla: No, they're not.
Dr. Kelso: Well, it was worth a shot.
Turk: Why don't you lay off Dr. Miller? And don't say "I'd like to lay on Dr. Miller."
Todd: High-five later for reading my mind!
Turk: You know, I don't think you're stupid, Todd... Even though you're washing your hands with your gloves already on.
J.D.: I wrote Dear Abby once in seventh grade 'cause I didn't have body hair like the other guys? By the time her response came out in Parade magazine, it was like a forest down there. Well, you know, "nothing ventured..."
Dr. Cox: Looking for streamers and a marching band, because this will be the ceremonial one-millionth time I've had to shake off something that you've said. Ahh. Yes, Newbie, I'm having a tough day. And of course I'd love to head home, but Jordan's satanic brood has taken over my apartment and no man in his right mind would dare enter that place.
J.D.'s Narration: Hmm, I should probably go to his place...
Dr. Kelso: Nurse Espinosa, it's been brought to my attention that there's been some inappropriate behavior lately.
Carla: I know. I brought it to your attention.
Dr. Kelso: Anyway, it occurred to me that we can't allow this to continue.
Ted: It occurred to you because I researched case studies detailing the hospital's liability instead of going to single's night at the Korean church by my house!
Dr. Kelso: Ted's sad life aside, I have decided that you are going to run a sexual harassment seminar.
Turk: Todd, let's get off on the right foot.
Dr. Miller: Hey! It might just be 'cause my expectations are low, but you guys did not suck in surgery yesterday.
Todd: Well, as long as your expectations are low, maybe we should have sex!
Dr. Miller: I'm concerned about you. I think you hold us women responsible for the fact that your mommy didn't pay attention to you, and if you don't get help, you'll eventually start picking up prostitutes and killing them.
Elliot: I've always wanted to say that to him!
Dr. Miller: I'm Dr. Miller. A few quick things: Don't talk while I'm talking, never utter the phrase "It's Miller time", and I don't like the smell of cologne in my operating room. Now, I'd like to take a minute to listen to any questions or comments that any of you might have, and then after this minute I never want to hear from any of you ever, ever, ever again. Anyone?
Turk: Uh...I'm allergic to shellfish...?
Dr. Miller: Any other allergies? No? Great! You, and unibrow, go scrub up.
Camera reveals Todd, sporting a unibrow.
Todd: My waxer's in the Bahamas.
Turk: Get a new one!
Ted: Ladies, this hospital's policy on sexual harassment is well-established. Plus-
Dr. Kelso: I'll handle this. I think what Garfunkle here is trying to say is that you should all take a second, think seriously about what's really bothering you, and then have a big group unbunching of your panties.
Carla: Dr. Kelso, the sexual harassment around here has gotten out of control. Yesterday somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking! That's rude!... And it makes no sense.
Laverne: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Carla: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Laverne: Other way around, sugar!
J.D.: May I please be excused?
Dr. Cox: You move - you die.
Dr. Cox: Okay, here's the tour. This is where the patients enter, upstairs is where they go to die, and down in the basement is where we slide their cold dead bodies into the wall - oh and there's the gift shop.
J.D.: Seriously, how are you?
Dr. Cox: Oh, my god. Look, Abby, I didn't write to you asking for help, so if you continue on down this road, you're going to end up eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind. Signed, dealing-with-it-on-his-own, in Kansas.
J.D.: Are you gonna talk ever?
Dr. Cox: Lemme go and key this up for you Attica. We are all going to die someday. For the lucky few of us it will be nice and fast but for most of us it will be just as long and slow and painful as a conversation with you.
J.D.: That's a beautiful sentiment.
Dr. Cox: Then for the last time, don't stick any part of your hairless body into my business. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it - because even if you went on a cruise to the most remote regions of the ocean and rescued my drowning, salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death I would still be upset that the first face I saw was yours.
Todd wears a shirt reading "I 'heart' vagina"
Dr. Kelso: (Referring to Ted) I think what Garfunkel here is trying to say is that you should all take a second...
Dr. Kelso is referencing Art Garfunkel, who is an American singer and songwriter best known for his singing tandem with Paul Simon. Dr. Kelso, in all likelihood, compares Ted to Garfunkel because both of them have similar hairstyles.
Dr. Miller: (To Turk) There's no music in my O.R., Hammer.
Dr. Miller is referencing (MC) Hammer, an American rapper who was popular in the 1980s and 1990s. She is likely comparing Turk to (MC) Hammer due to the type of music Turk is playing and because of the fact that Turk is black.
Todd: (As a youngster in a flashback) Dad! I'm listening to "Annie"!
"Annie" is a popular musical based on the comic strip "Little Orphan Annie". "Annie" has also found a lot of success on Broadway as a play.
Dr. Cox: (To J.D.) Let me go ahead and tee this up for you, there, Annika: We are all going to die someday.
Dr. Cox's use of the name "Annika" and the phrase "tee this up" means that he is obviously referring to Annika Sorenstam.
Annika Sorenstam is one of the most successful professional female golfers of all time. As of 2007, she has won 69 professional tournaments and earned over $20 million.
Upon introducing herself, Dr. Miller tells the surgeons that she does not like being called "Miller Time".
"Miller Time" is the slogan used by Miller beer. The slogan can be seen and heard on TV commercials frequently.
Paris and Nikki Hilton:
Nurse Roberts: Paris and Nikki were not amused.
Carla: You named your breasts after the Hilton sisters?
Paris and Nikki Hilton are celebrity sisters who constantly find themselves in the spotlight. Paris is an actress and fashion model, while Nikki is a fashion model and a fashion designer.
These Boots Are Made for Walking:
Carla: Yesterday, somebody asked Laverne if her boobs were made for walking! It's rude! And it makes no sense.
This is a play on the song title "These Boots Are Made for Walking", a song sung originally by Nancy Sinatra in 1966.
Dr. Cox: (To J.D.) Oh, my God. Look, Abby, I didn't write to you asking for help.
Dr. Cox, in his referring to J.D. as a girl's name, likens him to "Dear Abby", which is a syndicated advice column that appears daily in newspapers all over the country.
The Seven Year Itch:
When J.D. fantasizes about what the surgeons think of Dr. Miller, J.D. pictures Dr. Miller with a Marilyn Monroe styled haircut and a long, white dress. That dress is then blown upwards by an air gust.
The same thing happened to Marilyn Monroe in "The Seven Year Itch"; this was obviously referenced in this Scrubs episode.
Jordan: "Why don't you show the girls around while I'm in my board meeting?"
Cox: "Love to. Newbie, I've got a job for you."
Jordan: "No, no. No pawning him off on Radar. They want the big boy tour."
Referring to JD as Radar alludes to JD being more boy-ish than Dr. Cox - similar to Radar in M*A*S*H being more boy-ish than Colonel Blake or Potter.
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