Scrubs

Turk: How come you don't ever give me any of the good surgeries? I could do a bypass like... (imitates slicing a patient) Done! Dr. Cox: Now, Gumball, that's hardly the point. The older surgical attendings around here are warriors. Hell, if I screw with Mickhead, he'll send me every bowel obstruction he gets. You, on the other hand, you're just not formidable enough to have ever earned my respect. I don't even know why I'm speaking with you. In fact, I'm going to stop talking right in the middle of whatever I'm...

Dr. Cox: I've convinced young Lloyd in there that the arm pain that he thought was a heart attack is actually just what, Lloyd? Lloyd: Arm pain, Perry.

Turk: Did I get drunk last night and send you an e-mail asking for your opinion about what I did? Dr. Cox: I don't know. I didn't check.

J.D.: Why don't people dance the bus driver anymore? Turk: Oh because it's not a real dance. J.D.: For us honkies it's a very important dance. (Does the bus driver) Driving, driving, inside the bus.

(J.D. puts a picture of Isabella in his pocket then Turk takes it out) J.D.: I lost mine.

(Elliot and Melody stare at J.D.) J.D.: You know I should probably go. It's late. (J.D. leaves as they continue to stare then he returns) J.D.: Forgot to pay my check. Credit card for you. Bartender: Thanks. (Music stops) J.D.: It's quiet in here. I think the music went off again. (To other people in the bar) Someone want to tap that jukebox for me? (People look at him) J.D.: No? Okay. (To Elliot and Melody) Wow you guys can stare an awfully long time without letting your eyes blink. That's amazing. That's...I try to do that and I...can never really uh, do it when I've tried. Bartender: Sorry, the machine's busted. J.D.: Unfortunate. Ok, thank you Frank, I will pay cash. (Pulls out a bill) Ben Franklyn here should take care of things. A one hundred dollar bill. Bartender: I don't got change for that. J.D.: He doesn't got change. That's how he says that. Okay um, surely one of my lady friends can... (Elliot and Melody are still staring) J.D.: No. Alright, you know what? I'm going to pay one hundred dollars for that appletini. I like you. You're a good bar man. You never tease me when I order the tinis. Bartender: I drink them myself. J.D.: Good...night. (J.D. leaves again then comes back) J.D.: I can't spend a hundred dollars on an appletini, it's absurd. That's like ten tinis with a tip. No, there must be something else I could buy. How much is that weird mounted fox tail? Bartender: Actually that's a beard. J.D.: Probably keep that, that's probably a family heirloom. You know what, Frank? I'm gonna do it. One hundred dollars for one appletini which was frankly light on the tini. Alright. Goodnight. (J.D. pays, leaves again then comes back with another bill) J.D.: I found a fiver in my pocket. Melody: No! J.D.: Okay, keep that too. (J.D. leaves)

Melody: (About J.D.'s Appletini) Nice drink, does it come in hetero? J.D.: It does, but I didn't like it.

(Devon spills drink) Devon: Oh no! Oh no! Carla: It's okay, it's okay. Devon: But now the ghost who hates spills is gonna come. Carla: Who? Janitor: You're right, Devon. He might come. This very night and as you know, the ghost's entire family was killed by a careless spill. Just like yours. (Pauses) Just like yours.

Elliot: Anyway, I know it's hard to believe, but when I first got to college I was a bit of a... J.D.: Dork? Carla: Geek? Dr. Kelso: Good times Sally who gave it away for free? Melody: I was the tramp, you old bitch! Dr. Kelso: Liking her.

Dr. Kelso: Doctor. Dr. Beardface: Doctor. Dr. Kelso: (To J.D.) I call next on macaroni. Elliot: He plays? J.D.: Dr. Kelso, would you mind using your gum to show Elliot your mad roni skills? (Dr. Kelso flicks his gum and hits J.D.'s notepad) J.D.: Man, he's good!

Carla: Okay, this ends now. Janitor: Do you know how messy kids can be, and how clean this place has been ever since... the ghost? Besides, I'm only picking on the tonsil cases, the spoiled ones who get ice cream for every meal. You know what I had to eat, when I had my tonsils out? Carla: What? Janitor: Hot coffee and granola bars. Hot and scratchy. Hot and scratchy! Carla: Are you insane? Janitor: I'm a little bit tired. I was up all night learning to roller blade. I want the ghost to be a little bit more glidey.

Carla: Why does this bedsheet have two holes in it? Janitor: That's on me. Sometimes at night I haunt pediatrics.

Lloyd: I have chest tinglies. Dr. Cox: Lloyd, you're 40 years old, you're a delivery man, so you should be suffering from a pretty severe case of the where-did-I-go-wrongsies. But other than that, you're fine. I ran every test. There's nothing wrong with you. Lloyd: (Points to his arm) But the pain starts here, and then it goes along...and then skips this area, and then starts hurting again here. And then of course, there's the tinglies. Dr. Cox: I'm gonna head out now, Lloyd.

Keith: C'mon, Elliot, let me just borrow it for the weekend. I promise I'll bring it back. Elliot: No, I need it. Now go. (To J.D.) Whenever he goes away, he always wants to take my tushie. J.D.: Why doesn't he just do what I did when we were dating? Wait until you fall asleep naked and take a picture of it. Elliot: Did you actually do that? J.D.: No! J.D's narration: It's my screensaver!