Season 4 Episode 11

My Unicorn

Aired Tuesday 9:30 PM Nov 23, 2004 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • It's mentioned that J.D. is 29 years old.

    • When the Janitor is giving a can of orange soda to Elliot's interviewer, if you look carefully at the top of the can you can see that it is a Sunkist can with a fake label wrapped around it.

    • When J.D finds Murray in field, he is standing by his scooter which is on the road; but as Murray flies the plane towards J.D, he is suddenly in the middle of the field right near Murray. The scooter is no where to be seen.

    • Alhough his character is consistently referred to as "Gregory", the character played by John Bennet Perry is credited as "Harrison" at the end of the episode.

    • Featured Music:
      "Learn To Fly" by Foo Fighters
      "Hey Good Lookin'" by Hank Williams (performed by John Bennett Perry)
      "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chapin (performed by John Bennett Perry)

    • Not only do Matthew Perry (who plays Murray Marks) and John Bennett Perry (who plays Gregory Marks) star as father and son, but Matthew's cousin Anthony Perry also guest stars as old Murray.

  • Quotes

    • Murray: I don't know if I can go through with this. I wish there was something to help me get through the door.
      Dr. Cox: Hey, jerk-hole.
      J.D./Murray: Yeah?
      Dr. Cox: No, new jerk-hole!

    • Janitor: Hey, buddy. I need you to reconsider Blonde Doctor. And I'm gonna tell you why. See, I'm the future Mr. Blonde Doctor? And I kinda need this to happen so that I can, uh - hey, over here - I need this to happen so that I can just hang out around the house and, you know, bake bread or... gab across the fence with neighbor Marge. Nice lady. Polish, I think. Doesn't matter, I'm not prejudice.
      Interviewer: What the hell are you talking about?
      Janitor: Here's the thing: I need you to take this can of orange soda, turn, smile, and give Blonde Doctor a big thumb's up! Or, I'm gonna take the same orange soda, follow you down to the parking lot, and smash your head in with it.

    • Turk: Ladies. I think we've learned our lesson.
      Jordan: That is not helpful, Turkleton!
      Turk: I was covered in bees!

    • Carla: Elliot, wait! Elliot, you did your flirty manipulation thing in front of that guy in there, and now, well, he kinda thinks you're this despicable floozy ho excuse for a doctor!

    • Dr. Cox: You do know he's not yours, don'cha.
      Mr. Marks: I figured it out. Mostly because his mother was eight months pregnant when I met her. But there were other signs.
      Dr. Cox: 'Course.

    • J.D.: Sometimes Dr. Cox is all over me, like every second of my life.
      Murray: Why do you keep talking about your boss like he's your father?
      J.D.: Remember? Recently deceased dad?
      Murray: Massive heart attack!
      J.D.: Yes! I mean, yes.

    • Dr. Cox: Boy, tell me about it. You know, I got this kid who constantly ignores my advice, and then flashes me the sad doe eyes every time I call him a girl's name or scream in his face.
      Mr. Marks: Do you wanna sing about him?
      Dr. Cox: No. Not ever.

    • Mr. Marks: Ah, so maybe I wasn't the perfect dad. I mean, there were the occasional missed baseball games... And the taking of his college sweetheart to the Bahamas for two weeks without telling him... But I still don't see why he resents me this much.

    • J.D.: Can I talk to you for a second?
      Speaker: Tower, are you there? I lost an engine!
      J.D.: I'm not falling for that crap again!
      Murray: This is real! Mickey's not here.
      Speaker: Oh, God! I lost another engine!
      Murray: Calm down, Frank. You left your engines in the storage shed.
      Speaker: Oh, there they are! Thanks, Murray.
      Murray: It's what I do.

    • Emcee: On behalf of the honey festival, I would like to thank our two volunteers: Our taster, Elliot... And of course, Christopher, the human honeycomb.
      Turk: I thought you meant the cereal! Ow. Ow!

    • Carla: Okay! I put interview guy in the lounge and told him that Elliot was with a patient. Now. How we gonna fix this thing?
      Janitor: You're okay. The guy wanted an orange soda, right? We bring him an orange soda, maybe the whole thing goes away.
      Carla: Okay, here's the plan: Jordan and I will take care of interview guy. Soft-Scrub, you can do whatever the hell you want.
      Janitor: I will.

    • Elliot: Oh, I'll just be a sec. Dave, can I get an orange soda? I'm so hot and thirsty.
      Dave: It's on me.
      Guy: I'd like an orange soda too.
      Dave: Oh, I'm sorry, that was the last one. How sad.

    • Turk: You have created a monster. Elliot did a little tongue dance in Franklyn's ear just to get him to do her labs before mine.
      Carla: So she used her femininity! The only reason you usually get your lab-work back so fast is because you always pick Franklyn to play basketball, even though he always shoots his foul shots granny-style.

    • J.D.: Look, Murray, it doesn't matter that your father's handsome and charismatic and sings like a young Joan Baez.

    • Murray: I can't believe you got cake! The guy said they didn't have any.
      J.D.: Just do what I told you to do.
      Murray stretches, pushing his chest out.
      Glen: Sweets for the sweet.
      Murray: Thank you... Glen.

    • Elliot: Okay, so I tried to get some x-rays back from the lab tech by making a kissy face, and he asked me if I had palsy!
      Jordan: Elliot, if you want to get ahead, you have to use what God gave ya!
      Carla: Or in your case, what Dr. Fineberg gave you.
      Jordan: Exactly!

    • Murray: Whenever I'm around the guy I'm invisible.
      J.D.: Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
      Mr. Marks: Heeeey, good lookin'! Whaaaa'cha got cookin'? How's about cookin' something up with me!
      Murray: See what I mean?
      J.D.: Shhh! I love this song.

    • J.D.: All right, we-what's the problem with your dad?
      Murray: Well, for starters, he named me "Murray." That's an old man's name!
      J.D.: Oh, come on, no it isn't!
      Murray: MURRAY!
      Several old guys stick their heads out of their rooms and go, "Whaaat?"
      Murray: Everything my father's ever done was designed to humiliate me.
      J.D.: Murray!
      Old guys: Whaaaaaat?
      Murray: What?
      J.D.: No, the youngest Murray!
      Old Murray: I'm sixty-eight!
      Murray: Thirty-four!

    • Elliot: Franklyn. I was wondering if you could put a rush on Mr. Lowenstein's urinalysis? Because I've got a really important interview for a fellowship next year.
      Franklyn: No. We're done talking now.
      Carla: Elliot. We can help.
      Turk: No! No. You will not turn Elliot into some flirtatious manipulator. I mean, don't get me wrong, outside the hospital, Elliot with her hair up is a slammin' hottie. But in here she's an asexual mess. And that's the natural order of things. And you don't mess with the natural order!
      Carla: Elliot, don't listen to him, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

    • J.D.: Dr. Cox...? You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I f-
      Murray: That's meeee!... Too early?
      J.D.: We rehearsed this!
      Murray: We were on your scooter.

    • Murray: I'm not quite sure I'm getting this.
      J.D.: Ugh! What's not to get? Look, Dr. Cox told me not to get involved, I defied him, and now, with your help, I'm gonna rub it in his face, okay? Now for the last time, the song goes like this: "You were wrong! I found his son, I found his son, I found his son!" And then you jump out and go, "That's me!"
      Murray: Yeah, but-okay, but wouldn't it be funnier if I came on the second "I found his son," just to get to it?
      J.D.: Yeah, that would be a whole lot funnier. But I have a question: Who's gonna be singing the "I found his son" song? Because it certainly won't be me! Okay?

    • J.D.: Excuse me, are you Murray Marks?
      Murray: I'm busy.
      J.D.: You don't look busy.
      Speaker: Tower, this is flight 117. We've lost an engine.
      Murray: Yeah, you're right. I'm not busy.
      J.D.: You can take that.
      Murray: No, no, no. Let's talk.
      Speaker: Oh, God! We've lost the other engine!
      J.D.: Take it! TAKE IT!
      Murray: Okay. Pull up, 117. Pull up... Hello?... Hello? We lost 'em. So what was your thing?
      J.D.: Shouldn't you call the fire department or something!?!
      Murray: Nah, nah. That was just Mickey fooling around.

    • Dr. Cox: Yeah, yeah. Look, Claudia: Just promise me you won't get too involved with your patient. Okay?
      J.D.'s Narration: After getting more involved, I found out Mr. Marks's son was an air-traffic controller at a small private airport.

    • J.D.: Anyway, know Mr. Marks? He said he doesn't have any family to be a kidney donor? But he's got a son! We gotta find this guy!
      Dr. Cox: Look, Newbie, there are times a man wants to keep something to himself. Like, say, he's got a son. Or he's 29-years-old and keeps a journal with a unicorn drawn on the cover?
      J.D.: Ah, that's a horse with a sword on his head, and he's there to guard my hopes and dreams.

    • Jordan: Don't judge me, stick. You do what you have to do to level the playing field.
      Elliot: Well, Carla and I would never behave that way.
      Carla: Thank you.
      Elliot: How'd you get chocolate cake? He said they didn't have any!
      Carla: Oh. I just did like this (thrusts cleavage) and said, "Got cake?"

    • Elliot: I have been kicking ass lately, but this place is such a boys' club I still can't even get x-rays or lab tests back on time.
      Carla: Hey, Elliot, if you're desperate to get things done, you could always do what Jordan does.
      Jordan: Could you move my car out of the sun? If the seat gets too hot, my thighs get all pink and sweaty.
      The guy grabs the keys and takes off in a flash.
      Jordan: Yeah. Bye-bye, security guard.
      Elliot: Hm. Very classy.

    • Elliot: Oh my God, I am so sorry. I'm just having the worst day.
      Turk: It's no biggie. Forgive and forget, right?... (to cross): Please get her.

    • Elliot: Do you have chocolate cake today?
      Cafeteria Worker: Nope.
      Elliot: Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!

    • J.D.'s Narration: Life in a hospital is never boring.
      Carla: What the hell are you guys doing?
      Turk: Practicing our slow motion run.
      J.D.: Makes everything seem more dramatic.
      Carla: You're doctors. Doctors.
      Turk: Baby?
      J.D.: Go get her, Turk!
      Turk: Waaaaaaiiiiit!
      J.D.: Oh, he's slow.

    • J.D.'s narration: Make the flesh and blood argument again but in a different way.
      J.D.: Blood and flesh, Murray.
      Murray: I'll do it.
      J.D.'s narration: Jackpot!

    • Murray: Look you obviously have some issues with your own father that you're projecting onto me so why don't you go ahead and give him a jingle?
      J.D.: He's dead.
      Murray: Good stuff!
      J.D.: No I'm serious.
      Murray: Classic!
      J.D.: He had like a massive heart attack.
      Murray: I'm sorry for your loss.

    • J.D.'s Narration: Maybe I got too involved with Murray and his fake real dad. But as I watched Gregory serenade a clearly uncomfortable Murray, I realized something. If Murray could look past his dad's imperfections and appreciate all the time he'd given him, maybe I owe Dr. Cox a thank-you for the same thing.
      J.D.: Hey. I just wanted to take a second to thank you for constantly berating me, doubting my abilities, and the overall devastation of my self-esteem.
      Dr. Cox: My pleasure.

    • Murray: He's not my dad, he's my fake dad. Which means what my fake cousin Samantha and I almost did in the tenth grade would have been beautiful... and right.
      J.D.: Been there with my gram-gram...

    • Janitor: Ah! I wanna see that engagement ring.
      Jeweler: That costs ten thousand dollars.
      Janitor: I got twelve bucks.

    • Murray: You don't know what it was like having him as a father. He had me in his shadows my whole life. He actually sang at my senior prom. My date threw her panties on the stage - first and last time I saw them, by the way.

    • Carla: You won't have to compromise yourself. It's all about subtlety. It's...a lingering smile... a chuckle at a bad joke... a look in your eye that says, "If you do what I want maybe something will happen between us, even though you know it never will..."
      Elliot: Franklyn, if you analyze this urine sample right now, then maybe I'll have sex with you, but probably not.
      Carla: So close.

    • Jordan: Sweetie, you won't have to do that! Sure, if it's something really important, you might have to occasionally sleep with someone. That's how I hooked up with Perry - needed a pen.

    • J.D.: You will never guess what I found on the computer!
      Dr. Cox: Is it a set of adult male shoulders?
      J.D.: They had to trim them to get me out of that well.
      Dr. Cox: Oh, right.

    • Elliot: Do you have chocolate cake today?
      Cafeteria worker: Nope.
      Elliot: Oh. Isn't that just the pickle on the giant crap sandwich that is my day!
      Turk: Elliot, relax; I never get chocolate cake.
      Elliot: Oh, right, 'cause you're diabetic. Boo-hoo! You know what, Turk, if you want sympathy, get a disease people can see!

    • J.D.'s narration: Time to go see my favorite patient, Mr. Gregory Marks. He may need a new kidney, but he sure as hell doesn't need a new heart.
      Mr. Marks: Hey, I bought you a present.
      J.D.: Oh, my God, a journal!
      Mr. Marks: Well, you seem like the kind of sensitive young buck that likes to chronicle his feelings.
      J.D.'s narration: I can't wait to chronicle this one!

    • J.D.: I gotta tell you, Mr. Marks - even though I know you'd never take it, I'd give you one of my kidneys in a second.
      Mr. Marks: Oh, no, I would definitely take it! I would take it with my bare hands.
      J.D.: Awesome. Well...let me check your chart and s-see if we're a match!
      J.D.'s Narration: Please don't be a match! Please don't be a match! Blood type O! Not a match! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!
      J.D.: I'm so sorry.

    • Carla: Elliot, your interviewer called, he's running late. Would you take Turk somewhere for me?
      Elliot: Where?
      Jordan: Oh. The, uh, honey festival!
      Elliot: Oh my God! Is that back in town?

    • Dr. Cox: By the by, this moment is so great, I'd cheat on that other moment from before, marry this one and raise a family of tiny little moments.

    • J.D.: (After Dr. Kelso comments on the unicorn on his notebook) It's not a unicorn, it's a horse with a sword on its head!
      The Unicorn: You know I'm a unicorn, why can't you just say it?

    • Mickey: (running around like an airplane) I'm a pretty airplane! Board me.
      Murray: He's a little off...
      J.D.: He smells like fuel.
      Murray: He's an airplane.

    • Murray: Before you say anything I just want you to know, if you need a kidney, you can have mine.
      Mark: Really?
      Murray: For $70,000.
      Dr. Cox: I love this moment so much that I want to have sex with it.

    • Jordan: (about Elliot) She has nice breasts.
      Carla: They're real.
      Jordan: No, they're not.
      J.D.: Yeah, they are.
      Jordan: They're not!

    • Dr. Cox: Who gave you this number?
      J.D.: I'm asking for your help here.
      Dr. Cox: Ok, but I think it's very important to focus on the "who gave you this number" issue.
      J.D.: Fine. Maybe I got too involved like you said, but would it kill you for once to acknowledge for that my heart was in the right place instead of spending all your time berating me.
      Dr. Cox: You got this number from Jordan didn't you? She hates me.

    • J.D.'s Narration: I couldn't decide whether I should tell Murray his dad wasn't his dad. Luckily hospitals are full of supportive colleagues eager to help.
      Dr. Kelso: Go tell that little bastard this second before he coughs a kidney up to his fake father and sues this hospital. Write that down in your little unicorn book.

    • Turk: I love large groups of white people eating pollen.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

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