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Dr. Christopher "Chris" Duncan Turk
Dr. Percival "Perry" Cox
Nurse Carla Espinosa
Dr. Robert "Bob" Kelso
Dr. Elliot Reid
Dr. John Michael "J.D." Dorian
Nurse Laverne Roberts
In the scene where J.D. first explains that Turk is competitive, Turk introduces a game where the first person to throw the hat on Rowdy wins. At first they're playing the game with a red hat however it then shows Turk win and the hat is now black.
(The surgical and medical teams are about to compete in a wheelchair race in the hospital, J.D. and Dr. Cox vs. Turk and Dr. Wen)
Dr. Cox: Newbie, by God, if we lose to these cutters, don't even bother showing up tomorrow.
Dr. Wen: (to Turk) I don't want to beat them, I want to embarrass them!
Sean: Ew, is that, uh...uh...?
Elliot: No! No, no, no. This is just muddy water, see?
(She wipes her finger across her shirt and licks it)
Sean: You just tasted muddy water.
Elliot: I know, uh...th--that was weird.
Dr. Cox: What do you think, she doesn't see right through you? These people know who really cares about them!
Dr. Kelso: Oh, is that so? You and Jennifer are pretty tight, huh?
Dr. Cox: Hell, yeah, we are!
Dr. Cox: Hey, Jenny? Gosh, I'm glad you're back.
Nurse: Thanks! My name's Patty.
Turk: You're damn right I'm competitive. See, that's what makes me a good doctor - I want to win at everything every day, and you should, too.
J.D.: Oh, you know, that sounds like a great friendship.
Turk: Dude, if you don't wanna play Steak again, that's fine, all right? This has nothing to do with friendship, and you know it! So stop blaming me, because the truth is you're angry at yourself 'cause you couldn't get the guy to believe in you!
J.D.: He never got the concept of the team.
Turk: I know. Have a cookie, man.
Carla: Elliot, you know how they say no one will ever love you until you learn to love yourself?
Elliot: My mother used to say, "No one will ever love you."
Elliot: Oh, my God. I cannot believe I talked to Sean about poo for, like, ten minutes.
Carla: Oh, relax; nobody knows.
Laverne: Hey, Poopy.
Elliot: At one point I tried changing the subject to art... But, we went from art to artists to alcohol to coffee...and that just led right back to poo!
Dr. Kelso: Can I let my mind wander, or are we doing something?
Dr. Cox: I just wanted to say that I'm... I'm sorry.
Dr. Kelso: Holy crap!
Elliot: Hey! How's it goin'?
Sean: It's good. Yeah. It's good... You, um...you have a little something on your cheek.
Elliot: Oh, um! Yeah, that! That's just, uh... That's poo.
Sean: Oh. Well, I mean, you know-you know what they say, right? Because...everybody poops. I mean, I just did, earlier - not this second, but...down there, I poo-I pooped.
Elliot: Wow. I think that is so cool that you can just talk about it!
Sean: Really? Okay. Yeah, I love to poop.
Janitor: Look, I'm just a janitor, I don't know much, but I do know this: You need surgery.
Carla: Where are you going? You don't get off until midnight!
Elliot: Lookit, it's my last chance; and Sean's only seen me all skanked out. What, does it look like I'm trying too hard?
Carla: No! Do you need me to ice up your nipples?
Elliot: Why? What would that do?
Dr. Cox: Lookit, you fired a dear, dear friend of mine. That woman was like family!
Dr. Kelso: Who?
Dr. Cox: Who? I'll tell you who!... Coffee Nurse. When you fired Coffee Nurse, you made this whole thing personal!
Dr. Kelso: No, you made it personal. You gave me all that lip yesterday in front of the interns. Look, you wanna know why I laid off those first two nurses? Budgetary constraints forced a cut, and those two had negative reports. And you think I did it to make myself happy...heh-heh... I wouldn't notice if they all caught on fire.
Dr. Cox: Well, then, why in God's name did you axe Coffee Nurse?
Dr. Kelso: Because you were being an ass! You're right - that was personal. My bad!
Dr. Kelso: What are you gonna do, slugger, take a swing at me?
Dr. Cox: Maybe.
Dr. Kelso: Well, if you do...I'd better die. Because, if I don't, I will be coming for you. Good cake, today.
Dr. Cox: Good God, Newbie, do you think you're the only one with problems around here? Gimme a break, watch this: Pick a nurse, any nurse. Uh-huh. Oh, um, Laverne, when you get a chance, could you grab a file for me?
Laverne: Grab these.
Dr. Cox: Rough all over. So don't talk to me, Joanie, just go talk to your patient.
J.D.: You can't consider this a reoccurrence! He was under-treated last time!
Turk: He's high-risk for colon cancer!
J.D.: That's why we're gonna give him frequent colostomies!
Mr. Hoffner: How frequent?
J.D.: I can't believe you're turning this into a competition. Luckily, it's not up to you - it's up to Mr. Hoffner.
Mr. Hoffner: I'm gonna go with surgery.
J.D.: You're getting a meat plate for dinner!
Mr. Hoffner: But I eat chicken!
J.D.: You said you were gonna back me up!
Turk: That was before I looked at his chart. He's had ulcerative colitis for the past ten years.
Mr. Hoffner: And no girlfriends. It's a...gassy disease.
Elliot: Oh, no.
Sean: Oh, I knew it. I'm dying. I was exhausted the whole time I was on that treadmill! I should have said something; but I never do, nope. I mean, not when it comes to my well-being. And now...I'm getting a pig heart!
Elliot: That's a good point. I mean, nobody likes me when they first meet me and-
Carla: Exactly!... I'm helping.
Elliot: Why hasn't he asked me out? I mean, he knows I'm single, I've mentioned, like, five movies that I want to see, I-I even keep dropping things so that when I pick them up he can see how flexible I am!
Carla: Look, Elliot, you have to understand, these things take time and self-respect...so we're gonna focus on time.
Elliot: Carla, um, I'm sorry, can I talk to you for a second?
Dr. Cox: Oh, my God - Barbie needs you!
Dr. Cox: No! Tell me he did not fire her!
Carla: You had to do it! You had to show up Kelso, and now another nurse is out of a job.
Dr. Cox: Excuse me, I went down there to confront-
Carla: I am not done! Am I done?
Laverne: You don't look done.
Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox: There are times I put myself in situ-
Carla: Oh, my God! Who answers that question!? You see, that is your problem - you think you have the answers to e-heh-everything, but instead, you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say.
J.D.: Okay, Mr. Hoffner, here's your surgical consult. But, I have to warn you, he's gonna agree with the medical course I set out for you. Now then, Dr. Turk, why don't you tell Mr. Hoffner whether or not you think he should have surgery.
Turk: I think he should have the surgery.
J.D.'s Narration: Okay, the important thing to remember is that we're both professionals, and we should behave as such in front of the patient.
(J.D. shoves Turk in the shoulder. Turk then shoves him back)
Dr. Kelso: Who gets to tell us the symptoms of Menier's Disease? Dr. Murphy!
Doug: Can you use it in a sentence?
Elliot: Ah! Of course! The heart...the old ticker!
Sean: Wow...you're my doctor. I have something for you in my pants... No. No, no, no, no, no. Not-not-I'm not wearing any pants...right now. My pants are over there, and there's a note...from my-my G.P. in, um, in the pocket. If you guys need me, I'll be under here. (He ducks under the covers)
Elliot: So, what are you, uh...sick or something?
Sean: My--my heartbeat, it's like, uh, it's irregular. What's the medical word for it?
Sean: Yeah! That's it, it's irregular.
J.D.: Okay, fine! Let's just play, uh, let's play Tip Over the Trash-Can! Okay?
(He knocks over a trash-can, and the garbage falls out)
J.D.: I win!
(Janitor steps in)
J.D.: I...I win.
Janitor: Can I play?
(Janitor swats J.D.'s papers onto the floor)
Janitor: This is fun.
Turk: I win!
J.D.: I wasn't racing, I was just walking in.
Todd: Good, clean win, T-Dog. Now, let's go down to the Caf and get our doughnut on.
J.D.: Come on, man, let's get out of here. There's something to do, there's...film festivals, there's theatre, there's museums. Let's get out and get some culture! How 'bout some of that!
Turk: Let's put Rowdy on top of the TV and see which one of us can throw a hat on him first.
Carla: Just fake it! Don't let him see what a neurotic mess you are. You see Turk over there?
Carla: He doesn't know that I cry sometimes because I'm not sure there's a cat heaven. It's all about hiding the crazy and acting like the most confident girl in the room.
Elliot: No problem!
J.D.'s Narration: I, too, decided it was time to act like the most confident girl in the room, and face things head-on.
J.D.: So, what's up, man? You're gonna go under the knife just 'cause that guy told you to?
Mr. Hoffner: No, I spoke to some other people.
J.D.: Like who?
Janitor: All fixed.
J.D.: He's a janitor!
Mr. Hoffner: Yeah, but he seems confident.
Mr. Hoffner: What are you serving for dinner tonight?
J.D.: You know, that's not really my area.
Mr. Hoffner: I'd like chicken.
Sean: I don't know, I mean, I'm kind of anal-neurotic.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Me too!
Elliot: Please! I like to keep my pens in order from least to most ink.
Sean: Oh, that is hot. I don't know, I guess the truth is that I, uh, I don't go out a lot, you know? I always seem to put my foot in my mouth.
Elliot: Oh, I'd let you put your foot in my mouth.
Elliot: Oh, um, I said I'd let you put your foot in my mouth!
Sean: Oh. That's weird.
Elliot: I know!
Elliot: This might sound weird, but I'm in love with that guy. And if I don't sleep with him, I'm gonna kill myself! It's inappropriate to jump a patient, isn't it?
Elliot: Have you ever done it?
Carla: Tons of times.
Turk: Tons of times what, Baby?
Carla: Nothing, Baby.
J.D.: What's up, Benedict.
J.D.: Benedict Arnold?!
Turk: That's just the lamest smack-talk I've ever heard in my life.
J.D.: Oh yeah?
J.D.: Well, that's not what the red-coats thought.
Mr. Hoffner: Wow! You went colonial on his ass.
Dr. Cox: Why hasn't he had a surgical consult? Oh you know what, I'm sorry, that's my fault, I didn't make it clear to you how I feel about things that should already be done. So here it is. I almost always wish things were done already...
J.D.: Look, Mr. Hoffner asked for all his treatment options and I gave them to him. He never specifically asked for a surgical consult.
Mr. Hoffner: Could I have a surgical consult?
Dr. Cox: You may have whatever you want there cowboy.
J.D.: How is that helpful? Do you not get the whole doctor-patient relationship thing? We're supposed to be a team.
Mr. Hoffner: You and me? We're gonna get killed.
Dr. Cox: Oh for the love of our Lady of Guadalupe that is a fine brew.
Coffee Nurse: Oh it's just coffee.
Dr. Cox: Oh no, no this is liquid crack. This is a mug full of sunshine, my dear for me this is like sex.
Coffee Nurse: Oh is that why you always finish so quickly?
Dr. Cox: Oh and sassy too. If you could cook a steak, I'd eat it right off your bottom. Oh ladies, this is that beverage that I've been trying to describe to you and it turns out, this is gonna sound weird but the secret is you grind it from beans, not crap.
Nurse Roberts: I'll grind your beans.
Dr. Cox: Oh, Laverne, honestly, when are we gonna get it over with?
Dr. Cox: [To Kelso] Ahh sorry to interupt you there Bobo, but I gotta ask you a quick question. Now when you were born, nay spawned by the dark prince himself, did that rat bastard forget to give you a hug before he sent you on your way because you can't just let two good nurses go on account of feeling small and insignificant, and besides, with your money you ought to be able to keep a little man tucked away in the closet and bring him out whenever you wanna knock him around, eh? As you were.
J.D.: [Singing] If you have some moles, I will inspect them.
Turk: [Singing] I'll remove tumors from your brain to your rectum.
J.D. & Turk: [Singing] Between the two of us there is no wall - we're a surgeon and a doc above it all... A surgeon and a doc above... it... all...
Original International Airdates:
Czech Republic: January 10, 2013 on Prima COOL
Title Explanation: "My Way or the Highway" refers to how surgeons want the patient to go the surgical route, and physicians to go the medical route.
J.D.: What's up Benedict?
J.D.: Benedict Arnold...
Benedict Arnold originally fought for American independence from the British Empire as a general in the Continental Army during the American Revolutionary War until he obtained command of the American fort at West Point, New York and, switching sides, plotted unsuccessfully to surrender it to the British.
West Side Story:
In the classic movie and play West Side Story, there is an ongoing fight between Italian and Puerto Rican gangs for control of New York City streets. The opening scene of the movie shows the gangs walking/dancing across town towards each other, with a dance much like the residents.
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