Scrubs

(J.D.'s fantasy funeral) Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. Should have done this a long time ago. (Dr. Cox hugs J.D., then J.D. hugs him back) J.D.: I knew you loved me, I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me, everyone! Can I get an amen! Everyone: Amen! J.D.: Whoo! God is good! (Dr. Cox snaps J.D.'s neck) J.D.: Worth it. (J.D. falls and dies)

J.D.: (To the a deaf father) Oh you're deaf, it's alright. (To the child) Can you help me communicate with your dad? (The kid signs to his father) You're deaf, too? What are the odds? I'm a doctor, I should probably know that.

J.D.: Ted, we know that denying surgery isn't technically child abuse, we're just wondering if we have any legal recourse. Ted: (Takes out a big book) Just give me one second. Turk: Are you looking for a legal precedent? Ted: No, I'm looking up the word recourse.

Turk: And tell him, that's, if you know the sign that is, "booyah". J.D.: (Giving Nazi salute) Booyah. Janitor: Nazi salute. J.D.: My bad. (Puts down arm)

Elliot: I'm a trailer trash pop star who barely wears underwear and you're my backup dancer who's not quite sure about his sexuality. Keith: I don't want to do Britney and K-Fed anymore. Since the divorce, it's too sad.

Doug: (About Laverne) I am thinking about her. I haven't seen my cell phone since her autopsy.

Janitor: You know when I was a kid I made my dad teach me sign language so I could communicate with my deaf sister. I ended up closer with her than anyone. Maybe Mr. Francis is afraid of losing that. J.D.: Is any of that true? Janitor: Mostly. My dad died before I was born. J.D.: Wait a minute, I met your dad. Janitor: You met a man.

Keith: Elliot, I don't think this relationship is working out. Elliot: Well, this sucks caboodle.

Doug: (Talking about Laverne to guy in front of him) I did her autopsy! Man: I'm her uncle. Doug: Oh. Your niece had very nice guts. Dr. Kelso: Good save, chief.

J.D.: Can you teach me how to sign "I think we can fix your son's hearing"? Janitor: Or I could just tell him. J.D.: I think it's best if he hears from a doctor. Janitor: No, you just want the glory. Are you really that emotionally needy? J.D.: Have we not met? Janitor: Oh, you're right. I'm sorry...wasn't thinking.

Dr. Cox: Hm, who could you possibly go to if the father won't sign? Here a hint: It begins with an "M" and ends with an "R"... Janitor: Marg Helgenberger!

J.D.: You know, if we learned sign language we could talk in the movies without Carla yelling at us. Turk: But it's so dark, how could we see what we're signing? J.D.: We'd get special glow-in-the-dark signing gloves. Turk: Yeah but then the popcorn butter would get all over the gloves. J.D.: Why do you keep poking holes in this? We'd cut off the fingertips! Turk: Okay, I'm in.

Elliot: Uh, what's up your caboodle? Carla: Caboodle? Elliot: Oh, it's a new word I'm trying out to replace "ass". I have loose morals and I'm living in sin so...still hoping that not being a potty mouth will get me into heaven.

J.D.: Turk, she's back! Turk: Oh my God, Tammy Two Toes. Carla: So that's it? One second we're mourning Laverne and the next you're making up ridiculous nicknames? Turk: Baby, what am I supposed to call her? Her name's Tammy and she's got two toes!

(After Keith leaves in a huff) Dr. Kelso: (To Elliot about Keith) Bitches, huh. What are you gonna do?

Elliot: Sir, can we help you here? Dr. Kelso: Oh, you already are sweetheart. I forgot to bring my paper down here but this gab fest is just delicious. So go on, you were talking about your relationship, only it was like he's the chick and you're the dude. Keith: All you think about is sex. Elliot: Here we go, nag, nag, nag. Dr. Kelso: Ha! You nagger! Snopp Dogg Resident: Hey, what'd you just call him, you punk ass? Dr. Kelso: A nagger. Snopp Dogg Resident: Ok, we're cool. (Pumps fist on chest) (Dr. Kelso pumps fist on chest)

Ted: Were you for real? Doug: That's a trick, right? I mean, when he gets back from Vegas you're gonna tear him a new one. Elliot: No. With Keith I've decided I'm going to be the best girlfriend ever. If that means skipping some silly anniversary, that's fine. If that means having some crazy sex and then running off without cuddling to go meet the fellas for a beer, great. Doctor: I might cry. Ted: Man, if you were just 40 years older.

Turk: How do you know sign langauge? Janitor: Well, when I was in high school I was a volunteer janitor at the Hoboken Zoo. And one night I was out plucking peacock feathers to sell for pens when I noticed Gary the gorilla making the sign for "food". I gave him my Danish, he gave the sign for "thank you". Those were the only two signs Gary knew, except for "boobs", he liked them big and hairy. Todd: Join the club, player. Janitor: Get away. Todd: Ok. Janitor: So, eventually Gary, I'm sorry to say, died of lung cancer. For that I blame myself because I used to share my smokes with him. But he also piqued my interest in signing and in his memory I took my first signing class. J.D.: Is any of that true? Janitor: Someone would have to read it back to me.

Dr. Cox: Right about now I'm going to be entering my imaginary sound-proof glass bubble. That way, I don't have to be bothered- (Dr. Cox then enters the imaginary bubble and acts as if he shuts the door thus making the rest of his speech unable to be heard)

Minister: Brothers and sisters, as we leave here today, let's not mourn Laverne's passing, Amen? Everyone: Amen. Minister: Let us celebrate her life, for isn't that what she would want us to do? Everyone: Mm-Hmm. J.D.: That's where she got that!