Elaine Marie Benes (not in pilot)
George Louis Costanza
Why can't Sheryl remember Jerry was funny at the start? He was laughing and (well attempting to) was making jokes.
George: Jerry's whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!
Kramer: Yeah, well, Joe Pepitone or not, I own the inside of that plate! So I throw one inside, a little chin music… put him right on his pants, because I got to intimidate when I'm on the mound. Well, the next pitch, he's right back in the same place! So… I had to plunk him.
Babu: (blaming Jerry for his deportation to Pakistan) I am going to save up every rupee. For someday, I will get back to America, and when I do, I will exact vengeance on this man. I cannot forget it, he haunts me. He is a very bad man, very, very bad man.
George: Nobody is sicker than me.
Elaine: The turbo quadramatic transmission offers you the power and prestige to propel you well into the twenty-first century.
George: Toasting makes me uncomfortable, but toast I love. Never start the day without a good piece of toast. In fact, let's toast to toast.
George:(to Jerry) Would it kill you not to be so funny all the time? That's all I'm askin'. This woman thinks I'm very funny and now you're gonna be funny, so what am I gonna be? I'm gonna be a short bald guy with glasses who suddenly doesn't seem so funny.
Elaine: (about George) He thinks that if a woman sees a guy put on a better show, she'll walk out on his show and go see the other show.
Jerry: Hey, I've been back four days, I want my mail.
Elaine: It's mostly bills, magazines, and junk mail anyway.
Jerry: Elaine, that's what mail is. Without bills, magazines, and junk mail, there is no mail.
Cheryl: Do you ever laugh?
Jerry: Not really. Sometimes, when I'm in the tub.
Cheryl: That's so sad. What do you do?
Jerry: I'm a comedian.
Babu's brother: Where is Babu? What happened to Babu? Show me Babu!
George: I have no funny friends. I'm the funny one. El-Clowno!
Jerry: Why don't we just say give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, people that can't drive, if they have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, if they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they're clogged, if they have bad penmanship, don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving.
Babu's Brother: No, too fruity.
Cheryl: You're a very serious person, aren't you?
Jerry: Well, with so many people in the world deprived and unhappy, it doesn't
seem like it would be fair to be cheerful.
Cheryl: I understand.
Jerry: Well, birthdays are really symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic life, this is who we are to the bitter end, inevitably, irrevocably… happy birthday? No such thing.
George: Jerry is dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal!
George: Kramer goes to a Fantasy camp? His whole life is a fantasy camp! People should plunk down $2,000 to live like him for a week. Do nothing, fall ass backwards in the money, mooch food off your neighbors and have sex without dating; now that's a fantasy camp.
George: I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate. I've got it all!
Babu: (to Jerry) You're a very bad man.
Elaine: Who'd you punch?
Kramer: Mickey Mantle.
In Latin America, this episode aired before "The Movie" (the previous episode).
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