Smallville

Season 5 Episode 5

Thirst

2
Aired Friday 8:00 PM Oct 27, 2005 on The CW
8.1
out of 10
User Rating
1,204 votes
93

EPISODE REVIEWS
By TV.com Users

Episode Summary

EDIT
Lana joins a sorority to get housing for her last-minute college registration, but the sisters have a deadly agenda which involves turning Lana into a vampire like themselves and sending her against Clark. Meanwhile, Chloe applies to become an intern at the Daily Planet and runs up against the editor-in-chief, Pauline Kahn.moreless

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SUBMIT REVIEW
  • Probably the stupidest episode of any superman franchise, ever.

    1.0
    Smallville has had a number of weak stories and implausible motifs, but this is by far the stupidest one I've seen--I only hope the show never sinks to this depth again. I cannot believe this story got approved. From the opening voice-over to the final note, this is one extremely poor joke of an episode, with every Buffy The Vampire Slayer wanabe joke and reference possible crammed in. I felt sorry for the actorsmoreless
  • Blows

    6.0
    This week Lana gets to be a vampire... it's a poor episode with generic story developments carried by some sidelined relationship developments, which have some uncomfortably cheesy moments. This is one of the episodes that adds to the decline of the Lana character and ascension of the Chloe character. Special Guest Stars elevate the episode, but they would have been served more appropriately with better material.
  • You never know whether you're going to get nail-biting suspense. Or tongue-in-cheek humor.

    9.9
    In this case, it was a mixture of both. I'd say 49% suspense/51% humor. With the humor, of course, meant as a spoof-cum-homage to James Marsters' former series, "Buffy The Vampire Slayer." In fact, it was especially funny when Marsters (as the still-undercover BrainIAC) tells Clark that "there's no such thing as vampires!" Of course, in this case, the vampires are snobbish sorority girls. The leader of whom was bitten by vampire bats mutated by kryptonite radiation within their cave. Of course, in the end, Clark saves the day...with a larger-than-normal assist from Chloe. The only reason I don't give this a perfect ten, however? Zoological inexactitude. The only vampire bats that have ever migrated to the United States, under their own power are those of the species Diphylla caudata ("the hairy-legs"). And, those have never been found farther north than southern Texas! Vampire bats of the family Desmodus are normally found only in Brazil. And, maybe, in the West Indies. So, if there was a population of them in Kansas, they didn't get their under their own power. More likely, they escaped from some Luthorcorp research facility. And, Lex has--once again--proven himself a straight-faced liar with regard to his personal culpability (or alleged lack, thereof).moreless
  • It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a farce! Sorority stereotypes are tiresome. Vampire stories are tiresome. "Thirst" is fun for some, a disappointment for others. The ratings span the full scale - is it a "1" or a "10?"moreless

    6.5
    Carrie Fisher guest stars in "Thirst," offering hope of a nice cameo and some notable acting. Alas, it is not to be. She has to play a caustic nightmare of an editor of the DP, Pauline Kahn. All she does is ridicule Chloe who's applying for an internship, and Fisher has to fling out a couple vulgarities to show what a tough old gal she is. Finally abusing Chloe enough, she offers hope if Chloe will bring her a story. In an unusual twist, Chloe narrates the episode as she writes her story.



    A plot summary mentioning vampires lowers expectations right off, and it's even worse since the setting is a college. Sorority girls are depicted as promiscuous hedonists, ready to bed complete strangers at a moment's notice. But when they sink their canines into the hapless pizza delivery guy, who's a sap for anyone wearing a bikini, we get the vampire theme. Already, this is beyond "over-the-top."



    At the Talon, Clark finds Lana packing for college, accepted at Met. U., to his surprise. She's going to try a sorority for housing due to her late registration. Clark weakly suggests Central Kansas A&M, but she intends to study astronomy. Nothing will change in their relationship, she assures him.



    Professor Fine lectures Clark's class on the decline of the Roman empire, when, speak of the devil, Lex drops in at that moment. Why? Fine publicly criticizes him as an "unstable megalomaniac," which is practically slander, but the University apparently has no policy on that and won't do anything. Lex accuses Fine of revealing non-public classified information about Luthorcorp projects. Lex plays the college funding card; Fine is not intimidated.



    We have to endure another petulant-snob glamour-girl sorority airhead scene, but that's the way the producers want you to react. Lana is ready to join up, but the initiation involves turning her into a vampire. No wonder they overact. They all have such nice white vampire fangs, too, they must have really great vampire dentists.



    Fine comes to the mansion bringing documents of his personal history, including research funding that Lex has been illicitly funneling. Never start a game you can't win, he tells Lex. Maybe Lex has met his match in the game of blackmail.



    As Lana recovers from the sorority bite-fest, Clark drops in, but Lana remembers nothing of the previous night. Despite the dumb plot, Ms. Kreuk still gives it her best, and that's pretty good. She's now uninhibited, but thinks Clark's needy and insecure, terms we don't usually associate with the Man of Steel.



    Fine gets into Lex's warehouse where the spaceship is hidden, but is found by the Luthorcorp security guy; Fine kills him on the spot by morphing a sword arm. This seems senseless since Fine does nothing we might expect, such as entering the spaceship for a recharge, or whatever androids do for fun.



    The bloodsucking sorority sisters smack Lana around, and the stunt double has to take a big fall. Is Lana paralyzed? No, she recovers from major body distortion quickly. Well, gee, she's immortal, and now sports the requisite canines.



    Chloe calls Clark about Lana's bizarre behavior, but she's found that the new sorority president, Buffy, has a telling history. A costume party is coming up, so Chloe and Clark decide to crash it to learn more about the group, even though Clark quips, "I hate costumes." He goes as Zorro. Chloe spots vampire Lana before Clark does, but she gets little cooperation from her.



    Chloe is going to do a story on this? Clark finds Lana in mid-chomp on Chloe's neck. Lana disappears into the night, while Chloe winds up in the hospital, recovering from a rabies-like virus. Clark oversees this, when Fine, too, appears at her room. Why and how is he there? Bitten by what, everyone wonders, but Chloe's seriously ill, and Fine tells Clark to look into 1138, a Luthorcorp project. One scene, Fine is a murdering alien, next scene he's saving Clark's friends.



    When Clark asks Lex about 1138 (I missed the THX 1138 allusion here) and the disease threat to Chloe and Lana, Lex relents, and recites a number of lines which explains the whole vampire thing. Sorority girl Sanders was trapped outside caves where stalactites were affected by meteor rocks, which in turn affected the vampire bats in the caves, which in turn infected Sanders. This is one of the most far-fetched explanations of a meteor phenomenon in the entire series. Of course, Lex was involved, and has a handy serum for the disease in his handy case, which also has some meteor rock to threaten Clark, but he manages to grab one of the syringes before falling to the floor.



    In another overblown scene, Lana crashes down through the ceiling glass and flies down - Clark is too weak to resist her. Apparently in this state his flesh is vulnerable, so Lana sucks some of his blood, and now she, too, exhibits heat vision. She somehow brings him back to the sorority, where she wants to convert him into a fellow vampire, but, darn, no boys allowed, Sanders says. In a brief fight, Lana simply destroys her with a heat vision blast. With his last effort, Clark manages to inject her with the serum.



    Lana is now a murderer, but she wasn't herself, and there's no corpse, so you can get away with that on Smallville. "What do you remember?" Clark asks her, the usual question to someone who may have discovered too much about his secrets. She replies, "Love and overwhelming strength." So she is even more bonded to him than ever, but conveniently remembers little.



    All is back to normal, as Clark expresses his gratitude to Lex. Of course, Lex wants to know how Clark learned about Project 1138, correctly guessing that it was Professor Fine. Lex tells Clark that Fine is not the friend Clark thinks he is. And this statement is as compelling as the dialog gets in this episode, which is to say, not at all.



    Chloe brings her vampire tale to Pauline Kahn, who says the article would be fine, if the DP "printed tabloid nonsense," which, coincidentally, is an apt description of this episode! At least Chloe maintains her dignity in all of this by explaining that she wasn't writing about "real" vampires, but about students infected by a dangerous virus in a Luthorcorp experiment gone bad. That could have been an interesting story - too bad the producers and writers made it a farce instead, and it infected the rest of the cast, too. I want my fantasies to be more realistic, so I just wasn't willing to give up hoping for serious drama and go along for the ride on a bit of silly fluff.



    So Chloe gets the job. At the bottom, but that's ok with Chloe, excited to be in the SP basement. Strange episode, strange narration, unconventional ending. Is there anything vital in this episode making it worth seeing? Any shred of a continuing, compelling story that can't be missed? Not really, but I backed off ridiculing "Thirst" after reading some of the reviews, especially by "Daronil," who pointed out it IS a farce for Halloween, and a paen to BTVS. Chloe did have several clever quips, and that was good writing, and she's now starting with the Daily Planet. But that would be obvious from watching future episodes, so "Thirst" really didn't make the grade with most viewers. Re-run rating C-.moreless
  • worse of the Smallville episodes yet. Vampire plot in a half-ass sorority house

    2.5
    This was the worse Smallville episode ever! The only thing that keeps this together is Chloe's narration of the events and the addition of the professor vs Lex. The producers were obviously on vacation this week. Allison Mack is the only one that holds this episode together but the story line about vampires needed to go. They were most likely forced to get a Halloween theme going for the studio on this stinker. Lana as a vampire was a ridiculous twist. I thought being a witch in the earlier episodes was a stretch but number 93 needs to be skipped altogether.moreless
Tom Welling

Tom Welling

Clark Kent/Kal-El of Krypton

Kristin Kreuk

Kristin Kreuk

Lana Lang

Michael Rosenbaum

Michael Rosenbaum

Alexander ('Lex') Joseph Luthor

Allison Mack

Allison Mack

Chloe Sullivan

Brooke Nevin

Brooke Nevin

Buffy Sanders

Guest Star

Erica Cerra

Erica Cerra

Courtney

Guest Star

Kaare Anderson

Kaare Anderson

Ramirez

Guest Star

James Marsters

James Marsters

Professor Milton Fine

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

FILTER BY TYPE

  • TRIVIA (15)

    • Although Clark is bitten by Lana the night before, neither Lana nor Lex seem to think it's strange that he has no bite marks on his neck the next day.

    • When Lana and Clark are in Chloe's dorm, the morning after she was turned into a vampiress, Lana drinks something and her hair is kind of messed up. But, when she turns around her hair is combed and perfect.

    • When Lana gets between Buffy and Clark, Buffy punches Lana with her left hand, hitting Lana on her right. Naturally after being hit, Lana's head is thrown to her left, but she falls to her right.

    • Lex says some of the things the Professor says in class come dangerously close to libel. Libel only applies to printed lies, slander is for spoken ones.

    • When Professor Fine goes to see Lex Luthor to give him the file on his past, Lex is playing pool and the white ball is to the left of Lex, when Professor Fine shoots the ball into the corner pocket, the ball is now on his right

    • From the one killing we see, Buffy and the other girls don't take any precautions whatsoever, and in fact pick victims who will be noticed as missing. Nor do they really seem smart enough to handle a careful conspiracy of multiple murders and cover-ups. How the heck did they get away with semi-regular killings for the six years since Buffy first became a vampire then took over the sorority?

    • Why were the sorority sisters kicked off campus? Either they weren't responsible for their actions and shouldn't be punished (like Lana, which is how she presumably beat the murder rap), or they're responsible and guilty of at least one murder and presumably others as well. Just kicking them off campus seems like a rather odd compromise.

    • Clark in Smallville is on the phone talking to Chloe in Metropolis. Chloe suggests Clark get over there and *poof* he's there a second later. It's roughly 180 miles between the two cities (a 3-hour drive). That means Clark traveled at 648,000 miles per hour. The speed of sound is 760 miles per hour, so that means Clark was travelling at Mach 852! He's never been demonstrated to be anywhere close to that fast before.

    • Where is Chloe's father when she's hanging on to life by a bare thread?

    • Professor Fine's class ends when a buzzer rings the end of class. In college. Colleges don't have buzzers to signal the end of class.

    • So is the show being told from Chloe's perspective or not? If it's from her perspective, then how does she relate scenes like the ones between Lana and an unconscious Clark, when Lana has no later memory of what happened to her? Who was around to tell Chloe what happened? But if Chloe isn't telling the story...then why does everyone call Buffy "Buffy," when Chloe says she changed the names?

    • Although Chloe was bitten by Lana and is shown in the hospital with a large bloody bandage on her neck, when she gives her story to Pauline Kahn at the Daily Planet at the end of the episode, she doesn't have any marks at all on her neck.

    • Lex says that vampire bats were found in the cave in Smallville. Vampire bats are not native to North America.

    • Why didn't LuthorCorp check up on Buffy once their employee was infected? Surely they must have realized there was a chance she would be infected as she was trapped in the cave in the first place.

    • Trivia: This is the third time Lana has "murdered" someone over the course of the series and gotten away with it. She pitchforked Morgan Edge's goon in "Phoenix" and stabbed Genevieve Teague in "Commencement." And now she's heat visioned Buffy.

  • QUOTES (31)

    • Chloe: (while Ms. Kahn reads over Chloe's article) Is that a good "hmm" or a bad "hmm"?
      Kahn: Oh, it's a good "hmm". If we printed tabloid nonsense like the Inquisitor does, but we're the Daily Planet and tall tales about slaying Buffy the vampire don't make it into the pages of a real newspaper.
      Chloe: Ms. Kahn, I didn't make this up. They weren't vampires of the mythical sense, they were victims of an unusual disease. Look, here, it's all researched. Interviews, eyewitness accounts, the CDC report--everything.
      Kahn: Hmm.
      Chloe: Was that a good "hmm" or a bad...
      Kahn: (interrupting) Shut up. Here's the thing: your writing shows you aren't completely without talent.
      Chloe: Thank you.
      Kahn: But, you're not a real reporter either, yet. Everyone has to start somewhere. Welcome to the Daily Planet, kid.

    • Clark: How much of what happened do you remember?
      Lana: Bits and pieces. Nothing coherent, thank God. But there was one thing that stuck with me, something I felt when I bit you.
      Clark: What was that?
      Lana: Warmth and love and an overwhelming feeling of strength. I think that for a moment, I felt what was inside your heart and I've never felt closer to someone in my entire life.

    • Buffy: (after Lana brings back Clark) Nice work. He's quite a catch. One-hundred percent corn-fed Kansas beef. Let's eat.
      Lana: Wait. Isn't there something else we can do with him?
      Buffy: Like what? Barbeque?
      Lana: No, like convert him. Into one of us.
      (the Tri Psis laugh)
      Sorority Girl: We're a sorority, not a fraternity.
      Sorority Girl #2: No boys allowed.

    • Lana: (about Clark) What're you going to do to him?
      Buffy: Oh, me? Oh, honey. This is your freshman mess. Find Clark and bring him back here with just enough life in him for all of us to have a taste, or you're the one who we're feeding off of tonight.

    • Buffy: How could you be so stupid? You never leave anyone alive, you have to finish them off.
      Sorority Girl: Or turn them by making them drink your blood. Oh, that guy Carlos saw you.
      Lana: His name's Clark.
      Buffy: Oh, whatever. He saw you feeding and he was sneaking around my room. That's two strikes. I'm not waiting for a third.
      Lana: He's my boyfriend.
      Buffy: So? Lana, you're going to live forever now. He's going to get old and withered and sag in places you don't want to see sagging. You're special, he's not. Deal.

    • Chloe: (to a guy dressed as a cowboy) Go play with your sixshooter. Me and the kittycat need to have a talk.

    • Chloe: Don't you think the cape is a little much?
      Clark: I kinda like it. It's not too bad. The mask slides around. I can hardly see anything sometimes.

    • Chloe: I don't know what's going on with Lana, but I went over to the sorority house today to say hi and one of the pretty plastic people told me she was still asleep. At three o'clock in the afternoon.
      Clark: Yeah, I tried calling her at two, but she won't pick up. Maybe she needs a little space.
      Chloe: Or some serious deprogramming.
      Clark: What do you mean?
      Chloe: Well, I'm pulling up some information for a story I'm working on and I think there's a lot more going on at that house than just pedicures and pillowfights.

    • Chloe: (voiceover) I Googled vampires. Their historic traits include an aversion to sunlight, elongated canines, insatiable hunger for human blood, and immortality. Poor Lana was about to find out about the last one the hard way.

    • Lana: (after downing a shot) This is so much better than sitting around, listening to my boyfriend whine about his feelings.
      Buffy: You're a Tri Psi now, Lana. We eat boyfriends for breakfast.
      Lana: Well, then, to breakfast!

    • Lana: We're not in high school anymore, Clark. Things change.
      Clark: I can see that.
      Lana: We're in college now. Live a little. I plan to.
      Clark: What does that mean?
      Lana: It means exactly what I said. If you're going to be all needy and insecure, then maybe we need to re-evaluate this relationship.

    • (Karen, Chloe's roommate, begins taking down Chloe's Wall of Weird)
      Chloe: Karen, this is my side of the room.
      Karen: I gotta look at it, okay? I did not spend four years of high school misery, dreaming of coming to Met U, for this!
      Chloe: No, I...
      Karen: No, and while we're on the subject of roommate etiquette, can you please tell (Karen says something in Spanish regarding a passed-out Lana) over here that this isn't the Betty Ford Clinic. I'm going to go now. (Karen leaves)
      Chloe: I'd rather be roomies with a two-headed monkey.

    • Professor Fine: (to Lex) Never start a game you can't win, Mr. Luthor.

    • Professor Fine: (after handing Lex a file) I know you're a busy man. I thought I would save you some time. That's my whole life in there. Every record, every achievement, every failure, all the way back to the day I was born.
      Lex: And I'm supposed to just swallow all of this?
      Professor Fine: You wouldn't be the great Lex Luthor if you did. You'll spend a fortune checking and rechecking, convinced what you believe must be true.
      Lex: And, uh, what is it I believe, Professor?
      Professor Fine: That everyone is hiding secrets as dark as yours.

    • Buffy: Welcome to the most prestigious and exclusive sorority ever at Metropolis University. We are the richest. We are the prettiest. We are the best. Over the next few days, many of you will be disappointed, but if you are insanely cool and very, very lucky, you might just be chosen to be a Tri Psi and if that happens, it'll change your life forever.

    • Clark: You know, Central Kansas University has plenty of housing still available and...
      Lana: ...and they have you, but they don't have any of the courses I'm really interested in, especially astronomy. It's not going to be that bad. We'll talk to each other on the phone all the time. Don't worry. Nothing's going to change between us.

    • Delivery Boy: What about your pizza?
      Sorority Girl: You're so much better than pepperoni.
      (the sorority girls begin feeding on the delivery boy)

    • Chloe: (voiceover) Pauline Kahn had thrown down the gauntlet. The woman had two Pulitzers and I had a high school service plaque and absolutely no idea where my next big story was going to come from. Little did I know, that ten blocks away, it was about to bite me in the ass. Well, more like the neck, but we'll get to that later.

    • Clark: Is Lana here?
      Chloe: Hey! Yeah, what's left of her. Pledge party. Higher learning at its best. See if you can breathe some life into her. I'll be at the library, researching ways to kill my roommate.

    • Lana: What the hell are you?
      Buffy: We're Tri Psis, the hottest vampires ever.

    • Chloe: I got in on the ground floor of my dream. Okay, so it's actually the basement, but it's the Daily Planet. The paper of record for kings, presidents, and prime ministers...not to mention future superheroes. The way I look at it, I had no place to go but up, up, and away.

    • (Chloe holds out a cross in front of herself)
      Lana: Oh, sweetie. Heh. This isn't a movie.
      Chloe: (voiceover) Never confront a vampire when they're hungry, even if they are your best friend.

    • (Clark superspeeds to Chloe's dorm)
      Clark: What do you got?
      Chloe: Besides a heart attack?

    • Chloe: (to Lana) Wow your first official day on campus and you're already hung over. Maybe you are sorority material.

    • Chloe: Working at the Daily Planet...it's always been my dream.
      Kahn: Well we all have to wake up sometime, don't we, Sullivan?

    • Clark: Costume party?
      Chloe: It's the perfect cover for us to get in there and poke around.
      Clark: I hate costumes.

    • Kahn: (to Chloe) Then you must have done something to piss Lionel off, because he got you fired. I remember that day – I believe we had cake.

    • Chloe: By the way, I changed the names to protect the vapid.

    • Chloe: Okay, for someone with a keen weirdar, I can't believe I did not see the signs. But I defy anyone to tell the difference between a nascent vampire and a freshman girl with a hangover.

    • Chloe: Welcome to the Tri-Psi Sorority house. I think that's Greek for "bimbos, bikinis and beer."

    • Buffy: Oh. Didn't we tell you? You get to live forever.
      Lana: Cool.

  • NOTES (8)

    • Injoke: Clark's comment about hating costumes refers to the fact that, in the future, Clark Kent dresses up in a costume (Superman) in order to hide his true identity.

    • Deleted Scenes:
      1. Lana and the other girls listening to Buffy's speech on the sorority.
      2. Lex administers the cure to Chloe, after which she proceeds to tell Lex about Lana.

    • In England, depending on the time of day this episode is broadcast, you either see Lana bite Clark's neck (at the later hour) or the scene is cut just as she is moving down to bite him.

    • Music By: Esthero (Wicked Lil' Grrrls), Martin Grech (Unholy), and Bauhaus (Bela Lugosi's Dead)

    • On the episode's first airing, clips of music videos were featured from the upcoming Metropolis Mix collection. Clips included Josh Kelley's "Almost Honest," Diamond Nights "The Girl's Attractive," and Breaking Benjamin's "Forget It."

    • At the end there is a "In Memory of Kimberly Regent" post. Kimberly Regent was a prop master on Smallville and many other shows, and died May 10, 2005 of lymphatic cancer.

    • Carrie Fisher is listed as Special Appearance By. James Marsters is listed as Special Guest Star.

    • Annette O'Toole, John Schneider, Erica Durance, and John Glover do not appear in this episode.

  • ALLUSIONS (8)

    • Kahn: And tall tales about slaying Buffy the Vampire...
      Along with the villainess' name of Buffy Sanders, this is an in-joke/homage to Buffy Summers, the title character from the television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

    • Zorro
      Clark dresses as Zorro, the legendary Spanish hero of the California people that served as an inspiration for Batman. Clark makes note that he doesn't like the mask, but he likes the cape. Superman, of course, wears no mask but is famous for his red cape.

    • Pauline Kahn
      The character's last name and general position/authority alludes to Jeanette Kahn, onetime Publisher and President at DC Comics.

    • Bat references:
      Clark escaping through the window references Batman in the comics, who would always leave through a window after talking to someone when they weren't looking. The wind would then blow the curtain, as what happened here. There is also a long focus on a bat decoration for the Halloween party, another Batman homage. Finally, Clark finds an article entitled "High School Senior Survives Bat Attack in Cave". Batman's hideout was the Batcave.

    • Chloe: ....up, up, and away.
      This phrase was used in every episode of the 1950's syndicated series The Adventures of Superman.

    • LuthorCorp Project 1138
      A homage/reference to George Lucas' movie THX 1138. This allusion was made in this episode because of guest star Carrie Fisher, who starred in George Lucas' Star Wars movies.

    • Chloe: It's the the Daily Planet, the paper of record for kings, presidents, and prime ministers...not to mention future superheroes.
      In almost all versions of Superman, the Daily Planet is where he works in his Clark Kent persona.

    • Professor Fine: Clark, there's no such thing as vampires.
      Referencing James Marsters' role as Spike, a vampire with a soul, on the shows Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel.

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