Granted, this is a work of comedic fantasy, but hopefully you will get a chuckle out of my personal take on it.
It's been over 30 years since the last episode of Soap aired and I think it is safe to say they are not going to continue it. So I am taking it upon myself to offer some closure for fans of the series and share what happened to everyone in the 5th non-existent season.
Jessica Tate, whom everyone suspected was killed by the Malaguay firing squad...was shot and killed by the Malaguay firing squad.
Chester Tate, who was challenged to a duel by El Puerco was killed by El Puerco in that duel, but not before killing...
his new wife Annie and Danny Dallas when he found them in bed together.
Billy Tate was eventually caught up to by his ex-teacher Leslie Walker who finally succeed in the construction of the exploding vest with killed both of them.
Corinne Tate, shortly after moving to California, was killed in an L.A. riot (not the Rodney King one. This was way before that one. It just didn't get as much television coverage).
Father Timothy Flotsky returned to the priesthood. He died on Palm Sunday from choking on a communion wafer.
Eunice Tate was strangled to death by Dutch in a jealous rage (It's about time!).
Dutch likewise was killed. By the state of Connecticut for the murder of Eunice Tate.
The Major is alive and well to this very day. He currently manages a successful chain of Army-Navy surplus outlets.
Mary Campbell as a result of her alcoholism died 6 years after the close of the series from cancer. (Actually this is the true fate of actress Cathryn Damon. Sorry).
Burt Campbell was killed in the gangster ambush as would be expected. C'mon, he walked in there with a bat for Pete's sake!
Chuck and Bob Campbell adopted Mary's flying baby. All three currently do 2 shows a night together in Vegas.
Jodie Dallas is still alive, though he continues to think he's Julius Kassendorf. He spends most of his time wondering how he could possibly live to an age of 127.
Benson DuBois, well, just refer to his spin-off. I can't say I ever watched it.
The Tate's second butler Saunders found a loophole in Jessica's estate paperwork after her death. He now lives comfortably in the Carribean.
And to wrap up a few of the lesser characters...
Barney Gerber died. His ticker finally gave out.
Detective Donahue died in clumsy freak Cuisinart accident.
Ingrid Svenson and E. Ronald Mallu tied the knot. They were both killed on honeymoon in Malaguay by revolutionaries lead by...
El Puerco, who finally succeeded in bringing democracy to Malaguay. Sadly, he choked to death on a pork chop bone at his Inauguration dinner.
Juan One succeeded El Puerco as Malaguay president. Currently he's the 4th richest man in the world.
Chief of Police Tinkler shot himself in the head trying to clean his gun.
Maggie, the private eye, confronted Dr. Rudolph who to placate her, hypnotized her and makes her think she was a bird. Maggie repeatedly pecks at the doctor causing an embolysm in his brain to rupture killing him. She then attempts to fly out of the 16th story window plumeting to her death.
Gwen, the prostitute, died of AIDS. Who didn't see that coming? She was a hooker!
And last but not least Quarterback Dennis Phillips retired from NFL. He now runs a gay sports bar called "The Tight End".
Confused? Well you shouldn't be, but if you are it's just something you'll have to live with since there will no longer be anymore episodes of...Soap.