Son Of The Beach
FX (ended 2002)
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Season 3
- Ep 14Bad News, Mr. Johnson (3)10/1/02
Wrapping up the three-episode story and the series as well, Notch continues his battle with Colonel Kooze as SPF-30 makes plans for a triple wedding. Unfortunately for the team, Colonel Kooze has a final surprise for all. - Ep 13Jailhouse Notch (2)9/24/02
Notch is convicted of the war crime and goes to jail, where he meets all sorts of unsavory characters, but soon he breaks out and begins his search for Colonel Kooze so he can clear his name. But there are some surprises back at Malibu Adjacent. Notch's brother Harry is working for Kooze, and part of their evil plan is for Harry to court and propose marriage to Kimberlee. Kimberlee falls for it and accepts Harry's proposal. Meanwhile a court rules against Porcelain and her claim on "Snuggles'" will, with the result being that she's now homeless.moreless - Ep 12Taco Lips Now (1)9/17/02
Notch's past catches up with him, as he is wrongly arrested for war crimes concerning the destruction of the village of Tam-Pon. But, Notch can't defend himself--his last promise to Colonel Kooze was to never tell what really happened there. Meanwhile, Porcelain marries the decrepit tycoon, Nick "Snuggles" Pappasmearos, so she can inherit his money--but she'll have to contend with his family, including Nick Jr.moreless - Ep 11The Long Hot Johnson8/27/02
Notch's old wet nurse, Aunt Jizzy, and company come to him with stories of Klan activity in South Malibu Adjacent and a scheme led by the notorious Bull Cracker to cheat them out of their homes. Notch joins the all-white South Malibu Adjacent Country Club to find out the truth, with Jamaica posing as his fiancee. Bull and his boys are about to make a move on Notch, Jamaica and Kimberlee, but they are rescued by a couple of unlikely allies: Bull's wife, Pussy Willow, and Porcelain. Also, Chip and B.J. try to help out by going undercover as a married brother and sister.moreless - Ep 10Empty the Dragon8/20/02
Notch travels to Japan with Kimberlee, Chip and Porcelain for the Nagasaki Fried Chicken (NFC) Karaoke Championships. To Porcelain's dismay, the blonde Kimberlee gets all the attention from the press. Notch gets involved with Binaka, whose crazed vegetarian father has concocted a formula that turns a chicken into a giant beast which is rampaging through Tokyo. The giant chicken captures Kimberlee and things look grim when the Japanese troops prepare to blast the big animal, but Notch comes to the rescue. Also, Chip visits a geisha house, where he gets a big, unexpected surprise.moreless - Ep 9Godfather Knows Best8/13/02
Jamaica is shocked when Vinnie Fellachio claims to be the father she has never known. - Ep 8Hamm Stroker's Suck My Blood8/6/02
The Lifeguard of the Year convention at Malibu Adjacent becomes serious when foreign lifeguards start getting killed, and Notch has to watch over his Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein. - Ep 7You Only Come Once7/30/02
Stinkfinger didn't get workman's compensation from an explosion that occurred where he was working and he seeks revenge by trying to control the weather around the world. Notch's friend comes to help as Kimberlee, Porcelain, and Notch try to foil Stinkfinger's evil plan. Meanwhile, Jamaica finds out that her mom is a TV talkshow host named "Okra" and that she had abandoned Jamaica when she was little.moreless - Ep 6The Gay Team7/23/02
Young men begin disappearing from the beach, and Notch discovers that Heinous Anus been taking them to the alternate reality known as the Gaytrix. After Chip vanishes, Notch infiltrates the Gaytrix with the help of Captain Entenille and attempts to put an end to the Evil Gay Empire. Meanwhile, Porcelain's marriage heats up because of a scheme thought up by B.J. and Jamaica.moreless - Ep 5Witness for the Prostitution7/16/02
Notch is honored at S.U.C.M.A. with the opening of a lavatory science building named after him. But Notch smells something fishy at the campus when a student commits suicide and Ellen loses her job as house mother at the I Eta Pi sorority. Meanwhile, Kimberlee's mother comes for a visit, and Porcelain begins her relationship with the decrepit millionaire, Nick Pappasmearos.moreless - Ep 4Three Days of the Condom7/9/02
When Notch's gang finds out that B.J. has gone missing from her D.C. internship, the gang travels to find her. After they find B.J. with amnesia and pregnant, Notch questions her employer, Congressman George Bukaki, and SPF-30 is embroiled in a government conspiracy. Back home, Chip must try to stop a purse-snatcher at the annual Lez-Aid Faire, where Porcelain is scheming to get famous by playing for the other team.moreless - Ep 3In the Line of Booty7/2/02
Notch's "Just Say Notch" program finally ends the violence between the East Side Rappers and the West Side Rappers--until "Biggy" is injured by a masked man in a Jet-Ski drive-by shooting. Meanwhile, Porcelain becomes an eager beaver when she mistakenly believes that Professor Milosevic can finance her film career. - Ep 2Saturday Night Queefer6/25/02
Johnny Queefer returns to enter a dance contest in hopes of reaching Broadway--but Notch begins having flashbacks about his own dance contest failure at the hands of Tony Manure, and he outlaws dancing in Malibu Adjacent. - Ep 2Penetration Island6/18/02
Tex Finklestein hatches a plan to boost the ratings of his UBM network--he signs Notch and the gang to star in a new reality show, Penetration Island, to be filmed on the island of Bulimia. Unfortunately, Dirty Sanchez and his rebels want their homeland back, and the show's contestants face a bigger challenge than they had planned on.moreless - Ep 1Penetration Island, Part I6/18/02
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Season 2
- Ep 15Booger Nights7/17/01
Chip's sister, Eva Rommel, is forced into becoming an adult-film star by Vinnie Fellachio, and Notch goes undercover to rescue her. Also, Mayor Massengil hires Chippie to escort her to the governor's party.
'' - Ep 14Area 697/10/01
After B.J. is impregnated and abducted, Notch's old Vietnam/F.B.I. buddy Captain Enteneille warns him to stay off B.J.'s case. Notch heads to the famous secret desert installation, Area 69, to find the truth. Back in Malibu Adjacent, Chip and Professor Milosevic enter a local talent contest and are signed by a TV network executive to star in a situation comedy.moreless - Ep 13Grand Prix7/3/01
Notch must defend the honor of America in a three-quarter midget car race vs. a man from France. The Frenchman, who goes by the nickname "The Frenchman", is married to Notch's old flame, a beautiful French maiden named Nicorette. After her reappearance on the scene, Notch realizes she's a hard habit to break. Meanwhile, B.J. and Jamiaca help save a lesbian bar from going under.moreless - Ep 12The Sexorcist6/26/01
Jamaica returns from her vacation with gifts, including a strange bottle. After B.J. is given the bottle, she becomes possessed by a demon. It's up to Notch to exorcise B.J., despite his past failures in casting out evil spirits. Meanwhile, the mayor's sexual harassment of Chip threatens her career when an uptight reporter, with political aspirations of her own, gets wind.moreless - Ep 11The Island of Dr. Merlot1/19/01
B.J. and Notch find themselves trapped on the Island of Dr. Merlot after a plane crash. Meanwhile, Mayor Massengil declares Kody as the new head lifeguard. - Ep 10It's Showtime at the Apollo 13!6/12/01
Jamaica is chosen as the first black lifeguard in space aboard the shuttle Catastrophe; Notch goes undercover at the Robert Downey, Jr. Senior High School when a student hacks into the shuttle computer and endangers the mission. - Ep 9It's a Nude, Nude, Nude, Nude World6/5/01
The Nude-lympics come to Malibu Adjacent, and someone is killing the beautiful, naked women. The mayor wants to cover up the story, but SPF-30 tries cracking the case. Meanwhile, Kimberlee is unaware that her new date is actually the murderer. - Ep 8A Tale of Two Johnsons5/29/01
When an evil crime syndicate clones an operative to look like Notch, the Gang is suddenly seeing double. The real Notch Johnson must stop "Evil Notch" from wreaking havoc in Malibu Adjacent. Can Notch beat himself? Also, Kimberlee's old boyfriend, a musician, comes to town and tries to get Kimberlee to come back to him.moreless - Ep 7Chip's a Goy4/24/01
SPF-30 heads to the Middle East for a vacation. Their visit with Notch's Israeli counterpart, Noccus Johnstein, is cut short, however, when evil terrorist group HUMMUS kidnaps Notch. Meanwhile, Chip falls in love with Noccus' daughter, Chcch, and agrees to convert to Judaism. He soon finds this means giving up much more than he bargained for.moreless - Ep 6Light My Firebush4/17/01
Notch hires Firebush as a life guard. Also, B.J. is reunited with her mother, Ima Cummings, but her stepdad has evil plans for them both. - Ep 5Queefer Madness4/10/01
The beach is terrorized by a gang of bad boys. - Ep 4Rod Strikes Back4/3/01
The Divine Rod escapes from prison and wants his revenge on everyone. Also, Chip's dog swims from Germany to Malibu Adjacent and challenges Steve. - Ep 3Remember Her Titans3/27/01
Jamaica's boyfriend has a problem with gambling, and his leg is broken after a bookie asks him to throw a rigged football game. Notch decides that he will fill in for him at the game. Meanwhile, Kody's father comes to Malibu Adjacent from the U.K. to ask Kody to go back and live with him.moreless - Ep 2From Russia with Johnson3/20/01
Notch and his unit must stop a Russian terrorist. - Ep 1B.J. Blue Hawaii3/13/01
Notch and the gang go to Hawaii to be honored by the Hawaiian Tropic company. Notch meets up with an old friend and discovers that his daughter is a drug lord, so he and Kimberlee team up to stop her. Meanwhile, Jamaica and B.J. enter the Miss Hawaiian Tropic Contest. Also, Chip pretends that he is gay so that the mayor will stop her advances.moreless
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Season 1
- Ep 13Mario Putzo's... The Last Dong9/12/00
Vinnie Fellachio returns to terrorizes the beach.''Chip's sister, Ava Rommel visits him, and puts the moves on B.J. - Ep 12Attack of the Cocktopuss9/5/00
When the Cocktopuss sets shores on the beach, the mayor wants it as another wonder of the world.''''Chip sings for a rock band.
- Ep 11A Star Is Boned8/29/00
The glamour of Hollywood is hitting the beaches of Malibu Adjacent: the fabulous stars, the adoring crowds, the death threats. Notch Johnson joins the case when actress Regina Streep is almost killed on his beach. Can Notch find the assailant before they grab Regina? Also, Jamaica runs a bachelor auction. - Ep 10Day of the Jackass8/22/00
Malibu Adjacent is hosting a peace conference between China and Africa, and Notch has been banned from attending. That would be no problem, except Notch's old Army Secret Ops buddy, Captain "Buck" Enteneille has shown up and wants to go. It's even more of a problem when Notch sees him going anyway, with a sniper rifle. Can Notch stop Enteneille from ruining the conference, and still keep his friendship with Buck? Tune in. Also, Jamaica falls in love with an African prince.moreless - Ep 9South of Her Border8/15/00
When Notch and the girls travel to the South American nation of Humidor to stop a military coup, they end up in prison instead. The shackles aren't so bad, but the all-bean diet? Ai, ai, ai. Can they escape in time to stop the coup? While the others are gone, Chip runs a junior lifeguard program.moreless - Ep 8Miso Honei8/8/00
When the world's most dangerous tsunami, Miso Honei, is detected rushing at Malibu Adjacent, the Mayor senses a media event and tries to get Notch to surf it. He refuses until the Mayor grants a parole to the only other surfer capable of surviving the wave, Adolf Manson. Manson's bad boy image wows Malibu Adjacent's impressionable children. Will Notch jump on Miso Honei for the kids and ride it safely to shore? Also, Chip and B.J. fall in love and decide to quit the force.moreless - Ep 7Eat My Muffin8/1/00
When B.J. muffs a save, she goes into an identity crisis and ends up in the care of The Divine Rod, who runs a home for lost women. Notch discovers that The Divine Rod also runs a website where people pay to watch the women as he gives them "treatments". Under Notch's direction, Kimberlee infiltrates the cult and snatches its secret: psychotropic drug-laced bran muffins that render the patients into willing and submissive slaves. Meanwhile, the Tetherball Invitational Tournament is in town.moreless - Ep 6Fanny and the Professor4/18/00
Mayor Massengil plots to replace Notch with the Professor's three beautiful robot lifeguards. - Ep 5Two Thongs Don't Make a Right4/11/00
When little Peter disappears on the beach, Notch and SPF-30 mobilize to find him. Also, Mayor Massengil's run for congress needs Reverend Green's support, who insists on banning thongs from the beach...and B.J. is connected in an unexpected way. - Ep 4Love, Native American Style4/4/00
Notch is distraught when his step-father, local Indian Chief Pokemon, passes on, and a local casino developer convinces the Kahonee Tribe to construct a casino on their land. The deal's crooked, and Notch must change Mayor Massengil's mind about issuing the construction permit. Meanwhile, Chip's South American relatives need money, so Chip moonlights as a male stripper.moreless - Ep 3In the G-Hetto3/28/00
When Jamaica is blackmailed into running drugs for a gangsta, Notch insists upon taking her place as the "mule". After all, who else can swallow 12 contraband-filled condoms and then swim to Fuego Island? Also, Chip enters the Mr. Pec pageant. Mayor Massengil is the judge, and she's got a guaranteed way for Chip to win.moreless - Ep 2Silence of the Clams3/21/00
Malibu Adjacent is host for spring break's Crabapalooza, but an eco-terrorist has an agenda to close down the beach. Can Notch and his unit solve the mystery in time? And will B.J. save her virginity from the deceitful frat boy, Chad? - Ep 1With Sex You Get Eggroll3/14/00
The Mayor wants head lifeguard Notch Johnson out of Malibu Adjacent, and she's recruited Kimberlee Clark to join his squad to get the low-down on him by wearing a mini-camera. She thinks that her work is done when Notch decides to bust enslaved girls from a bordello from the inside, by posing as a customer. If the slavers don't get Notch, the Mayor's video will. Or will Kimberlee help Notch to save the day?moreless
