South Park

Season 11 Episode 2

Cartman Sucks

Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Mar 14, 2007 on Comedy Central



  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Detective: So, you say you were robbed?
      Cartman: yes. A photograph. And I know who took it: His name is Kyle Brofoski.
      Detective: If it's a photo, what's the big deal? What don't you just print out another one?
      Cartman: It's a big deal, okay?! That picture is my propertah, and I want it back!
      Detective: Okay, what is the picture of?
      Cartman: Why-why does that matter?
      Detective: Well, how're we gonna find your picture, unless we know what it is?
      Cartman: Alright, it's a picture of me.
      Detective: Yes?
      Cartman: It's a picture of me, and um...what appears to be, a my mouth.
      Detective: You were sucking somebody's penis.
      Cartman: No! No, I was not! I was asleep and this person just put their penis in my mouth--without me knowing--and took the picture.
      Detective: I see.
      Cartman: Yes. Now, it may appear in the picture, that I'm actually looking at the camera lens and smiling--with the penis in my mouth--and giving a thumbs up. But I assure you, I was fast asleep.
      Detective: Well, we'd have to get a warrant first--approved by a grand jury.
      Cartman: I don't have time for that! We have school tomorrow, and I know that Kyle is going to show the picture to everybody, during show-and-tell!
      Detective: Well then, you're screwed.

    • Cartman: Where is it, you filthy Jew?!
      Kyle: Where's what?
      Cartman: You know goddamn well, what!
      Kyle: Let go of me!
      Stan: What the hell are you doing, Cartman?
      Cartman: I went home to alter the picture of me with Butters' penis in my mouth to look like Kyle, but it was gone! What did you do with my picture?!
      Kyle: Knock it off, I don't have your stupid picture.
      Cartman: Give it back, Kyle.
      Kyle: I don't have it!
      Cartman: I swear to God, Kyle, if you don't give it back right now, I'm gonna break your fucking Jew legs right here
      Kyle: Shut up.
      Cartman: You shut up! You're lying, and you two are covering up for him. You know what-you're just like Jews yourselves! Stan, you're a Jew, and Kenny, you're a Jew. You're all Jews!
      (Kyle lightly hits Cartman)
      Cartman: Ow! Ow! Owwww!!!
      (Cartman runs away, crying)

    • Butters: Hey, fellas!
      Cartman: Oh, oh, hey, Butters. I wasn't expecting you so soon.
      Butters: Yeah, I finished my chores, so I came over a little early. Hey, are you guys all sleeping over, too?
      Cartman: No, no, these guys were just leaving. Weren't you guys?
      Stan: C'mon, let's go.
      Kyle: Wait-wait, I can't let this happen. Butters?
      Butters: Yeah, Kyle?
      Kyle: Don't you think it's a little strange, that Cartman keeps asking you to stay over?
      Cartman: Kyle...
      Butters: What d'you mean?
      Kyle: I mean-
      Cartman: What he means, is that he's jealous, that you've taken his place as my new best friend. But grow up, Kyle, change is a part of life.
      Butters: Yeah. Grow up, Kyle.
      (Kyle sighs angrily; Him, Kenny and Stan leave)
      Butters: So, what do you wanna do first, Eric? You wanna play a game, or just chitchat for awhile?
      Cartman: Well, actually Butters, I think we'd better hit the hay pretty soon.
      Butters: But it's only 6:30.
      Cartman: Yeah, and I'm exhausted. If you're not sleepy yet, I have some more of that nighttime cold medicine that you can drink.

    • (Cartman entered the kitchen in tears)
      Mrs. Cartman: Eric, Poopsie, what's the matter?
      Cartman: I... don't... wanna go to school tomorrow!
      Mrs. Cartman: Sweetie, tell Mommy what happened.
      Cartman: Kyle... has a picture of me... and he's gonna show everyone during show and tell... and, and everyone's gonna laugh at me!
      Mrs. Cartman: Oh, now why would he do that?
      Cartman: Because he's jealous of how much smarter I am than him. So he's gonna show everyone the picture.
      Mrs. Cartman: What is the picture of, Eric?
      Cartman: Last time, when Butters stayed the night, I was being really nice to him, and I was gonna take a picture of him for his mom to have...
      Mrs. Cartman: Oh, that's nice.
      Cartman: But then, right when I took the picture, Butters got really hot, so he pulled his pajama bottoms down, and then I tripped and fell down and my mouth landed right on his penis, and then I thought of something funny so I smiled up at the camera and gave, like, a thumb's up, and then Kyle took the picture from me and he's gonna show it to everybody and make them think I'm gay!
      Mrs. Cartman: Oh, there, there, sweetie. It'll be okay. These things happen.
      Cartman: But, Mom, I've been trying to get the picture back, but he won't give it to me.
      Mrs. Cartman: It's okay, Eric. I'll have a talk with Kyle's mother.
      Cartman: You... you will?

    • Head Counselor: You both do understand that we're trying to save your souls from eternal life in Hell?
      Butters: Well, sure, I guess!
      Bradley: Only through Christ can we cleanse our souls.
      Head Counselor: And you do know the rule, which states that no impure or immoral images are allowed to be seen by the eye?
      Butters: Well, yeah. Sure!
      Bradley: So let's purify ourselves from everything that makes the body or soul unclean, Corinthians Chapter 7.
      Head Counselor: Then do you mind telling us why we found this 1979 Sears men's underwear catalogue in your room.
      Bradley: That's... that's mine.
      Head Counselor: You know this is strictly forbidden!
      Butters: I don't understand. What's wrong with underwear?
      Head Counselor: What's wrong? This is what makes you confused! Don't you get it? This is confusing you right now, isn't it?
      (The counselor got up from his desk to wave the pages of the catalogue in Butters' face)
      Butters: Yes, it's all very confusing!
      Head Counselor: This is just as much your fault, Butters. Bradley is your accountabilibuddy. That makes you accountabillibuddyable. Both of you boys' behavior is jeopardizing all of the work we're doing here to save these kids!
      (A gunshot is heard)
      Head Counselor: Oh... no. Right, for having contraband in your room, you will both do penance by writing scripture for the next four days.

    • Head Counselor: Do you know why you're here at camp, Butters?
      Butters: Because I'm bi-curious?
      Head Counselor: That's right. Like all the campers here, you're confused. And you don't think there's a way out. But even though some people would have you believe you can't control how you feel, the truth is that with the power of Jesus Christ, you can be normal. Now, just to make sure you don't slip up while in camp, we assign every camper an accountabilibuddy. Let's meet Ryan, your accountabilibuddy. Ryan thought he could never change, but now he's learning that with the power of Christ and prayer, he can have a whole new life.
      (Head Counselor opened the door to Ryan's room to reveal the boy's lifeless body hanging from a noose. Wordlessly, the counselor closed the door and continued the tour)
      Head Counselor: Over this way, we have the cafeteria. All the meals are served there.

    • Head Counselor: Oh, Lord in Heaven, don't jump, Bradley!
      Bradley: Stay, stay back. I'm an abomination of God.
      Head Counselor: No, no, we're fixing you!

    • Stephen: Father Maxi I... just don't know where else to turn. You see I've just learned that my son is bi-curious.
      Father Maxi: Is that true son? Are you felling confused?
      (Butters looks around)
      Butters: Yeah, i'm pretty confused alright.
      Stephen: You see.

    • Linda: What's going on you two?
      Butters: Nothing mom, I'm just a little bi-curious.

    • Kyle: If you put somebody's wiener in your mouth, that makes you gay, stupid!
      Cartman: Nuh-uh!
      Kyle: Yeah-huh!
      Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me gay, huh?
      Kenny: That makes you really f***ing gay.

    • Cartman: This picture, I'd like to call The Pierre. I invited Butters to stay the night and while he was sleeping I made a mustache on his face with cat poo.

    • Butters: I am sick and tired of everyone telling me I'm confused! I wasn't confused until other people started telling me I was! You know what I think? I think maybe you're the ones who are confused! I'm not gonna be confused anymore just 'cause you say I should be.

    • Bradley: You're really terrific Butters.. I mean, I think you're great! (pause) Uh oh! Oh God! Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts!
      Butters: What's the matter?
      Bradley: I think, I.. I think I like you...
      Butters: Well, I like you too Bradley!
      Bradley: You do?!
      Butters: Well yeah!
      Bradley: You like like me?!
      Butters: Sure! I like like you a lot lot! (laughs)

    • Chris: (with an angry expression) Well Butters, we might as well go home. Looks like you're never gonna change.
      Butters: No, I like being bi-curious!
      Chris: Well you know something...(bends down towards Butters)... so do I.
      (Butters and Chris laugh)
      Butters: Wait... now I really am confused.

    • Cartman: ...and this photograph I took of a sunset near the power plant, note how the contrasting images make a statement about our impact on the Earth. Which brings us to my last picture...(clears throat)...this picture you find somewhat controversial.
      (Cartman presses button revealing the photograph)
      (Everyone gasps)
      Bebe: Ew!
      Clyde: Dude...
      Cartman: Yes, this is a shot on a 5.6 aperture using a low-light filter, you can see the grain from the high-speed film, there's sort of a penis in my mouth right here, and the low-depth of field keeps the background soft.
      Mrs. Garrison: Eric, what the hell is this?!
      Cartman: What this is, is a statement against the war in Iraq. It's wrong that we still have our troops there, IT'S WRONG! And what I'm saying is...
      (Mr. Mackey is seen at the doorway interrupting Cartman}
      Mr. Mackey: Uh... Eric Cartman, we've got an emergency message from your mother. (Reading note) "Do not show picture, Kyle didn't have it after all. Found it under your desk." (finishes reading), she said you know what that means...m'kay. (leaves)
      (Cartman remains silent, screen pans over to Kyle who has a flat expression on, and pans back to Cartman)
      Cartman: (deadpan tone)...Lame.

    • Liane Cartman: Uh, Sheila, I'm sorry to trouble you with this, but apparently your son has a picture of Eric with another boy's penis in his mouth.
      Sheila Broflovski: (stunned) Excuse me?

    • Butters: My name is Butters, I'm 8 years old, I'm blood type O and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay, because if I'm bi-curious and I'm somehow made from God, then I figure God might be a little bi-curious himself!

    • Cartman: It's the greatest picture ever, oh my God!
      Stan: What did you do to Butters this time?
      Cartman: It was genius, I waited till he was totally asleep, right, and then I got my camera and I pulled down his pants and I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!

    • Stephen Stotch: A secluded camp where lots of bi-curious boys are all put together? That sounds like a good idea!
      Butters: Oh boy, camp!

    • Butters: I'm bi-curious!

    • Chris: I know your secret now Butters!

    • Cartman: You guys I got it! It's seriously! It's the greatest picture ever, oh my God!!
      Stan: What did you do to Butters this time?
      Cartman: It was genius! I waited till he was totally asleep, right? And then I got my camera, and I pulled down his pants and I took a picture of his wiener in my mouth!HAHAHAHA!!!
      Kyle: Dude!
      Cartman: I know, I know check it out look! I got his whole wiener in my mouth see! (laughs) Man I got him good!
      Stan: Dude how is putting Butters' wiener in your mouth getting him!?
      Cartman: Because that makes Butters gay now!
      Kyle: No dude, that makes you gay!
      Cartman: (surprised) Uh-what?
      Kyle: You put a guy's wiener in your mouth that makes you gay stupid!
      (Cartman looks at the picture for a short while)
      Cartman: Nuh-uh!
      Kyle: Yeah-Huh!
      Cartman: Kenny, that doesn't make me,huh?
      Kenny: (muffled) Hehe,that makes you very F***ing gay!!!
      Cartman: But I'm not,I'm not gay you guys!
      Stan: You are now.
      Cartman: No,no it was a stupid mistake!!!
      Kyle: Doesn't matter, you're gay now.
      Cartman:No,it was just for a second!!! Wha-What can I do, how can I reverse this!?
      Stan: You Can't!
      Kyle: No,no,wait! I know how you can reverse it Cartman.
      Cartman: How!?
      Kyle: The only way you can cancel it out is to get Butters' to put your wiener in his mouth.
      Kyle:Yeah.Then it cancels out the gay polarity.
      Cartman: Shit! I gotta find Butters!!!(Cartman runs off to find Butters)

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest:

      Butters' accountabilibuddy, Bradley, is similar to Billy Bibbit from the 1975 film, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, played by Brad Dourif.

    • But I'm a Cheerleader:

      The entire plot with Butters at 'Camp New Grace' is an allusion to the 1999 film, But I'm a Cheerleader -- in which a cheerleader is accused of being a lesbian and is sent to a similar rehabilitation center to "fix" her.

    • Ted Haggard: Pastor Phillips, the counselor who was "cured" of his confusion, may be an allusion to Ted Haggard, who went to counseling to make him heterosexual after a man outed him.

    • Adobe Photoshop:

      Cartman: (to Kyle) I'm going to go home and photoshop the picture so that it's your face with Butters' wiener in his mouth!

      Eric is referring to a popular image-editing program called Adobe Photoshop, which gives the user the ability to manipulate pictures with extraordinarily real results.

    • LIFE:

      When Cartman comes to find the picture, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are all seen playing Living which is an allusion to the popular board game, Life.

      This game was also played by the Harrison's on Family Fun Night in All About The Mormons?.

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