South Park

(Damien is having an appointment with Mr. Mackey, asking why the other kids don't like him just because he burns and kills them) Mr. Mackey: Wh-wh-what you need to do, uh, Damien is...is to be overly nice. See, n-no matter how mean the other kids are to you, just don't retaliate. Err, be passive, mmm'kay? That's what I taught the little British boy, Pip, an-and just look at how much the other children like him now! (scene changes to the playground, a group of kids are gathered around Pip) Clyde: I bet I could spit the most on him! (spits on his left shoulder Bebe: Oh, yeah? I bet I could spit in his hair! (spits in his right eye) Pip: Oh! Nice try! A little higher and you've got it!

Mr. Garrison: Children, children! Today is a very special day. Cartman: No, my birthday isn't until Saturday. Mr. Garrison: I'm not talking about your birthday, Eric!

Woman: What's happening? Chef: Come over here if you're scared women, I'll protect you. (Mr. Garrison clings onto Chef) Not you dammit!

Cartman: Do-do-do-do-do-do, here you go Kyle,Cartman hands Kyle an envelope. and here's yours Stan,Cartman hands Stan an envelope. Kyle: What is this Cartman? Cartman: There invitations to my birthday party this weekend! Stan: Oh sweet! Your mom is giving you a big party again this year? Cartman: That's right! Music plays because it's my birthday! B-b-b-b-birthday!Music ends Kyle: Kick ass dude! Cartman's mom throws the best birthday parties EVER! Cartman: (smiles) That's right! Stan: Yeah, if my mom can cook like Cartman's mom, I'd be a big fatass too! Cartman: That's righ- HEY!!!

(Jesus went outside, leaving the bar when the people changed there vote from Jesus to Satan and saw Stan, Cartman, Kyle, and Kenny) Stan: Hey Jesus! Jesus: What are you doing out so late kids? Kyle: We have to find Red Megaman and Green Megaman for Cartman's party. Jesus: Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan right? Stan: Sure dude, you're the son of God. Kyle: Yeah. You're not having any doubts are you? Jesus: N-No no! But could you help me train a little?

(recess attendant blows the whistle) Recess Attendant: 5 minutes till recess is over you little bastards!

(boxers always drink raw eggs while getting in shape) Cartman: You guys, shouldn't you be out shopping for my birthday present? Kyle: Here Jesus, drink these raw eggs. Jesus: No way dude! Chef: I-I-I cant! I can't hit Jesus Christ! My mother will never speak to me again! Stan: But you're his fighting partner Chef! Kyle: Yeah! You have to hit him! Jesus: Satan must be defeated Chef! Please help me train. Chef: Ok, but I'm just gonna tap you alright? Jesus: Give it your best shot! (Chef punches Jesus on the face) Oh! Chef: Oh god in heaven! What have I done? Jesus: Anybody got the number of that truck? (Jesus faints)

(Satan just intimidated Jesus and the crowd at the fight's weigh-in) Jimbo: (looking at his fight betting ticket) Well, I think I…I think I left the oven on.. Mr Garrison: I think I left your oven on too!

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Jesus: Thou must take me to the seedling of Satan so that I may confirm the truth.

Mr. Mackey: Now why do you think the children like you? Damien: Because… I'm the son of the Devil. Mr. Mackey: Mmkay, now there's a start. Why else? Damien: Because I… burn them and kill them?

Jesus: You're all a bunch of Judases!

(After seeing Jesus in the schoolyard.) Priest: Look, it's that guy from the public access show!

Pip: Oh Eric, I didn't get an invitation. Cartman: Oh, really?! Gosh! Where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see, Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation… Oh! I remember! I shoved it up my ass! Yes, that's right! I wrote it out, put it in an envelope, sealed it, and then shoved it right up my ass, forever ruining any chance you had of coming to my birthday party! Sorry, Pip ol' chap!

Pip: Oh, good day Damien, my name is Phillip, but everyone calls me Pip because they hate me. Damien: Then I will call you Pip. Pip: Right-o.

Cartman: Wendy, you are to get me the Yellow Mega Man. Which was supposed to be a gift given by Kenny, but Kenny has been turned into a duckbill platypus.

Mr. Garrison: Holy poop on a stick!

Cartman: And Kyle got me red Mega…(opens gift) Ants in the Pants? Ants in the Pants? (angrily) ANTS IN THE PANTS!? Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun! Cartman: You son of a bitch! (leaps on Kyle) You were supposed to get me the Red Megaman! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap! Kyle: They were all out of them, dude! Cartman: I hate you! I want you to die! (Kyle screams) That's it! Party is over! Everybody go home! (turns party switch off)

Stan: Hey Cartman, how come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Megaman." Kyle: Yeah, mine says "Red Megaman." Cartman: Right, that's what your supposed to get me for my birthday. Stan: DUDE!?!?! You're not supposed to tell people what to give you for your birthday! Kyle: Yeah, that's weak. Cartman: Look it's very simple guys. "Green Megaman" goes with "Red Megaman" and "Yellow Megaman" to make the "Ultra Mega Megaman." You have to have all 3 or it doesn't work, see? Stan: Up yours Cartman, I'll get you whatever the hell I want. Cartman: Ohh!!! so maybe you don't want to have any of my moms Cake, Pie, and Ice cream then. Stan: Oh "Gre..Green Megaman" it is. Cartman: Now as you can see Kenny, you are to get me "Yellow Megaman," that's because the "Yellow Megaman" is the cheapest one and I know how poor your family is. (Damien walks to table) Stan: Hey!?!?! what do you think you're doing new kid? Cartman: Yeah, you can't sit with us weirdo. Damien: Infidel's!!!! I will turn you all into "Beasts of Burden"! Kyle: You can't sit with us new kid, go find another table! (Damien goes and sits with Pip) Cartman: (sighs) Anyway Kenny, "Yellow Megaman" is only $8.95, so maybe your mom can put it on layaway and make payments in a year, or two. (Stan, Kyle, and Cartman laugh. Kenny punches Cartman) Cartman: AYYY!!!!

Damien: I'm sorry that I ruined your playground, and turned your friend in to a duck-billed platypuss. I didn't have a choice! I was doing my father's bidding. Cartman: (Farts) Oh, Sorry, new kid. I didn't mean to fart on you, I didn't have a choice! Stan: Eww, new kid, you smell like a fart. Kyle: Yeah, now we're gonna call you fart boy from now on. (Damien goes over to Pip) Stan: Goodbye, fart boy. Kyle: See ya. Pip: Well, how'd it go? Damien: Those boys farted on me, and called me--- Pip: Fart boy? Oh good! Perhaps they wont call me that anymore!

Kenny: (as a duck-billed platapus) Quack Quack.

Cartman: Sorry, Damien, I didn't mean to fart on you. Stan: Geesh, new kid, you smell like a fart. Kyle: They should call you "Fartboy" from now on. Pip: Now they can stop calling me that!

Mr. Garrison: Now Damien, where are you from? Damien: The seventh layer of Hell. Mr. Garrison: That's nice. My mother was also born in Alabama.

Cartman: Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Ay! Thanks for burning everything down ya little bitch!

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