South Park

Season 11 Episode 5

Fantastic Easter Special

1
Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Apr 04, 2007 on Comedy Central

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  • Quotes

    • (Jesus and Kyle are locked in a separate prison cell apart from Pope Benedict XVI's cell; Jesus furiously saws at a chain keeping the door closed with a file in his right hand)
      Pope: (in remorse) Forgive me, Jesus.
      Jesus: (furious about Bill Donohue) We'll never get out in time to stop him!
      Kyle: Don't you have any superpowers?
      Jesus: (throws the file away) Not as a mortal. Only in death. (pauses for a second, then realizes) Wait. That's it. We have no choice, Kyle. You're going to have to kill me.
      Kyle: (shocked) What??
      Jesus: Stab me with this. (brings out a small dagger) If I die, I can resurrect outside the bars.
      Kyle: (reluctant) N-no way! Do it yourself!
      Jesus: Suicide is blasphemy. There's no choice here, Kyle!
      Kyle: Dude, you don't understand, I'm a Jew. I have a few hangups about killing Jesus.
      Jesus: Just make it quick. (kneels down and hands the dagger to Kyle, then points at his own neck) Through the neck. I'll arise again immediately.
      Kyle: (looks at the dagger in dismay) Don't make me do this.
      Jesus: My son, there is no time! DO IT!
      Kyle: (still looking and pondering) Eric Cartman can never know about this.
      Jesus: (still kneeling, looking at Kyle) I understand. And Kyle... Happy Easter. (waits patiently for his moment of death and rebirth)
      Kyle: (pauses, then reluctantly) Happy Easter, Jesus.
      (He stabs Jesus in the throat, and at once Jesus stands up in pain with a gargling scream, his blood spewing everywhere from his throat; still screaming, he walks around for a few seconds while smearing blood on the wall, his choked screams and groans turning silent, then falls forward to the floor and dies; his halo falls from his head and rolls away with a metallic clink)
      Kyle: (in shock at seeing Jesus' body) ...Jesus?

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