Star Trek Season 2 Episode 15

Kirk: Does everyone know about this grain but me?
Checkov: Not everyone, Kepten - it's a Russian inwention.

Trader: Four credits.
Cyrano Jones: Is that an offer or a joke?
Trader: That's my offer.
Cyrano Jones: That's a joke.

Kirk: (to Nilz Baris) We have guards around the grain; we have guards around the Klingons, and the only reason they're there is because Starfleet wants them there. As for what you want, it has been noted and logged.

Scotty: When are you gonna get off that milk diet, lad?
Chekov: Milk? Why this is vodka!
Scotty: Where I come from, that's sodapop. Now this is a drink for a man.
Chekov: Scotch?
Scotty: Aye.
Chekov: It was inwented by a little old lady in Leningrad.

Korax: We like the Enterprise. We really do! That sagging old rust bucket is designed like a garbage scow. Half the quadrant knows it! That's why they're learning to speak Klingonese!
Scotty: [after Korax insults the Enterprise] Laddy, don't you think you should rephrase that?
Korax: (in Scottish accent) You're right - I should. I didn't mean to say the Enterprise should be hauling garbage... I meant that it should be hauled away as garbage!

Kirk: Scotty, you're... confined to quarters until further notice.
Scotty: Aye sir. Thank you, sir! That'll give me a chance to catch up on my technical journals!

McCoy: Do you know what you get when you feed a tribble too much?
Kirk: A fat tribble.
McCoy: No, you get a whole bunch of hungry little tribbles.
Kirk: Well, all I can suggest is that you open a maternity ward.

(Kirk orders a coffee and sandwich from the replicator, but instead gets more tribbles.)
Kirk: My coffee and chicken sandwich? (shows Spock) This is my coffee and chicken sandwich? (losing his patience) I want these things off the ship. I don't care if it takes every man we've got. I want them off the ship!

Nilz Barris: Captain Kirk, I consider your security measures a disgrace. In my opinion, you have taken this important project far too lightly.
Kirk: On the contrary, sir, I think of this project as very important. It is you I take lightly.

McCoy: And from my observations, it seems (the tribbles) are bisexual, reproducing at will. And, brother, have they got a lot of will.

Kirk: Too much of anything, Lieutenant, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.

McCoy: It's a human trait to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way.
Spock: Doctor, I am well aware of human traits, I am frequently inundated by them, but I've trained myself to put up with just about anything.
McCoy: Spock, I don't know much about these things, but I do know one thing. I like them...better than I like you!
Spock: Doctor, they do indeed have one redeeming quality.
McCoy: What's that?
Spock: They do not talk too much.

Spock: A most curious creature, Captain. Its trilling seems to have a tranquilizing effect on the human nervous system. Fortunately, of course... I am immune... to its effect. (begins cuddling and stroking the tribble, then stops himself when the crew look at him and leaves with Kirk)
McCoy: Lieutenant, do you mind if I take one of these down to the lab and see what makes it tick?
Uhura: Well, all right, Doctor, but if you're going to dissect it I don't want to know about it!
McCoy: I won't harm a hair on its head... wherever that is.

Baris: There must be thousands of them!
Kirk: Tens of thousands.
Spock: One million seven hundred seventy one thousand five hundred and sixty one.
(everyone stares at him)
Spock: That's assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of ten every twelve hours over a period of three days.

Kirk: As captain of this ship, I want two things done. First, find out what killed the Tribbles, and second... close that door.

Baris: Kirk, I will hold you responsible for this!
Kirk: Mr Baris I'll hold you in irons if you don't shut up.