Bill: Why didn't we stop after one kid? (Brian walks in twirling his baton) Oh, that's right. I wanted a boy!
Brian: You're dead for what you did to me.
Lauren: (sarcastic) Oh, and that's scary, 'cause you go to spy school!
Bill: Okay, Tina, here is your baton.
Tina: I can't use a toilet plunger as a baton.
Bill: Sure you can.
Brian: (on his baton) I call it 'Wonder Boy.'
Bill: 'Cause when you twirl it, we wonder if you're a boy?
Sarah: You know, before I went off to college, I used to fight with my brother all the time. Now I miss him.
Lauren: Aww. That's not gonna happen.
Brian: Yeah, Lauren's right. She's never getting into college.
Lauren: (scarfing down Bill's leftover pot roast) Maybe now he'll know what it feels like to be denied something you had your heart set on.
Judy: That is so mean and petty. You'll make a wonderful wife someday.
Bill: You show up with a college girl, you'd be a legend in your high school.
Brian: The guys in twirling squad would lose it.
Bill: I don't think the guys in twirling squad are ever gonna lose it.
Fitz: I had a secret admirer once. He gets out of prison in five years.
Brian: (after getting caught making out) Haven't you guys ever heard of knocking?
Judy: Yeah, we just never, ever, thought we'd have to.
Bill: There's a reason she's hiding her identity. She's either writing from jail, or she's a he. Or a "he/she".
Brian: A "he/she"?
Bill: Trust me, they're out there. Trust me.
Brian: So, Sarah, how do you like tutoring Lauren? It's okay, you can speak freely in front of her, just use big words.
Lauren: Like 'hopelessly desperate weenie-boy?'
Bill: A pity kiss is still a kiss, and you know what a pity kiss can lead to—
Judy: (pats him on tummy) Pity marriage.
Judy: Don't you think there's a little double-standard there?
Bill: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another different standard for Lauren. That way, they each get their own.
Judy: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next.
Music: The Stars and Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa
Brian calls his baton "wonder boy". This is an homage to The Natural, where Roy Hobbs names his homemade baseball bat the same thing.