Lauren: I'm gonna do what Tina does—write "I love you, Mommy" on a card, spell something wrong, mom cries, and 'boom,' I'm good.
Brian: Tina's eight. When you spell something wrong, mom cries for a different reason.
Helen: That old suitcase, it broke on the way up. Can you get me a screwdriver... and something to fix my suitcase with?
Bill: [Judy]'s not a hard-ass. She's a woman who loves us deeply and expresses it through fear and violence.
Judy: Hey, what a coincidence, my driver's license expires on my birthday.
Brian: Mom, everybody's does.
Judy: (sarcastic) Yeah, right Brian, everybody's license expires on my birthday.
Helen: That's really a wake-up call when your eyesight gets so bad it interferes with your gambling.
Actually produced for the third season, this episode was originally scheduled to air May 9, 2005.