More often than not, evil flies do not go into my face holes or crawl into my open wounds. There are a lot of reasons for this, but mostly it's because I have gotten very good at preventing this from happening. First of all, I have almost zero open wounds now that I no longer have a bobcat living in my car. Second of all, I own bug zappers. A LOT of them. Third of all, whenever an evil fly gets anywhere near my face holes I tend to swat it away, that's just a thing I do. But at the same time I realize that not all people have that kind of wherewithal and the threat of evil flies going into bodies is very real and very serious. For more hot tips on dealing with evil flies going into face holes and open wounds, maybe look up some tutorials on YouTube or something, I don't know. I wish I could be more help, but I have been vomiting bandages all morning and the bandage pile is starting to jostle. J/K J/K J/K
Guys, I was legit so sick last week. I have learned my lesson about eating proper food and will only eat safe things from now on like Starburst or whiskey. But thank you so much for all of your hilarious captions, I was laughing so much at what you came up with in the comments section and it really made me feel better in a real and tangible way. Thank you again. But I am back to full health and desperately need to discuss "De-Void"! How GOOD was "De-Void"! It was a very classic third-to-last episode of Teen Wolf, meaning it was a breathless, action-packed hour of set-up and revelation. I love whenever the entire team is wrapped up in insanity and this week had not only several brawls, it had widespread demonic possession, a trip to a metaphysical realm, two makeout scenes, an off-camera gay sex scene (at school!), and several absolutely disgusting moments of body horror. In fact, that is probably my very favorite thing about "De-Void": It was DISGUSTING. Remember back in Season 2 when a snake went into and out of Jackson's face? I still have not recovered from that, and this episode's repeated imagery of flies going into wounds was legitimately upsetting. Congratulations to Teen Wolf for grossing us out so perfectly! Still got it, dude.
Okay, let's talk about this thing!
You know it's going to be an eventful episode when Teen Wolf's all 'No time for a creepy cold open, we gotta pick up directly where we left off last week with a gunpoint standoff and 9-person fight scene, chop chop! (Literally).' So yeah, it all began with Sheriff Stilinski approaching his possessed son in Derek's loft and kindly requesting to handcuff him.
First Dark Stiles agreed to this but then he immediately busted out of the handcuffs like they were made of shiny pipe cleaners! That's when the B-team arrived and attempted to subdue him.
Allison tried to tase him but I guess Dark Stiles is full-on magical now, so it had no effect. He didn't even feel disrespected, that is how much tasers mean to him.
Derek ran across the room and tried to bite him but Dark Stiles just sorta conked Derek's head against the dining room table (which is a rude thing for a guest to do) and then threw him across the room.
Then the two dads got out their guns and suddenly everyone was pointing a gun at each other and shouting and it was just so much chaos. Oh, right, that's sort of the Nogitsune's thing! So yeah, chaos. But then the sun suddenly set and we realized why exactly he'd brought them all there.
Clever girl! That was actually really smart. The Big Bad hadn't necessarily lured them all there to harm them or cause them to harm themselves: He just needed protection when the sun set. Which made his earlier plea for carnage that much crazier, as apparently he'd jeopardize even his own safety just to mess with everybody. Anyway, then a fight broke out, it was all very Mortal Kombat. Then I guess during opening titles the Oni disappeared and so did Stiles. Then Scott and Kira FINALLY showed up to help.
Whoops, too late! I guess they'd spent too much time at school listening to Kira's mom tell them all the stories. Or maybe Scott was just a super slow motorcycle driver because in the time it took them to rush to Derek's, Kira's mom was already at Eichen House snooping around in the basement.
She enjoyed a nice quiet moment with a pinhead corpse and also she found that backwards-5 symbol that had been carved into the wall indicating that the person who had been buried there had been the sexy soldier that she'd loved rather than the Nogitsune, because remember she had trapped that fly in a jar and buried it under a huge tree. Just like in Forrest Gump but instead of Jenny, an evil fly.
Then Dark Stiles popped up and she started waving her black plastic knife at him.
But he snatched it away from her and used it for an inappropriate purpose!
That's right, in the first of what would prove to be a nearly endless series of disgusting moments, tons of flies flew out of Dark Stiles' wounds! And they were all evil flies that flew around town climbing into everybody's orifices and turning them into straight-up DICKS.
The first victim was Isaac, who was still in the hospital. But now he was awake! Which, cool, I'll take it. But also, watch out Isaac, there is an evil fly in you!
Meanwhile Kira went to go crash at Scott's house, partly due to the fact that she didn't trust her 900-year-old mother anymore, but mostly due to horniness.
I liked this moment where the previously insecure/confused Kira was the one to assure Scott that they'd save Stiles. I don't use this word a lot but this moment was DARLING.
Then Scott mouth-attacked her and they spooned. Meanwhile a nosy fly was watching them like a perv.
This must have been a bittersweet moment for Allison: She arrived home to see a statue of David come to life just chillin' on her bed!
Except he looked very terrible and was behaving like a creep. But you better believe she still definitely macked out with him, Allison is no dummy and HAS NEEDS.
This was VERY DISGUSTING:
Oh, just a fly crawling into Derek's open wound.
It made me laugh that he even didn't notice at all. Yes, werewolves have supersensory perception but NOT when they are discussing chess with their uncles.
Meanwhile in the locker room, Ethan had just finished a lacrosse tutorial with his boo and a fly went in one of his face holes and I guess that particular fly's version of being a jerk was to take his clothes off and have gay sex in the shower.
That fly was probably the most chill and cool fly of all the evil flies. Credit where credit's due, that fly was one of the heroes of this episode to be honest.
Meanwhile Lydia was driving her brand new product placement and the magical GPS was telling her to go find a body lying in a parking lot.
It was Stiles! Just sleeping on that asphalt like it was NBD, and I honestly really related to him here. We have all done this. But I guess he'd outran the Oni until sun-up, or maybe the Oni got distracted and went into the Big Lots to get tons of great deals.
Then a fly went into Aiden's ear, obviously, I mean were you expecting a fly NOT to go into Aiden's ear, get real.
Then Isaac woke up still looking very bad (compared to how he normally looks but very good compared to most humans) and he started yammering some things about how he wanted to clean up society or something. And that's when Allison realized he'd chained her to the bed! And not in a sexy way.
She looked mildly annoyed at worst because come on, it's Isaac.
So then the gang dragged Stiles back to Scott's house and he was teasing Aiden about his brother being in danger (LOL in danger of a shower sexin' LOL) but mostly he was being a jerk so they had to paralyze him with Kanima venom.
What do you think Kanima venom tastes like? I'm guessing bad. It probably tastes bad. Anyway, he was paralyzed and duct taped!
But then he started crying and Mrs. McCall took pity on him, having assumed that Stiles' personality had come to the fore again.
But it wasn't Stiles, it was Dark Stiles still, and he called her a dummy to her face!
Oh, also he monologued about how he knew all of her secrets. Apparently Stiles had overheard something important related to Melissa and Agent McCall's divorce (and it involved Stiles' dad!) and was now holding it over her head because if Scott found out he'd be super bummed. What do you think it is? Did Scott's mom have a thing going with Stiles' dad? That is very soapy but I'm BOUT IT. Anyway, we'll see how that turns out I guess. In the meantime they needed to fix Stiles stat and Lydia had the idea that they call in someone who was super knowledgeable about, uh, stuff.
Peter Hale! Obviously. I mean if he can bring himself back from the dead using a banshee and moon voodoo, then he can probably do anything. He is the MacGyver of the monster world.
So then meanwhile at school the evil flies made the twins fight each other.
But then the evil fly in Isaac made him attack the twins! It was a three-way brawl of hunks possessed by evil flies! Although, if you ask me, Evil Isaac's next move was not very cool:
Luckily Kira ran in with a sword and was wearing her best fightin' beanie and she cut the flaming handkerchief right off of Isaac's molotov cocktail! That is probably a sexual metaphor somehow but I'll leave it up to the poets to interpret it. Oh and Allison was there too, which meant that both of them were now in danger.
But as it turned out the fellas were more interested in wrestling with each other rather than them (typical hunks!) so they were safe for now.
Oh but remember that an evil fly went into Derek, so the next thing we knew he was tying up Mr. Argent and squirting him with so much lighter fluid!
Something about revenge for his mother or whatever, who cares, that fly was just being a dick.
Speaking of dicks (and we may never stop), today was finally the day that Sheriff Stilinski was to find out if he'd be fired or not. And guess what? The panel seemed VERY grumpy!
But then in a surprise twist, Agent McCall stood up and defended him! As it turned out, the whole "impeachment" thing was just so that Agent McCall could chill in Beacon Hills and be weird around his son for a bit longer. Sheriff Stilinksi immediately understood and empathized and seemed relatively cool with it.
Personally, I would not like to have a grassroots effort to impeach me used as means for someone else to sort through their family issues, but that's my personal preference. Anyway, Sheriff Stilinski is keeping his job, Agent McCall loves his son, and everyone seems pretty chill now. This was probably not the most interesting subplot of the episode but I am SO glad it's over now, how about you?
After a brief discussion in which Peter Hale and Scott decided that Scott should probably not give Stiles a werewolf bite, they decided instead to invade Stiles' thoughts! And also for some very hazy reason, Lydia needed to go with Scott. I guess as a vision quest guide or something? I don't know. But yeah, Scott plugged them both into a metaphysical realm like in The Matrix but with werewolf claws.
They immediately found themselves tied up in the Eichen House. Lydia had to remind Scott that even though they were in somebody else's brain, he could still bust through a leather belt if he wanted. So he did! But then only minutes later they were separated and Lydia was knee-deep in balloons.
Then the Nogitsune started shouting at her and slamming all the lockers and in real life she started bleeding out of her nose and Peter Hale had to shout at her to stop being lame.
Meanwhile Scott was stuck in a nightmare loop of his own: Kissing Allison in the closet!
I don't mean to sound controversial, but it's a testament to how much I like the Scott-Kira and Allison-Isaac pairings that it actually felt weird and uncomfortable to see these two kissing again. Am I allowed to admit such things? Is that okay? Also, did you guys know that Frozen is bad?
Oh, it turned out that inside Stiles' brain looked A LOT like the supernatural afterlife. But it was way more annoying because every time Scott and Lydia tried to run across the room they made no progress. It was all very frustrating, like being in line at Splash Mountain. But look who they found!
Stiles was just chillin' on that stump playing games with the Nogitsune. It actually looked very pleasant and I was sort of jealous, but then I remembered that one of them was an evil spirit with what I'm guessing is the worst breath. Also I don't know how to play Go, it looks super hard. If I had to play a game with an evil spirit I would probably choose Uno and believe me I would use ALL the skip-a-turn cards I possibly could.
Anyway, that's when Lydia had an idea of how to get Stiles' attention.
By screaming at him! It was a good idea and one I tend to use a lot in my daily life. And guess what? It worked.
Ha-HA! Stiles messed up that game of Go and I guess that's all it took to put the Nogitsune in his place so bad.
In real life all the hunks with evil flies in them started passing out and black ooze dripped out of their noses and mouths. Phew! R.I.P. Dick Flies.
And then this happened:
Stiles barfed up all the bandages! It reminded me of the Vomit Creature scene from Poltergeist II, but to be honest basically EVERYTHING reminds me of that scene, I think about it at least once a day, so today this scene from Teen Wolf most reminded me of it.
And then the Nogitsune climbed out of the pile of phlegm-soaked bandages because why not? But when the gang tackled him and ripped off his bandages, guess who was inside?
The REAL Stiles! Which meant that... Wait a minute, then who was the guy who just vomited tons of bandages onto the floor and also WHERE did he JUST GO?
WHOOPS! The Nogitsune is now an independent creature and he looks just like Stiles and he kidnapped Lydia! Holy moly, it is ON now. Scott looked super steamed and he ran out of there to go chase them. Get 'em, Scott! I honestly don't know if Scott got 'em because the episode was over. But that's what's known as a "cliff hanger" in the TV world. Next week we will learn more, I promise you.
"De-Void" was crazy! Just a crazy, disgusting, upsetting, but very entertaining hour of television. I'm not going to lie to you, I loved it. TWO EPISODES LEFT! Maybe we should start getting mentally prepared for how empty our lives will be in three weeks. Because man, this show is everything right now. Just everything.
... What did Mrs. McCall do?
... Can't Lydia just scream in the Nogitsune's face?
... Will Derek help Mr. Argent clean up all that lighter fluid?
... Are you glad Isaac is better?
AIRED ON 3/8/2016
Season 5 : Episode 20