Usually when we see monsters on TV we're not thinking about their spiritual lives. It's just like, hey what do you look like in a towel? Like, yeah monster, you regularly deal with profound issues of loss and fear and mortality, but are you fine as h*ck? That's the main thing we all wonder about TV monsters. But some of them have thriving internal lives full of wants and needs and fears, and it shouldn't come as a shock that many of them turn to religion to deal. And it makes sense that different monsters might gravitate toward different belief systems. Obviously witches are pretty into Wicca and aliens are into Scientology, but what about werewolves? What belief system do werewolves rely upon for inner peace? Finally, finally this issue has been addressed. At least according to "Orphaned," many werewolves are Buddhist. Sounds about right! All that meditation helps them control their werewolf urges probably. But now I'm suspicious that certain prominent Buddhists might secretly be werewolves? What was Tina Turner doing during the last full moon? Somebody please check into this, I'm too afraid to.
Anyway, yeah. Buddhist werewolves are a thing and THANK JAH for that. (What is Jah.)
"Orphaned" was a good and fun and eventful episode. Let's talk about it!
What kind of car is this? Is it a Tercel? A Honda Fit? I don't know cars very well. Doesn't matter, all that matters is Aunt Kate was sleeping in it.
But then she woke up and immediately did what you or I do whenever we wake up: check the tape player. And guess what she found?
The tape actually had a sweet spoken-word jam, something about the Hale family. Seemed like it was supposed to have been recorded by the Benefactor but it kind of sounded like Peter Hale to me, just my opinion.
So then we cut to four weeks/one month later and got THIS scene. Guys, this part where Kate walked through the carnage of an assassin massacre (a massacre of assassins) just gave me chills. Imagine going back to Season 1... at that time, did you ever think you'd see something like THIS on Teen Wolf? A were-jaguar lady teaming up with a giant monster with Freddy Krueger claws to murder tons of biker assassins (assassins who are bikers) like something out of T2: Judgment Day? Well, that happened in this episode.
So clearly Kate Argent found out about the dead pool and decided to lay waste to any assassins who wanted to take part in it. Just like in Season 3, I love that there are multiple factions of villains and they occasionally fight EACH OTHER. So entertaining/satisfying. Anyway, this captive dude didn't know NUTHIN' about no cassette tape and then another dude started firing his pistol at Aunt Kate.
Aunt Kate is not to be trifled with. Why don't these assassins know that by now?
Meanwhile at school, Violet had come to after Scott bonked her head against the wall (imagine waking up with your face pressed to the floor of a boys' locker room) and the sheriffs were leading her out and she kept eyeballing Scott like she was already fantasizing about using his death-money to buy the extra-big cheeseburger at Fatburger.
Meanwhile the hunk-jerk-dick-bully from the other lacrosse team was spitting yellow junk all over Deaton's office!
But I guess his perfect torso was too slippery and Derek's werewolf strength was fading so everybody lost their grip on him and he busted right outta there!
Fortunately Peter Hale arrived to do what he does best: harm teenagers. (So he's personally stealing all of Derek's powers, right?)
I guess the only way to cure a werewolf of yellow wolfsbane is to cut their chest and let them 'toot' it out. Yes we are talking straight-up chest farts and they do NOT look like they smell good. Just imagine that smell. No, go on, close your eyes and try and imagine what those chest toots must smell like. Not great, right?
This was what Scott found in Garrett's locker. And it was just in time, too!
The McCalls' power had been shut off! Now, don't get me wrong, I love that this season is dealing with the families' financial problems. That is a thing that would stress out any teen, and it's real and it's terrible. But I also don't understand. Why exactly is Mrs. McCall so broke all of the sudden? Is Scott's werewolf metabolism making the grocery bills too high? Can't she Extreme Coupon? And doesn't Agent McCall pay child support? Is he sleeping on the couch but not contributing toward utilities? Did the McCalls' bear bones get stolen also? I don't follow, is what I'm saying. And how come EVERYBODY got poor at the same time? Do they all bank at Gringotts? I have questions. Financial questions. Where is Suze Orman?
Meanwhile I guess Liam's friend now knows that Garrett and Violet were assassins, but he doesn't know about Liam's superpowers even though Liam openly demonstrates them in front of him.
Anyway, so then Liam got hit by a car.
It was Garrett! How did he know Liam would be running on that trail up ahead of his friend and then stopping to wheeze in the middle of the road and then how did Liam not hear the car coming from a mile away? Doesn't matter. All that matters is Garrett stabbed Liam with his poison dagger and dragged him away! Just one tiny boy kidnapping another tiny boy, no big deal.
Meanwhile at school Malia couldn't pay attention in class because literally zero of her friends had attended school that day and I guess nobody SnapChatted her to tell her. But then Derek resorted to his old tricks of creepin' around the high school and he recruited her for a secret mission.
I guess the hot lacrosse bully dude's pack was hiding in the woods and Derek needed Malia's help to find them. Also they were werewolf descendants from that one Japanese internment camp werewolf that set Kira's mom's boyfriend on fire. Oh, what tangled webs we weave.
Meanwhile the kids confronted Parrish about why his name was on the death pool:
GOOD SAVE, PARRISH. Wtf even are you? Besides A LIAR.
Oh, here's where Garrett took Liam:
A well! Liam was trapped in a well. Also he had poison in his system and was going to die unless somebody saved him. Which led to Garrett contacting Scott to make a deal:
Scott had to recover Violet from the authorities in order to get Liam back. Seemed fair. Just kidding, that did not seem fair, Garrett is a jerk. THAT ANGEL FACE THO. Hold on, brb.
Okay I'm back. FROM JAIL.
Meanwhile the kids decided they needed to chat with Meredith to get that third list uncracked, and Parrish took them to Eichen House for an illicit visit with everyone's favorite #2 banshee. But then that dick-orderly wouldn't let them in on account of being a dick. So then Parrish had to sorta-blackmail him about his DUI record.
Um yes, this is Lydia flipping him the double-bird, but it was so quick that clearly someone tried to edit it out and only weirdos who watch these episodes frame-by-frame every week could truly register it. But it happened. It happened!
So the plan was for Scott to, I guess, run in front of the FBI car that was carrying Violet (and Scott's dad and Sheriff Stilinski) or whatever and then Garrett would snatch up his girlfriend and they'd go be orphan assassins somewhere else where the FBI couldn't find them. Perfect plan. But then it was interrupted by the fact that the FBI car had ALREADY been flipped over in the road.
And when Scott ran over to help the Dads, Garrett just got out his lacrosse knife-on-a-stick and started waving it around at everybody like a jerk. WITH AN ANGEL FACE.
But then WHOOPS. He got his ass handed to him by a Berserker! He honestly shouldn't have waved his knife at that Berserker. Berserkers are basically impossible to kill and Garrett is, how do I put this kindly? A tinyboy. Anyway, it looks like he's probably dead now but I hope not? This show almost never kills bad guys, so why start now?
And then Scott got totally stabbed as well.
Also having a pretty bad time were our favorite banshee-interrogators.
But unfortunately Meredith no longer wanted to provide valuable exposition to our heroes, something about how the Benefactor wouldn't let her. Meaning she was in contact with the Benefactor somehow. Also her scream made Lydia's ears bleed, but you never know with banshees, maybe there were secret codes buried in her shriek. Stay tuned on that one.
This was cute:
I just love whenever Scott and Argent have moments like this. Argent is way more of a dad to Scott than Scott's actual dad is. But now they are partners too. So after yanking the Berserker blade out of Scott's body he made Scott smell it to get the scoop on where the Berserkers had been hanging out.
Meanwhile Liam was still in that well living out his very own Dark Knight Rises scenario:
I thought this part was ALSO cute, when Liam was reminiscing about the times Scott has helped him get control of his anger and all that. I am always going to be a sucker for this werewolf-on-werewolf mentorship stuff, and I'm glad Teen Wolf's writers didn't go full-brat with Liam. He seems like a sweet kid and I like how much he likes Scott.
So then Scott legit ran across the whole town on all fours while Argent followed along in his SUV. Seems like an awkward way to do things; hopefully Scott brings Purell wherever he goes. Then they showed up at the Argent family munitions distributorship which is out of business. Even though, you'd think that a town with this high of a death rate would be purchasing ammo like crazy, but times are tough all around I guess.
Anyway, Kate and the Berserkers had taken Violet and Scott needed to find Violet so that they could find out where Liam was. And Argent had a plan:
Meanwhile in the woods, Derek and Malia realized that the werewolf pack they were tracking was Buddhist so that meant they must be hiding in a totally separate part of the woods for whatever reason. But whoops, they were too late:
And guess who else was nearby?
Braeden! Guys, my guess is the Mexican Fratelli brothers did this, but who knows. I'm not thrilled about the idea that monsters are suddenly powerless victims all over town and they are constantly being murdered by regular humans, but whatever. We're in a definite monster holocaust situation now.
Meanwhile in the old Argent building, Aunt Kate made a splashy entrance.
And then they all fought! And everyone punched everyone and a Berserker carried Scott across the room and threw him on the floor. That's when he saw this:
Whoooops. Sorry, Violet. You look very dead now. Maybe next time don't be a 15-year-old assassin? (P.S. is there some kind of teen assassin training facility nearby? Like a Femme Nikita situation where they train orphans from birth? Let me know.)
But then it looked real bad for Argent:
Phew! Kate might be a monster but she's not a monster.
Then Liam got fed up with falling back in the well so much, and he resorted to Plan B:
SO GOOD. Just a couple of wet boys huggin'.
Meanwhile in Stiles' bedroom detective headquarters, he and Lydia guessed that the key names had been not just dead people, but maybe people also who MIGHT die in the future. So then Lydia closed her eyes and started typing, but instead of typing "LITERALLY EVERYBODY," she typed this:
Whoa, that list is even WORSE than the last one. Malia! Liam! Liz Moore! Just kidding, screw Liz Moore, she's on her own after what she did, she knows why.
But then, guess who removed HERSELF from the dead pool?
Aw, poor Meredith. She did not have the best life in my opinion. Just hanging out in a mental hospital where sexy teens would show up and ask for her help but then never invite her to hang out. Farewell, you weird lady. May you scream at all the angels in heaven.
Meanwhile they saved Liam's life by making his chest fart. And at that point Scott came to a major realization:
His new goal was to save EVERYBODY's lives on that death pool, including flesh-eating murderers, didn't matter. Scott was now against death in all way, shapes, and forms, and that is probably a goal that won't fail at any point for the rest of the season. Good luck, Scott!
Meanwhile Mrs. McCall was still hanging around being all bummed about being a poor person. But then Scott and Stiles realized that Garrett probably wouldn't need all his blood money anymore!
They also found another tape in his duffel bag:
Uh-oh. What did it meeeeeean? No really, what did it mean? Guys I'm so tired.
This was really disgusting:
Like, I get that Aunt Kate is a hobo, but why is she taking baths with SEWER WATER? That is truly gross. At least she used to be classier by taking sink-baths at the gas station, but this just made my stomach turn. Being a were-jaguar does not look very fun to be honest. Anyway, Peter Hale had shown up to offer Kate a deal!
First of all, Kate seems to be very chill about the fact that Peter Hale murdered her that one time. But anyway, the deal was that he'd help her control her were-jaguar powers and in exchange she would help him get "power." Over what? Not clear. Over Beacon Hills? Man, that town is one season away from becoming a shanty village. Over the other monsters? They currently seem vulnerable as h*ck, so no worries there. Or did he mean "power" like as in power over Kate in a sexy 50 Shades of Grey kind of way? That is too gross to think about. We know that he definitely wants his bear bones back, so that makes sense. But yeah, long story short, Kate and Peter are going to work together now. Because why not.
I liked "Orphaned," did you like "Orphaned"? I liked it. All the villains' schemes are getting more complicated and there was a legit body count in this episode that can't be denied. Poor Garrett and Violet. Poor Buddhist werewolves. (At least the hot bully dick jock jerk is still alive though?) But yeah, overall, this was a fun episode. This season is HAPPENING.
... What is Parrish?
... Who is the Benefactor?
... Is it cool or very cool that Buddhist werewolves can control their B.O.?
... How'd everybody get so broke?