I am not a parent and haven't been for at least a few months now, but I DO know a few of the main rules of parenting. In my opinion the first rule of parenting is, whenever possible, do not padlock your child in an unplugged deep freezer. That's rule #1 of parenting. The second rule of parenting is, if you are a single parent, try to work all night every night or maybe just be absent in general. Nobody really needs your input, least of all your visibly troubled teen. There are many more rules of parenting, but the last one worth mentioning is, if you live in a town where dozens of people in your peer group go missing or are murdered every few days, don't make a big deal out of it. Just let the local, under-equipped Sheriff and/or his teenage child handle everything. Oh, actually, my final parenting tip, and this is just hypothetical, but if you serve only Wild Berry LifeSavers Gummies for every meal for weeks on end, your children might personally call Child Protective Services on you because that's a jerk thing to do. All of the above rules are good rules for parenting.
The reason I've got parenting on the brain is that, as it turns out, Isaac is the #1 thing I care about in life anymore and "Unleashed" reminded us of just how messed up his upbringing was. It doesn't matter if a person looks like the Statue of David come to life, some traumas stay with you, and in Isaac's case some of his past hardships include getting beaten up a lot by his dad and also his dad and brother were murdered by a humanoid lizard because they'd hazed a kid to death at a house party. Isaac has had a difficult upbringing basically! It's no wonder that lately he seems on the verge of a meltdown; bench press supersets are only so effective when it comes to channeling your issues.
Anyway, it seems weird to talk about Isaac in "Unleashed" when I can just SHOW you Isaac in "Unleashed"! Also some other stuff happened as well, I'll mention some of that too I guess.
This week's murderrific cold open concerned a hunky high school senior and his ailing lapdog. After Scott and the weird veterinarian pulled a mistletoe pellet (?) out of the dog, it ran off into the shadows and its owner followed some whispers and stuck his hand under a dumpster and got BIT.
But it wasn't the dog who bit him! It was some other whispery shadow creep! Which meant the man had only one option: to stick his hand back under the dumpster.
Needless to say, it didn't end well for that guy!
Poor doggie. Maybe you can go live with Scott now. That is where all wet & cute things go to live.
So meanwhile Stiles was stressin' about being a virgin because so far three virgins had been ritualistically murdered. And that's when Teen Wolf busted out not one but TWO of its patented 'straight dudes openly joking about sleeping together' jokes. First Scott did a bit about how he'd de-virginized the missing dude from the animal clinic (I think? Did my wooziness from this scene in general make me misunderstand this part?) but Stiles did NOT think it was funny. AND THEN Danny and his cleavage overheard Stiles talking about needing to lose his virginity so he swooped in and offered to BONE STILES.
And Stiles CONSIDERED IT.
AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:
And yes, the possibly drug addicted, mentally troubled P.E. coach openly checked out both guys. So in other words everything about this scene was perfect and it most likely ruined all of our lives forever because we are all dead now.
So anyway, in P.E. class the kids were, I guess, doing their cross-country running unit, as high school P.E. classes do. Isaac, who had been held captive in a bank vault for several
months days where he apparently bench pressed Erica Boyd the whole time, came to discover that those Alpha Twunks were also in his P.E. class and man, he HATED those guys.
But I hate to be the bearer of good news, but I think I love these twins now. I mean look at their faces when they run! Just a coupla murderous teddy bears.
Anyway, then 100% of the P.E. class' werewolf population broke off into the woods so that they could all THROW DOWN.
Unfortunately after some pretty minor tussling they were all interrupted by the unmistakable shrieks of someone who's just discovered another murdered student.
It was the guy from the animal clinic the night before! And according to the baffled looks on the twins' faces, our heroes surmised that the Alpha Pack was probably not behind the murder.
Speaking of the Alpha Pack, they really know how to interrupt a good werewolf workout.
Derek got stabbed through the chest with a pipe! I have not yet been stabbed through the chest with a pipe, but it looked pretty painful! Not lethal though, don't worry.
So then Deucalion The Blind tottered into the room and I realized that so far the only downside to his physical disability is that he keeps accidentally buying child-sized sweaters. Anyway, he was there to yammer about some werewolf junk, whatever.
Beacon Hills High has a worrisome shortage of teachers considering how many of them are pulling double duty lately. Like, here's this lady, the guidance counselor, barking French into everybody's faces. It even woke Allison up!
MRS. ARGENT! I know she was just a momentary and hallucinatory flash in the mind of a grieving daughter, but still: This is what joy feels like, dear reader. COME BACK PLS. (Is it probably too much to hope that Mrs. Argent is in the process of resurrecting HERSELF much like Peter Hale had once done? Just wondering. Just desperately, desperately wondering.)
So this guy's still teaching. It's not clear how many warehouse raves he's attended since the last time we saw him, but it's always nice to see a familiar creepy face!
This part was great & weird: Isaac got super mad in class and asked to go to the bathroom so that he could hallway tussle with some twunks.
But then, they didn't attack Isaac! One of them just started whaling on the other!
And seriously, this was the look on the one twin's face when it was happening:
So creepy! I don't know about you guys but I am so glad these twins are starting to have personalities.
Anyway, Isaac was momentarily baffled about what was going on, but then it became clear: He was being framed!
Haha, oldest werewolf trick in the werewolf book. Inflicting tons of pain on yourself in order to get some dude thrown into detention. Classic!
Stiles' dad was mad that Stiles was openly questioning the murder victims' loved ones about their virginity statuses. In this case, the newest murder victim wasn't a virgin so some new motive must be in effect. Also as a sidenote, did you notice that THE FBI were in town to help investigate the murders? WHAT ON EARTH? Is that ALLOWED? You're telling me that dozens of murders in a suburban town wouldn't be completely ignored by national law enforcement authorities? Guys, I'm confused. I guess I assumed that mass murder was NBD but maybe I was wrong about that. Anyway, good luck, FBI!
At some point Boyd walked up and said a line about how the newest murder victim was in ROTC and then he walked off. Very helpful, thanks Boyd!
So, Allison also had gotten detention because she wasn't completely honest with her French teacher/guidance counselor about why she'd been loitering in the abandoned bank where her werewolf friends were being held captive and forced to fight to the death. That sort of thing gets you detention at Beacon Hills High, but on the upside it meant she got to spend some quality time locked in the supply closet with Isaac.
I guess I'd forgotten this but in the Season 2 finale she almost MURDERED him. Fortunately for her, he wasn't really feeling like holding a grudge, so it was fine.
Mistakes were made, we've all been there. Anyway call me a softie but I like that these two are having sparks lately. It seems like there hasn't been any good romance since Scott and Allison called it quits, so this is a fun (and probably doomed) matchup! Also I'm starting to get the sense that Allison has a type, what do you guys think?
But the flirtation was short-lived because then the twunks blocked the closet door with a soda machine and Isaac suddenly had flashbacks to when his dad used to lock him in an unplugged deep freezer. It was actually very hard to watch! I mean YOU try and not have your heart hurt whenever Isaac is in distress! So yeah, then he wolfed out and tried to bite Allison. Fortunately Scott stepped in!
Fortunately he cooled down ASAP and Allison immediately forgave him for scratching her wrist. I think she understood that he'd been the victim of abuse. I think she also understood that JUST LOOK AT HIM. #Sorry
This happened when they teamed up to steal one of the twunks' motorcycles. That is also when THIS happened:
Perfect selfie. Perfect product placement. P.S. I know you are going to ask, so here it is: A cropped version of this photo that YOU can set as YOUR phone's wallpaper:
ENJOY YOUR NEW WALLPAPER!
So the revenge prank that our heroes pulled had to do with Scott bringing out a bunch of motorcycle parts during class in order to enrage the twunks and then one of the twunks ran into the hallway where Isaac was riding his motorcycle and then Isaac backflipped off of it and ran away so that it looked like one of the twunks ran out of class in order to stand beside a running motorcycle. It was the perfect prank and the twunk got suspended!
Haha! Mess with the best, etc. (I was really feelin' the performance of that girl standing behind Scott. She was a natural.)
I honestly don't know how long Derek had to kneel on the floor of his loft with a pole through his chest, but it seemed like all day? Anyway, Deucalion was making speeches about how it is essential for Derek to start murdering his own pack so as to absorb their powers and be worthy enough to join Deucalion's pack or else. I am not sure if I got that right. I am also not sure if Deucalion once effed Derek's mom or not, or maybe that was just him playing the dozens? Werewolf snaps. Who knows, werewolf culture is a mystery to me. Also, then lightning started happening and Deucalion had an announcement to make:
Haha okay, whatever, guy. I don't know what a Demonwolf is, but I have a feeling it requires A LOT of Febreze.
Meanwhile back at school Lydia had another fugue state incident in which she suddenly found herself in an incorrect classroom drawing a picture of an oak tree not unlike the one at the end of the new Teen Wolf credits. Also there was an abandoned smart phone (can't remember the brand name or any of its functions, blocked out that info immediately) on which there was a recording of the music teacher getting kidnapped and then someone pressing play on the Dark Knight Rises soundtrack. You know, that 'hoo ha, hoo hoo ha' chant. I know it was supposed to be creepy but it just made me start daydreaming about Bane again. Oh, Bane. Didn't we almost have it all?
At this point Stiles had the genius idea of asking pointed questions of a man he'd consulted with so many times in the past. The veterinarian!
He confirmed that the killings were druidic in nature, but not likely real druids because druids were mostly pretty chill, just somebody impersonating druids. Maybe? The most interesting part was that he implied that his entire purpose in life was to prepare for/fear the coming druid threat, so yeah. Three seasons in and we're finally figuring out just who the f*ck this guy is. Pardon my French & my guidance counseling.
So then it was time for one last hallway rumble, and you know what THAT means!
Unfortunately, just when the Werewolf Voltron started chasing Scott and Isaac, Deucalion the DEMONWOLF showed up to werewolf-cockblock them!
And the punishment he exacted was kind of hilarious!
This show is a special show and it has probably not ever been quite as special as in this scene. Just a very, very special show Teen Wolf is.
So after Stiles realized that the newest round of murder victims were military-themed, they remembered that the creepy, rave-attending teacher had a military background and was therefore in danger! Also when the teacher was grading tests, instead of traditional grades he wrote the letters of some evil druidic term. Another clue!
This was sad and felt terrible to all of our heart bones: Derek was worried that he'd probably have to murder someone in his pack and therefore kicked Isaac out of his loft. ISAAC! Yeah, it was for Isaac's own good, but hasn't Isaac been through enough, universe?!
Poor Isaac! His only family rejecting him once more? How much heartache can one golden-hued demigod TAKE?
Fortunately Isaac wasn't entirely out of options.
UHH YES. This turn of events, up to and including the wet t-shirt, was perfect. Best season ever.
Oh, the teacher HAD definitely been kidnapped. But before he was killed, he pleaded with the unseen killer that he'd 'done his part' or whatever. Which meant he was somehow involved in the overall druid plot? Which, wasn't this same teacher sort of in league with Peter Hale in the past? Or did I just dream that? Anyway, I still think Peter Hale is doing all this stuff. (Unless it's Mrs. Argent. COULD IT BE MRS. ARGENT?) Anyway #2, then he died.
Another regular-ish character bites the dust! Farewell, teach. May you attend all the teenage warehouse raves in heaven.
Guys I am not sure if tons of valuable storytelling happened in this episode, but the dark geniuses who write this thing still saw fit to grant us a whole bowl full of candy to tide us over 'til dinnertime. Locker room scenes. Brutal murder. Campy speeches. Hallway fights. Romance. Gay subtext. Gay surtext. Mrs. Argent. ISAAC. It is really hard to complain about all the good and fun things on display here. Now if you'll excuse me I have to get back to eagerly awaiting the next episode of Teen Wolf.
... Should Stiles lose his virginity just to be safe & if so with whom?
... Was Mrs. Argent's appearance a hallucination or foreshadowing?
... Do you approve of Allison and Isaac getting together?
... Which aspect of this episode most ruined YOUR life?