That '70s Show

Season 6 Episode 10

A Legal Matter

Aired Sunday 8:00 PM Feb 04, 2004 on FOX

Episode Recap

In the restaurant kitchen, Eric comes in and tells Hyde and Kelso that there are stewardesses out in the restaurant dining room, but Kelso, who was sleeping, isn't interested. He's tired because he's been studying for the police academy, and tells the guys that they're really picking on him. He gives an example: he was picked last to practise on the CPR dummy, and it had everyone's spit on it. Roy comments that Kelso must be this year's stooge, explaining that every year, the police academy picks one student to be the stooge, and he knows this because his brother was the stooge. He then admits that it wasn't his brother, it was him. Eric says that for that to be true, Kelso would have had to have been a screw-up all his life, then points out that Kelso has fallen off the water tower every year and Hyde says that Kelso once broke his arm wrestling with a dog. Eric adds that Kelso has eaten more change than anyone he knows and Kelso realizes that they're making a pretty good case that he's the stooge. Hyde says, "Well, if you're not, then there's a guy who's about to step on a rake that I really want to meet." [Opening credits.] [Scene change: Donna, sitting cross-legged, makes peace signs.] In the Forman basement, Kelso is shocked that he's the stooge. Jackie tells him that he should just accept it because that's the way things are. Hyde, Eric and Fez laugh at him, and Donna points out that they're ~all~ stooges. The scene then cuts to a black & white film in the style of a Three Stooges film, where Hyde, Eric and Kelso are the Stooges and Fez is the boss. Back in the basement, Jackie tells the gang that she just wishes that she could go back in time and give them all combs, because they had bad hair. Kelso says he needs to figure out if he's the stooge, and Donna recommends asking, but Kelso says that they won't tell him, then comes up with the great idea of breaking into the police station to look at his file. Hyde laughingly agrees that this is a great idea, and offers to help. Eric initially doesn't want to help, but when they start calling him a 'mama's boy' he changes his mind. [Scene change: Donna dancing.] In the Forman kitchen, Donna and Jackie are watching while Kitty makes fudge. Kitty tells them that the secret to good fudge is Kahlua; Jackie, picking up the bottle, comments that Kitty must make a lot of fudge because there's hardly any Kahlua left. Fez comes in and tells them that he got a letter from the INS and his green card is in; he has an appointment to go get it. Red says that there'll probably be a test before he gets the green card, because the U.S. doesn't let just anyone in, unlike Canada and France. At the police station, the guys break in using Eric's bobby pin, which he's been using to train his hair. They look around, and Eric asks "what's in there?" pointing at a door. Kelso tells him that it's the canine training room, where they teach the dogs to sniff out drugs. In the canine training room, in the circle, Kelso puts on a dog training collar and then shocks himself, using a remote control. He says that it hurts, but then he does it again; Hyde takes the remote control away from him and starts shocking Kelso while laughing. [Scene change: Fez dancing.] In the Forman livingroom, Jackie and Donna are giving Fez history lessons. Donna starts by telling him that the Statue of Liberty was a gift from the French, and Kitty is surprised to learn this. She says that she doesn't think that it's common knowledge, but Jackie points out that she painted her nails through two semesters of history, and even she knows this. Kitty gets a little angry, asking if either of them can make fudge? Donna then moves on to the Constitution, and Kitty says that she knows this one; it's 1776. Donna says no, that's the Declaration of Independence. Red comes in just as Fez asks them to move on to current events like the Vietnam War. Donna says that it was an illegal war that the U.S. fought and lost, which angers Red, who tells Fez that the U.S. didn't lose that war, it was a tie. At the police station, Kelso is reading his file, but it doesn't say that he's the stooge; he's still wearing the dog collar and Hyde is still shocking him. Just as they're about to leave, the Captain comes in and finds them there, asking, "What the hell are is going on in here?" Hyde answers, "I'm gonna go with 'you're in trouble.'" [Scene change: Eric and Hyde's faces in boxes as Kelso walks by.] At the police station, the Captain asks Kelso if he knows the penalty for breaking into the station; when Kelso says no, the Captain tells him that there is no penalty because no one's ever been stupid enough to try it before. Eric, trying to get on the Captain's good side, points out that his family bought a Christmas ornament at the last police auction, then pleads with the Captain not to call his parents, and tells him that his name is Fez. Kelso tells the Captain the reason why they were there and the Captain lets him in on a secret: Johnson was the stooge, but now it's Kelso. In the Forman garage, Red is quizzing Fez, starting with an easy question: where do you live? Fez says, "Amedica." When Red tries to correct his pronunciation, he just keeps saying "Amedica." The scene cuts to various questions that Red asks and Fez answers, using Red's particular philosophy of kicking commie butt, which makes Red happy; but Fez still can't say "America." Red decides to just go with "The United States." In the restaurant kitchen, Kelso comes in and tells Hyde and Eric that the Captain is looking for any reason to kick him out, and he just failed a test. Hyde tells him that the only solution is to break into the police station again, and change the answers on his test. Kelso thinks that this is the stupidest idea he's heard, but Hyde points out that since Kelso's already broken into the station, they won't be expecting him to do it again. Kelso sees the logic in this and decides to do it. Hyde and Eric both say that they'll help him again. At the INS Office, Donna and Fez are waiting in line; Donna tells him to relax, but he points out that it may be his last day in the States, so they should make love. Jackie comes in and says that she was proposed to three times on her way back from the bathroom. Donna points out that the men who proposed only wanted to stay in the country. Fez goes up to the counter, and after making some bad history jokes with the girl there, she tells him that there's no test, and all she has to do is see some identification, and then stamp his papers. Fez, elated by this, suggests that the two of them go out for dinner and more, but she tells him that she doesn't go out with married men. He informs her that as soon as he gets his green card, his marriage is over; she asks him if his marriage is fake, then points out that she hasn't stamped his papers yet. In the Forman kitchen, Kitty asks Red if he thinks she's smart? Red doesn't want to talk about that, and he's saved from doing so when Jackie, Donna and Fez come in. Fez has his green card and tells them that he overwhelmed the girl at the counter with his charm. Donna says that he cried until she stamped his papers out of pity. Fez says, "Yes, but I have charidma!" Red is disgusted by this mispronunciation. At the police station, Kelso is changing the answers on his test when the Captain comes in and catches them there again. Eric asks how he knew that they were there, and the Captain tells them that he sleeps there. He tells Kelso that he's out of the academy, but Kelso begs for a second chance, telling the Captain that he's going to be a dad soon. The Captain feels sorry for him, then wonders who would breed with Kelso? Eric helpfully points out, "It was a one-night stand, they were both a little drunk...." The Captain relents, and lets Kelso in on one more secret: there is no stooge. Eric asks what about Roy, and the Captain says that Roy wasn't the stooge; he was kicked out for shooting a police horse. He tells them to clean up and get out. After he leaves, Kelso says that he's learned an important lesson: "When your back is up against the wall, you should just tell 'em that you're gonna have a baby!" Eric says that they should all think about it, and Kelso suggests that they do that in the canine training room. [End credits: In the Forman livingroom, Kitty is testing Donna on history, asking her where the famous tea party was held. Donna says Boston, but Kitty tells her that that's the wrong answer. Donna points out that it's the Boston Tea Party, so Kitty double-checks the book, and says, "Oh...well, I'm going to have a Long Island Tea Party!"]
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