That '70s Show

Season 2 Episode 25

Cat Fight Club

0
Aired Sunday 8:00 PM May 15, 2000 on FOX

Episode Recap

In the Forman basement, Hyde, Jackie, Fez and Eric are playing Monopoly; Jackie says that it's just like real life, as she has the most money; Eric offers her his money if she'll go away, but Hyde says that having Jackie there is better than having Laurie there. Jackie gives him Monopoly money for the compliment; Fez asks if they can quit and start over; Hyde says no, and tells Fez not to turn the board over again either. Kelso and Laurie come in; Laurie tells Kelso that the next time they make out in the woods, they should take a blanket, as she has a twig in her shorts; Hyde says, "So does Kelso!" and they all laugh at the burn. Laurie tells Kelso not to wear "that stupid unicorn tie" to dinner tonight; she and Jackie trade insults over that, but Jackie runs out of good put downs; Laurie goes upstairs; Jackie over-turns the Monopoly board, then says, "Whoops." [Opening credits.] [Scene change: Jackie jumps in the air.] In the Forman basement, Jackie tells Hyde that Laurie makes her so mad; Hyde says that's what Laurie wants, and if Jackie wants to bug Laurie, then she'll have to be Zen, then explains that it means being at peace and aloof. Jackie wants him to teach her how to be Zen, but he says that it can't be taught, although it can be learned. Jackie doesn't understand; Hyde tells her that that was the first lesson. He says that they can try, and if she wants to learn, she'll have to do exactly as he says; Jackie agrees to this, and Hyde tells her that the first thing she has to do is polish his boots; Jackie starts to ask how that will help, but then stops herself and agrees to do it. Hyde calls her "Grasshopper" and tells her to shine. In the Forman driveway, Eric asks Kelso if he's really coming to dinner; Kelso asks why not, since Jackie dumped him and he needed a girlfriend, and Laurie is it. Donna tells Kelso that he's lame and sad, and that if he goes to dinner with Red, he'll get his just desserts. Kelso doesn't understand that and thinks she's talking about dessert; Donna asks Eric if she can come to dinner too; Kelso explains to them that it will be okay, because Red loves Laurie, and Laurie likes him, so that means that Red likes him too, adding that what father wouldn't like the guy who's nailing his daughter? In the Forman kitchen, Kitty tells Laurie not to have Kelso over to dinner, and that she should be an adult; Laurie says that Kelso is her future. Kitty points out that Kelso is sweet but stupid; Laurie says that he might invent something; Kitty just stares at her, then asks what Laurie is going to say to Red when he finds out? Laurie shouts, "He's my boyfriend and I love him, and you can't stop us from being together!" then asks how that sounded? Kitty stares at her again, then says that she forbids Laurie to bring Kelso to dinner; Laurie yells "I hate you!" at Kitty and storms out of the kitchen; Kitty continues putting cookies on the cookie sheet and mutters to herself that that's fine, because she loves Laurie... then adds "because I have to!" [Scene change: Jackie jumps in the air and falls away from the camera.] In the Forman basement, Jackie is saying "whatever"; Hyde keeps telling her to say it again. Jackie suggests that they move on; Hyde explains that she can say more by saying less, then demonstrates; he tells Jackie that she should be Laurie and he'll be Jackie, and tells her to insult him. Jackie tells him that he's stupid; Hyde says "whatever." He then explains that she should also use ambiguity, and tells her to ask him to a movie. She does, and he says, "That's cool," and explains that she doesn't know what that means; if he'll go to the movie or not. Donna comes in and asks Jackie if she wants to go to the mall; Jackie says, "That's cool." Donna asks what she means and Jackie gets excited that it worked, but then acts cool, and says, "Whatever." In the Forman dining room, the family is eating dinner; Kelso comes running in and apologizes for being late; both Red and Kitty ask, "What?" Then Kitty tells Eric that he forgot to mention that he'd invited Kelso to dinner; Eric grabs the box of chocolates from Kelso's hand that he was about to hand to Laurie and thanks him, but Kelso says that they were for Laurie. Red asks what's going on, and why Kelso has a gift for Laurie; Kelso tells him not to worry, as he brought a present for Red too; a five-pack of beer, adding that they were all out of six-packs; he puts down a six-pack that's missing a beer in front of Red. Hyde takes one of the beers, and Red stops him; Hyde tells Red to focus on the problem - that Kelso is dating his daughter. Red asks what's going on; Laurie tries to repeat the line that she practised on Kitty, but loses steam part-way through. Red tells Kelso that he has five seconds to get away from him and starts counting; Kelso stands there initially, but then runs out. The family sits there in silence for a moment, which is broken by the sound of a beer can being opened; Red looks at Hyde, who brings a can of beer up from under the table and puts it in front of Red. [Scene change: Eric jumps up and plays air guitar.] In the Forman basement, in the circle, Eric finishes telling the guys about dinner, and how it was eaten in silence; Fez says that he's glad that he's not Kelso, then realizes that Kelso has had a lot of sex, while Fez is still a virgin, and wishes he were Kelso. Hyde says no, that would be like knowing everything but not being able to convince anyone, then realizes that he's talking about himself; Jackie laughs, and then says that she forgot why she was laughing; Eric laughs and says that she's cut off. Fez tells Jackie that she's different somehow... her hair, her outfit, her red, puffy eyes; Hyde says that the difference is that she's Zen now, and offers a demonstration; Jackie mumbles incoherently with a mouth full of cookie; Hyde tells them that it's her first day. In the Forman living room, Red throws the newspaper down on the table and tells Kitty that he doesn't want Laurie dating 'that kettle head.' Kitty suggests that it's just a phase; Red points out that Kelso has been a kettle head all his life, but Kitty meant Laurie. Red is worried that they'll get married; Kitty points out that that will never happen, because Kelso would leave her when she got pregnant. Red says that he expected more, and says that he can see how the future will turn out; he imagines... 1997, Red, Kitty, Kelso and Laurie are having breakfast, which is being served by the Servitron 2000 (Fez); Kitty asks Kelso how the job hunt is going; he says that there was a short line at the unemployment office, so he was able to come home early and watch TV. Laurie asks Red if he'll help them, and Red says that he'll always help Laurie. Kelso points out that Laurie meant financial help; Red says that he knows what she meant. Kelso stands up and tells Laurie that it's time for their "nap"; Red says that he has to go to Saturn for business, but when he gets back, he wants Kelso to have a job. He puts on his jet-pack and blasts off... Red tells Kitty that he'll just tell Laurie not to see Kelso any more; Kitty says that's a bad idea, because if they do that, Laurie will just want to see him more. Red mutters that he'll have a heart attack before he gets his jet-pack. In the Forman basement, Fez, Kelso and Hyde are sitting there watching TV; Eric comes in and tells them how Red was yelling at him about Kelso, and then Eric said that Red didn't need to yell at him, as Kelso was just downstairs, and that he even offered to get Kelso for Red. Hyde laughs and says it's funny; Kelso says that he's not afraid to talk to Red, and points out that he gave him a five-pack, so Red had better apologize to him. Hyde sarcastically says that Red is all about forgiveness. Fez says Red is the opposite of that, then gets it. [Scene change: Fez dances on the screen.] In the Forman garage, Red closes the door; Kelso asks if they can leave it open. Red tells him to sit down, and that he's been thinking about Kelso and Laurie, and Kitty has told him that there's nothing that he can do about it, but she's wrong; he adds that he can kill Kelso, then laughs and says that it's a joke, and Kelso should laugh. Red continues that Kelso doesn't want him taking a personal interest in him, like the personal interest that he has in Eric. He says that Kelso should fly under the radar, and never mention his own name in the same sentence with Laurie's name; Kelso starts to ask a question, but is having difficulty following the rules. Red tells him that they're going to stay in the garage until Kelso gets it right; Kelso says that his parents will come looking for him; Red tells him that he was joking again. [Scene change: Kelso falls away from the camera; Jackie jumps in the air.] In the Forman basement, Laurie comes downstairs and insults Jackie, who just continues reading her magazine and says "whatever." Laurie asks if she doesn't have a lame comeback, and Jackie says, "That's cool." Laurie, getting angry, tells Jackie that if she really were cool, she would have been able to hold onto her one true love, adding that Jackie is a loser; she turns to walk away, and Jackie, in slow motion, throws down the magazine and dives on Laurie; they fall over the back of the sofa and fight; Donna, Fez, Hyde and Eric all stand around and watch. Donna tries to break them up at one point, but Laurie bites her; we hear Laurie shout, "Ow! My eye!" and the fight is over; Jackie wins. Laurie runs upstairs holding her eye. A little later, as Jackie puts ointment on Donna's bite, she tells Hyde that she wasn't very Zen in fighting Laurie, but Hyde tells her that where Zen ends, ass-kicking begins, and that's the final lesson. Jackie suggests that they do that thing where they all sit in a circle... [End credits: In the Forman living room, Laurie, sitting in Kelso's lap, tells him that the fact that he went into the garage with Red is great. He says yeah, we both had to fight for our love; Red's voice from the den says that he's coming in the living room now, and Kelso dumps Laurie off his lap and runs out the door.]
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