At the high school, Hyde and Eric are standing outside by the Vista Cruiser with Donna, looking at their report cards. Donna says that she got an "F" in English; Hyde says that he got a "B" in Spanish and then wonders when he started studying Spanish. Donna lights a cigarette; Eric is shocked and asks when she started smoking, and points out that it causes cancer; Donna says she knows that but she looks cool, so it's an even trade-off. She hands the cigarette to Eric to hold while she puts on her coat; he asks what she's doing, and she tells him that she's smoking and failing. A teacher comes out of the school and sees Eric with the cigarette; Donna tries to say that it's her cigarette, but Eric tells the teacher that it's his, and gets dragged in for smoking on school property. Hyde looks at Donna and says, "Dios mio, no es bueno!"
[Scene change: Donna jumps up towards the camera.]
At The Hub, Hyde comments that he's proud of Eric for getting his first suspension; Kelso asks why Eric was suspended, and Donna says it's because he's stupid. Kelso is shocked and asks if they can really do that? Donna says that Eric is just stupid; Hyde tells Kelso that the whole thing is just Donna's cry for help by being bad; she gets angry and leaves. Eric says that Red is going to kill him, and Hyde starts laughing about that. Kelso tells Eric that having a chick means sacrifice, and gives the example of his van, saying that Jackie wanted to keep a stuffed animal in his van, so he said yes, but only one, and it would be in the glove box. Jackie and Fez come in; Fez is carrying a suitcase, which Kelso asks about. Jackie tells him that it's filled with stuffed animals for the van, and although she knows that they agreed on one, she's changed her mind and she wants them all in there. Kelso meekly agrees; Hyde sarcastically tells him to ease up on Jackie and Eric reminds him that sacrifice is hard; Kelso and Jackie leave. Fez tells Hyde that his host parents have set up a blind date for him and the girl has a friend for Hyde, and the best part is that they're not even blind! Neither Eric nor Hyde laughs at this, but Fez insists that it's funny.
[Scene change: Fez dances on the screen.]
In the Pinciotti kitchen, Bob and Midge are getting ready to go out; Donna comes in and Bob tells her that they're going to Swingles, which is a singles bar; Midge says it's a swingers bar, then Bob says that it's both. Donna points out that they're neither, but they ignore her. She shows them her report card and tells them that she's failing; Bob says that it's very serious, and so Donna tells them that she knows she's done badly and she'll shape up. They both accept this, and tell her that they'll talk more when they get back from the bar. On the way out the door, Midge calls out, "Wish us luck!"
In the Forman kitchen. Laurie says "Welcome home, smoker," when Eric comes in the back door. She tells him that he's lucky that she answered the phone when the school called, and hasn't told on him. Red comes in and calls Eric "Mr. Smoker," and Laurie remembers that she ~did~ tell on Eric.
At The Hub, Fez is nervous, but Hyde tells him that he's there to help, unless the girls are "uggos," in which case, he's leaving. The girls come in; a blonde (Mary) and a brunette (Patty), and Hyde says that they're good looking. Fez looks over and says that he wants the blonde, but Hyde tells him that American custom dictates that since he's there to help Fez, he gets the blonde.
In Kelso's van, Jackie introduces the stuffed animals to Kelso; he says that he thought that she wanted just one animal in the van. Jackie points out that more of her things there will help remind him of her, and asks if he doesn't like thinking about her? Kelso tells her that of course he likes thinking about her, but he doesn't want her stupid things in his cool van. She storms out of the van and Kelso shouts after her that he didn't call her stupid, just everything she likes.
In the Forman kitchen, at dinner, Red congratulates Eric for getting suspended and asks Eric if he could be any dumber; Eric says that he doesn't smoke. Laurie tells Red that Eric is lying and that makes him a smoking liar; Kitty tells him that everything is fine, then hands him a picture of a cancerous lung. Red tells Eric that with the way he's screwing up his life, death would be a sweet release for him, and asks what Eric is going to say about the suspension in his college interviews. Eric imagines the interviews... the interviewer goes over his record and says that Eric is a model student, and has excellent grades, but then sees the suspension; Eric tells him that it was for smoking and coughs, and the interviewer says that they can't have a loser like him at Princeton and calls him a dumb-ass.
Eric tells Red that he's learned his lesson and asks to be excused from the table; Red tells him that he can go right after he smokes this whole pack of cigarettes. Eric asks if he's serious, and says again that he doesn't smoke; Red tells him that that's a load of crap, and tells him to light up.
[Scene change: Donna struts across the screen, Eric slides behind her.]
In the Forman driveway, Red is sitting on the back porch, watching Eric sweep the driveway. Bob comes over and says that he heard that Eric was suspended from school, then says that he thinks that Donna's problems are because Eric is a bad influence on her. Red suggests that maybe Bob and Midge's weird behavior is what's messing Donna up, but Bob doesn't agree and says that the truth sometimes hurts. Red says that a swift kick in the ass hurts too; Bob tells him that a kick in the ass isn't always the answer, then leaves. Eric thanks Red for standing up for him; Red says, "Keep sweeping, smoker."
In Kelso's van, he's driving along the road, very slowly, and Jackie is walking outside the van. Kelso is telling her to get in the van; Jackie is saying no.
In the Pinciotti kitchen, Eric comes in and asks Donna what she wants to do: watch TV, eat ice cream, or apologize to him; she apologizes and Eric tells her that she should be sorry. She asks if Red got angry when he found out; Eric tells her that surprisingly, it turns out that Red has a temper, and Bob doesn't like him now either. Donna kisses him and Bob comes into the kitchen; he yells at Eric to get out; Donna leaves while Eric tries to apologize to Bob, but then he gives up and leaves too.
At The Hub, Mary tells Hyde that the pastor told her that getting a "B" every once in a while is okay; Hyde comments that it's nice to meet someone who is the complete opposite of himself, then asks if she makes great punch; she does. At the other table, Patty is telling Fez about Malcolm X and rebellion; when Fez comments on Malcolm X, she says that she's surprised that he'd heard about Malcolm X in Panama. Hyde takes Fez aside and tells him that he's willing to go against American customs just this once; he'll take the brunette and Fez can have the blonde.
In Kelso's van, he's still driving slowly, telling Jackie to get in the van, but she won't. He threatens to leave; Jackie just says goodbye and continues walking. Kelso doesn't leave.
At The Hub, Mary talks to Fez about bingo; he asks if she's a natural blonde. Hyde and Patty find that they have a lot in common, and like all the same bands. Patty tells Hyde that mostly, she just listens to those bands to bother her dad; Hyde says that if they got a 12-pack and stayed up all night, it would probably really bother her dad, but she says that she can't do that because she has to study for a test. Hyde can't believe that she's going to study and points out that she has a tattoo; she tells him that she wants to rebel, but she also wants to get into a good college and then change the system from within, so she needs to study. At the other table, Mary tells Fez that her parents are away, and invites him to come over to her house, telling him that they have a hot-tub; the two of them leave for her place while Hyde sits there looking confused.
In the Forman driveway, Eric tells Donna that he thinks that Bob hating him makes him more sexy, and brings out his "bad-boyness." Kitty sneaks out of the house, and while watching the door, backs into the driveway and lights a cigarette; she doesn't see Eric and Donna. Eric scares her by asking what she's doing. Kitty tells him that he should do as she says, not as she does; Laurie comes out of the house and takes the cigarette from Kitty and takes a drag. Red comes out of the house; Laurie drops the cigarette on the ground and Eric steps on it to put it out, which Red sees. Red thinks that Eric is smoking again, but Kitty tells him that Eric is just imitating her. Donna admits that it was her cigarette and says that Eric doesn't smoke. Red thanks her for her honesty; Eric can't believe that Red is taking her word when he wouldn't take his. Laurie is upset that Eric's not in trouble, and goes in. Kitty tells Red that he has something to say to Eric; Red tells him that he did a nice job on the driveway, then turns to go into the house. Kitty won't let him go in until he says what she wants him to say; Red apologizes for not believing Eric, but then points out that Eric does lie a lot. Eric asks when he's lied, and Red tells him that he lied about the beer keg (in The Keg
, season 1, episode 6), the dent in the Vista Cruiser (in Stolen Car
, season 1, episode 14), and going out of town (in That 70s Pilot
, season 1, episode 1); Eric is surprised about the last one, and asks, "You knew about that?" Red tells him, "I do now!" Eric can't believe that Red is still holding those things against him; Red says he's sorry that he made Eric smoke all the cigarettes; Eric tells him that it's okay, because he kind of liked them. Red warns him to watch it; Eric says that the cigarettes would go well with some beer, and Red tells him that a swift kick in the ass does too.
[Scene change: Kelso falls away from the camera, Jackie jumps in the air.]
In Kelso's van, Kelso is still driving slowly and asking Jackie to get in the van; she's still saying no. Kelso gives up and tells Jackie that she can have the animals in the van, but only one. She bargains with him, saying she wants five; he says four, but she's holding at five, and he finally agrees. She kisses him, then says "six."
At Mary's place, in the hot-tub, Fez tells Mary that if she's trying to send him a sexy message, it's been received. Mary tells him that she knows that they made out in her parents' bedroom, and frenched in the pool house, but she has a boyfriend who's in college, and they're faithful to each other. Fez says that there are many ways to remain faithful but still have fun; she looks interested in this idea. Fez takes off his swimming trunks and holds them up.
In the Forman basement, Donna comes in and sits with Eric; she tells him that she told her parents the truth about the cigarette, and they grounded her. She seems to be happy about this. Eric asks what she's doing at his place if she's grounded; she says that she snuck out, and that she's a bad girl. Eric tells her that he doesn't want to tell her what to do, but failing classes isn't the answer to her problems, then adds that a lot of girls, when they're having trouble at home, go slutty. Donna says that he's right, and they should have sex right now. Eric asks if she really means that, and she says no. He hits her on the shoulder and tells her to stop doing that; they kiss.
[End credits: In Kelso's van, Jackie is driving slowly while Kelso walks alongside of the van. Jackie is telling him to get in the van, and he's saying no. They repeat this a few times, then Jackie says okay, and begins to pull away; Kelso starts running to keep up with the van.]