At the hair salon, Fez and Kitty come in, and Fez thanks her for having lunch with him and listening to his problems; she tells him that he can talk to her about anything. A woman enters the salon and recognizes Kitty; it's Marcia Sullivan, who hugs Kitty and when asked what's new, tells Kitty that she's divorced. Kitty invites her over to visit, as they have a lot to catch up on; Marcia says she'll bring some wine. They both say how much they're looking forward to it; as they walk away from each other, Kitty mutters under her breath, "Slut!" and Marcia mutters, "Tight-ass!" Kitty leaves, and Marcia sits down to have her hair washed. Fez comes out and asks what she'd like today; she tells him that she was thinking of having something new...
In Fez's apartment, he and Marcia are in bed together. Fez tells her that perhaps they should rinse and repeat.
[Scene change: Jackie's face in a close-up shot.]
In Fez and Jackie's apartment, Jackie tells Donna that this will be her first time that she's not with Eric on her birthday, and the first time that she won't have to return her presents; Donna adds that she won't have to spank Eric either. Randy asks why she had to give Eric birthday spankings if it's her birthday and Donna says that Eric wanted her to do that and then he'd jump around in his underpants shouting, "Happy birthday to me!" Fez and Marcia come out of the bedroom; everyone is shocked, and Hyde says, "Fez just banged an old... smobile. In the parking lot... with his bicycle." Fez introduces Marcia to everyone as his ferocious lover. They kiss; Jackie is grossed out and says it's like kissing your own grandmother; Randy says that his grandmother doesn't kiss like that. As Marcia leaves, Fez asks if he was good, and she tells him that he was good enough. After she's gone, Hyde congratulates Fez on combining his two favorite past-times: sex and antiquing. Donna says that for years, older men have been dating younger women, and now older women can date younger men, then says it's gross. Fez tells them that younger women just lie there, but Marcia moves around, shakes and makes noise. Hyde suggests that maybe she was just having a stroke.
[Scene change: Hyde jumps in the air.]
In the Forman basement, in the circle, Randy says that they should all go in together on a present for Donna, then asks what they should get her? Jackie suggests make-up, but then says it would be a waste, like getting a dog a snow-blower. Hyde says that Kelso did that once, then says no, he got a snow-blower a dog. Randy starts saying random words, saying that he can hear an echo in his head. Jackie tells them that she once caught Donna using lip-liner on her eyebrows; Hyde tells them that he'll buy the present for Donna, and they can all give it to her together; he's upset that he can't hear the echo in his head.
In the Forman kitchen, Kitty tells Red that her friend Marcia is coming over; Red says that he thought that Kitty hated Marcia, and she says that she does, but Marcia always has good gossip. Marcia arrives with a box of tea; Kitty comments that she'd said she was bringing wine, and Red points out that Marcia also promised, "'Til death do us part" and she didn't keep that promise either. Kitty sends Red out to the garage; he's glad to escape. Kitty asks Marcia what's new in her life and Marcia says that she has a new boyfriend who's much younger than she is. Kitty wants to know how young, and guesses 40, then 39. Marcia says that she can't tell, then says he's 19. Kitty is shocked and says that she has a son who's 19; Marcia asks where Kitty's handsome son is, and Kitty tells her that he's in Africa and he's not coming back. Marcia points out that he has to come home some time, and Kitty warns her to stay away from Eric, saying that if Marcia touches him, she'll kill her in her sleep, then they both laugh.
[Scene change: Fez in a close-up shot, with Randy in the background.]
In the Forman basement, Fez tells Jackie and Randy that he had three romps with Marcia, but who's counting, then says it was four. Hyde comes in and tells them that he got the present for Donna but it's kind of wrinkled, like Fez's girlfriend. He shows them a t-shirt that says, "My friends went to Lake Michigan and all I got was this lousy t-shirt." Randy points out that they present is lousy, and it even says so on the t-shirt. He asks them what they should get for Donna, saying that Donna is cool and deserves a cool present; Fez asks if that's because Randy wants to have sex with Donna? Randy says no, he'd do the same for Fez if it were his birthday, and Fez asks if Randy wants to have sex with him?
[Scene change: Jackie blows a kiss at the camera.]
In Donna's bedroom, Bob tells Jackie, Fez and Randy that he just gives Donna coupons for 15 minutes of "Bob time," and that solves the problem of buying a present. He leaves; Fez comments that the room looks smaller from the tree across the street. Jackie finds Donna's diary, and says that she hasn't read it in a month, but now it's locked; Fez tells her that the key is in the desk drawer. Randy says that he has to go, and that he knows what she needs for her birthday: thicker curtains and a restraining order. Jackie starts reading an entry from Donna's diary from a few weeks back, and finds out that Donna thinks Randy is cute. Fez points out that this is a complete invasion of privacy, then moves a mirror so that he'll be able to see Donna in bed better from the tree.
In the Forman living room, Bob gives Donna her birthday coupon, which is good for one knock-knock joke; she tells him that it's great, just like the one last year was great. Bob tells Red that kids love the coupons, and that Red should have given some of them to Eric; Red says yeah, he could have given Eric a "Get my foot out of your ass free" coupon. Fez and Kitty come in with the cake; Jackie compliments Randy's shirt, and asks Donna what word she'd use to describe it, but Donna doesn't really have anything to say about it. Jackie tells her that the word she's looking for is "cute," and Randy says no, it's "adorable." The doorbell rings; it's Marcia, who comes in and kisses Fez. Kitty is shocked; Hyde tells her that all those PTA meetings that she took Fez to really had an effect. Kitty says to Marcia, "My Fez is your younger man?" and Marcia says that he is, for a few months, at least; Kitty points out that Marcia is old. Randy asks Red if Kitty and Marcia aren't the same age, and Red tells him to say that louder, as that will really help matters. Kitty orders Fez to stop seeing Marcia, and he tells her that she's not his mother and he can do what he wants. Kitty blows up, saying that Fez is right, he can do whatever he wants; she storms out of the room into the kitchen. Bob goes over to Marcia and introduces himself; she looks a little uncomfortable when he reminds her that he asked her out last month and she said that she was moving to Costa Rica.
[Scene change: Red looms over the camera.]
In the Forman kitchen, Red, Jackie, and Donna look for Kitty, but she's not there. Red sees the ice, margarita mix and the cap from the tequila bottle on the counter, then sees that she also took the blender. Donna hears a noise and says that Kitty is in the dining room; Red tells them that he'll be in the garage, and adds that they should save themselves; they all leave the kitchen.
In the Forman dining room, Kitty tells Jackie and Donna that she can't believe that Fez was seduced by that cradle-robbing slut, and then points out that both Jackie and Donna get passed around like baseballs and asks if one of them couldn't have slept with him instead? Donna points out that Fez is a deviant, and they're just glad that he's doing it with a human, and not the sofa, or her pillow. They pass the blender full of margaritas around; Kitty is hurt that Fez said she wasn't his mother; Jackie says that she can't wait to be a divorcee, and that she'll take everything from her husband. Kitty tells them that if this is the way Fez wants it, fine, this is the way he'll get it, and that next year, his stocking won't be hung by the chimney with care, it will be in the garbage with... hair. She decides that the blender of margaritas has too much ice in it and pours the rest of the bottle of tequila in it.
[Scene change: Kitty waves at up at the camera.]
In Fez and Jackie's apartment, Hyde gives Donna the t-shirt that he stole for her; she loves it and says that she collects them and has all the other lakes but was missing Michigan. Jackie is surprised, and asks how Hyde knew that, and he tells her he heard Donna say that she collects them. Randy tells Donna that the two of them are going on a journey together, and then gives her two tickets to a Journey concert; he tells her that he knows that she likes Journey because he saw the poster on the wall in her bedroom, then adds that she shouldn't ask what he was doing in her bedroom. Fez apologizes for not getting her a present, and tells her that Marcia isn't going to be around forever, so he has to make every moment count with her. Donna tells Fez that she and Jackie talked to Kitty and they found out a few things: first, that once she's had a few margaritas, she's a pretty good tap-dancer; and second, that she's really upset about what he said to her, and that she thinks of him like a son. Jackie and Donna tell him to think about all the things that Kitty has done for him, and he thinks... in the Forman kitchen, Kitty cuts the crusts off a sandwich for Fez; he picks up the sandwich and throws it in the garbage and eats the crusts. In the Forman living room, Kitty tries to take his temperature as he lies on the sofa, and when he won't open his mouth for the thermometer, she tricks him with a lolly pop. In the Forman kitchen, Fez sits on the counter while Kitty puts a band-aid on his knee, then kisses it better. In the Forman living room, Kitty ties a scarf around Fez's neck, he picks up his sled and goes out, then comes back in to get his pants... Fez tells them that they're right, and Kitty has done a lot for him. He says that he'll stop off and get some chocolates and then go to see Kitty; they tell him that getting her chocolates is a good idea, so Fez says that he'll buy her a box too.
[Scene change: Randy and Donna's faces in a close-up shot.]
In Donna's bedroom, Jackie comes in and gives Donna her present: a new diary, which she noticed Donna needed when she was reading her old one. Donna can't believe that Jackie read her diary; Jackie tells Donna that she knows that Donna thinks Randy is cute. Donna denies this, but Jackie asks why she's going to the Journey concert with him if she doesn't think that he's cute? Donna tries to convince Jackie that she likes Journey, but Jackie knows that Donna only has the poster up to cover a hole that Fez made in the wall to watch her shower. Donna starts to explain things to Jackie, but Jackie says that she has to go, and tells Donna to just write it in the diary, and she'll read it tomorrow.
In the Forman living room, Fez comes in. Kitty tells him that she'd get up to greet him, but her back is still sore from where he put the knife in it. Red, calling Fez "Tutankhamen," tells Fez that Kitty has been quiet all day, and this is making Red nervous, because he knows that something is about to explode. Red goes out, leaving Fez alone with Kitty; Fez apologizes for what he said to her. Kitty tells him that there's no need to apologize because it's true: she's not his mother. Fez tells her that she has treated him like a son, and he never meant to hurt her, so if it will fix things, he'll stop seeing Marcia; Kitty tells him that it's his life. Fez explains that he doesn't know what to do because he wants her approval, but he also wants to do things to women that would shock her. Kitty understands, and tells him that he needs to do what any good son would do: lie to her. Fez doesn't understand this, so she explains that every Friday, Eric used to tell her that he was going to the movies with his friends. Fez, still not understanding, says that every Friday, they used to drink beer and pee off the... then he gets it. Kitty tells him that this is what being family is all about. Fez stands up and tells her that he is ~not~ going to go have sex with Marcia on her washing machine. Kitty tells him to have fun at the movies.
[End credits: In Donna's bedroom, she tells Bob that she wants to cash in one of her coupons; he tells her that the coupons were a present just for laughs, but he got her a serious present too. He gives her a can of peanut brittle and when she opens it, fake snakes pop out. They both laugh, and Bob comments that she didn't see it coming; she agrees and says, "Just like last year!"]