That '70s Show

Season 2 Episode 23

Holy Crap!

Aired Sunday 8:00 PM May 01, 2000 on FOX

Episode Recap

In the Forman kitchen, Kitty comes in dressed for work, Eric and Laurie are in their Sunday best, Red is dressed normally. Kitty tells them that she's been called in to work for an emergency, and they're short staffed, so she can't make it to church today. Eric comments that it's great that they don't have to go to church, and starts making plans to watch TV; Kitty tells them that they have to go to church, then leaves. Eric asks Red why he doesn't have to go, when he and Laurie do. Red explains that he had a heart-to-heart with God while his destroyer was going down in the South Pacific, so he's okay with God. They go out to get in the car and Laurie says that she's going to meet some friends behind the bowling alley; Eric points out that they're supposed to go to church. Laurie tells him to stop being such a little girl and do something bad for once. [Opening credits.] [Scene change: Hyde jumping up towards the camera.] At The Hub, Fez comments on Eric not being in church; Eric tells him that since he's not a virgin any more, he doesn't have to go. Kelso says that his life sucks now that Jackie has dumped him. Hyde points out the good things: first, there's no Jackie; and second, now Kelso can do the things he never could before, like everything. Kelso says that he can grow his beard, and Fez wants to too, adding, the more the hairier. In the Forman living room, Laurie and Eric come in; Eric tells Laurie that their 'church ploy' will work better if she buttons up her shirt; he then pulls a cigarette butt out of her hair. Red and Kitty come out of the kitchen and ask how church was? Eric tells them that it was really good, and the sermon was about Jesus saying something wise; Red calls them liars; Bob told them that Eric and Laurie weren't at church. Laurie claims that she wanted to go, but Eric wouldn't give her a ride. Kitty can't believe that they would do something like this, but then she blames Red for not making sure that they went to church. Red orders them to go, but then Kitty says no, they're almost grown up and can make their own decisions. In The Forman Basement, One Week Later (printed on a fiery background): Kelso asks the gang what they think of his 'beard' which is barely more than a scruff of whiskers; Jackie tells him that he looks like a hobo because his beard is patchy. Fez comes in with a full beard; Donna comments that it's nice, and Fez tells her that it will be when it really comes in. Jackie makes fun of Kelso's beard, so he leaves; once he's gone, Jackie tells Donna that Kelso looks really hot with a beard. Donna points out that Jackie just said that he looked stupid, but Jackie says that she had to say that since she hates him. Laurie comes down to do her laundry; Kitty follows her down the stairs and tells her and Eric that church starts in 10 minutes. Laurie points out that Eric's not going; Kitty says that he is, and Eric tells her that he's not, adding that Kitty told them that it was their choice. Kitty asks for one good reason why they're not going, and they both tell her that church is hot, the pastor is boring, the sermons are boring. Laurie points out that Hyde doesn't have to go; he says that organized religion has perverted the true beliefs of the philosophies that he believes in, and if he were to go, he'd be a hypocrite. Kitty tells Eric and Laurie that she's going to go out to the car, and she's sure that they'll make the right decision, and that she won't be alone at church. At church, Kitty sits alone in the pew; Bob asks her where her family is? When she says that she's alone, Midge tells her that that's embarrassing, and Bob adds especially so since Eric has so much confessing to do. Leo comes in and asks if the seat beside Kitty is free, then sits beside her and tells her that her really loves this place; it has stories, organ playing, and you can sing as loud as you want, in fact, it's almost religious. He says that this is what he thinks heaven will be like, only heaven will have an open bar. Kitty imagines heaven... a line-up of people are going in to Heaven; the Formans arrive at the front of the line and St. Peter tells them that he can't let any of them in, not even Kitty since she didn't come to church with her family. He reaches over to a huge lever and says, "So down you go!" and then laughs, saying that he really loves pulling that joke. The Pinciottis arrive, and all of them are allowed in since they all went to church. Red tries to get through the gates so that he can kick Bob's ass, and it doesn't matter what he does now, since they're going to hell anyway. Kitty says to herself that that's just not going to happen. The collection plate comes around and Kitty reaches for her purse; Leo takes a couple of bills from the plate, puts them in his pocket and says, "Thanks, man." [Scene change: Eric and Hyde jump in the air.] In the Forman kitchen, Kitty comes in and says she's figured out what to do with sinner children; Red tells her that the kids are fine. When Kitty starts to talk about Laurie, Red stops her and says that she should start with Eric; Kitty says that Eric needs to learn right from wrong, and then adds that Red feels guilty because he sets a bad example. Red points out that he goes to church, just not during televised sporting events. He says that if he thought he were the problem, he'd go. Kitty tells him that she's come up with a solution; if she can't get the kids to go to church, she'll bring the church to them; she's invited Pastor Dave over for the afternoon. Red says this is a great idea, as long as he doesn't have to be there. In the Forman basement, in the circle, Kelso says that God sees everything which is why he lives a good and pure life; Eric points out that Kelso was dating two girls at the same time, and Kelso says that God can't see through metal, and since he did everything in the van, he's safe. Fez informs them that his God can kick their God's ass. Hyde tells them that God's dead, and Leo says that he met God once, on a bus, and God told him the meaning of life and gave him a pretzel. Eric decides that maybe they're all not really there, maybe he's there but the rest of them aren't. Kelso decides that the best thing that God created was big boobs, and Fez agrees. Hyde wonders if God could create a boob so big that even He couldn't lift it, and Leo says that he'll ask Him the next time he sees Him on the bus. In the Forman driveway, Jackie tells Donna that Kelso is gorgeous with his beard; Donna reminds her that Kelso is a dog who lied to her and cheated on her. Jackie says that Donna needs to keep reminding her of that; Kelso comes out and Jackie asks him where he's going, and Donna adds, "You lying cheating scumbag." Kelso says he's going to The Hub, and Donna asks if they let scumbag jerks like him in there? In the Forman living room, Pastor Dave tells Eric, Laurie and Hyde that God is an upper, and he's got a drug better than LSD or PCP; it's G-O-D. Hyde coughs and says "virgin," then asks why he has to be there? Laurie tells Pastor Dave that she's got a soft spot for virgins, because they're a challenge, and sits next to him. Pastor Dave tells them that Jesus was cool like Fonzie, saying "Aaaa-men!" Hyde asks if Jesus could start a jukebox just by hitting it; Laurie asks if Pastor Dave has his own place? Kitty can't believe what they're saying and suggests that they sing instead; Kitty and Pastor Dave sit at the organ; he plays Jesus Is Just Alright (The Doobie Brothers, 1972) while Kitty sings and the kids look bored. Then Pastor Dave has them draw a picture of what they think of when they think of God; Kitty draws a man on a cloud; Hyde draws something that Pastor Dave thinks is Jesus, but Hyde says no, it's Eric Clapton, and Eric is amazed, because he drew Eric Clapton too. Laurie give Pastor Dave a 'special picture' and tells him to open it up when he's alone. In the kitchen, they all sit around the table and play Religious Rummy, Laurie has 6-6-6; Pastor Dave leaves at that point. At The Hub, Jackie comes in and pull the shoulder of her top down; she goes over to Kelso who's playing pinball. He turns around; he's shaved and has bits of toilet paper stuck to the shaving cuts on his face. Jackie takes one look at him, pulls the shoulder of her top back up and walks out. The Forman Living Room, One Week Later: Kitty comes down and Eric and Laurie to get ready for church; Eric says that he thought it was their choice, and she tells him that it will be when they choose to go to church. She tells Laurie that she needs church for coming on to the youth minister. Eric asks why they have to go when Red doesn't, and Kitty starts jumping up and down, shouting, "ah ha! I knew it!" and tells them that everyone is going. Red yells at Eric for dragging him into it, and Laurie yells at him because now she has to put on a bra; Eric says that God hates him. [End credits: In church, Leo and Pastor Dave sing Day By Day (from Godspell, 1972) together while Leo plays the guitar. The Forman family is there; Laurie is looking seductively at Pastor Dave; Red looks bored and Eric looks like he'd rather be someplace else.]