That '70s Show

Season 8 Episode 12

Killer Queen

Aired Sunday 8:00 PM Feb 09, 2006 on FOX

Episode Recap

In the Forman kitchen, Hyde comes in and asks Red if he's off the hook for buying Sam a Valentine's Day present since she said that she didn't want one; Red responds with a story about a woman who told her husband that she didn't want a present, so he never bought her one, not for Valentine's Day, not for Christmas or her birthday... and 50 years later, after years of not getting presents, she thanked her husband. Red asks Hyde if he knows who that woman was, then tells him that it was the Invisible Dancing Fairy of Dumbass Land. Red then tells Hyde that all women want gifts; Kitty wonders what present someone would get for a stripper anyway, then tells Hyde that it's important to keep the romance alive in a marriage. She tells him that she got a present for Red, and she knows that he got one for her too, because he loves her, and also knows what she's capable of; she leaves the kitchen. Hyde calls Red a romantic devil; Red says he's not really, and tells Hyde to follow him, and he'll let him in on a secret... In the Forman basement, Red pulls a bag out of his hiding place and shows it to Hyde; it's his secret stash of gifts. He tells Hyde that he has kept it there ever since he forgot Kitty's birthday, and that way, even if he forgets, he's remembered. He tells Hyde to take one; Hyde takes a pair of gloves and says that they'd be perfect for Sam... if they were black leather and a bra. He asks Red what he's going to give Kitty; Red pulls out a needlepoint kit and says that Kitty will love it because she'll think it's nice, and he'll love it because it will keep her busy for huge chunks of time. [Scene change: Red looms towards the camera.] At the TV Station, in the office, Christine thanks Jackie for booking the lovely couple on the show for Valentine's day; Jackie says that she knew they were right for the show when the husband said that he always heard his wife's voice in his head telling him that she loved him. Christine tells her that he evidently heard a different voice, one that told him to push her off a ferris wheel; she orders Jackie to find a replacement couple in the next three hours, or else Jackie will be fired. She heads into her office, and at the door, turns and says that she was just kidding about firing Jackie, then goes in and shuts the door. Jackie's phone rings; it's Christine, telling her that she wasn't kidding about firing Jackie. The receptionist calls over to Jackie, saying that she shouldn't worry, as it will all work out okay between Jackie and Christine; Jackie goes back to her desk. Her phone rings, and when she answers, it's the receptionist, who says in a sing-song voice, "You're gonna get fired, you're gonna get fired," then laughs. [Opening credits.] [Scene change: Randy and Donna's faces in a close up shot.] At Grooves, Donna says hi to Randy, and calls him Mr. Record, Mr. World-Record... she continues to make up nicknames for him until he tells her that Hyde already has a nickname for him: Mrs. Lady-Lovelylocks. Donna asks him if he'd like to do something with her for V-D, then clarifies that to Valentine's Day. Randy tells her that he's already got plans, but suggests that he could have a rain check; Donna says that that's great, she loves rain checks and in fact, she'll go check for rain right now. She heads out, but in her nervousness, she goes into the office, then comes out and goes outside. [Scene change: Fez jumps up towards the camera.] In the Forman basement, Jackie tells Fez that she has to find a happy couple or else she'll be fired. He suggests Red and Kitty, but Jackie doesn't want them. Fez then suggests that he could pretend to be her boyfriend for the show, and that they could practice... he leans over to kiss her and Jackie pushes him away, saying that he's only trying to cop a feel. She adds that if Christine found out that they were faking, she'd be fired. Fez tells her that inter-racial couples are sexy because they're illegal; Jackie informs him that it's not illegal and Fez says, "Freaking Hyde!" At Grooves, Donna tells Randy that she was only asking him out as a friend; Randy tells her that that's good, because his previous plans are a date, and he'd like some help from her, he wants the female perspective. He outlines the date: strawberry wine to start, then get naughty with some dirty-word mad-libs, and then go to Monster Truck Mania. Donna tells him that it sounds great if he's planning on having a date with Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies. Randy comments that roses might be nice, but they're too expensive; they ask Leo what his idea of an expensive date is, and he tells them "November 13th," then adds that it's ruined because he has to go to the dentist. [Scene change: Fez's face in a close up shot.] At the TV Station, on the What's Up, Wisconsin? set, Christine asks if Jackie and Fez are ready; the show starts, and Christine introduces Jackie and Fez, but has to ask Fez how to pronounce his last name. He tells her that the first five Ks are silent. She then asks how the two of them met; Fez says that it was in the third grade when Jackie had pinkeye, and all the other kids were making fun of her, so he rubbed her eye and got it too... so it was love at first sight... pink sight. Christine asks what their secret is for staying together so long; Fez tells her that they make out every chance they get. Christine then asks them to kiss on camera; Fez says yes, but Jackie says no, and the two of them argue. Christine tells Jackie to give Fez a Valentine's Day kiss, so she does. As they finish the kiss and Jackie wipes her mouth, Christine comments that you can't fake passion like that, then goes to a commercial. While on the commercial break, she tells Jackie and Fez that they were great, and thanks them both for being there, then leaves the set. Jackie is happy that it all worked out and thanks Fez for saving her job. [Scene change: Kitty waves up at the camera.] In the Forman kitchen, Kitty gives Red his Valentine's Day present and card, which is a big red heart, and reminds him to cut back on fatty fried foods. Red tells her to close her eyes and he'll be right back with her gift; she does, and he runs down to the basement to get a gift from the bag, but it's empty. He comes back upstairs, and sneaks out the kitchen door. The camera stays on Kitty, who is still standing there with her eyes closed, but when she hears the car start and pull out of the driveway, she opens her eyes to look. [Scene change: Jackie dances towards the camera.] At the TV Station, in Christine's office, Christine is crying; Jackie comes in and asks if she's okay? Christine tells Jackie that she is missing the one thing that will make her feel good about herself; Jackie asks if that's a friend who's fatter than her, but Christine tells her it's love. She suggests that Jackie should have a drink with her, and pulls a bottle of liquor out of her desk drawer and pours them both a drink. She asks about Jackie's life, but then decides that she'd rather talk about herself, and begins her life story, saying that she was born in a small hamlet outside New York... later on, Christine is still talking, only now she's talking about the Himalayas. Jackie tells her that she's incredible; Christine says that Jackie is incredible, and they go back and forth, each telling the other that she's incredible. [Scene change: Jackie and Donna do the bump.] In the Pinciotti kitchen, Randy asks Donna if he looks okay, saying that he wants his outfit to send the right message: that he's playful and full of humility, and let's party! Donna tells him that he's asking too much of a jacket; just after Randy leaves, Bob comes in and tells her that her Valentine is here, and suggests that they could start the night with some games like Yahtzee. There's a knock on the door; it's Randy and he's there to ask Donna out on a Valentine's Day date. She asks him what he plans to do about his date with the other girl, but he tells her that there is no other girl, he wants to go out with her, as she's hot. In the Forman kitchen, Kitty is still waiting; Red comes in and she tells him that she didn't make dinner as she was too busy counting, waiting for him to get back with her gift. He tells her that all that waiting was worth it, and gives her the present: a pack of gum and a tire gauge, telling her that it's the thought that counts; Kitty tells him that that line only worked on Eric, and that was when he was five. Hyde comes in; Red asks him what happened to the bag of gifts, and Hyde explains that Sam caught him going through the bag and started kissing him, thinking that the whole bag was for her, so he just gave her everything. He then tells Red that he can yell at him later, since he's just down in the kitchen to get some whipped cream... and Sam sent him down to get it. Kitty asks what they're talking about, so Red has to confess about the stash of gifts. Kitty is shocked to find out that he buys her gifts in bulk, but Red assures her that it's not like that... it's more like an inventory of love. Kitty doesn't accept this, and tells him that it's an inventory of her foot in his ass, and leaves, angry. [Scene change: Red walks across the screen, as Kitty sits and swings her legs.] At Grooves, there are candles everywhere and a table set for dinner; Randy brings Donna in and she comments that he's transformed it from a crappy record store to a crappy bistro, then asks why he pretended that he had a date with someone else? He explains that he likes to make the first move, but she's welcome to make the second one, and adds that he's not wearing a bra. Donna leans across the table and kisses him. Leo comes in from the back room and tells them that he's just had the best meal ever as someone left two steak dinners in there, and now he's headed off to the Monster Truck Mania show. [Scene change: Randy peers at the camera.] In the Forman living room, Red is trying to get Kitty to listen, but she's upset and tells him that she doesn't have time now as she has to check the pressure in her tires. Hyde comes in and tells Red that Kitty told Sam what happened, so he's in trouble too, and he's bought flowers for both of them. Red takes both bouquets, turns to Kitty and tells her that he got her roses, then turns back to Hyde, laughs and comments that now Hyde knows how it feels. [Scene change: Hyde jumps up towards the camera.] At the TV Station, in Christine's office, Christine thanks Jackie for talking to her yesterday, and adds that they really bonded, or as much as a star can bond with a commoner. Jackie agrees, and says that she got to see the real person inside Christine the star. Christine comments that Jackie got a rare peek behind her 'iron curtain' and then fires her, explaining that she can't have employees who know so much about her. Jackie asks what she's supposed to do and Christine suggests bar tending as a next career move. Jackie gets angry and tells Christine that she's being unfair, adding that she really works hard for Christine, and no one likes her; they're only pretending to like her because she's a star. Christine doesn't seem to care, saying that she only pretends to like her employees because they bring her lunch. Jackie calls Christine bitter; Christine counters with, "I have a mug that says that!" Jackie then insults Christine's shoes, telling her that they're last season; Christine tells Jackie to rot in hell, and Jackie leaves. [End credits: At the TV Station, in the reception area, Jackie has her things packed up in a box and is leaving. The receptionist is pretending to cry. Jackie tells her that she put in a good word for the new assistant, then leaves. The phone rings, and the receptionist answers it; it's Jackie, and we hear her voice singing, "I licked your phone, I licked your phone!"]