Special Guest Star
Kelso: Oh, I hate the library! The only good thing about it is that you can check out Playboys. I mean, they have every issue since it started.
Eric: Wait, every issue? Are you telling me that they have the one with Pamela Sue Martin, television's Nancy Drew, in a grotto, straddling the world's luckiest boulder? (Donna looks at him) Er...uh, they have periodicals, you say?
Nancy Drew was a girl detective with a squeaky-clean image; Pamela Sue Martin played her in The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries. As part of her campaign to dispel that image, Pamela Sue Martin posed in Playboy in July, 1978.
Kelso: Hey, Brooke. Yeah... I know this is kind of awkward, but could you tell my friends over there (Fez, Eric and Hyde wave) about you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?
Brooke: Do I know you?
Eric: Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt, but, uh... burn!
Jackie: Fez, if you want to find virgins, go where ugly girls pray to get pretty... the local house of worship.
Fez: House of worship? Are you sure you don't mean the house of pie?
Kelso: Why won't [Brooke] admit that we did it?
Eric: Kelso, there are race horses, and there are donkeys. And you are a great donkey, you are, like, top donkey! But she's a race horse, and guess what? She don't want no donkey.
Kelso: She might...
Jackie: Steven, why can't you just say that Brooke's not hot? It's common relationship courtesy. If you can't do this, what will you do when I'm old and ask you if I have crow's feet around my eyes?
Hyde: By the way, that's already starting.
Red: You've never been in a relationship, have you?
Brooke: Look, I know why you're here, and I'm sorry; you're not my type. I was high school valedictorian, and you're the antithesis of that.
Kelso: The anti-who-what?
Fez: Well, my plan to have sex with virgins failed. So, I've widened my search from virgins to everyone.
Eric: So, basically, you're back to where you started this morning.
Fez: Not really. I had some pie. I've done less in a day.
(Brooke has just admitted she was with Kelso at the Molly Hatchet concert)
Kelso: (to Fez) Burn! (to Donna) Burn! (to Eric) Burn! (to Jackie and Hyde) Burn, burn!
(runs upstairs to the kitchen where Kitty and Red are sitting)
Kelso: Burn! Burn!
(runs back down stairs)
Kelso: Burn! We totally did it!
Brooke: Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant.
Kelso: I never touched her!
Donna: Kelso, there is no secret hot girls club.
Kelso: Well of course the president won't admit it.
Eric: Y'know I don't care if there's a club or not, 'dancing bubble kiss time' is just a fabulous idea.
Kitty: You know who else I like? That little fellow who plays Columbo. I just want to give him a bath!
The little fellow who plays Columbo is Peter Falk; Columbo aired regularly on NBC from 1971 to 1978. The Columbo character was always slightly dirty and dishevelled.
Kelso: What is Brooke's deal, man? I mean, most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't! This is... everything is backwards!
Eric: Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday, but unlike that charming little movie, your story has no basis in fact.
The 1976 movie, Freaky Friday, was about a mother and daughter who switch bodies for a day.
Kelso: I have heard of Dewey Decimal. He's Donald Duck's nephew.
The Dewey Decimal System is the system used by libraries to classify and organize books. Donald Duck has three nephews, Huey, Dewey and Louie.
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