That '70s Show

Season 5 Episode 17

The Battle of Evermore (a.k.a. Pioneer Days)

Aired Sunday 8:00 PM Feb 26, 2003 on FOX

Episode Recap

In the Forman kitchen, Red comes in and asks why Eric is eating; Eric replies that he's doing it for survival, but also likes the fruity taste. Red orders Eric to replace the hubcaps on the Vista Cruiser, and reminds him that he's already told him to do that, then adds that Eric thinks he's mature enough to get married but he doesn't seem to be mature enough to fix the car. Eric points out that Red took away the keys so that he can't drive the car, and took away his job so that he can't afford to fix the car, and has also taken his self-esteem, so he has no pride in his job or possessions. Kitty tells them to stop fighting then goes back to doing her crossword puzzle, and asks for a four-letter word for "disappointment" and Red says, "Eric." Kitty looks at the puzzle and then in shock says that it fits. In the Forman driveway, Eric tells the gang what happened in the kitchen, and then adds that his smart answer is why he's trimming the hedges. Kelso comments that Red is a hard ass, but Fez disagrees and points out that Red's ass jiggles when he wiggles. Hyde comes in and tells the gang that Leo has been missing for a week; Kelso comments that he hopes Leo shows up soon, as they need some "film." Red comes out and calls Eric an immature dumb ass with no job and no money; the gang leaves. Kitty comes out and tells Red and Eric that she signed them up for the Paul Bunyan Pioneer Days Jamboree since they been fighting so much; she thinks this will help them bond. Red says that it will be horrible and Eric agrees; Red points out to Kitty that the two of them have bonded, and so don't need to compete as a team. Kitty tells them that it's for charity and they're doing it, then gives them both a coonskin cap, putting Red's on his head. As Kitty walks into the house, Eric comments that ~this~ is what Red would look like with hair. [Opening credits.] At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Donna tells Eric that she'd kiss him but she's afraid of his hat. Bob tells them that Joanne will be the emcee for the event, and that he's manning the hard cider booth. Charlie Miller and his son, Mitch, introduce themselves to Red and Eric; they're dressed alike and seem to have a great relationship; they tell Red and Eric what their team slogan is and ask what Red and Eric's is; Red says, "Shut up, dumb ass," and Eric says that's their slogan. At the Fotohut, Hyde, Jackie, Kelso and Fez go in but it's empty inside. Hyde realizes that Leo hasn't told him to come to work because there's no work to come to. Fez notes the employee of the month poster with Leo's picture on it; it's suggested that Leo left town, but Hyde insists that Leo would have told him if he were going to do that. Kelso suggests that maybe a UFO appeared and made everything disappear. At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Joanne announces the wood cutting contest; Mitch and Charlie do well, but Eric can't even get his axe out of the log to begin. Red sarcastically asks what Eric is going to do for heat since he can't even chop wood, and asks if he intends to burn comics? On the sidelines, Kitty comments that they're fighting already, and Donna comments that forcing them together and then giving them a sharp object probably isn't the best idea. [Scene change: Eric does push ups while Red looms over him.] In the Forman basement, Hyde tells the guys that he couldn't find Leo anywhere, and he looked everywhere... at The Hub, and the alley behind the Hub... Kelso suggests that Leo bailed on them, but Hyde insists that Leo wouldn't do that, and that Hyde knows him better than he knows his own father. Fez, totally ignoring the conversation, comments that he'd like to do it with Nina in an alley. [Scene change: Fez is on a swing.] At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Red tells Eric that they're getting killed, and that Eric only had to build a cabin out of Lincoln Logs, but no.... Eric had to build the Millennium Falcon instead. Red tells Eric that if that has anything to do with Star Wars, he's going to kick Eric's ass, but Eric lies and says that it's just a rare falcon. Mitch and Charlie come over and comment that it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game, then Charlie adds that Red and Eric don't know how to play the game. Eric mumbles that it's the worst Paul Bunyan Jamboree ever. [Scene change: Hyde jumps towards the camera.] At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Joanne announces the cow milking event; Mitch suggests that she just say that he and his dad won the event and save Red and Eric the embarrassment, and Eric agrees. The event starts, and Red is having trouble milking the cow, but Mitch is doing well. Eric tells Red that he'll do it, and that you just can't yank on the teats; on the sidelines, Kitty comments to Donna that Red never was one for foreplay. Eric has no problem milking the cow; on the sidelines, Kitty tells Donna, "Good for you!" Later on, Charlie thinks that he and Mitch are winning the milking contest, but when he sees that Red and Eric have won it, he gets upset and starts to argue with Mitch; Mitch asks if he's going to lock him in a closet again. Eric turns to Red and asks what he has to say now, and the only question that Red has is, "Why are you so good at that?" In an apartment building hallway, Hyde knocks on a door, and when there's no answer, Kelso throws himself at it, then says need a credit card to break in. As the discussion deteriorates into what they'd do if they had a credit card, Fez opens the door, which was unlocked. They go in and find a guy on the floor; they're not sure if he's asleep or dead, and Kelso suggests hitting him, because if he's asleep, then he'll wake up, and if he's dead, then they could say they hit a dead guy. He wakes up and introduces himself as Eli, Leo's cousin. He tells them that Leo is gone; Hyde can't believe that Leo didn't call, but then Eli tells him that Leo left a note for someone named... Heidi. Hyde takes the note, in which Leo says that he stopped for gas in Point Place eight years ago, and he really should be getting home to his wife. He tells Hyde that he's a good kid, and to take care. Hyde tells the rest of the gang that he knew Leo wouldn't leave without saying goodbye; Eli tells them that Leo also left them some "film" and hands Hyde a huge film reel canister. At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Kitty tells Donna that she's been drinking, then corrects that to "thinking" and laughs, then continues, saying that she wants Donna and Eric to get married; Donna says, "Yay!" Joanne announces the next event: a map assembly. Eric and Red are working together and doing quite well; they finish first and find the bow and arrow to shoot the bell and win the event. Bob appears, dressed as Pioneer Pete and asks Mitch if he's happy; Mitch announces that his whole life has been a lie; he turns to his dad and yells that Cathy isn't his sister, and that he knows all about Charlie's Friday night "bowling" and then asks what he needs butt-less chaps for? Mitch then leaves, disgusted. [Scene change: Hyde's face in a close up shot.] In the Forman basement, in the circle, Hyde can't close his mouth, and says that Leo's the best. They start to reminisce about Leo; Kelso says that Leo made him a grilled cheese sandwich once, but forgot the cheese, and he misses Leo. Jackie remembers that one time she heard him on the phone and he was speaking Chinese, and then when he turned around, it wasn't Leo, it was a Chinese guy. Fez sadly says that he'll never see Leo's face when Fez tells him that he did it with Nina. Hyde announces that they're there in honor of Leo, "my boss, my friend, my connection!" They toast to Leo. At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Kitty discovers how much hard cider is too much; Red and Eric come up to her and tell her that they might win the whittling even, and if they do, they'll be the champions. Later on, at the final event (a wagon pull), Mitch asks Charlie where he really goes on Friday nights; Charlie says that he cries alone in a motel room. At the starting line for the wagon pull, all the teams are ready to go; the race starts and Mitch tries to pull Eric off course, but Eric hits him with his hat, and Kitty shoots Charlie with the bow and arrow, but Charlie and Mitch win the race. Bob, still dressed as Pioneer Pete, comes out to announce the winners, and Donna shoots him with the bow and arrow. At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, later on, Eric apologizes to Red, but Red tells him that he's proud of what they did and then admits that he knows what it's like to have your dad riding you all the time. He tells Eric that his dad wanted Red to go to engineering school, and when Red didn't do that, his father didn't talk to him for a year. Eric is surprised to hear this, and asks if this means that Red is the softie in the family? Red tells him that he only knew what was right for him, and his dad couldn't tell him what that was; Eric asks if Red is saying that it's okay for him and Donna to get married? Red says no, he was right then, and he's right now too, so Eric and Donna should break off their engagement. Donna tells them that Kitty is happy for them; after Red and Kitty leave, Eric tells Donna that he doesn't care what they think, and he's committed to the marriage; Donna tells him that after seeing how he handled the cow, so is she. [End credits: At the Paul Bunyan Jamboree, Donna explains to Eric how to chop wood, she is using words that he doesn't understand like "torque", but he's willing to give it a try. He takes the ax, and when he goes for the back swing, the ax goes flying. A cow makes a mooing noise and they both run out.]