In Los Angeles, it's raining... CELEBRITIES! It's the biggest night of the year for the human race, the Academy Oscar Awards of Movies! This is the evening when the entire universe drops everything it's doing and gathers around a television monitor because—for four glorious hours—it is socially acceptable to lick the screen.
And for the stars, it's their chance not just to win a muscular golden statue, it's a chance to own our hearts for at least two months. Who will cry the most sad, sad tears?
I've got an idea. You're at your house and I'm at my house, so let's watch it together right here!
Alright! Let's watch this thing! (Confession: I have only seen one half of one of the nine Best Picture nominees but I have seen four episodes of Super Fun Night!)
Ellen's opening bit
Ellen DeGeneres is basically the exact opposite of last year's host, Seth MacFarlane. She made fun of old people! She made fun of a country's name! She made fun of Liza Minnelli! I usually like a good hour or three of Ellen, but she played it pretty safe by not being totally funny but being very charming in that Ellen way. I also noticed that Jonah Hill got a better seat than Martin Scorsese? Anyway, no music number, just a monologue. The damage was limited.
Best Supporting Actor
Anne Hathaway Space Station announced the nominees for the lesser male actor award, and Jared Leto won for Dallas Buyers Club, in which he wore less makeup than he normally does. But dammit, he gave a fine speech that covered just about everything. Thank YOU, Jordan Catalano. And because he took up way too much time, everyone else will get played off. That's a veteran move.
And also some pointless animation montage! Over/under on how long this thing goes? 18 hours?
The original N.E.R.D. performed his song, and I'm just gonna take a stab here and say that it was called "Happy." He wore the hat that he's determined to make a fashion trend, but I really thing that Ratatouille the rat is under there pulling his hair and controlling him. Anyway, I hate that song because I've had it in my head for four years and will have it in my head for a dozen more.
What movie is this song from, 12 YEARS A SLAVE? #Oscars2014— Doug Benson (@DougBenson) March 3, 2014
Hey have you seen our Oscars red carpet photo gallery?
Best Costume Design and Best Hair & Makeup
Baz Luhrman's wife won costuming for The Great Gatsby (THE FIX IS IN) and two very nice ladies won best hairs and mascara for Dallas Buyers Club. Someone is going to win your Oscars Pool with this garbage.
Introduction: Dallas Buyers Club vs. The Wolf of Wall Street
So they're showing clips of all the Best Picture nominees a couple at a time, I guess. Harrison Ford came out to do the first two, and he really needed to lighten up or change his medical marijuana prescription because things were just sort of coming out of his mouth. Anyway, as you know I've seen none of these movies except the first two hours of The Wolf of Wall Street, and I have to say Dallas Buyers Club looks a lot better. So based on that clip, I'm rooting for it to win Best Picture. But that could change as other well-edited clips come out! Edit: I missed American Hustle but nothing changes!
Best Animated Short and Best Animated Feature Otherwise Known as the 'Toonies
Rust Cohle and Kim Novak (so Twitter tells me) had the first "Errr, whut?" presentation moment with their moment at the microphone, and a very scared French man accepted the award for Mr. Hublot. A quick Wikipedia search says that Novak is 80 years old but she's clearly a witch because how else could she have gotten up there to talk with Matthew Mr. 2014 McConaughey? Frozen won for Best Animated Feature and everyone seemed very happy about that, and also it's very appropriate that Novak said, "Frozen."
Best Visual Effects
Gravity won but all the internet will care about is Emma Watson was out there with Joseph Gordon Levitt, and they make up the future of celebrity. Don't let us down, E-Dubs and JL-GEE!
Karen O. and a guitar perform a song
Zac Efron can't read a teleprompter, but what I got is that Karen O. of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs sang "The Moon Song" from Her and this is probably cool. There was a huge moon in the background because, well, I'm not sure why, but it gave us this tweet from Poindexter:
The Moon Song just performed during the Oscars was either sung in the Southern Hemisphere, or the rising Moon was upside down— Neil deGrasse Tyson (@neiltyson) March 3, 2014
Best Live Action Short Film and Best Documentary Short Subject
I was in the bathroom! But Helium won and some guys said thanks! And there was a quick shot of Hannibal Lecter in the crowd so that was cool. The Lady in Number 6: Music Saved My Life won Best Documentary Short and someone who was sitting next to me said, "Ooh that was good." WELL LA-DI-DA sorry I guess you are so much better than me for having seen it. In other news, one of the winners was wearing a fake crocodile jacket and it was awesome.
Best Documentary Film About Real Things
Bradley Cooper decided to take it down 40 notches from his red carpet antics and announced the winner for Best Documentary, which was 20 Feet From Stardom. Then the lady who the film was about sang and just go for it lady! I'd watch two hours of that.
The Governors Awards (a.k.a. Sorry we didn't get you a real Oscar)
Did you know that House of Cards isn't actually that great of a show? Kevin Spacey didn't, and he opened up his presentation with a Frank Underwood bit. Anyway, Steve Martin won one and I said FINALLY. Angela Lansbury won one also. So did Piero Tosi. And Angelina Jolie won a Humanitarian award for Hackers. But most importantly, my pizza just arrived and it's DEE-liscious.
Best Pelicula de la Forencio
Best Foreign Language Film went to The Great Beauty and these are always the best speeches. It's like, "Wow, America is so great."
Introduction: Nebraska vs. Her vs. Gravity
Old people! Sexy computers! Spaaaaaaaace! Now I'm wondering why I never made it to the theaters more often after seeing clips of these flicks. Oh, it's because I'm too busy staying in and writing Revolution reviews. But if I had the chance to see one of them, I'd go with Her and then Nebraska and then Gravity. So Her moves on to the winner's bracket. Tyler Perry introduced these movies. Let that sink into your head for a bit.
Haven't we had enough of these guys in 2014 already? Ireland, don't be shy, ask for them back.
Achievement in Noise, Mixing and Editing
Gravity swept both of these awards, which is amazing considering there isn't any sound in space!
Best Actress in a Supporting Role
Presenters are just flying through these intros now. THANKS JARED LETO! Lupita Nyong'o won the award for 12 Years a Slave and everything was right in the universe for this moment. Outstanding, earnest speech; outstanding, blue dress.
The pizza gag and someone talking
Ellen might've actually had pizza delivered to the theater and it was an actual bit. Jennifer Lawrence chowed that sh*t down. That pizza delivery guy was scooted out of there so fast once the cameras were off him. Then some lady came out and showed off some drawings?
Best Achievement in Cinematography
Bill Murray and Amy Adams presented this award and it went to Gravity but I think it should have gone to Bill Murray because he was great. He nominated his buddy Harold Ramis as well, and the entire world went "Awwwwww."
This was your chance to use the "This ceremony could have used an editor" joke. Gravity won of course.
Musical performance: Pink sings "Over the Rainbow"
Oddly, someone who once sang "Get the Party Started" put everyone to sleep during this entirely unnecessary musical bit in honor of the 75th anniversary of The Wizard of Oz. Honestly, the iPad commercial that followed was much better and was a better use of everyone's time.
The Benedict Cumberbatch awards
The award for Best Production Design went to Baz Luhrman's wife AGAIN for The Great Gatsby but Benedict Cumberbatch! He can really melt hearts!
Time-stretching montage number 7: More heroes
So there's this "heroes of movies" theme going on I guess with all these montages? And yes, Will Smith's son was in it to make it totally legit. So, how did you guys like this week's episode of The Walking Dead? I thought it was great.
In Memorium montage
The celebrity's only enemy is the cold hand of death. And many died this year, as we saw. But I didn't know that Albert S. Meinheimer from The Naked Gun 2 died so I got really sad for real. UPDATE: Another enemy of celebrities and everyone is Bette Midler performing "The Wind Beneath My Wings." It was like when Seth MacFarlane sang about seeing everyone's boobs last year except worse.
Introduction: Philomena vs. Captain Phillips vs. 12 Years a Slave
Wow, this shocked even me but I would watch Captain Phillips out of these three I guess? These all seem awfully serious. I'm in more of a Grown Ups 2 kind of mood. That leaves Captain Phillips, Dallas Buyers Club, and Her as the winners of my mini-bracket movie wars. And I have to pick one of these to root for, so I'll go with Nebraska. I mean Her! Oh I don't care.
Musical performance: Adele Azim sang "Let It Go"
Jern Travultring mispronounced this lady's name which is embarrassing for him! It must be the 154th embarrassing thing Travolta has done. But Idina Menzel sang super hard at us so I will pick her to win over Pharrell's hat.
Best Score for a Movie, Best Song for a Film prizes
Gravity wins again so look forward to seeing "BEST SCORE WINNER '14" plastered all over the front of the Blu-ray packaging. But Tim, what scores have you been listening to a lot? Mostly the ones for Wild Hogs and Last Vegas. "Let it Go" from Frozen won for Best Song, which was a huge win for people who weren't platinum-selling recording artists. And these two songwriters gave a very inspired off-the-cuff improvised speech thanking just the right amount of people in just the right sing-song voice.
Oh God, those Frozen peoples' voicemail greeting— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) March 3, 2014
Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Un-Adapted Screenplay
John Ridley took home the coveted "I adapted that!" trophy for 12 Years a Slave, and he gave away all his credit by saying everyone else was responsible for it. Spike Jones won Original Screenplay for writing a movie about a guy who falls in love with his phone. It's time to get this ceremony going so we're moving awfully fast and I think they just cut off Ellen.
Best at Directing Mooovies!
Alfonso Cuaron won for Gravity, but I swear to god my baby just farted really loudly and went, "Ahhhhh." She's three months old! #Gifted Anyway, how was Gravity? I try to avoid movies that will make my heart literally explode. If you'd like to see more of Cuaron's directing, good news! He directed (and executive produced) the pilot for Believe, which airs next Monday on NBC.
Best Leading Female Actor of a Movie This Eligible Season
Cate Blanchett won for Blue Jasmine and her dress was a huge hit in my living room. Blanchett seems like she should be bronzed and put in front of a museum because she's awesome. It's like Meryl Streep passed the torch.
Macho Man of the Year
Matthew McConaughey won the award and all of a sudden we now live in a world where Matthew McConaughey is a Best Actor winner. This is one of those historical points in time. We are now in the year 0 M.M.B.A. He caught his Yellow King, it's a gold statuette. This speech is still going, it's so awesome, and because I am drunk, it also makes total sense.
Winner of the Right to Put "Best Picture" on Future On-Demand Advertisements
12 Years a Slave told Gravity to suck its technical awards and walks away with the trophy for Best Picture. Lots of people made jokes about how these Oscars felt like they went on for 12 years, and I guess they're right because on the East Coast it is past midnight! That's three-and-a-half hours, folks, or one Wolf of Wall Street.
Thanks for watching along with me! Now go catch up on The Real World: Ex-Plosion and come back tomorrow for Price's more in-depth photo recap!