The 88th Annual Academy Awards 

One of the main differences between art and real life is probably all the murder. Both art and real life involve A LOT of murder (so much murder) but the difference is that when it comes to art the murder tends to be fake. Rubber prosthetics, floppy knives, syrup-filled squibs, excellent one-liners delivered by Robert Englund, that kind of thing. But in real life... Well, let's just say that newspapers should be called UPSETTINGpapers because nothing is more upsetting than real life these days, or all days. Real life is an absolute nightmare, so much so that we watch fake nightmare movies in order to cheer ourselves up about it. 

The reason why this year's Oscars felt more fraught than usual is because more than ever in recent memory everyone is angry and scared about the world. A lot of people are angry and scared about being murdered in the streets by cops and a lot of other people are doth protesting so much about creating the system that makes all this murder possible. HOT TAAAAAKE. But in my opinion the through-line between these actual crimes and Oscar oversights isn't TOO blurry. As host Chris Rock observed, this year's Oscar nominations weren't any more exclusionary than they have been historically (and duh, the blame for racial inequality during awards season actually falls to producers and directors who refuse to cast black actors in lead roles). But! The Oscars are a very huge-deal communal thing we all look to, and sometimes it's dispiriting to look at a huge-deal communal thing year after year and realize your particular demographic isn't reflected in it in any way, especially when your community is feeling so much pain already. Causation can be complicated, but the end effect is usually simple: Exclusion is subtly dehumanizing, and dehumanization makes it easier for people to... Well, pick up an UPSETTINGpaper and see for yourself.

To put it another way, real life is a turf war on a global scale and I'd rather hear both sides of the tale. See, it's not about races, but rather just places and faces. And where your blood comes from is where your space is. I've seen the bright get duller, and to be honest? I'm not going to spend my life being a color.

Just kidding sorry. 

But look, if you are wondering if the Oscars was the correct place to exercise societal angst, my opinion is YES. At the very least it starts a conversation that should always be had, but even better it makes the Oscars extra awkward and uncomfortable and therefore more entertaining than usual. In fact, all the pointed political jokes made the Oscars seem not as worthless as it usually is. You know? Substance at a trophy fiesta? Who knew this was even possible!

The 88th Academy Awards was extremely long but I enjoyed it for the most part. Mad Max won a ton, plus I laughed more than I expected. Let's talk about the Oscars. 

We began with a CGI cartoon of a bunch of jellyfish taking a sh*t on an Oscar. I am pretty sure it was a metaphor for something but I will have to get back to you about what it was.

We also got the usual montage of the Year in Movies, but this year's was produced by J.J. Abrams and did not include any green-screened footage of Billy Crystal interacting with movie characters, sorry. Then Chris Rock came out and delivered a truly risky and thrilling monologue that directly addressed the #OscarsSoWhite situation. I always appreciate jokes that result in famous people struggling to figure out how to react.

Chris Rock made some really good and hilarious points and did so with no shortage of audacity, which I automatically respect. But because comedy should definitely be over-analyzed and judged for its content, let me say that I was a little sad that Chris Rock went after Jada Pinkett-Smith like he did. I don't know, that just felt low. Yeah she most recently appeared on a TV show but SO DID CHRIS ROCK. If I was ever given a choice to be invited to attend the Oscars or be invited to sit in Jada Pinkett-Smith's living room to boycott the Oscars, I would not be renting a tux let's put it that way. 

Then these two came out and started handing out trophies. It was probably hard to follow a professional stand-up comedian doing topical racial humor, but Charlize Theron still called screenwriters sexy and that counts as a joke, so good job. It was weird how the screenplay categories were presented (clips from the movie, dialogue typed onscreen, Charlize Theron narrating the stage directions) mostly because one thing you should know about screenplays is they always seem terrible. Even the most brilliant dialogue looks like stupid trash on the page, so these clips really just underlined this fact more than anything.

The Spotlight guys won for Original Screenplay, which, fine. Spotlight was easily this year's most competently written film.

Then noted comedy duo Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe came out and made the ghosts of Abbott & Costello want to re-die out of shame because there is a NEW team of yuksters in town. Gosling & Crowe absolutely killed, and just kidding.

Adam McKay and this other guy won for Adapted Screenplay for The Big Short and again that felt right because there was SO MUCH writing involved in that screenplay. Just tons of writing. The most writing.

This video sketch of black people being included in prestigious Oscar films made me laugh uncomfortably but sincerely. Whoopi Goldberg teaching Jennifer Lawrence how to use a mop, then Leslie Jones wrestling Leonardo DiCaprio in the woods (which was as funny as it was #problematic) and best of all Tracy Morgan as the titular Danish Girl (wearing a slip and eating a Danish)... All great! The cool part was that Kristen Wiig and Jeff Daniels (and his weirdest wig) reprised their roles from The Martian wherein their characters opted not to rescue a black astronaut. Guys, it was all really funny Youtube it.

100% of the crowd and viewership were confused by the sudden intrusion of Stacey Dash into the proceedings (as the Academy's "official" minority-outreach ambassador), but let me explain to you why this was hilarious: This woman has maybe/probably decided to develop late-stage conservative leanings because they have earned her a steady paid gig on Fox News. Which, fine, follow that paycheck! We're all broke! But this means she's also VERY susceptible to accepting any and all opportunity to appear onstage at the Oscars, even if the entire joke was intended to troll her personally. She still said yes! She agreed to be humiliated by Chris Rock on international television. The whole thing was admittedly baffling, but also subversive and kind of amazing. 

Sarah Silverman cracked me up. She told off-color jokes about James Bond's penis, which worked for me. Chrissy Teigen loved it too:

Chrissy Teigen remains the ultimate Everywoman of our time.

I only even barely want to mention that Sam Smith came out and sang the James Bond theme song. Mainly because the song is horrible? Like genuinely horrible. But also Sam Smith seems to have conned the world into thinking he's a great singer because he shouts loudly for sustained periods of time about being sad. Good for him, but no thanks.

My friend Kyle once casually mentioned that Henry Cavill looks like a stack of polygons and I can't stop thinking about that whenever I see Henry Cavill because it turns out stacks of polygons ARE MY TYPE. Now imagine a stack of polygons with a British accent and then you will understand why the crowd collectively lost its train of thought in this moment. Kerry Washington looked great also, I've heard.

The Oscars did this thing for the acting categories, which was that the camera would roam around the presenter so that each of the nominees' faces would be framed behind him or her. I think it was supposed to be a time-saving device but it made me kinda sea-sick, how about you?

The lady from Ex Machina won for some other movie, but this was fine because we can still say that the lady from Ex Machina won an Oscar this year. Great job! 

Another bit of choreographed camera movement came when Cate Blanchett did an Aaron Sorkin-esque walk 'n talk through moving clothes racks. It looked very difficult to pull off, but leave it to good ol' Cate to nail it like a nailgun.

This woman's victory began what I would argue was the most joyful and satisfying stretch of the show: Tons of Oscars handed to Mad Max: Fury Road, which by any standard I care about was for sure the greatest movie of last year and one of the all-time great movies absolutely yes. For one thing, as I may have mentioned, Mad Max: Fury Road is important and perfect, but also these wins meant that a series of hilarious Aussies accepted Oscars and gave great and spirited speeches. Like, this lady was wearing a studded leather jacket instead of a gown and had her hair done by the same Supercuts that Bruce Vilanch goes to, so even her LOOK was a winner.

In my opinion Tina Fey is very hilarious, do you agree? Steve Carrell also! Do you agree?

Another Aussie won for Mad Max: Fury Road. I kept cheering out loud and that's a fact.

Jared Leto made a joke about merkins and encouraged everyone to Google it, as though he was a 3rd grader who'd just heard a new naughty word for the first time. Okay weirdo, get to the envelope already. 

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