The Celebrity Apprentice

Season 4 Episode 1

Let's Get Physical

Aired Sunday 9:00 PM Sep 22, 2005 on NBC

Episode Fan Reviews (2)

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  • Come on everybody! Let’s sweat out those negative memories from season three! Season four is here!

    Welcome to season four of The Apprentice, where the tasks are tougher, the knives are sharper, the people are smarter, and the black people are finally not portrayed as b!tches, underachievers, or quitters. There’s still no Asians. But plenty of white to go around. And a Hispanic. Believe me, she’s veryproud of her culture. Anyway, this “melting pot” of races (okay…maybe Burnett thought of it more of a big pot of soup with a dash of pepper) is so that Trump can fulfill his quest for a tough negotiator, a dynamic leader, and an Apprentice. No way.

    We begin with those completely fake segments of families waving goodbye and candidates getting into taxis and walking through airports and everything, with a constant voice-over by Trump himself announcing that this season’s cast (which he hand-picked himself) is the most talented ever! I can’t believe it! He likes the people he picked! But I don’t know if he read over everyone’s application entirely. I mean, the one guy’s gay. And his name’s Clay, so if Trump fires him mercilessly, you know the headlines will scream “Clay’s Too Gay for Trump.” Isn’t it funny how people who are different from everyone have names that you can easily make fun of? Case in point: Clay “Gaykin” of American Idol. Plus, there’s a Russian chick named Alla. Like the God Allah. Another girl, Jennifer M. (but different from season two runner-up Mancini), doesn’t really make much sense, since she says that “Out of a company of fifty managers, I became a manager my first year of management.” But maybe she’s just mildly retarded. We shouldn’t judge. Apparently, Marshawn doesn’t judge either. “I have been able to represent gang members, drug dealers, and prostitutes, but I also dine with presidents. She better wash her hands.

    Anyway, this season starts off in a (shocking!) unorthodox way, by having the candidates arrive in New Jersey (or something like that) at Trump National Golf Course. Here Donald Trump, flanked by cronies Carolyn and George, who gives me nightmares, announces that the eighteen contestants will be divided by gender…again. Why the constant battle of the sexes? Because it’s “easier to tell apart” the teams. Yeah, like the one has boobs and the one doesn’t. Or the one likes women and the other likes men. Wait a minute, that won’t work now that Clay’s here. Scratch that.

    Another rule change is that now the winning Project Manager won’t be automatically exempt the next task. Instead, the team will take a vote on whether or not their PM should be exempt, and majority rules. Which doesn’t really make sense. No one’s gonna get an exemption this season. Go ahead, Markus. Prove me wrong.

    Trump gets right to business by introducing the first task that the eighteen contestants will be faced with – it deals with the $13 billion fitness industry, and requires them to create a new class at Bally’s Total Fitness Center, a gym of sorts, and make the most money in order to stay out of the boardroom. Then he challenges both teams to find his helicopter somewhere on the golf course (like hide and seek! Only it makes noise!). Mark gets there first, but is almost beat by a girl (say it with me guys, ewwww!). Mark’s team gets to choose two of their people to fly to Trump Tower in the helicopter, also getting a chance to scout out the two possible locations for the gym. They pick the more affluent neighborhood instead of Spanish Harlemm, as our Hispanic candidate, Melissa, puts it. So, basically, the women are screwed.

    Or are they? Yeah, they actually are, because Melissa flips out on her team’s Project Manager, Kristi, almost immediately after getting into the gym. You see, Kristi wants to charge 20 or 25 dollars for the class, but Melissa knows that her people - her culture – would not be able to afford it. Somehow the team makes over $500, but that’s not the point. Pobre Anas.

    Trump’s very-wise-words-of-the-week go a little something like, “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” which has to be a catchphrase from somewhere (do you know where? Email it to me) or a song. Because my dad says it all the time. Anyway, he says that you should be nice to people because it makes things easier. Yeah…and this is what made him a billionaire?

    Over at the Men’s gym, everybody hates Markus, the Project Manager. Markus is too unprofessional and disorganized, and wants his entire team to give him suggestions on how he can improve himself to be a better leader. “Mr. Trump would never turn to his employees and say, ‘Do you think I’m smart enough? Do you think I’m good enough?’ Come on! Get some balls!,” Josh of the men’s team says.

    Later that night, Randal gets a phone call from his wife saying that his grandmother has died, and it sounds really tragic. From what I understand and what I heard, she choked on a tooth or something and died of suffocation. That’s terrible. Randal seems hurt too.

    Finally, the teams get names when Mr. Trump calls up Markus and Kristi, and after talking on the phone with Markus for fifteen minutes (against Trump’s will), Markus finally tells the team name of “Team Excel.” Lame. Did anyone notice that every year the men’s team name sucks? Mosaic? Versacorp? Excel? Like, Microsoft Excel? Who might as well name your team Sure-to-Bore Inc. Kristi and her team are called Capital Edge. Something about them being edgy and wanting money or something. I don’t know. Honestly…sometimes it’s too hard to think about what these people say.

    Melissa’s pissing everyone off at Capital Edge with her negativity. Apparently, CE’s marketing campaign is offensive because the fliers say “Triple XXX Threat,” like it was a pornographic dominatrix orgy-verse. But it’s not, and Kristi tries to stress that to everyone. No luck though. Melissa really doesn’t mind being the one everyone hates. Because people are intimidated by her. A lot. Women don’t like her much because they’re jealous of her. Yeah, because her looks are so stunning and she looks like such a scholar. Next thing you know she’ll say that everyone’s jealous of her heritage! (Just kidding, I love Spanish! Es bueno!)

    The day concludes, and the teams meet in the boardroom to hear the results. Capital Edge has earned $516, and Excel has earned $527, only an $11 difference. I think that’s a record. Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway, Trump tells Excel to vote whether or not Markus deserves an exemption. Heck no! is the team’s nearly unanimous response.

    For their reward, Excel is given dinner with Trump, the standard first-win prize for The Apprentice (both versions). There, Markus takes a verbal whooping from Trump, who insults his poor communication skills, in not so many words (more like, “You talk too much.”) Everyone, specifically Josh, agrees. Poor Markus.

    Kristi’s got some fighting words for Melissa, who’s spreading rumors about Kristi around the suite: “This isn’t Kristi vs. Melissa. This is Melissa Sucks. And she needs to be fired. True Dat.

    In the boardroom, Melissa joins the Markus club because everybody hates her. They all think that she was very negative, but Carolyn is still appalled at the whole “Triple XXX Threat.” You know. The class. Right. When Trump tells Kristi to choose two people to bring back into the boardroom, she asks if she can bring just one back in, and Trump agrees. So much for sticking to the rules, bud. Kristi makes the obvious choice, Melissa.

    And with that, our little Spanish friend meets her demise, but Kristi still needs to watch her back, according to Trump. “You should not be proud of yourself, because you did not do well,” are his exact words.

    Melissa seems okay in the Taxi Cab. “I’d rather be the first than the fifth of sixth,” she says. Yeah, but no one remembers the first. David who? Rob what? Todd? Who’s that?

    Next week on The Apprentice, the teams sell cars. Yay. I guess.

    - Adam Polaski

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  • This was great. I mean, really. You have to have seen it to know exactly what I mean, but this should sort of show you what I mean. You can never sit still or relax . . . especially when Trump is around.

    Okay, I have to say it:
    The idea of making teams of men and women, all dressed in their nice business suits and fancy shoes, sprint around a gold course looking for a helicopter in a desperate attempt to come out on top of the others and impress Donald Trump is just plain funny.
    The moment Trump said that this opening would be different, I was on full alert. Anything, I repeat, ANYTHING can happen on this show. Thank you, Donny (or is it Trumpy), for providing America with a good, cheap, and wholly welcome laugh right off the bat. It was great.
    You have to love it.
    The makeup of this cast is certainly a new one. First. there's the outright ambitious (and scary) Melissa, who makes it clear that she is capable of running a company . . . just as long as she doesn't have to work with other women (apparently, they always hate her). Markus, the inventor, falls all over himself and stutters every word in trying to impress Trump, while claiming the two will be close friends in a matter of minutes. Clay proudly states he is gay and that will endear him to every woman on the rival team. Alla works hard to build a positive-energy environment among the team members, even with Melissa blowing up in her face. And I haven't even gotten to the short guy . . .
    This promises, in conclusion, to be an interesting season.