Oh man, I almost teared up at the 3/4 mark of The Bachelorette’s Ho-town Dates episode when Andi and her dudes learned of Eric Hill’s death. When the crew, who we have NEVER seen, I mean they are 100 percent ghost protocol at all times, came out from behind their equipment like they were overcome by it and the cast and crew hugged, I was genuinely touched and sort of teary. Everybody was just being real and human and I felt right there with them.
But then I was like, “But why did they keep the cameras rolling, though?” I mean, not to BRAG but I have been on TV SHOOTS, PEOPLE and the people who are operating the cameras are always watching, super aware of when they’re “speeding.” They don’t just nonchalantly lay a camera on the floor with a perfect tableau of a living room centered in the viewfinder. Even if by some chance you did, why air it? And when I really thought about that, all my fuzzy warm feelings drained away.
But besides my first world concerns about TV networks pumping us full of hyper-emotions like steroids and draining us of all critical thought like steroid-ridden dairy cows, hometown dates were CUUUUTE! Starting with:
I don’t remember her bro's name, but he was First Impression Rose Bro, and he lives in Milwaukee and loves a good gourmet market and has 10 siblings, including the adorable Bella, who completely stole the first act with her darling interrogation of Andi and sort of unstudied enthusiasm. (P.S. what are the odds her birth coincided with her mom reading Twilight?)
YASSSSS. Just fucking pick him, Andi. He’s got a house. He’s got a career. He’s got a romantic streak. You’ll never starve. You can play so much Ghost in the Graveyard, which looked genuinely like the best time. I don’t know why a farmer seems so appealing to me right now, but an infinite stretch of time in a solid Midwest house on a giant Midwest farm with a super sunny Midwest guy sounds like heaven. Either Andi is going to marry this dude or he will be the next Bachelor. You heard it here first!
DUDE WHOSE MOM LOOKS JUST LIKE ANDI
Okay. When you meet your dude’s mom and his sister and they are like funhouse mirror versions of you, you know you've got that guy in the bag. Call it Oedipus complex, call it repetition compulsion, but guys who date ladies who look just like their moms are DOTERS. As in they dote on you a lot! They need your sweet, sweet carbon-copy DNA to replenish the herd. It doesn’t get as weird as you think. HAHAHAHA okay let me stop it gets weird fast, but trust and believe that everyone on this planet is subconsciously looking to recreate their parental model in their current relationship, whether they know it or not so... either that creeps you out and you die alone or just find a way to roll with it.
STRIPPER MAN CAN
Stripper Man’s reprise strip was so foxy. And his family was so nice. But you could tell Andi was just not feeling it. It’s crazy how obvious it is when a relationship clicks and how obvious it is when it doesn’t, to a third party. Like if you’re in a relationship and you’re not sure how it’s going, have someone video record it and then watch it later and cry yourself to sleep? Guys, I know: I give the best relationship advice. You're welcome.
The fact is, Andi has about one sexy tropical weekend to go before she decides to either take one of these dudes in lawful marriage or look into Dancing With the Stars crossover casting. Who do you think Andi is leaning toward? Who will get drafted as the next Bachelor? And how impressed/unimpressed were you by Chris Harrison’s house? Real deal or did they stage a fake condo to throw off the stalkers?
... Could you transition to a full-time farm life? Does that sound idyllic or isolated?
... Who do you think Andi is leaning toward?
... Does Chris Harrison look a tiny bit like George Washington, first President of these United States? I’m trying to settle a bet.
... Who do you watch The Bachelorette with, and what do you laugh at?
... Bachelor in Paradise: promos are lookin’ sleazy or "yes-please-y" ?
AIRED ON 8/1/2016
Season 12 : Episode 12