The Bachelorette S10E01
Watching assistant DA Andi Dorfman don the requisite flowy neon Chicos dresses and pose for her “so excited to be the Bachelorette!” shots, I couldn’t help but think “Why? Why excited? Not even a little terrified or introspective? We all know this ‘journey’ will only end in tears for at least one person, and that might be you.” And sure enough, by the end of the hour we were treated to a “Coming Up!” segment filled with sobs, bitter reprisals, and statement clothing.
Of course there’s all the free travel and champagne, and the chance to get gussied up on the reg, and you can’t throw a rock in a “Final Rose” episode without hitting a contestant who will swear up and down that “this process WORKS” (actual couples still together because of this process: like, three?) Andi's sister showed up all, “I’m so PROUD of you!!” for getting cast as America’s Non-Exclusive Sweetheart. Really? Proud as when Andi was like, assistant to the district attorney?
Ultimately what’s being danced around here is the acknowledgement that the course of true Bachelorettte love may never run smooth, but it certainly crosses paths with Dancing in the Stars deals, US Weekly features, and niche celebrity. Whatever combination of cocktails and personal stylists is going on backstage is a potent one, considering how many contestants return again and again, like “gate-crasher” Chris B. this episode.
Yes, after getting pretty far along on Emily Maynard’s season and enjoying free rent for another three months or so on Bachelor Pad, Chris B. had presumably hiked through the succulents of the Hollywood Hills in formal wear to guerrilla-cast himself on The Bachelorette Season 10, such is his yen for Andi a.k.a. all the free alcohol a guy can stomach/three hots and a cot at the himbo ranch.
This was my favorite part of the night, both because we got to peek behind the scenes (the security guard promising he’d take home Chris’s flowers to his wife!!) and behind the smiling, robotic facade of Chris Harrison. Harrison actually earned his paycheck this time around by having to talk old Chris B. out of the backyard; after asking the wannabe suitor nicely to go, Harrison promised him, “After this point it gets bad.” Shivers! What does that mean!! Do they release the hounds? Does Harrison deliver a flawless roundhouse kick to Chris B.’s head? Are police summoned and a lawsuit filed?
Ultimately Chris B. left in ignominy, leaving the flowers behind not for the security guard’s wife but for Andi, although I’m confident they were perfunctorily destroyed by a PA. Andi said it “wasn’t fair to the guys” who’d “waited in hotels” to actually get cast to bring in an interloper, and I applaud her instinct to instantly quash the drama. I have high hopes with Andi already: Very few of the guys she presumably had some hand in selecting brought along gimmicks, and none of them got sloppy drunk the first night, so already this was one of the most drama-free Bachelorette premieres in recent memory.
So let’s meet the crew of guys who were able to drop work and all familial obligations like a hot rock and come vie for Andi’s hand!
Marcus from Texas
“He is HOT” says Andi. Hey, it’s your BBQ, Andi, whatever tastes good.
Chris the Farmer
This tall drink of vanilla is a fourth-generation Iowan farmer. Picture those broad hands buried deep in the soil, pullin’ up a bale a’ soybeans for the soymilk conglomerate, as man has done since time immemorial.
JJ the “Pantsapreneur”
He is here to plug his pants on national TV and don’t you tell me otherwise.
There is nothing more dapper than a gingham dress shirt—and then Marquel went above and beyond by presenting Andi with a tray of delicious cookies. I feel certain that he must have some very close female relatives to be that spot-on in what a woman truly needs from a man.
Francophile AHOY! Tasos had a gimmick but at least it was sort of an elegant one: He made Andy lock a padlock onto a piece of garden fence like lovers do on the bridges in Paris. Then he asked for juice in French. How hard is this guy crossing his fingers that ABC takes him to the City of Light?
A personal trainer who made his entrance by pretending to push the limo up the hill. His haircut makes him look like he should be squaring off against Chun Lee in a side-scrolling, pixelated urban hellscape.
A “Cali Boy” who thought he could wear his CPK uniform and no one would notice, and like every other guy with hair past his ears, he got booted. Andi’s hair aesthetics may have a lot of overlap with Marine recruitment officers.
An attorney with a long “voluntary waiver” that he’d written out on a giant Post-It. Ooof, leave the office talk at the office next time, I could practically see Andi’s eyes glazing over.
A firefighter, and firefighters are our nation’s heroes, and that’s all there is to say on the matter. He also brought her a glass globe, which was as puzzling as it was unique.
Nevermind that Jason is a doctor, this guy’s hair went past his ears, and Andi booted him. I for one actually fetishize guys with longer hair ('90s teen, Jordan Catalano ruined my life) so I thought this was beyond unjust. You’ll find someone awesome Jason, AND be able to keep your lovely locks. TRUST.
This guy got the first impression rose for being, like, humble? Okay! He seems very nice. I honestly do not know what to say about him except maybe brown shoes with a black tux isn’t as socially damning as my grandmother claims it is.
This guy was adorable. ADORABLE! Top three pick for me right here.
Dude seemed super concerned about Andy taking his soccer ball. Yo don’t bring it to the Bachelorette set if you can’t lose it, dude, and by that I mean your ball, your heart, and your dignity.
Dude brought a lamp from his hotel, which Andy quickly identified as larceny-theft.
The fact that he insisted she pronounce his name as “Anal” and then had zero sense of humor about it was a dealbreaker for Andi. AS IT WOULD BE FOR ANY OF US.
Came ready to “potentially fall in love” with Andi and I think he was pretty loaded.
A beverage salesperson from Nashville. Which, dude, come on, you work at the BevMo, just say it. There’s nothing wrong about an employee discount on hard liquor. If you legit distribute a brand, you shoulda brought a bottle for Andi, just saying.
An opera singer is among us once again! But this one is ready to sing at the drop of a hat. I feel like this is going to be super fun during group shower hour at the guys’ bunkhouse. His offer to teach Andi to sing became a super tense stand-off somehow.
Josh lost his cool when he was dismissed on the first night, talking about how a friend submitted him and it was so embarrassing and he could hear all the other guys cheering and clinking glasses and smelling their roses inside and frankly I find that honesty refreshing.
A pro golfer! Does that mean you’re rich? Wake me when I care.
This guy looked like he was three months out of college and still sleeping on a couch at his old frat house. We’ve all been there, dude. Go take a nice long shower and be sure fill your bags with the nutritious Activia yogurts and Umberto beef jerky ABC stocks the fridges with, it’s going to be okay.
He’s from Culver City and he has sort of the same name as you, Andi! Think of the money you'll save in monogrammed towels!
He’s a bartender with so much luxurious blonde hair, and you can call him “Camps”! No explanation necessary on that one, just assume that he “camps” on a traffic island in his hometown! Jeez dude give yourself some context when you come out swinging with a mysterious nickname. You don’t see me introducing myself as “Fool’s Gold” at parties without elaborating a little.
A pro-baller from Atlanta! Andi said he was exactly her type. I said whoa, he looks like basically the male version of her, so, you tell me what that means.
As you may have heard by now, Eric Hill passed away about a month ago in a paragliding accident that took place after he'd left the show. It’s the stark nature of real life intruding on reality programming that reminds us how sanitized, how gloriously safe we feel when watching things like The Bachelorette, and it can’t be easy for his family if they’re watching. ABC was clearly trying to edit him the best way it knew how, just showing us footage of him talking with Andi about how excited he was about the year ahead of him, about the "Global Odyssey" film project he would be involved in, in which he’d be paragliding and traveling around the world, months before a tragic accident took his life. It was almost unbearably sad to watch this handsome young man, so full of potential, simply glowing on camera with excitement for all the opportunities awaiting him, and there’s simply no getting around that—though we can at least appreciate how full his life was before it ended.
So there we have it! A roster of fresh new faces staring down the emotional meat grinder that is jet lag and competitive dating! The game is afoot! The race has begun! Let’s discuss our predictions for this crew while we can.
... Who do you think will make it to top three?
... Is Chris B. a desperate man? Should we tempt him not?
... Would you feel proud of a loved one—a sister or brother—for "starring" on The Bachelor/ette, or would you be extremely concerned for them?
... Would you quit your current profession for a 1-in-25 shot of competing on Dancing in the Stars?
AIRED ON 8/1/2016
Season 12 : Episode 12