Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Jethro: Did you ever try hitchhiking from the airport, wearing a suit of armor and totin' a buzzard?
Montrose: Strangely enough, I never have.
Jethro: Well don't. Everybody slowed down, but nobody stopped!
Granny: I ain't nosey; I just wanna hear everything.
(Jed and Granny are going to leave the bank, and Granny gets in the wheelbarrow meant for Jed's money)
Jed: Hop on Granny.
Granny: Now don't take the freeway this time Jed. That tailgating makes me nervous.
Elly: Well Granny, she likes you. Ain't cha noticed how she keeps watchin' ya?
Granny: At my age it ain't no treat to have a buzzard watching ya.
Granny: I don't allow no scavengers in my kitchen.
Elly: But what about . . .
Granny: That's different. Jethro is family.
Montrose: Would you like to buy Hong Kong?
Jed: Hong Kong?
Granny: That's that big ape that carried off Fay Wray.
Jed: Well, Mr. Drysdale said you was the Queen's minister.
Montrose: Minister of Finance.
Granny: (to Jed) He must take up the collection.
Jed: Granny, we gotta be careful how we talk to that fella. Mr. Drysdale says he's the Queen's minister.
Granny: I never seen no preacher dressed like him.
Jed: What cha mean?
Granny: Satin britches, lace cuffs, all kinds of fancy trappins'.
Jed: Likely Episcopalian.
Granny: And he come in a big stage coach.
Jed: Well Granny, hay is cheaper than gasoline. I reckon they don't pay their preachers no better than we pay ours.
Drysdale: I want you to get me the finest British actor money can buy.
Jane: Well, how much money are you talking about?
Drysdale: I'll go as high as ten bucks.
Jane: Ten bucks?! Are you serious?!
Drysdale: Look, this is no time to pinch pennies.
Drysdale: Where am I? What's going on?
Miss Jane: You fainted.
Jane: Oh, you were in a deep coma. It took a twenty to bring you out of it.
Drysdale: I'm not the type who faints. What happened?
Jane: Oh, Mr. Clampett told you he was withdrawing his eighty million dollars.
Drysdale: What?! (starts breathing heavily and shaking)
Jane: I'd better open a window.
Drysdale: No, no, no, Lock it. I might jump.
Jed: I hope the Queen still got her health.
Faversham: Oh, yes indeed sir. Her Majesty is spending this week at the Royal Preserve.
Jed: I see. Well maybe we'll be paying you a visit soon Mr. Domo.
Faversham: Faversham sir.
Jed: Faversham to you. (hangs up the phone) Ain't no two ways about it Granny, things is rough. You what the Queen is spending this week doing?
Jed: Puttin' up preserves.
Jed: Uh listen Major, we was just wonderin' how everybody's getting' along over there.
Faversham: Quite well sir, thank you. Considering the fact we're running the castle with a skeleton staff.
Jed: (to Granny & Jethro) They got trouble alright. They're servants is down to skin and bones.
Jed: Mr. Drysdale, you didn't hafta get us that.
Drysdale: Tut, tut. It's the least I can do.
Jane: The very least.
Drysdale: It's a genuine imported Oriental magic music maker.
Jethro: Hot dog! A Japanese transistor radio.
Drysdale: At the opening of business this morning, precisely ten o'clock Pacific daylight savings time, your balance in my bank reached the unprecedented figure of eighty million dollars.
Jethro: Uncle Jed, I'm hungry.
Jed: Ssh. Mr. Drysdale's fixin' to make an important announcement.
Drysdale: I just made it. You have eighty million dollars.
Raymond Bailey & Nancy Kulp are now featured on the opening credits.
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