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Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Brubaker: Is Granny still in the corn patch?
Jed: Oh no. She's stretched out in the root cellar. It's cooler there.
Mortimer: Uh, Mr. Clampett, I'd like to suggest that Mr. Brubaker and I take Granny back to Happy Valley with us.
Jed: No, no. We'll fetch her out day after tomorrow. That's her birthday.
Brubaker: Well, that's a very sweet sentiment Mr. Clampett, but I wouldn't wait two days.
Jed: Well, if we don't, it's gonna spoil the celebration.
Brubaker & Mortimer: Celebration?!
Jed: Yeah. Jethro made her that pine box.
Mortimer: Uh, could I perhaps suggest something in bronze?
Jed: Well, no. The boy worked hard on that. It's kinda rough, but uh, it ain't the gift, it's the thought.
Mortimer: And uh, your daughter Elly made that marble thing?
Jed: Yeah, that's part of the celebration. We thought we'd put them and Granny on the truck, go out to Happy Valley and have a picnic.
Brubaker: A picnic?
Jed: Yeah, you know. Music, dancing, vittles, a kind of box social.
Brubaker: Have you heard anything from the police?
Jed: Well, uh no. For a while there, I was afraid Mrs. Drysdale next door was gonna call em, but we think we figured a way to keep her quiet. (to Jethro) Jethro! You got that hole dug fer Mrs. Drysdale?!
Jethro: Yes sir, Uncle Jed!
Jed: Fine and dandy! We'll plant her as quick as we take care of Granny!
Elly: He cut into my cake.
Jed: How'd ya do that boy?
Jethro: With a hammer and chizzle.
Elly: You gimme that! You done ruined by marble cake!
Jethro: Marble is right. I done broke two chizzles on it.
Granny: How bout a night cap?
Jed: Good idea. Pull it down over yer ears.
(Granny gets Bessie to give her some of her moonshine)
Jed: Granny! You have hit a new low. Drinkin' with a ape.
(Jed tells Jethro to dig a whole to replant a tree he cut down from the Drysdales' yard as Elly comes)
Elly: Look here Pa, I baked Granny a birthday cake.
Jed: Well now, would ya look at that.
Jethro: Hey, that's hard as a rock.
Jed: Boy, go dig a hole.
Jethro: Yes sir. Want me to bury it pan and all?
Jed: Did he tell ya I want plenty room to put in some greens?
Mortimer: Mr. Clampett, you can have one entire section of Happy Valley just for the Greens. We'll call it "Green Acres."
Brubaker: Where is the loved one now?
Brubaker: Y- Granny.
Jed: Oh, she's out back in the corn patch.
Brubaker: In the corn patch?
Jed: Makes a dandy scarecrow.
Elly: See her yonder? She's propped up against that clothes line post.
Brubaker: You don't intend to leave her out there like that do you?
Jed: Oh she's all right. Just betweenst you and me, she's pretty well pickled.
Jed: She was commencin' to stiffen up.
Brubaker: As a matter of fact, I think I'm having a chill.
Jed: Well, have a slug of this.
Brubaker: No thank you.
Jed: Good fer what ails ya. Sure took care of Granny.
Brubaker: What do you mean?
Jed: Two drinks of that, she didn't feel a thing.
Elly: Here's a man to see ya Pa.
Brubaker: Oh, it's about your mother-in-law, Granny.
Jed: Ya ain't from the police are ya?
Brubaker: No, I'm from-
Jed: Good. I was hopin' they hadn't heard about the shootin'.
Brubaker: There's been a shooting?
Jed: Just Granny.
Mortimer: I want you to try to sell them a family plot. These people are loaded.
Brubaker: I see there are four in the family.
Mortimer: Yeah, but I want you to sell them five plots, one for their banker.
Brubaker: Their banker?
Mortimer: Believe me, when Clampett goes, that guy'll kill himself. Ya know, come to think of it, the banker's married too. Sell em a six pack.
Brubaker: Mr. Mortimer, try to remember you're not peddling beer anymore.
Jed: Ya see, Granny don't wanna be burying in the city, 'specially in the backyard.
Mortimer: Well I should hope not. As a matter of fact, it's against the law.
Jed: Oh yeah, we found that out. Every time we go to diggin', our neighbor calls the police.
Jed: I'm wantin' to buy a nice plot of ground fer Granny.
Mortimer: I see. Jed Clampett. And you want something nice for your grandmother.
Jed: Well, no. Strictly speaking, she's my mother in law.
Mortimer: Oh? Something inexpensive then.
Jed: Granny, suppose you go out and look after yer corn crop.
Granny: What's the use? Nobody can grow nothin' around here. What with the crybabies, the crows, and the bats.
Jed: We ain't got no bats.
Granny: What about the old bat next door?!
Elly: She's makin' a nervous wreck outta him.
Granny: I'll make a pie out of him! The idea. Draggin' in dead birds!
Jed: Didn't look very dead to me.
Granny: That rock salt preserves.
Jed: What'd ya shoot Granny?
Granny: Shot my hat.
Jed: What fer?
Granny: There was a crow settin' on it, that's what fer.
Jed: Granny, you're gettin' too old to do yer own scarecrowin'. Yer joints will lock on ya. Why don't ya let me make ya one?
Granny: Cause there ain't no scarecrow that can shoot straight.
Jed: You didn't do too good yourself.
(Mr. Mortimer is talking to Jed over the phone)
Mr. Mortimer: Uh, Mr. Clampett, are you, by any chance, on welfare?
Jed: No sir, Crestview. 518 Crestview Drive.
Mr. Mortimer: Uh, no, no. I'm referring to your ability to meet your obligations. I appreciate you calling Happy Valley, but I will hafta ask about credit.
Jed: Well, Jethro seen your sign, so uh, I reckon he oughta get the credit.
Richard Deacon would later return in Season 9 to play Dr. Klinger, a psychiatrist who helps Granny and her problem with Elly dating what she thinks is someone who is half-man/half frog, actually a Naval Frogman.
Raymond Bailey and Nancy Kulp do not appear in this episode.
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