Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Jed: She's a boy Jethro! They's ways of tellin'.
Jethro: Oh, I know they is.
Jed: Didn't you see how she was built?
Jethro: Well sure. Didn't you!
Jed: I should've had that talk with you a long time ago.
Jethro: You sure had oughtta.
Elly: Ya dodging Jethro's girl?
Granny: Have you seen her?
Granny: Then ya just answered yer own question.
(Granny and Jed are sad about Jethro marrying)
Granny: It's all my fault Jed. I didn't beat him enough.
(Col. Dumbarton says he thinks his niece is beautiful, while Granny thinks she is her brother)
Granny: I think ya need glasses.
Col. Dumbarton: No, no, no, no. I'll drink straight from the jar.
(Jed looks through the telescope and sees the man who they think is a woman Jethro is in love with)
Jed: I got something in my eye.
Granny: Ain't gonna go away, Jed.
(Jed looks back through the telescope)
Jethro: Hard to beat her, huh Uncle Jed?
Jed: If I was you, I wouldn't try. Granny, want another look?
Granny: No, a sight like that sorta stays with you.
Jethro: What do you think of that figure?
Jed: I was just gonna ask you about that. Lot of it, ain't they?
(The Colonel is playing a song on the bagpipes and starts playing "Turkey In the Straw")
Jed: I wonder how he knowed that tune.
Granny: It's the tonic, Jed.
(Jethro thinks the family is trying to drive him mad)
Elly: Can ya save him Granny?
Granny: I can. But it will take a head transplant.
Elly: Well, where ya gonna get another head?
Granny: Tower of London. They's rollin' in em.
Jed: I wonder why the Colonel didn't tell us his niece was a nephew?
Granny: He didn't wanna make Jethro look stupid. I knowed all along she was a boy.
Jed: Ya did?
Granny: Didn't wanna make you look stupid.
Jed: Let me think about that for a minute. Don't she look like a boy more than a girl?
Granny: Ah! She looks more like an ape than either one of em!
Jane: But that's a boy!
Granny: Whoever heard of a boy wearing skirts?!
Jane: The Scotch-
Granny: She drinks rye!
(The Colonel tells the Clampetts the wedding is off)
Granny: What he meant was his niece don't want to marry my grandson.
Jed: That's right.
Granny: You keep outta this!
Jed: I wonder how folks over here handle these things. I wish Mr. Drysdale and Miss Jane was here.
Granny: It ain't them two that she needs. It's Barnum and Bailey.
Jed: Have you told her uncle?
Jethro: She's gonna tell him. He's gonna give her away.
Granny: He's got her priced right.
Jethro: Granny, you ain't losing a grandson, you's gaining a-
Granny: Don't, don't say it boy!
(Granny is describing seeing the Colonel's niece, after seeing her brother earlier, thinking he is she)
Granny: She was lurching around, swishing her skirt, and showing her big, hairy legs, and him settin' there tellin' me what a wonderful mother she'd make.
(Granny asks Faversham what he really thinks of the Colonel's niece, still thinking that she is her brother)
Faversham: Well, since you ask madam, I think Miss McGregor is one of the most beautiful young ladies I have ever seen.
(Granny waves her hand in front of his face)
Granny: You don't get to town much, do you?
Granny: I'm taking the Colonel another jar of my Cold Turkey Tonic.
Jed: I thought he quit drinking.
Granny: He did, but that niece of his would drive anybody back to the bottle.
Sandy: You're one of the Americans.
Jethro: Yeah. How could you tell?
Sandy: Oh, I got second sight.
(Jethro tells Granny and Jed to look at the woman he has fallen in love with, and Granny mistakenly sees her brother)
Jethro: Uncle Jed, she's the one I've been looking for all my life. (Granny steps back from the telescope) Left Granny speechless. (Granny looks back through the telescope and sees him dancing) Ain't never seen one like her, have ya?
Granny: No boy. She's one of a kind.
(Granny tells Jed that Colonel Dumbarton is quitting his drinking cold turkey)
Jed: Ya think he can do that?
Granny: Course he can. I sent him over a jar of Doctor Daisy's Cold Turkey Tonic.
Jed: Well, that's a new one on me.
Granny: Oh, it's a harmless vegetable compound, as long as he don't drop it or light a match close to it.
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