Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
In this episode, Granny has never heard of penicillin, but in an episode before this, she mentioned it.
(Granny is telling Jed she has cured her illness)
Granny: I'm even seeing twice as good as I ever did before.
Jed: Twice as far?
Granny: Twice as many. They's two of everything!
(Jed sees the brew Granny is creating)
Granny: Thirty or forty more batches and I may have found what's gonna rid the world of Granny's Complaint.
Jed: And even if ya don't, you've hit upon a sure fire way of takin' the leaves off trees.
(Granny says she let Clyburn go)
Jed: I thought he was the one that was gonna take over yer practice?
Granny: I couldn't trust my family to a superstitious quack like him. Why his fav-or-ite medicine is moldy bread!
Jed: We'd still be living in the Dark Ages.
(Drysdale is trying to get Jane to get patients for Granny)
Drysdale: Just drive back and try to round up some sick people for Granny. If you have to, hit a couple of pedestrians.
(A pot exploded with a potion Granny is having Clyburn make)
Granny: Ya done ruined the potion!
Clyburn: I mixed everything in there you told me. I put the lid on the kettle.
Granny: On the kettle?! It should be in it!
(Granny says she is having trouble finding a cure for something)
Clyburn: Well, for one thing, have you tried penicillin?
Granny: Penicillin? What's that?
Clyburn: It's a drug. We get it from bread mold.
Granny: Roy, you've got to ferget them home remedies.
Clyburn: It is not a home remedy! Haven't you heard of streptomiasin or oreolmioson? Cortozone?
Granny: Roy, ya come ta me fer advice, and I'm givin' it to ya. Ferget them quack medicines.
Clyburn: But I, I, I . . .
Granny: Stick with modern science. Yer stump waters, yer slippery elm ooze, pecul root. And them wonder drugs, like sasafras and wahoo bark.
(Clyburn asks Granny for medical help and advice)
Granny: Alright, I'll see what yer lackin'. How do ya treat Spotted Giple?
Clyburn: Spotted Giple?
Granny: Well, whatdaya do wit Purple Drowsies?
Granny: How 'bout Criddick, Boult, Angry Gizzard?! Stremps, the Goose Eye?!
Clyburn: Perhaps I know them by their scientific names.
Granny: Them is the scientific names!
(Clyburn has come to help to get Granny to stay)
Dr. Clyburn: Funny, the last time I felt like this was just before they landed us at Guadalcanal.
(Granny is telling Jed the real reason she plans back to the hills, after discovering an illness she has, naming it "Granny's Complaint")
Granny: Well, I first noticed it about twenty years ago, and I've been goin' downhill ever since.
Jed: Ya should of said somethin'. What's the symptoms?
Granny: Well, ta start off with, my hearin' ain't what it used to be, and my eyes is gettin' weaker. My rheumatism is worse, and I can't run as fast as I used to. I get chilled easy, and my joints is stiff in the mornin'.
Jed: Granny, all them things is happenin' ta me too.
Granny: It's catchin'!
Jed: Course it's catchin'; it's old age.
Granny: It's not old age, it's Granny's Complaint. I discovered it, I get ta name it.
Granny: The choice is your's to make.
Elly: Thank ya Granny.
Jethro: Yeah thanks Granny.
Granny: And the choice is ta learn doctorin' er get took to the woodshed!
(Granny tells the family she is quitting her practice of medicine, and expects someone in the family to carry on with it)
Granny: So I've decided to train one of you to carry on the tradition of the hypocrite's oath.
Jethro: Well, well, don't keep lookin' at me Granny. I decided I don't wanna be a brain surgeon. I wanna be a soda jerk!
Elly: And, and I wanna be a vet-, a vetin, a vetinin, take care of critters.
Granny: I may hafta go back home, but I just can't leave you in this miserable city of Beverly Hills, without one single trained doctor.
Jethro: Granny, they's more doctors here than you could shake a sti-
Granny: HUSH UP!
(Granny gives the family her news)
Granny: Jed, Jethro, and Elly May, I'm givin' up my practice of medicine. I'm takin' in my shingle.
Jethro: Hot dog! No more sulfur and mollases!
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