Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Dr. Bob Graham
Granny: A man that eats raw fish, that just ain't human.
Jethro: Thanks for the snack Granny.
Granny: What'd ya eat?
Jethro: Fish. Was a might underdone, but awful tasty. (puts down a raw fish bone with the head still attached)
Jed: Well, there goes that argument.
Granny: Since when do you call him human?
Dr. Graham: Say, about that big fella that just carried Miss Hathaway into the house?
Dr. Graham: Yes. I can't quite figure him out.
Jed: Well uh, we've all been workin' on that Doctor. Best we've come up with is that Jethro went right from his first childhood into his second childhood with nothing in between.
(Granny, still missing her glasses, is heading towards the pool, where Elly runs into her)
Elly: Where you going, Granny?
Granny: Is that you, Elly?
Elly: Oh yes, ma'am. Ain't that found your glasses yet?
Granny: Who needs em. What are you doin' in my root cellar?
Elly: Well, this ain't your root cellar. You're headed for the swimmin' pool.
Granny: Oh my, that smog is terrible.
(Elly says she thinks Dr. Graham is cute, while Granny, who still doesn't have her glasses, thinks the seal she saw in the pool is he)
Granny: Cute? That girl ain't hard-up; she's desperate.
(Granny and Jane enter the kitchen)
Granny: Oh, it's good to be home again. I just love this room. Somebody moved the piani.
Jane: Granny, that's the stove.
Granny: What's the stove doin' in the parlor?
Jane: Granny, this is the kitchen, and I had better call the airline and see if they found your glasses.
Granny: I only need em for reading.
(Jed comes in the kitchen)
Granny: (from a distance) What do you want?!
Jed: Miss Jane fetched over your glasses.
Granny: I don't need em.
Jed: Where in the blue blazes are ya?!
Granny: I'm here in the root cellar!
Jed: Root cellar? She's in the storage closet.
(Jed opens the closet door, and Granny comes out)
Granny: Jed, I got bad news for ya. We was robbed.
Granny: Whilst we was gone, somebody busted into the root cellar there and took everything.
Jed: Granny, put your glasses on.
Granny: There ain't a ham nor a sausage nor a jar of fruit left in there. They cleaned us out!
Jed: Put your glasses on.
Granny: Oh, all right. I'll do it to please you. But I don't need em!
(Granny puts her glasses on and jumps)
Granny: We's in the kitchen!
Granny: Well, how bout that! I didn't know you could get from the root cellar to the kitchen.
(Granny says she wishes Elly would be with the man she sees with Miss Jane in the car, but it wouldn't be fair to break them up)
Jethro: It would be if she was swept off her feet by Hollywood's handsomest playboy.
Granny: Who's that?
Granny: Yeah. Come to think of it, Miss Jane always did have a soft spot in her head, er, in her heart for you.
Granny: Jethro, have you ever had a busted heart and tromped-on visions of orange blossoms and rice?
Jethro: No. But cook it; I'll eat it!
Drysdale: I'm doing that young man a great favor, getting him together with Elly May. Why, she's the catch of all time. Imagine, marrying a girl with a figure like that, eighty-five million.
Jane: He's a veterinarian.
Granny: Oh yeah. I've heard of them. But personally, I like to eat meat.
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