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Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Why do the Clampetts think that the first man Elly snares will marry her after only knowing her for a few days? Apparently, they don't believe in longer term relationships. And why would the family be okay with a man who could beat-up Elly? Why would someone want their female relative to have a man that could beat her, even though she is capable of defending herself?
Granny: You found the perfect husband for Elly May.
Jane: I certainly hope so.
Granny: Oh, he's wonderful. Big, strong, handsome, hard-workin' hill man.
Jane: But apparently, quite cerebral.
Granny: Oh well, you can't have everything.
(Miss Jane comes rushing to Jed and Granny to tell them she's found a man for Elly)
Jane: In the woods, I saw him! Just right for Elly! An Adonis, a Hercules, an Apollo!
Granny: Oh please Miss Jane, she's got enough critters now.
Jane: No, no, no, no. You don't understand. He was cutting down a tree near the lake.
Jed: She don't need another beaver.
(Miss Jane comes running towards the hotel)
Granny: Miss Jane is runnin' like the devil hisself is after her.
Jed: I was worried about her going in the woods dressed like that. Like as not, someone mistook her for a revenuer.
Granny: Oh, everybody knows there ain't no girl revenuers.
Jed: Yeah, but not everybody knows she's a girl.
Shorty: Um, excuse me Miss Hathaway, you aim to go into the woods like that?
Jane: Indeed I do.
Shorty: You aim to carry a gun?
Shorty: Rabbit's foot?
Shorty: Four-leaf clover?
Jane: Mr. Kellems, the creatures of the forest do not frighten me.
(Miss Jane heads away)
Shorty: Maybe not, but she's sure gonna scare the tar outta them.
Jethro: Boy Miss Jane, them folks back in the kills ain't gonna recognize me the way I changed.
Jethro: Yeah. When I left there, I was just a big, dumb ole hick.
Jethro: Hard to believe, huh?
Jane: It fairly boggles the mind.
Jethro: I'm gonna have them little ole countries girls eatin' out of the palm of my hand. They ain't never heard the kind of racy stories that told out in Hollywood.
Jane: Probably not.
Jethro: Sure wish I knowed one.
Jane: And there I hope to find a family of herons.
Granny: Well, give em our best.
Jed: Was that the Luke Heron?
Jane: Oh, no, no, no, no. The heron I'm looking for stands in the water on his long skinny legs and gobbles up crawdads and frogs in his enormous mouth.
(Miss Jane leaves the hotel)
Jed: Well if that ain't Luke Heron, it's his twin brother.
(Granny and Jed are discussing Matthew)
Granny: I'll bet he could even whoop Jethro.
Jed: More important, he might be able to whoop Elly.
(Granny tells Matthew about Elly's "slab of granite she cooks on," actually a cake she made)
Matthew: She's a good cook, huh?
Granny: There ain't nobody can touch that girl's food.
(Granny tells Jethro what will happen if Elverna's daughter marries before Elly, and that Elverna will kick Granny down the main road, and how many people will be watching)
Jethro: That's just like a side show. A circus! A regular carnival.
Granny: Oh, bless you Jethro. You're a sweet, sensitive, darlin' boy. I know you love your old Granny, and you're gonna do something about it, ain't cha?
Jethro: You bet I am! I'm going right over and talk to Paul Davis!
Granny: The candy maker? He's married already.
Jethro: I know that. I'm gonna ask him if I can have the popcorn concession.
(Granny tells Shorty Jethro would know what the big words Shorty heard from Don Richardson meant)
Jethro: What words is that?
Shorty: Incompatible overt offense.
Jethro: Ah, that's easy. All ya gotta do is break them words down to their root meanings. In. Compat. Able. Overt. Offense.
Granny: What does it mean?
Jethro: Means you come in and pat a bull, and you better get over the fence.
Granny: What did I tell you Shorty?
Shorty: He's a bright one.
Jethro: Most of them big words comes from the Greek.
Granny: I didn't know Don Richardson was Greek.
Jane: Then I'm off to the forest in search of my feathered friends.
Granny: You know some Indians in these parts?
Jane: May I have my key please?
Shorty: What key's that?
Jane: Well, the key to the room I'm occupying.
Shorty: I'm afraid there ain't no key.
Jane: Well, why not?
Shorty: Cause there ain't no lock!
Jane: Mr. Kellems, am I to understand that some local lockenvarle will be free to enter my room whenever he wished?!
Shorty: Um, now that you mention it, yeah. I reckon he would.
Jane: Oh! I just love this quaint little community!
Jethro: Miss Jane, I'm gonna tell that riddle to Uncle Jed.
Jane: Alright Jethro, but this time when you get to the finish, remember, the answer is you.
Jethro: I got it. Hey Uncle Jed, got a doozie of a fiddle fer ya. It ain't my sister, it ain't my brother, yes it's the child of my father and mother. Who is it?
Jed: I give up.
Jethro: It's you! (Laughs, but Jed doesn't respond) He didn't laugh either Miss Jane.
Jane: I guess you're just too sophisticated for them Jethro.
Jethro: Well, reckon so.
Jethro: I thought there was a fair goin' on here. Where's all the people?
Jed: I'm afraid they's all over at the cake bakin' contest.
Jane: Well, why are you afraid?
Jed: Well, cause Elly May has got a cake entered.
Jane: That is an excellent reason.
(Miss Jane tells Jethro a riddle, where the answer is herself, and he tries it out)
Jethro: Hey, hey Miss! Would you like to hear a dandy riddle?
Stewardess: Why yes.
Jethro: It's not my sister, it's not my brother, yet it's the child of my father and mother. Who is it?
Stewardess: I give up.
Jethro: It's Miss Jane here! (laughs)
(The stewardess walks away)
Jethro: She didn't laugh to hard. You reckon she's heard it before?
Jane: Not the way you told it, no.
(Granny's worried about Elly's cake in the cake baking contest)
Granny: You gotta buy it before some other man buys it!
Jed: I don't think there's a man in this town can lift it.
Shorty: It rolls real good. That's how Elly got it over there.
Jed: Wanna go fishin', Shorty?
Shorty: Fishin'?! Jed, there's a fair goin' on out yonder! Biggest crowd you've ever seen! People from everywhere! All kinds of excitement! Music's playin'! Kids are yellin'! Dog's are barkin'! Balloon's are poppin'! (Opens the door and the noise from the fair fills the room, then closes it) All that's bustin' loose out there and you wanna go fishin'?
Shorty: I don't blame you. Where ya goin'?
Roger Torrey (Matthew Templeton) would also return to play his twin brother, NAVY frogman Mark Templeton.
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