Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
Jed: If he's the U.S government, I'm kinda glad we's going to England.
(The Passport Office clerk thinks he is on hidden camera, and Granny tells him to get down because they're busy, while waving her purse)
Clerk: Oh a miniature. One of those little Japanese jobs.
Granny: I ain't neither.
(Jethro volunteers to be first in filling out the application at the passport office)
Clerk: Raise your right hand please.
(Jethro raises his left, realizes, and quickly switches)
Clerk: Do you swear the statements you are about to make are the truth?
Jethro: Yes sir.
Clerk: State your name please.
Clerk: And your surname.
Jethro: Sir Jethro!
Clerk: Sir Jethro?
Jethro: Yes sir. Sir Jethro de Bodine, Head Varlot to the Royal Family. (points to Jed, Granny, and Elly)
Clerk: That's the, Royal Family?
Jethro: Yes sir. The biggin is the Earl of Clampett hisself. The girl is my royal cousin. The little one, she used to be an oaf. But I done kinighted her.
(Jethro tells Jane he needs an oaf, wanting her to be one, but she says she can't)
Jane: I looked it up and an oaf is a man.
Jethro: Yeah, come to think of it, all the pictures I've seen of oafs and maves and such was men.
Jane: There you are.
Jethro: Yeah, but where am I gonna find me a man oaf this late?!
(Drysdale comes in in his new $500 suit, saying a few words with an English accent)
Mr. Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, Sir Jethro is waiting for his oaf.
Jane: And we never break a promise, do we Chief?
Mr. Drysdale: Never!
Jane: One oaf coming up.
Drysdale: That's the spirit.
(Jane throws Drysdale the oaf suit)
(Granny tells Jethro she refuses to be an oaf, and throws her costume in his face.)
Jethro: Are you revolting?!
Granny: Not as revolting as you!
(Miss Jane explains England to Jethro, Elly, and Granny, who still believe that it is the way it was during Queen Elizabeth's reign)
Jane: And there is no debtors prison. No torture for those overdrawn at the bank.
Drysdale: Will you stop putting England down!
Drysdale: England is my kind of country! That's where I wanna live!
Jane: But what if your wife doesn't want to go?
Drysdale: Think there's a chance?!
Drysdale: Oh, this is fabulous. Fabulous! I can see it now: the presentation at Court, knighted, a seat in the House of Lords, luncheon with the Prime Minister, tea with the Queen!
Jane: Chief, Mr. Clampett is hardly prepared for such honors.
Drysdale: Not him, me!
(Granny tells Jed that she isn't listening to anyone wearing what Jethro has on - tights and a woman's hat)
Jethro: This here is what the Queen favors for her knights!
Granny: What she sleeps in is her own business.
(Jethro tells the Passport clerk about the clans' English castle, which the clerk thinks is a joke)
Clerk: Tell me something, Sir Jethro. (puts his pen on his nose) Is this a rib?
Jethro: No, sir. That's a nose.
Clerk: Oh my goodness.
(Jethro is wearing a Tudor costume)
Jethro: This here was worn by Francis Drake.
Jed: Well I hope it looked better on her.
Jethro: Francis Drake was a man. A fightin' man! A sailor.
Jed: A sailor runnin' around like that better be a fightin' man.
When the passport clerk says, "Hi, Allen! I love your show!", into the light fixture, he's referring to Allen Funt, host of Candid Camera
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