Elly May Clampett
Daisy Moses "Granny"
(Troy goes looking for Elly, and hears Mr. Universe calling her name. He then picks up Bessie the Chimp)
Troy Apollo: I don't care how much my country needs me; it's not worth taking her out. I don't care if she is a snappy dresser.
Jed: Granny, that may cure bar bell bloat, but it looks like it will keel a patient doing it.
Granny: Oh, Mr. Universe is taking a chance, but either way he gains. If it don't cure him, at least he's saved from a lingering death.
Jed: I believe I'd mention that to Dave. He may not agree he's gettin' all that good a deal.
(Troy Apollo drives back to the Clampetts' to try to meet Elly again, but Granny is on the front porch)
Troy Apollo: Elly?
(Troy drives away, right before Elly comes out)
Jethro: Anything I can do to help?
Dave: I don't suppose you'd leave.
Jethro: Nah, you don't hafta worry about that.
Dave: Well, I left a couple of dumbbells out on the front porch. Think you could bring em back here for me?
Jethro: Sure. What are their names?
Dave: Their names?
Jethro: Well, I've got to call em somethin'.
Dave: They're dumbbells.
Jethro: I'll be the judge of that.
Jethro: I don't believe in mean-mouthin' folks just cause they ain't as smart as me.
Jethro: What do ya do mostly?
Dave: Look around and guess. (rolls the dumbbell on the ground with his foot)
Jethro: Let's see, Mr. Drysdale told you about me, huh? I know! You're a brain surgeon.
Dave: Try weight lifting.
Jethro: Shucks, I don't need to. I already got plenty of muscles.
Dave: Yeah, and I can see where all of them are.
Dave: You could have caused a lot of damage just then.
Jethro: Nah. That bar's made of steal. I wasn't sqeezin' with all my strength.
Dave: Wait, Jethro. Mr. Drysdale warned-uh, he told me about you.
Granny: I gotta find a cure for that ailment, but nobody seems to know anything about it.
Jed: Granny, why don't ya try the A.M.A?
Granny: Of course! Apadaster's Medical Almanac. I keep it in the kitchen cause it's got a dandy recipe in it fer pecan pie.
Drysdale: You're here to have a date with Elly May Clampett, right?
Troy Apollo: You said it man. Where is she?
Drysdale: Look on the front porch.
(Troy sees Miss Jane sitting on the bench, resting after unloading Mr. Universe's weights)
Troy Apollo: That's Elly May Clampett?
Drysdale: You said it man.
Troy Apollo: Mr. Cushing told me she was a real dish. I should of asked of what. Look, I've got a recording session.
Drysdale: But you haven't even met Elly.
Troy Apollo: Well, I wish I could. Give her my regrets, and tell her to stay with her weight lifter. Maybe it'll help. Anyway, it can't hurt.
(Jed, Granny, and Elly meet Mr. Universe, who is flexing his muscles)
Elly: Is that fella a date fer me Pa?
Jed: That's right. Kinda unusual name, Dave Universe.
Granny: That ain't all that's strange. Look at his arms. Swelled up twice the normal size.
Jane: Hello Elly. My, my, that is a nice looking little dress.
Jed: Uh, Miss Jane, it ain't a dress, it's a bathing suit, and we'd like yer thinkin' of it.
Granny: Yer honest opinion!
Jane: Granny, to be honest with you, it's absolutely archaic.
Granny: See, I told ya she'd love it.
Jane: Please don't stomp your foot again.
Drysdale: Why not?
Jane: It's very childish and extremely painful.
Granny: No more bare legs. When a boy sees that much skin showin', he's lible to think you're something other than a lady.
Elly: This way he'll think I'm a fella.
Jed: I don't believe that's gonn be a problem.
Elly: Ah Pa, tell Granny it don't look right.
Granny: Jed, tell Elly it does so.
Jed: Now hold on. I've lived around women long enough to know there's only one way to settle these things: get someone else to decide.
Jed: I hope you didn't make her one of them new bikinis Jethro is always talkin' about.
Granny: Golly, I might have. I copied it from the last movie magazine that Pearl sent me from back home.
Elly: Here I am. (comes down in a 1920's style swim suit)
Jed: Sure ain't no bikini.
Granny: It's right off the cover of Cinema Siren. Clara Bow was wearing it.
Granny: Jed, Jed, Mr. Universe is saved. My cure started to work. He's got his appetite back to normal food.
Jed: I didn't even know he ever lost it.
Granny: You should have heard what he was eatin' before he took my cure, but a bit ago, he came runnin' in here, hollerin' for triple helpin's of my hog jowls, collard greens, and grits!
Jed: Well Granny, now you better get started on your next cure.
Granny: What next cure?
Jed: For indigestion. Eatin' triple helpin's, Mr. Universe is gonna need it.
Granny: Start lookin' for another buzzard's egg!
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